Jokes - Let's Have Some Fun

[Sam]

Understanding Engineers #1*

Two engineering students were biking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"

 

The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."

 

The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice: The clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway.”

 

Understanding Engineers #2

To the optimist, the glass is half-full.

 

To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty.

 

To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

 

Understanding Engineers #3

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.

 

The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"

 

The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"

 

The priest said, "Here comes the greens-keeper. Let's have a word with him.  He said, "Hello George, wrong with that group ahead of us?

They're rather slow, aren't they?"

 

The greens-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so

we always let them play for free anytime!"

 

The group fell silent for a moment. The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

 

The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything she can do for them."

 

The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?”

 

 

Understanding Engineers #4

What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?

 

Mechanical engineers build weapons.  Civil engineers build targets.

 

Understanding Engineers #5

The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"

 

The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?”

 

The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"

 

 The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?”

 

 

Understanding Engineers #6

Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.

 

Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.

 

And Finally...

 

Two Engineers

Two engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking at its top.

 

A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.

 

"We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole," said Sven, "but we don't have a ladder."

 

The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a couple of bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground. Then she took a tape measure from her pocketbook, took a measurement, announced, "twenty one feet, six inches” and she then walked away.

 

One engineer shook his head and laughed, "A lot of good that does us. We ask for the height and she gives us the length!"

 

Both engineers have since quit their engineering jobs and are currently serving in the United States Congress.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[slonezp]

After a long day on the golf course, I stopped in at "Hooter's" to see some friends and have some hot Wings and drinks.

 After being there for a while, one of my friends asked me which waitress I would like to be stuck in an elevator with.

 I told them "The one who knows how to fix elevators."

I'm old, tired, and pee a lot.

 

[Scott F]

3 mountain climbers who were also rabid football fans argued all the way up the mountain about which team had the best fans. When they got to the top, the Cowboys fan said "I'll prove that Dallas fans were the best and most devoted" and he jumped off the mountain. The Chicago fan said he could prove Bears fans were the best so he pushed the Packer fan off the mountain.

[Redlinerobert]

I keep watching this over and over and...

 

[Redlinerobert]

Watch this and try not to laugh.

 

[slonezp]

Two guys, one old, one young, are pushing their carts around the grocery store when they collide. The old guy says to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going." The young guy says, "That's OK, it's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too... I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate." The old guy says, "Well, maybe I can help you find her... what does she look like?" The young guy says, "Well, she is 27 yrs. old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, is buxom wearing no bra, long legs, and is wearing short shorts. What does your wife look like?' To which the old guy says, "Doesn't matter, --- let's look for yours."

[roadwarrior]

Okay...Might be an All Time Favorite!

 

 

 

[Sam]

 My New Cowboy Boots

 

Bert at 80 years old, always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?"

Margaret at age 75, looked him over and replied, "Nope."

Frustrated as all get out,  Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the new boots.

Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different NOW???"

Margaret looked up and said in her best deadpan response, "Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday,and  it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."

Furious, Bert yells out, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?"

"Nope. Not a clue", she replied.

"IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!"

 

Without missing beat, old Margaret replies, "Shoulda bought a hat, Bert.Shoulda bought a hat."

 

[WdyCrankbait]

Two guys, one old, one young, are pushing their carts around the grocery store when they collide. The old guy says to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going." The young guy says, "That's OK, it's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too... I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate." The old guy says, "Well, maybe I can help you find her... what does she look like?" The young guy says, "Well, she is 27 yrs. old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, is buxom wearing no bra, long legs, and is wearing short shorts. What does your wife look like?' To which the old guy says, "Doesn't matter, --- let's look for yours."

 

The actual truth is I think every older guy would do the same thing.  I know I will when I get old.  

[Dwight Hottle]

Husband Store

 

 

 

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

 

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

 

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

 

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.

 

 

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

 

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

 

'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'

 

 

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

 

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

 

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

 

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

 

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

 

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

 

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

 

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

 

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

 

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

 

PLEASE NOTE:

 

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

 

The first floor has wives that love sex.

 

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer

 

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

--

 

 

​

 

 

[A-Jay]

^^^^^^^^^^^

 

EXCELLENT ~ !

 

       

 

A-Jay

[Redlinerobert]

Just loading my Bobcat....

 

[slonezp]

[Sam]

A couple was having dinner one evening when the husband reached across the
table, took his wife's hand in his and said,

"Beth, soon we will be married 30 years, and there's something I have to
know. In all of these 30 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?"

Beth
replied, "Well Charles, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I've been
unfaithful to you on three occasion's during these 30 years, but always for a good
reason."

Charles was obviously hurt by his wife's confession, but said, " I never
suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by 'good reasons'?"

Beth said, "The very first time was shortly after we were married,
and we
were about to lose our little house because we couldn't pay the mortgage.

Do you remember that one evening I went to see the banker and the next day
he notified you that the loan would be extended?"

Charles recalled the visit to the banker and said, "I can forgive you for
that.

You saved our home, but what about the second time?"

Beth asked, "And do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn't have
the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed?

Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he did the
surgery at no charge."

"I recall that," says Chuck.

"And you did it to save my life, so of course I can forgive you for that.

Now tell me about the third time."

"All right," Beth said.

"So do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club, and you
needed 73 more votes"?"

[A-Jay]

The  only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon "quickie " with their 8-year-old son in the  apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report  on all the neighborhood activities...
 
-  "There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he shouted.
 
He  began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:
 
-  "An ambulance just drove by!"
 
-  "Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out.
 
-  "Matt's riding a new bike!"
 
-  "Looks like the Sanders are moving!"
 
-  "Jason is on his skate board!"
 
After  a few moments he announced...
 
-  "The Coopers are having sex!"
 
Startled,  his mother and dad shot up in bed.
 
Dad  cautiously called out..."How do you know they're having sex?"
 
-  " Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle."

A-Jay

 

[Redlinerobert]

Shoplifter tries to outrun store employees...who happen to be ultrarunners.  Ha!!

 

 

http://trailrunnermag.com/people/news/1515-shoplifter-gets-schooled-by-ultrarunners

[Traveler2586]

One time there was a salmon fisherman who was out in the ocean fishing and his boat sank.

 

He was lucky enough to make to a deserted island.

 

When the Coastguard found him, the leader noticed there was a fire pit with California Condor feathers.

He went over to the fisherman and said, "You know, it's illegal to kill a California Condor, I'm afraid I'm going to have to arrest you."

 

The fisherman protested for some time saying that he killed it because he was going to starve.

 

Eventually he calmed down.

 

The man arresting asked him, "Out of curiosity, What did it taste like?"

 

Tthe fisherman replied, " Well, it was kind of a mix between a snowy owl and a bald eagle.

[slonezp]

A man received the following text from his neighbour:

I am so sorry mate. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess.

I have been helping myself to your wife, day and night when you're not around, in fact more than you.

I do not get it at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't, ever happen again.

The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.

A few moments later, a second text came in:

Bloody autospell! I meant "wifi, not "wife

 

[roadwarrior]

Hmm...Is that funny?

[Kevin Beachy]

Hmm...Is that funny?

nope, awful, cant control temper.....

[Sam]

Job Notice

 

Gynecologist's Assistant

A retired man went into the Job Center in Downtown Denver, and saw a
card advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant. Interested, he went in
and asked the clerk for details.
 
The clerk pulled up the file and read; "The job entails getting the
ladies ready for the gynecologist.

 

You have to help the women out of their underwear, lay them down and
carefully wash their private regions,  then apply shaving foam and gently

shave off the hair, then rub in soothing oils so they're ready for the
gynecologist's examination. The annual salary is $65,000, and you'll
have to go to Billings, Montana."
 
"Good grief . . . Is that where the job is?"
 
"No sir . . . that's where the end of the line is right now."

[Smokinal]

^^^Holy Smokes!! One of the best ones in a while^^^

[clayton86]

[Smokinal]

 

[Sam]

HOW OLD GUYS PICK UP WOMEN

I am getting on in years and not the best looking guy anymore. Some
would even say I'm a little frayed around the edges....

But, I have a nice car, a little money, and I spend most of my time
casually traveling from place to place and enjoying life.

 

I met a nice looking girl in a park the other evening. There was an
instant spark between us.

 

All of a sudden, she did this cute little dance, then immediately dropped to her knees and lay on the grass at my feet.

 

As we lay there making love, I thought ....... "Wow, these taser guns
are really worth the money!!"