Super User slonezp Posted September 7, 2014 Super User Posted September 7, 2014 Teacher ask kids in her 3rd grade class..."What do you want to be when you grow up? LITTLE KEVIN SAYS: "I WANNA START OUT AS A MARINE PILOT, THEN BE A BILLIONAIRE, GO TO THE MOST EXPENSIVE CLUBS,FIND ME THE FINEST *****, GIVE HER A FERRARI WORTH OVER A MILLION BUCKS, AN APARTMENT IN COPACABANA, A MANSION IN PARIS, A JET TO TRAVEL THROUGHOUT EUROPE, AN INFINITE VISA CARD, AND ALL THE WHILE BANGING HER LIKE A LOOSE SCREEN DOOR IN A HURRICANE."THE TEACHER, SHOCKED, AND NOT KNOWING WHAT TO DO WITH THIS HORRIBLE RESPONSE FROM LITTLE KEVIN,DECIDES NOT TO ACKNOWLEDGE WHAT HE SAID AND SIMPLY TRIES TO CONTINUE WITH THE LESSON . . . ."And how about you, Sarah?""I wanna be Kevin's *****." 2
Kevin Beachy Posted September 7, 2014 Posted September 7, 2014 Teacher ask kids in her 3rd grade class..."What do you want to be when you grow up? LITTLE KEVIN SAYS: "I WANNA START OUT AS A MARINE PILOT, THEN BE A BILLIONAIRE, GO TO THE MOST EXPENSIVE CLUBS, FIND ME THE FINEST *****, GIVE HER A FERRARI WORTH OVER A MILLION BUCKS, AN APARTMENT IN COPACABANA, A MANSION IN PARIS, A JET TO TRAVEL THROUGHOUT EUROPE, AN INFINITE VISA CARD, AND ALL THE WHILE BANGING HER LIKE A LOOSE SCREEN DOOR IN A HURRICANE." THE TEACHER, SHOCKED, AND NOT KNOWING WHAT TO DO WITH THIS HORRIBLE RESPONSE FROM LITTLE KEVIN,DECIDES NOT TO ACKNOWLEDGE WHAT HE SAID AND SIMPLY TRIES TO CONTINUE WITH THE LESSON . . . . "And how about you, Sarah?" "I wanna be Kevin's *****." How did you know i was the one that asked that question. My name is kevin anyway.lol 2
Super User A-Jay Posted September 10, 2014 Super User Posted September 10, 2014 This guy lives by his own rules. A-Jay 1
Super User Sam Posted September 15, 2014 Super User Posted September 15, 2014 A Delicate Corporate Matter All of the ten senior members of the Board of Directors of the company were called into the chairman's office one by one until only Bob, the junior member, was left sitting outside. Finally it was his turn to be summoned. He entered the office to find the chairman and the ten other directors seated around a table. He was invited to join them, which he did. As soon as he had sat down the chairman turned to Bob looking him squarely in the eye, and with a stern voice, asked, “Have you ever had sex with Mrs. Foyt, my secretary?” “Oh, no sir, positively not!” Bob replied. “Are you absolutely sure?” asked the chairman. “Honest, I’ve never been close enough to even touch her!” “You’d swear to that?” “Yes, I swear I’ve never had sex with Mrs. Foyt anytime, anywhere.” “Good, then you fire her !!!” 2
Super User RoLo Posted September 18, 2014 Super User Posted September 18, 2014 My wife and I attended her high school reunion. I noticed her staring at some drunken guy at a nearby table.I asked my wife: "Do you know that guy?" She replied, "Yes, he's my old boyfriend. After we broke up, he began to drink heavily and I'm told that he hasn't been sober since". "My goodness!" I said,"Who would think that anyone could celebrate that long?"---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I had just retired and was applying for Social Security. To verify my age, the woman at the deskasked for my driver's License. I couldn't believe it, but I actually left my wallet at home that day.The clerk said, 'Just unbutton your shirt'. When she seen all the silver hairs on my chest she said,"That's proof enough" and I was accepted. At home, I told my wife about my fortunate experience. She said to me: "You should've dropped your pants, then you might've gotten disability too!"-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- My wife was standing nude in front of our bedroom mirror. She said to me, "I look old, fat & ugly,I desperately need to hear a compliment." I replied: "Your eyesight is EXCELLENT!"My doctor said that I will walk again, but not without a limp.---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- On my way to work this morning, I rear-ended a car. As it happened, the driver of the other car was a Dwarf.The little fellow came up to me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'. I said to him: "Okay, so which one are you?"--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Our marriage anniversary was rapidly approaching and my wife would drop hints about the gift she wanted."BOY" she said, "It must be fantastic to own something that goes from 0 to 200 in less than 10 seconds!".So I bought her a bathroom scale. Roger 7
Super User A-Jay Posted September 19, 2014 Super User Posted September 19, 2014 An already Inebriated man goes into a bar, walks up to the bartender and orders an Irish Car Bomb. The bartender looks down at the man's pants and sees that there is a steering wheel assembly sticking out of his zipper. The bartender says to the man "Hey Bud, there's a steering wheel hanging out of your pants." To which the stiff replies "I know, and it's driving me Nuts." Thanks - I'll be here all week - try the veal . . . . . . . . . . . A-Jay 1
Super User Sam Posted September 19, 2014 Super User Posted September 19, 2014 THE AUDIT Myron Greenberg, a wealthy L.A. businessman received a letter of Audit from the IRS. It really upsets him and he called his accountant, Saul Meyers. Myron (pleading): "Saul, what are they doing to me? Why are they doing this to me?” Saul (calming): "Myron, don't worry about it. I’ve got all the receipts, the account is up to date, it's no problem. But let me give you a bit of advice. When you go to the Audit, make a bad impression. Wear the crummiest, dirtiest clothes you’ve got. Have holes in your shoes, ripped pants and look shabby. I mean really look terrible, because if they have a little sympathy, they’ll go easy on you." Then Myron called his Lawyer, Charlie Steinberg. His Lawyer said: "Myron, it's no problem, I'm sure they got the receipts, I’m sure everything is up to date, you've got a great accountant, don’t worry about it. Let me give you a tip. When you go to the Audit, it’s very important that you make a good impression. Wear your best suit, and your shirt with a silk tie and cuff links and shine your shoes, look like somebody. Because if you look like a somebody they respect you and will go easy on you." And now he's torn. And that night he bumped into his Rabbi at the Deli. And he told the Rabbi the story. Rabbi: "Myron, it reminds me of sometimes when I perform a wedding. The bride's father will tell his daughter that on her wedding night to wear a nightgown with a high collar and long sleeves and full length robe…cover up, you know, be a little demure. And the mother says, ‘Don't be silly. Wear a low cut "negligee" with the cleavage sticking out — look a little sexy'... and, Myron, I will say to you just like I say to the bride on her wedding night, it makes no difference what you wear, you’re gonna’ get screwed". 5
Super User Sam Posted September 20, 2014 Super User Posted September 20, 2014 We need to go to a Falcons game! What was this lady doing at the game??? http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/09/19/woman-boyfriend-falcons-game_n_5849790.html?ncid=txtlnkusaolp00000592
Super User slonezp Posted September 20, 2014 Super User Posted September 20, 2014 We need to go to a Falcons game! What was this lady doing at the game??? http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/09/19/woman-boyfriend-falcons-game_n_5849790.html?ncid=txtlnkusaolp00000592 Sure beats that guy who fell asleep at a baseball game a few months ago and got ridiculed on tv.
Traveler2586 Posted September 20, 2014 Author Posted September 20, 2014 We need to go to a Falcons game! What was this lady doing at the game??? http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/09/19/woman-boyfriend-falcons-game_n_5849790.html?ncid=txtlnkusaolp00000592 The woman in the lower right of the vid looks very interested in what she's doing.
Super User RoLo Posted September 20, 2014 Super User Posted September 20, 2014 The woman in the lower right of the vid looks very interested in what she's doing. You will notice that the girl in the lower right was already facing the action, before there was any action <??> She's obviously the girl who orchestrated that age-old but effective maneuver. 1
Super User Sam Posted September 21, 2014 Super User Posted September 21, 2014 The lady in the lower right seems to be watching the other girl grab the guy's goodies and is somewhat shocked at it. She is starting to say "O my God" or something like that to the lady next to her. What is funny is the guy never flinches. 1
Super User Sam Posted September 23, 2014 Super User Posted September 23, 2014 Business Man: What is your name? Hostess: Angela Benz, Sir! Business Man: Lovely name, any relation to Mercedes Benz? Hostess: Yes Sir, very close. Business Man: How close? Hostess: Same price! 2
Super User Sam Posted September 24, 2014 Super User Posted September 24, 2014 THE NUN AND GOLF A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration. ‘What troubles you, Sister?' asked the Mother Superior. 'I thought this was the day you spent with your family.' 'It was,’ sighed the Sister. 'And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.' 'I seem to recall that,' the Mother Superior agreed. 'So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?' 'Far from it,' snorted the Sister. 'In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!' 'Goodness, Sister!' gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. 'You must tell me all about it!' 'Well, we were on the fifth tee...and this hole is a monster, Mother Superior - 540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dog leg left and a hidden green....and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made. And its flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted...and it hits a bird in mid-flight!' 'Oh my!' commiserated the Mother. 'How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!' 'No, that wasn’t it,' admitted Sister. 'While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!' 'Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!' sympathized the Mother. 'But I didn’t, Mother!' sobbed the Sister. 'And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!' 'So that’s when you cursed,' said the Mother with a knowing smile. 'Nope, that wasn't it either,' cried the Sister, anguished, 'because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!' Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said...... 'You missed the @#&*%in put, didn't you? 2
Super User Dwight Hottle Posted September 25, 2014 Super User Posted September 25, 2014 For many who travel, often the best food is a truck stop. I wonder what the waitress would have to say if someone actually ordered their breakfast as this guy did? : TRUCKER'S BREAKFAST - It's coffee (honest!) A trucker came into a Truck Stop Cafe and placed his order. He said “I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards.” The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, 'This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards. What does he think this place is, an auto parts store?' 'No,' the cook said. 'Three flat tires means three pancakes; a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up; and a pair of running boards is 2 slices of crisp bacon!’ 'Oh... OK!' said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment, and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer. The trucker asked, 'What are the beans for, Blondie?' She replied, 'Well, I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up! (FOR ONCE, THE BLONDE GETS EVEN!!!!!) 2
Super User slonezp Posted September 26, 2014 Super User Posted September 26, 2014 Husband goes with his wife to her high school reunion.After meeting several of her friends and former school mates, they aresitting at a table where he is yawning and overly bored....The band cranks up and people are beginning to dance. There's a guy on the dance floor living it up, break dancing, moon walking, back flips, buying drinks for people, the works.Wife turns to her husband and says, "See that guy? 25 years ago heproposed to me and I turned him down."Husband says, "Looks like he's still celebrating!!!" 4
Super User Ratherbfishing Posted September 26, 2014 Super User Posted September 26, 2014 It seems I can't eat toasted bread if it's over-done. Wait for it.... The doctor said I was black toast intolerant. 3
Super User deaknh03 Posted September 26, 2014 Super User Posted September 26, 2014 It seems I can't eat toasted bread if it's over-done. Wait for it.... The doctor said I was black toast intolerant. you just made that up..
Super User Ratherbfishing Posted September 26, 2014 Super User Posted September 26, 2014 you just made that up.. The doctor also said "You need to go see your ear doctor." I really don't why he wants me to see a proctologist.
Super User Dwight Hottle Posted September 27, 2014 Super User Posted September 27, 2014 YOU HAVE TO LOVE A GOOD NURSE A policeman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix.. The doctors operated and advised him that all was well, however, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in his crotch. Worried that it might be a second surgery and the doctors hadn't told him about it, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown up enoughso he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable. Taped firmly across his pubic hair and private parts were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily --- if at all. Written on the tape in large black letters was the sentence, "Get well soon, from the nurse in the Ford Explorer you pulled over last week." Kind of brings tears to your eyes doesn't it? 5
Traveler2586 Posted September 28, 2014 Author Posted September 28, 2014 Two little boys are going to the hospital the next day for operations. Theirs will be first on the schedule. The older boy leans over and asks, "What are you having done?" The second boy says, "I'm getting my tonsils out and I'm afraid." The first boy says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up, they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze." The second boy then asks, "What are you going in for?" The first boy says, "Circumcision." "Whoa!" the second boy replies. "Good luck, buddy. I had that done when I was born. Couldn't walk for a year." 6
Super User Dwight Hottle Posted September 29, 2014 Super User Posted September 29, 2014 Two 70 something-year-old men had been friends all of their lives. When it was clear that Frank was dying, Leonard visited him every day. One day Leonard said, "Frank, we both loved playing golf all our lives, and we started playing soon after high school. Please do me one favor: when you get to heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's golf there." Frank looked up at Leonard from his deathbed and said, "Leonard, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favor for you." Shortly after that, Frank died. A few weeks later, Leonard was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, "Leonard!""Who is it?" asked Leonard, sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?" "Leonard -- it's me, Frank." "You're not Frank. Frank just died." "I'm telling you, it's me, Frank," insisted the voice. "Frank! Where are you?" "In heaven," replied Frank. "I have some really good news and a little bad news." "Tell me the good news first," said Leonard "The good news," Frank said with joy and enthusiasm, "is that there is golf in heaven. Better yet, all of our old buddies who died before me are here too. Even better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always Summertime and it never rains. And best of all, we can play golf all we want, and we never get tired. And we get to play with all the Greats of the past." "That's fantastic," said Leonard. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?" "You're in my foursome this Saturday." Life is uncertain - Eat dessert first !!! 4
Super User Dwight Hottle Posted September 30, 2014 Super User Posted September 30, 2014 There are 3 spies that get captured. One is French, one is English and the other is Italian and named Luigi. Their captors come into the cell and grab the French spy and tie his hands behind a chair in the next room. They torture him for 2 hours before he answers all questions and gives up all of his secrets. The captors throw the French spy back into the cell and grab the English spy. They tie his hands behind the chair as well and torture him for 4 hours before he tells them what they want to know. They throw him back into the cell and grab the Italian spy Luigi. They tie his hands behind the chair and begin torturing. 4 hours go by, and the Luigi isn't talking. Then 8 hours, then 16 and after 24 hours they give up and throw him back into the cell. The English and French spies are impressed, and ask him why he didn’t talk. The Italian spy Luigi says, "I wanted to, but I couldn't move my hands!"
Kevin Beachy Posted September 30, 2014 Posted September 30, 2014 There are 3 spies that get captured. One is French, one is English and the other is Italian and named Luigi. Their captors come into the cell and grab the French spy and tie his hands behind a chair in the next room. They torture him for 2 hours before he answers all questions and gives up all of his secrets. The captors throw the French spy back into the cell and grab the English spy. They tie his hands behind the chair as well and torture him for 4 hours before he tells them what they want to know. They throw him back into the cell and grab the Italian spy Luigi. They tie his hands behind the chair and begin torturing. 4 hours go by, and the Luigi isn't talking. Then 8 hours, then 16 and after 24 hours they give up and throw him back into the cell. The English and French spies are impressed, and ask him why he didn’t talk. The Italian spy Luigi says, "I wanted to, but I couldn't move my hands!" poor guy.......
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