Super User Sam Posted February 16, 2015 Super User Posted February 16, 2015 Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion."If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds."Willing to try anything, I fetched a piece of toilet paper and stood in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts."How long will this take?" I asked."They will grow larger over a period of years," my husband replies.I stopped."Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?"Without missing a beat he says: "Worked for your butt, didn't it?"He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk again although he will probably continue to take his meals through a straw. 4
Super User *Hootie Posted February 16, 2015 Super User Posted February 16, 2015 Sam, your jokes kill me...lol. How's this: An older gentleman looking to buy his wife a Valentines day gift was shown an extremely sheer pieceof lingerie. $500.00 it was, but he bought it anyway. Upon presenting it to his wife, he suggested shetake it upstairs and try it on. When she saw how revealing it was, she became a little irritated. I’ll showhim she thought. So taking off all her clothes, she walks out of the bedroom to the top of the stairs, naked, and says, well how do you like it . It looks fine, he says. But you would think, for $500.00, they couldhave at least ironed the wrinkles out of it.Hootie 3
Super User Dwight Hottle Posted February 16, 2015 Super User Posted February 16, 2015 Two little boys are going to the hospital the next day for operations.Theirs will be first on the schedule. The older boy leans over and asks, "What are you having done?" The second boy says, "I'm getting my tonsils out, and I'm afraid." The first boy says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up, they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze." The second boy then asks, "What are you going in for?" The first boy says, "Circumcision." "Whoa!" the smaller boy replies. "Good luck, buddy. I had that done when I was born. Couldn't walk for a year." 2
baluga Posted February 16, 2015 Posted February 16, 2015 Doctor's Embarrassing medical exams.. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB. I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams. To cover my embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly.The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and sheepishly said. . .I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?'She replied with tears running down her cheeks from laughing so hard . . . 'No doctor but the song you were whistling was . . . 'I wish I was an Oscar Mayer Wiener.' Dr. wouldn't submit his name. 2
Super User slonezp Posted February 17, 2015 Super User Posted February 17, 2015 A young guy from Abbeville, Alabama, moves to California and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job. The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience? The kid says, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Alabama." Well, the boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did." His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many sales did you make today?" The kid says, "One." The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. You're going to have to improve considerably or look for another job! How much was the sale for?" The kid says, "$112,237.64." The boss says, "$112,237.64?! What in the world did you sell?!" Kid says, "First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the lake, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a new bass boat. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that new Ford pick-up. I asked him how long he was going to be out at the lake and after he said 5 or 6days I took him down to the RV department and sold him slide-in camper for the truck." The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat, a truck and a camper? "Kid says, "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, 'Well, your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing.'" 4
Super User Dwight Hottle Posted February 17, 2015 Super User Posted February 17, 2015 That's an oldie but goodie.
Super User Sam Posted February 17, 2015 Super User Posted February 17, 2015 Three sisters age 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One night the 96 year old ...draws a bath, puts her foot in and pauses. She yells down the stairs, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?" The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know, I'll come up and see." She starts up the stairs and pauses, then she yells, "Was I going up the stairs or coming down?" The 92 year old was sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful." She knocks on wood for good measure. She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door." 2
Super User RoLo Posted February 18, 2015 Super User Posted February 18, 2015 Why is there an expiration date on sour cream? ------------------------------------------------------------- Shouldn’t hemorrhoids be called asteroids? --------------------------------------------------------- One nice thing about egotists, they never talk about other people -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Is there another word for “synonym”? ------------------------------------------------- Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery? ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ I asked the woman at the bookstore: “Where is the ‘Self-Help' section?” She replied, “If I told you, wouldn't that defeat the purpose?”. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What was the best thing before sliced bread? ----------------------------------------------------------- Roger 2
BassResource.com Administrator Glenn Posted February 18, 2015 BassResource.com Administrator Posted February 18, 2015 Ok guys, posts have been removed due to complaints. Sorry, but I have to close it down. Too many "offensive" posts.
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