Traveler2586 Posted July 23, 2014 Author Posted July 23, 2014 "Pour me a cold one" said the teenager walking into the bar. Looking him over, the barmaid said, "Scat, kid, you want to get me in trouble?" "Maybe later," he replied. "Right now all I want is a beer." 1
Super User RoLo Posted July 24, 2014 Super User Posted July 24, 2014 . . NOT HARD TO SPOT A MILLIONAIRE Roger 5
Traveler2586 Posted July 24, 2014 Author Posted July 24, 2014 Have you heard about the brewery employee's widow who wasn't able to collect her husband's insurance after he drowned in a vat. Eyewitnesses swore he got out four times to pee.
Super User RoLo Posted July 28, 2014 Super User Posted July 28, 2014 We Will Always Be Friends....You Know Too Much! When We Get Old & Senile....We Will Be New Friends Roger 2
Super User RoLo Posted July 30, 2014 Super User Posted July 30, 2014 Bursting with pride, a young man just got his driver’s license. He decided to visit his favorite grandmother and phoned her for the directions to her apartment. After giving her grandson directions, his grandmother said “I'm apartment '26' in the Stokes Plaza. When you reach the plaza entry, just push “26” with your elbow and I will buzz you in. She continued: "Then board the elevator on your right, and push “Floor 2” with your elbow." Her grandson replied, “That’s sounds easy enough grandma, but why should I use my elbow?" His grandma snapped back: “So what are you trying to say...You’re coming empty-handed?? Roger
Kevin Beachy Posted July 30, 2014 Posted July 30, 2014 Bursting with pride, a young man just got his driver’s license. He decided to visit his favorite grandmother and phoned her for the directions to her apartment. After giving her grandson directions, his grandmother said “I'm apartment '26' in the Stokes Plaza. When you reach the plaza entry, just push “26” with your elbow and I will buzz you in. She continued: "Then board the elevator on your right, and push “Floor 2” with your elbow." Her grandson replied, “That’s sounds easy enough grandma, but why should I use my elbow?" His grandma snapped back: “So what are you trying to say...You’re coming empty-handed?? Roger Now thats a good one! 1
Traveler2586 Posted July 31, 2014 Author Posted July 31, 2014 Having gone to his secretary's apartment, Mr. Biggs was astonished to wake up and find it was 3:00 AM. "OMG", he exploded, "my wife is going to kill me!" Quickly calling home, he was struck with a sudden inspiration. When his wife answered, he panted into the phone, "Darling, don't pay the ransom; I've escaped!!" 2
Super User RoLo Posted August 1, 2014 Super User Posted August 1, 2014 Clovis lived in a small mountain town, and one afternoon while checking his mailbox, Clovis observed a very peculiar sight. A mountain man was pushing a pine casket that was straddled across a wheel-barrel. There were about a dozen men walking single-file behind the mountain man, and a pit-bull terrier was strolling right alongside the wheel-barrel. Curiosity got the best of Clovis, and he approached the mountain man and asked: “What’s going on?” The mountain man replied: “I’m going to bury my mother-in-law, she’s inside the box”. Clovis asked solemnly, “I don’t mean to impose on your grief, but what took your mother-in-law?” The mountain man grinned and replied: “She was killed by my pit-bull terrier, this big fellow right here”. Sheepishly Clovis asked: “Tell me”, do you suppose I can borrow your dog for a couple days”? The mountain man replied: “Get In Line!” Roger 4
Smokinal Posted August 2, 2014 Posted August 2, 2014 WINDOWS: Please enter your new password. USER: cabbage WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters. USER: boiled cabbage WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain 1 numerical character. USER: 1 boiled cabbage WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot have blank spaces. USER: 50bloodyboiledcabbages WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain at least one upper case character. USER: 50BLOODYboiledcabbages WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively. USER: 50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourA#$IfYouDon'tGiveMeAccessNow! WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot contain punctuation. USER: ReallyPissedOff50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourA#$IfYouDontGiveMeAccessNow WINDOWS: Sorry, that password is already in use. 1
Kevin Beachy Posted August 2, 2014 Posted August 2, 2014 WINDOWS: Please enter your new password. USER: cabbage WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters. USER: boiled cabbage WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain 1 numerical character. USER: 1 boiled cabbage WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot have blank spaces. USER: 50bloodyboiledcabbages WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain at least one upper case character. USER: 50BLOODYboiledcabbages WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively. USER: 50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourA#$IfYouDon'tGiveMeAccessNow! WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot contain punctuation. USER: ReallyPissedOff50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourA#$IfYouDontGiveMeAccessNow WINDOWS: Sorry, that password is already in use. 3
Super User Dwight Hottle Posted August 5, 2014 Super User Posted August 5, 2014 Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble..In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, 'When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.'The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it.The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less.After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news..She walks into the telegraph office, and says, 'I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch.I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.'The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, it will cost 99 cents a word.Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, 'I want you to send her the word 'comfortable.'The operator shakes his head. 'How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word 'comfortable?'The brunette explains, 'My sister's blonde. The word is big.She'll read it very slowly... 'com-for-da-bul.' 7
Yeti Posted August 6, 2014 Posted August 6, 2014 So a blind man walks into a bar. The blind man sits down, thinking he'd break the ice with the bartender by asking "Wanna hear a blond joke?" In a hushed voice, a man beside him says "Before you tell that joke, you should know our bartender IS blonde, or bouncer is blond, I'm a 6'4" black belt, the man sitting on the other side of me is 6'2, 250lbs, and a rugby player. The guy sitting next to you is pushing 300, 6'6, and he's a wrestler. We're ALL blond. So you think about it mister, do you really wanna tell that joke?" The blind man sat for a second, thinking over the odds and then replied "No, not if I have to explain it five times." 7
Yeti Posted August 6, 2014 Posted August 6, 2014 There are 3 Spies that get captured. One spy is French, one is German and the other is Italian. Their captors come into the cell and grab the French spy and tie his hands behind a chair in the next room. They torture him for 2 hours before he answers all questions and gives up all of his secrets. The captors throw the French spy back into the cell and grab the German spy. They tie his hands behind the chair as well and torture him for 4 hours before he tells them what they want to know. They throw him back into the cell and grab the Italian spy. They tie his hands behind the chair and begin torturing. 4 hours go by and the spy isn't talking. Then 8 hours, then 16 and after 24 hours they give up and throw him back into the cell. The German and French spy are impressed and ask him how he managed to not talk. The Italian spy responds, " I wanted to!, but I couldn't move my hands!".
Yeti Posted August 6, 2014 Posted August 6, 2014 The maid asked for a raise, and the wife was upset. She asked, "Now, Helen, why do you think you deserve a pay increase?" Helen: "There are three reasons. The first is that I iron better than you." Wife: "Who said that?" Helen: "Your husband." Wife: "Oh." Helen: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you." Wife: "Who said that?" Helen: "Your husband." Wife: "Oh." Helen: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you." Wife: "Did my husband say that as well?" Helen: "No, the gardener did." Wife: "So, how much do you want?" 6
Yeti Posted August 6, 2014 Posted August 6, 2014 Bubba went to Alabama on a football scholarship. He was a good running back, but a poor student. At graduation day, Bubba didn't have enough credits. But he was a great football star and the students held a rally and demanded the dean give him a diploma anyway. They were so insistent that the dean agreed if Bubba could answer one question correctly he would give him a diploma. The one question test was held in the auditorium and the students packed the place. It was standing room only. The dean was on the stage and told Bubba to come up. The dean had the diploma in his hand and said, "Bubba, if you can answer this question correctly I'll give you your diploma." Bubba said he was ready and the dean asked him the question. "Bubba," he said, "How much is three times seven?" Bubba looked up at the ceiling and then down at his shoes, just pondering the question. The students began chanting, "Graduate him anyway! Graduate him anyway!" Then Bubba held up his hand and the auditorium became silent. Bubba said, "I think I know the answer. Three times seven is twenty-one." A hush fell over the auditorium...and then the Alabama students began another chant. "Give him another chance! Give him another chance!" Just a few good ones. 3
Super User Ratherbfishing Posted August 6, 2014 Super User Posted August 6, 2014 Three women, a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead, have just broken out of prison. They are being hotly pursued by a posse and they hide in a barn and, in desperation, inside three large burlap sacks where they crouch quietly. The possee comes in and one of the guards notices one of the sacks has moved. He kicks it and the brunette inside, thinking quickly, begins bleating like a goat. The guard thinks to himself, Jjust a goat ready for market". Seeing another sack move, he kicks it. Inside, the redhead begans squealing like a pig. The guard thinks to himself, "just a pig going to market." He spies the last sack and kicks it. The blonde inside doesn't quite know what to do and remains silent. The guard kicks it again, and again. At last, the blonde cries out "Potatoes!" 2
Super User Dwight Hottle Posted August 6, 2014 Super User Posted August 6, 2014 After a long day on the golf course, I stopped in at ‘Hooter's’ to see some friends and have some hot Wings and drinks. After being there for a while, one of my friends asked me which waitress I would like to be stuck in an elevator with. I told them "The one who knows how to fix elevators." I'm old, tired, and pee a lot. 7
Super User roadwarrior Posted August 6, 2014 Super User Posted August 6, 2014 That could be original! 2
Yeti Posted August 7, 2014 Posted August 7, 2014 A man walks in to confession and sits down to confess his sins. "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned," he says "Go on" says the priest. "I swore the other day" says the man. "Continue" says the priest. "I was on the golf course the other day and I hit my drive, it was looking perfect, heading dead straight. About 200 yards down my ball hit a power line crossing the fairway". "And this is when you swore?" asked the priest. "No father, my ball then ricocheted off the power lines and flew off into the deep rough" continued the man. "This must have been when you swore?" the priest exclaimed. "No father, not yet. As i was walking over to the rough to hit my second shot a hawk flew down from the trees, picked my ball up in his beak and proceeded to fly off with it" continued the man. "Ah. I see" says the priest "this must have been the point where you swore" "Nope not yet, as the bird flew over the green the ball fell from its mouth and landed two feet from the hole..." The priest pauses for a few seconds "You missed the d**n putt, didn't you?" 1
Yeti Posted August 7, 2014 Posted August 7, 2014 An Engineer dies and goes to hell. He looks around and sees that hell is in a state of disrepair and convinces Satan that he can make some improvements. Within two weeks he has air conditioning, elevators, and indoor plumbing throughout hell and the damned are starting to enjoy themselves. God sees this and goes down to find out what happened. He gets the story from Satan and tells Satan that the engineer was obviously meant to go to heaven. Satan refuses to give up the engineer, saying "I like the way things are going." God says "You will give him back or I'll sue the pants off you." Satan asks "Where are you going to get a lawyer?" 5
Yeti Posted August 7, 2014 Posted August 7, 2014 A man wakes up one morning to find a gorilla on his roof. So he looks up the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Gorilla Removers". He calls the number, and the gorilla remover says he"ll be there in 30 minutes. The gorilla remover arrives and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a huge, ferocious looking dog. "What are you going to do?", the homeowner asks. "I'm going to put up this ladder against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the gorilla off the roof with the bat. When the gorilla falls off, the dog is trained to grab the gorilla's testicles and squeeze. The gorilla will be subdued enough for me to lock him in the cage in the back of the van.", says the gorilla remover and hands him the shotgun. "What's the shotgun for?", asks the homeowner. "If the gorilla knocks ME off the roof, shoot the dog." 3
Yeti Posted August 7, 2014 Posted August 7, 2014 A cop is out on patrol, and sees a car parked in the local lover's lane, with the windows all steamed up. He knocks on the drivers window, and the guy inside rolls it down. The cop sees that there is a guy sitting in the front seat, fully clothed, and a girl in the back seat, also fully clothed. "What are you up to here, son?" "Well, officer, I'm reading a magazine, as you can see." "And what's she doing back there?" "I think she's playing a game on her phone." "Have you been drinking tonight?" "No, sir. I'm only twenty." "And how old is she?" The guy looks at his watch and says, "Sir, in eleven minutes she'll be eighteen." 7
Recommended Posts