Super User Sam Posted April 22, 2012 Super User Posted April 22, 2012 Boudreau was sitting on his porch by the bayou when Thibodaux comes by in his pirogue filled with Nutra Sweet. “Where you going?” asked Boudreau. “To get some nutria’s. Want to come along?” Thibodaux replied. “You go on, and good luck.” Boudreau said. That evening Thibodaux returned with a pirogue filled with nutria. The next day Thibodaux pass Boudreau with a pirogue filled with Duck Tape. “Where you going? Asked Boudreau. “To get some ducks today. You want to come along?” Thibodaux replied. “You go on, and good luck.” Boudreau said. That evening Thibodaux returned with a pirogue filled with ducks. The third day Thibodaux comes by in his pirogue filled with flowers. “What you got there?” asked Boudreau. “***** Willows.” Thibodaux replied. “Hey Thibodaux,” replied Boudreau, “give me a second to go get my coat.”
Super User slonezp Posted April 24, 2012 Super User Posted April 24, 2012 The stage is set with a mountain man trapper and a misty valley. He's kneeling down in a stream setting a trap near a beaver lodge with his faithful white horse grazing nearby. With a drizzling mist in the air. He stands to his feet and looks at the canyon rim and sees three indian silhouettes. He instantly whistles for his faithful horse and the horses ears perk up. And he takes off for the opposite canyon rim. Next thing he knows, everything goes black. He wakes up groggy to find that he's tied to a tree with the indians placing sticks around the bottom of the tree to start a fire and burn him to death. He begs to one of the indians, please please just let me talk to my faithful horse one last time. The indian responds, "yeah that's fine, you're going to die anyway". So he whistles for his faithful horse. The horse comes over to him. And the mountain man whispers quietly into the horse's ear and the horses ears perk up and the horse instantly takes off down into the canyon. Some time elapses. The mountain man becomes conscience again and looks down to see the yellow glow of a small fire starting with a pillow of smoke coming up. He looks up and sees his faithful white horse riding up the canyon with a beautiful naked blonde, hair blowing in the wind, and body parts bouncing with the ride. The horse rides up and the indians ****** the lady and tie her up. The man says, "Please please just let me speak to my horse one last time." Now after seeing what the horse brought back the first time, the indians respond with "Fine!" He whistles for his horse and the horse comes over and he whispers quietly into the horse's ear. Instantly the horses ears perk straight up and he takes off down the canyon. Everything goes to black and he loses consciousness. And time elapses once again. He wakes up to find smoke and sweat in his face and through it he can see his white horse coming up the canyon with a beautiful unclothed brunette this time. The horse pulls up and the indians pull her off the horse and tie her up. The mountain man begins begging to the indians, "please please let me speak to my horse one last time." The third indian says "heck yeah". The mountain man whistles for his faithful horse and the horse come over. . . . . . . . And the mountain man screams at the horse, "I said POSSE you **#@#* horse!!!" 4
Traveler2586 Posted April 25, 2012 Author Posted April 25, 2012 And the mountain man screams at the horse, "I said POSSE you **#@#* horse!!!"
Super User slonezp Posted April 27, 2012 Super User Posted April 27, 2012 Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music. The iTit will cost from $499 to $699, depending on cup and speaker size. This is considered a major social breakthrough, because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them. 2
Super User clayton86 Posted April 28, 2012 Super User Posted April 28, 2012 Did you hear that apple canceled there iPad line for kids they realized iTouch kids was a step in the wrong direction
Super User slonezp Posted April 29, 2012 Super User Posted April 29, 2012 An airplane takes off from the airport. The captain is Jewish and the First Officer is Chinese. It is the first time they have flown together and it is obvious by the silence that they do not get along. After thirty minutes, the Jewish Captain mutters: - I do not like Chinese. The First Officer replies: - Oooooh, no likee Chinese? Why dat? - You bombed Pearl harbor. That is why I do not like Chinese. - Nooooo, noooo... Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah. That Japanese, not Chinese. - Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese...it does not matter, they are all alike. Another thirty minutes of silence. Finally the First Officer says: - No likee Jew. - Why not? Why do not you like Jews? - Jews sink Titanic. - No, no. The Jews did not sink the Titanic. It was an iceberg. - Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, Rosenberg, no mattah... all same.
Super User slonezp Posted April 29, 2012 Super User Posted April 29, 2012 WOMAN'S LOVE POEM > > > > Before I lay me down to sleep, > > I pray for a man, who's not a creep. > > One who's handsome, smart and strong. > > One who loves to listen long. > > One who thinks before he speaks. > > One who'll call, not wait for weeks. > > I pray he's gainfully employed. > > When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed. > > Pulls out my chair and opens my door. > > Massages my back and begs to do more. > > Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind. > > Knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?" > > I pray that this man will love me to no end, > > And always be my very best friend. > > > > > > > > MAN'S LOVE POEM > > > > I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with > > huge boobs who owns a bar on a golf course, > > and loves to send me fishing and hunting. This > > doesn't rhyme and I don't give a crap. 2
Super User Raider Nation Fisher Posted April 29, 2012 Super User Posted April 29, 2012 WOMAN'S LOVE POEM > > > > Before I lay me down to sleep, > > I pray for a man, who's not a creep. > > One who's handsome, smart and strong. > > One who loves to listen long. > > One who thinks before he speaks. > > One who'll call, not wait for weeks. > > I pray he's gainfully employed. > > When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed. > > Pulls out my chair and opens my door. > > Massages my back and begs to do more. > > Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind. > > Knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?" > > I pray that this man will love me to no end, > > And always be my very best friend. > > > > > > > > MAN'S LOVE POEM > > > > I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with > > huge boobs who owns a bar on a golf course, > > and loves to send me fishing and hunting. This > > doesn't rhyme and I don't give a crap. ROFLMAO! :D :D 1
Super User Raider Nation Fisher Posted May 3, 2012 Super User Posted May 3, 2012 I like that. That is hysterical.
Traveler2586 Posted May 15, 2012 Author Posted May 15, 2012 Due to a rise of crime in the area, we just acquired a guard dog to protect our house. With the recent military cuts overseas, the US government has developed a new program where citizens can apply to adopt retired military canines. The nice part is he is only a couple years old and already fully trained by the US Marine Corps. I’ve attached some photos of my newest family member below... For your safety, UPON ARRIVING AT MY HOME please call the house from the driveway and REMAIN IN YOUR CAR!!! 2
Super User slonezp Posted May 15, 2012 Super User Posted May 15, 2012 A woman takes her dog to the vet for his check-up. During the visit she mentions that he's getting older and seems to be having trouble hearing her when she calls him. The vet does his exam and then carefully trims away a large amount of hair that is blocking the dog's ears. "Ma'am, it's just that he has exceptionally furry ears and you'll need to keep them cleared so he can hear. I recommend that you go to the drug store and pick up some hair-removal cream, rub it on his ears every week or two and that should take care of it." So on the way home she stops at the drug store and grabs a jar of hair remover. At the check-out counter, the druggist says, "If you use this on your legs, I would recommend a good moisturizing lotion and don't wear long pants for a few days." "Oh," she says, "I'm not using it on my legs" "Well in that case, you should not use any deodorant under your arms for a couple of days afterward." "I'm not using it on my under-arms either" she says, "I'm putting it on my schnauzer" "Ah!" says the clerk,"then I would recommend you stay off the exercise bike for at least a week."
Traveler2586 Posted May 15, 2012 Author Posted May 15, 2012 A woman takes her dog to the vet for his check-up. .............................." I'm not using it on my under-arms either" she says, "I'm putting it on my schnauzer" "Ah!" says the clerk,"then I would recommend you stay off the exercise bike for at least a week."
Traveler2586 Posted May 16, 2012 Author Posted May 16, 2012 A tough looking group of bikers were riding when they saw a woman about to jump off a bridge, so they stopped. The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?" "I'm going to commit suicide," she says. While he didn't want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity either, so he asked... "Well, before you jump why don't you give me a kiss?" So she does... And it was a long, deep, passionate, lingering kiss. After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I've ever had! That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous. Why in the world would you want to commit suicide?" "My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl." The authorities think 'she' may have been pushed. 1
outdoorsman110 Posted May 16, 2012 Posted May 16, 2012 3 Labs at the vet Three male Labrador retrievers, one brown, one yellow and one black, were sitting in the waiting room at the vet's office when they struck up a conversation. The black lab turned to the brown and said, "So why are you here?" The brown lab replied, "I'm a pisser. I tick on everything --the sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night when I ticked in the middle of my owner's bed." The black lab said, "So what is the vet going to do?" Gonna cut my nuts off," came the reply from the brown lab. "They reckon it'll calm me down." The black lab then turned to the yellow lab and asked, "Why are you here?" The yellow lab said, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owner's couch." So what are they going to do to you?" the black lab inquired. "Looks like I'm losing my nuts too." The dejected yellow lab said. The yellow lab then turned to the black lab and asked, "Why are you here?" I'm a humper," the black lab said. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, postboxes, whatever. I want to hump everything I see. Yesterday, my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and started humping away". The yellow and brown labs exchanged a sad glance and said, "So, nuts off for you too, huh?" The black lab said.... "No, I'm here to get my nails clipped." 1
Traveler2586 Posted May 16, 2012 Author Posted May 16, 2012 .........."No, I'm here to get my nails clipped" 1
Traveler2586 Posted May 16, 2012 Author Posted May 16, 2012 AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it. 'Impossible!' says the doctor.. 'Show me.' The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream. The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you? 'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.' 'I thought so,' the doctor said, 'Your finger is broken.' 1
outdoorsman110 Posted May 16, 2012 Posted May 16, 2012 AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it. 'Impossible!' says the doctor.. 'Show me.' The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream. The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you? 'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.' 'I thought so,' the doctor said, 'Your finger is broken.' AHAHAHAHAAH!!!!!!!!
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