Fish Chris Posted May 22, 2012 Posted May 22, 2012 This one took me a minute.... But that's freaking FUNNY ! LOL LOL Fish
Traveler2586 Posted May 22, 2012 Author Posted May 22, 2012 A husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, "You Can Be THE Man of Your House." He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, "From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm done eating my meal, you will serve me a scrumptious dessert.. After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want! Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?" The wife replied, "My first guess would be the funeral director."
Super User Raider Nation Fisher Posted May 22, 2012 Super User Posted May 22, 2012 A husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, "You Can Be THE Man of Your House." He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, "From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm done eating my meal, you will serve me a scrumptious dessert.. After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want! Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?" The wife replied, "My first guess would be the funeral director." That's how it would go if I said that to my wife.
Traveler2586 Posted May 27, 2012 Author Posted May 27, 2012 Test ------------------------- Read this question, come up with an answer and then scroll down to the bottom for the result. This is not a trick question. It is as it reads. No one I know has got it right.. While at the funeral of her own mother, a woman met a man who she did not know. She thought he was 'amazing'. She believed him to be her dream partner so much that she fell in love with him right there, but never asked for his number and could not find him. A few days later she killed her sister. Question: What was her motive for killing her sister? Give this some thought before you answer, see answer below.. Answer: She was hoping the guy would appear again at her sister's funeral. If you answered this correctly, you think like a psychopath. This was a test developed by a famous American psychologist, used to test if one has the same mentality as a killer. Many arrested serial killers took part in the test and answered the question correctly... If you didn't answer the question correctly, good for you. If you got the answer correct, please let me know so I can take you off my e-mail list. 1
mrmacwvu1 Posted May 28, 2012 Posted May 28, 2012 well i am nor on your email list so no need to take me off
Super User slonezp Posted May 29, 2012 Super User Posted May 29, 2012 Sitting in the first row with the Secret Service people directly behind them, one of the Secret Service agents leans forward and says something to the President. Barack stares at the guy, looks at Michelle, looks back at the agent, and shakes his head "no"violently. The agent then says, "Mr. President, it was a unanimous request, from the owner of the team down to the bat boy. And...the fans would love it!" So, Barack shrugs his shoulders and says, "If that's what the people want." He gets up, grabs Michelle by her collar and the seat of her pants, and throws her right over the wall into the field. She gets up kicking, swearing, and screaming -- and the crowd goes wild, cheering, applauding, and high-fiving. Barack is bowing and smiling, and leans over to the agent and says, "You were right, I would have never believed that!" Then noticing the agent has gone totally pale, Barack asks what is wrong? The agent replies, "Sir, I said, they want you to throw out the first PITCH!" 1
Super User Raider Nation Fisher Posted May 29, 2012 Super User Posted May 29, 2012 Sitting in the first row with the Secret Service people directly behind them, one of the Secret Service agents leans forward and says something to the President. Barack stares at the guy, looks at Michelle, looks back at the agent, and shakes his head "no"violently. The agent then says, "Mr. President, it was a unanimous request, from the owner of the team down to the bat boy. And...the fans would love it!" So, Barack shrugs his shoulders and says, "If that's what the people want." He gets up, grabs Michelle by her collar and the seat of her pants, and throws her right over the wall into the field. She gets up kicking, swearing, and screaming -- and the crowd goes wild, cheering, applauding, and high-fiving. Barack is bowing and smiling, and leans over to the agent and says, "You were right, I would have never believed that!" Then noticing the agent has gone totally pale, Barack asks what is wrong? The agent replies, "Sir, I said, they want you to throw out the first PITCH!" I almost cried when I read that. That's way too funny.
Traveler2586 Posted May 29, 2012 Author Posted May 29, 2012 The agent replies, "Sir, I said, they want you to throw out the first PITCH!" I just had to pass that one on to some friends, OMG LOL funny
Super User clayton86 Posted May 30, 2012 Super User Posted May 30, 2012 hahaha I litterly lol'ed when I read that
SmokeRise1 Posted May 30, 2012 Posted May 30, 2012 A guy walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing nothing but a suit made out of Saran Wrap. The doctor takes one look at him and says "Well, I can clearly see your nuts".
Traveler2586 Posted May 30, 2012 Author Posted May 30, 2012 A guy walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing nothing but a suit made out of Saran Wrap. The doctor takes one look at him and says "Well, I can clearly see your nuts".
Traveler2586 Posted May 30, 2012 Author Posted May 30, 2012 A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, 'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?' 'HELLLOOOOOOO......,' answered the blonde. 'They're watch dogs'!
Super User A-Jay Posted May 31, 2012 Super User Posted May 31, 2012 Sometimes the sign says it all. A-Jay 1
Traveler2586 Posted May 31, 2012 Author Posted May 31, 2012 A-Jay, great sign.... LOL A young ventriloquist is touring Sweden and, one night, he's doing a show in a small fishing town. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes. Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting, "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype Swedish blond women that way? What does the color of a woman's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as people. Its people like you that make others think that all Blonde's are dumb! You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blonde's, but women in general...pathetically all in the name of humor!" The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells: "You stay out of this! I'm talking to that little idiot on your lap." 1
Super User Raider Nation Fisher Posted May 31, 2012 Super User Posted May 31, 2012 A midget walks in a bar, and yells out, "who's the biggest SOB in here?!" A big ol burly fella stands up and says that be me lil man. Well the midget jumps up on the bar downs two shots of tequila and precedes to beat the breaks off the man. After beating the big fella to the floor he downs to more shots and walks out of the bar. This goes on every Saturday night for three months. With the same results. Well the bartender starts getting sick of his patrons being carted out of his bar on a weekly basis. So he goes out and buys a gorilla. That Saturday after noon he sticks Mr gorilla in the bathroom of the bar. As usual the midget walks in and makes his usual announcement to the bar. The bar tender answers this time and says, "The baddest man in the bar is in the restroom right now." Well the midget jumps up downs his shots and runs into the bathroom. About a minute later a enormous commotion erupts in the bathroom. Pictures on the walls start falling to the ground as the walls rattle from all the commotion in that bathroom. About ten minutes later silence engulfs the bar. The midget comes strolling out of the bathroom. He grabs a shot off the bar and says to the bartender, "when your big ol' Italian goon in the bathroom wakes up. Tell him his fur coat is in the toilet."
Traveler2586 Posted June 1, 2012 Author Posted June 1, 2012 A young boy went up to his father and asked him, 'Dad, what is the difference between potentially and realistically?' The father thought for a moment, then answered, 'Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a Million dollars, and then ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that.' So the boy went to his mother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?' The mother replied, 'Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!' The boy then went to his sister and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?' The girl replied, 'Oh my Gawd! I LOVE Brad Pitt I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?' The boy then went to his brother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?' 'Of course,' the brother replied. 'Do you know what a million Bucks would buy?' The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad. His father asked him, 'Did you find out the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?' The boy replied, 'Yes, 'Potentially', you and I are sitting on Three million dollars . But 'realistically', we're just living with two hookers and a ****. 4
Traveler2586 Posted June 14, 2012 Author Posted June 14, 2012 A man and his young wife were in divorce court, but the custody of their children posed a problem. The mother leaped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them. The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his justification. After a long silence, the man slowly rose from his chair and replied... "Your Honor, when I put a dollar in a vending machine and a Coke comes out, does the Coke belong to me or the machine?" 1
Super User slonezp Posted June 15, 2012 Super User Posted June 15, 2012 A flat-chested young lady read an article in a magazine that stated Dr. Bumbutu in Africa could enlarge your breast without surgery. So she decided to go to Dr. Bumbutu to see if he could help her. Dr. Bumbutu advised her, 'Every day after your shower, rub your chest and say, 'Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies!' She did this faithfully for several months, and to her utter amazement she grew a terrific D-cup rack! One morning she was running late, got on the bus, and in a panic realized she had forgotten her morning ritual. Frightened she might lose her lovely boobs if she didn't recite the little rhyme, she stood right there in the middle aisle of the bus closed her eyes and said , 'Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies.' A guy sitting nearby looked at her and asked ' Are you a patient of Dr Bumbutu's?' Yes I am.. How did you know?' He winked and whispered, ' Hickory dickory dock... 3
Traveler2586 Posted June 16, 2012 Author Posted June 16, 2012 He winked and whispered, ' Hickory dickory dock... The Dead Cow Lecture First-year students at the Purdue Vet School were attending their first anatomy class with a real dead cow. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them, "In Veterinary medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor. The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal’s body." For an example, the professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the cow, withdrew it, and stuck his finger in his mouth. "Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead cow and sucking on it. When everyone finished, the professor looked at them and said, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention. Life's tough,,,, but it's even tougher if you're stupid. 3
Super User deaknh03 Posted June 17, 2012 Super User Posted June 17, 2012 What is the worst thing a woman can hear Willie Nelson say to her after she performs an oral act on him?
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