Jokes - Let's Have Some Fun

[Sam]

The young grandson walks up to his grandfather who is siting in the recliner watching TV and he asks his grandfather, "Grandpop, can you make a sound like a frog?"

 

"Well," said the old man, "I guess I could but why?"

 

"Because, grandma said that when you croak we can all got to Disney World."

[Dwight Hottle]

Time is like a river. You cannot touch the water twice, because the flow that has passed will never pass again. Enjoy every moment of life. As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Nova Scotia back country. 

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late.

I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.
And as I played "Amazing Grace", the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head was hung low, my heart was full.

 As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen anything like that before, and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

Apparently, I'm still lost....it's a man thing.

 

[slonezp]

A PROFESSOR OF MATHEMATICS SENT A FAX TO HIS WIFE ... IT READ: Dear Wife: You must realize that you are 54 years old and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife. I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that, by the time you receive this fax, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18 year old teaching assistant. I'll be home before midnight. Your Husband.

When he arrived at the hotel, there was a fax waiting for him which read as follows: Dear Husband: You, too, are 54 years old and by the time you receive this, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18 year old pool boy. Being the brilliant mathematician that you are, you can easily appreciate the fact that 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18, so don't wait up. Your Wife.

[Sam]

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!"

 

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

 

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night."

 

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"

 

John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life sitting in church beside me wife."

 

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

 

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

 

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been in there twice in the last four years. "Once I had to pull him by the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell asleep".

 

[pghgeorge]

The rain was pouring and there was a big puddle in front of the pub just outside the Air Force Base.

A ragged old Naval Aviator, wearing his Winged ball cap, was standing near the edge with a fishing rod, his line in the puddle.

A curious young Air Force fighter pilot stopped and asked what he was doing.
'Fishing,' the old guy simply said.
'Poor old fool,' the Air Force officer thought and he invited the ragged old Naval Aviator aviator into the pub for a drink.

As he felt he should start some conversation while they
were sipping their whiskey, the haughty fighter pilot asked, "And how many have you caught?'

 

'You're the eighth, the old Naval Aviator answered.

[slonezp]

A guy walks into a bar in West Virginia and sits down at the bar.

The bartender asked what he wanted and the stranger said, “I’ll have a chardonnay.”

At that, all the hillbillies sitting around the bar looked up suspiciously from their beer and whiskey when they hear the newcomer place his order.

The bartender says, "You ain't from around here, are ya?"

The guy says, "No, I'm from Canada ."

The bartender says, "What do you do in Canada ?"

The guy says, "I'm a taxidermist."

The bartender says, "A taxidermist? What in the **** is a taxidermist? Do you drive a taxi?"




"No," says the Canadian "I don't drive a taxi, I mount animals."




The bartender grins and hollers, "It's okay boys… he's one of us."
 

[mrmacwvu1]

I resemble that remark

[Dwight Hottle]

Old age ain't for wimps....but it beats dying young.

 

HELL TO GET OLD...

 

Two medical students were walking along the campus street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart. He was stiff-legged and walking slowly.

 

One student said to his friend: "I'm sure that poor old guy has Peltry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that."

 

The other student says: "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks slowly and his legs are apart, just as we learned in class."

 

Since they couldn't agree, they decided to ask the old man. They approached him and one of the med students said to him….

 

"We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?"

 

The old man said, "I'll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students think."

 

The first student said, "I think it's Peltry Syndrome."

 

The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."

 

The other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."

 

The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."

 

So they asked him, "Well, old timer, what do you have?"

 

The old man said, "I thought it was GAS - but I was wrong, too!"

[Smokinal]

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!"

 

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

 

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night."

 

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"

 

John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life sitting in church beside me wife."

 

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

 

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

 

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been in there twice in the last four years. "Once I had to pull him by the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell asleep".

[Bluebasser86]

Thought for the day;

 

A married man should forget his mistakes, there's no use in two people remembering the same thing. 

[Matthew2000]

That was a crappie joke

[Dwight Hottle]

That was a crappie joke

 

 

You are not going to last very long. Your last few posts are a little questionable.

[Dwight Hottle]

Bad Parrot

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.

Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary.
 
Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John threatened the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude. John, in desperation, threw up his hands, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.

For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.

Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.

As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior,
the bird spoke-up, very softly, "May I ask what the turkey did?"



And you thought there were no clean jokes left!  

Happy Thanksgiving

 

 

 

_____________

[Catch 22]

After a few  visits to the local donut a fellow realized that if he ordered a raisin muffin, the good looking girl with a very short skirt had to get on a ladder to reach for it.As he was catching an eyeful, another guy comes in to see whats going on,so he orders a rasin muffin too. While she was up the ladder an old guy walks in and she looks at him and says "is yours raisin too".

He says " no ,but its tingling a little bit" 

C22

[Jd_Phillips_Fishin]

                                 She's New to Football

 

A guy took his girlfriend to her first football game. After the game, he asked her how she liked the game.

"I liked it but why were they trying to kill each other just for 25 cents?"

"What do you mean?" he asked.

"Well, every body kept yelling, 'Get the quarter back!'"

[Jd_Phillips_Fishin]

                                                     Proving Fan Loyalty 

One day, a Cowboy fan, a Saints fan, and a Redskins fan were standing on the edge of a cliff. The Saints fan said, "I'm gonna prove my fan loyalty by jumping off the cliff," and he jumped off and died. The Cowboy fan saw this and said, "I'm now gonna prove my loyalty," and he threw the Redskin fan off.

[Jd_Phillips_Fishin]

                                                     Two Trouble Makers

A couple had their two mischievous boys, 8 and 10. They were always getting in trouble, and the parents knew that if any mischief occurred they would get blamed.

 

​The boys' mother heard that a clergyman in town was good at disciplining his kids, so she asked him to speak with her two boys. The man agreed and asked to see them individually, the 8 year old in the morning and the 10 year old in the afternoon.

 

The clergyman, a big man with a big booming voice said to the 8 year old, "Where is God?!" The little boy just sat there and looked down. The man repeated the question again in his big intimidating voice, "Where is God?!" Again, the small kid just sat there. So the clergyman getting a little upset yelled, "Where is God?!"

 

The boy screamed, ran out the room, and bolted for home. He ran right to his room, slammed the door and jumped in the closet. When his older brother found him he said, "What happened?"

"We are in deep trouble this time! God went missing, and they think we did it!"

[Sam]

A woman and a man are lying in bed next to each other when her phone rings.

 She picks up; the man looks over at her and listens.
 
 She is speaking in a cheery voice, "Hi, I'm so glad you called. Really? That's wonderful.

 I'm so happy for you. That sounds terrific. Great!  Thanks. Okay. Bye bye."

 She hangs up, and the man asks, "Who was that?"

 

 "Oh, she replies, “that was my husband telling me about the great time he's having on his golf trip with you."

 

[Dwight Hottle]

A man goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two
drops of water. As the bartender gives him the drink he says: 'I'm on
this cruise to celebrate my 88th birthday and it's today.' The
bartender says 'Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink.
In fact, this one is on me.'

As the man finishes his drink the person to his right says'I would
like to buy you a drink, too.'

The old man says 'Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops
of water.'

'Coming up' says the bartender.'

As he finishes that drink, the person to his left says 'I would like
to buy you one, too.'

The old man says 'Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two
drops of water.'

'Coming right up' the bartender says. As he gives him the drink, he
says, Sir, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops
of water?'
The old man replies, ’Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to
hold your liquor... Holding your water, however, is a whole other
issue.'


 

[gardnerjigman]

A man goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two

drops of water. As the bartender gives him the drink he says: 'I'm on

this cruise to celebrate my 88th birthday and it's today.' The

bartender says 'Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink.

In fact, this one is on me.'

As the man finishes his drink the person to his right says'I would

like to buy you a drink, too.'

The old man says 'Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops

of water.'

'Coming up' says the bartender.'

As he finishes that drink, the person to his left says 'I would like

to buy you one, too.'

The old man says 'Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two

drops of water.'

'Coming right up' the bartender says. As he gives him the drink, he

says, Sir, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops

of water?'

The old man replies, ’Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to

hold your liquor... Holding your water, however, is a whole other

issue.'

That is great!

[slonezp]

I was walking past the mental hospital yesterday and all the patients were yelling "13!...13!...13!"
The fence was too high to see over but I saw a gap in the fence and decided to peak through.
Just then, some idiot pokes me with a stick in the eye!!!
Then they all began to yell, "14!..14!..14!"

[slonezp]

[papajoe222]

A Mafia Don calls his only son over to his death bed and says: Tony, lissin a me' I wanna givea you dis chrome plated revolver befor I die. It was my Papa's and now itsa youz.

But Papa, I dona like da guns, howz about  you gimme your Rolex instead.

Lissena a me, some day you a gonna run da bizziness, you gonna have lotsa money, a beautiful wive, a nicea houz and maybe a couple of bambinos.  One day you gonna come home and finna da wife in you bed wit another man.........What you gonna do then, huh...Pointa to you watch and say 'Timesa up!"

[Sam]

A DEA Agent stopped at a ranch in Texas and talked to an old rancher.

 

He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."

 

The rancher... said, "okay, but don't go into that field over there...", as he pointed out the location. The DEA Agent verbally exploded and said, "look mister, I have the authority of the federal government with me!"

 

Reaching into his rear back pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher. "See this badge?! This badge means I can go wherever I want... On any land! No questions asked, no answers given! Do you understand old man?!"

 

The rancher kindly nodded, apologized, and went about his chores.

 

Moments later the rancher heard loud screams, he looked up and saw the DEA agent running for his life, being chased by the ranchers big Santa Gertrudis Bull...... With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it was likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety.

 

The officer was clearly terrified.

 

The old rancher threw down his tools, ran as fast as he could to the fence, and yelled at the top of his lungs......

 

"YOUR BADGE! SHOW HIM YOUR BADGE!"

 

[Kevin Beachy]

 

A DEA Agent stopped at a ranch in Texas and talked to an old rancher.

 

He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."

 

The rancher... said, "okay, but don't go into that field over there...", as he pointed out the location. The DEA Agent verbally exploded and said, "look mister, I have the authority of the federal government with me!"

 

Reaching into his rear back pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher. "See this badge?! This badge means I can go wherever I want... On any land! No questions asked, no answers given! Do you understand old man?!"

 

The rancher kindly nodded, apologized, and went about his chores.

 

Moments later the rancher heard loud screams, he looked up and saw the DEA agent running for his life, being chased by the ranchers big Santa Gertrudis Bull...... With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it was likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety.

 

The officer was clearly terrified.

 

The old rancher threw down his tools, ran as fast as he could to the fence, and yelled at the top of his lungs......

 

"YOUR BADGE! SHOW HIM YOUR BADGE!"

 

There is lots of versions of this one and i  love them all!