Jokes - Let's Have Some Fun

[Smokinal]

For my 400th post::

 

I was talking to a girl in the bar last night. She said,

"If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your

hair cut, you'd look all right."

I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over

there instead of you."

 

***********

 

Edited by Moderator

[Brian Needham]

ah yes, the lost art of pick up. LMAO

[Smokinal]

I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing

on a table. I said, "Nice legs."

The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think so."

I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed

by now."

[Dwight Hottle]

Story of the Outhouse


There was a little boy who lived in the country.

The family still used an outhouse and the little boy hated it because it was so hot in
the summer, freezing cold in the winter and smelled all the time.

The outhouse was sitting on the bank of a creek and the boy was determined that
one day he would push that old outhouse straight into the creek.

So, one day after a spring rain, the creek was swollen and the little boy decided today
was the day to push the outhouse into the creek.
He found a large pole and started pushing.
Finally, after much effort, the outhouse toppled into the creek and floated away.

That night his dad told him they were going to the woodshed after supper.

The boy knew that meant a spanking ... so he asked why.

The dad replied, "Someone pushed the outhouse into the creek today.
It was you, wasn't it son?"

The boy answered yes. Then he thought a moment and said, "Dad, I read in school
today that George Washington chopped down a cherry tree and didn't get into trouble
because he told the truth ..."

The dad replied, "Well, son, George Washington's father probably wasn't in the
cherry tree!"
  
 
 

[Sam]

My girlfriend is a big tennis fan. She recently told me that she finds all the noise and moaning during women's tennis matches very distracting. I promised her I would try and stop.

[Traveler2586]

George Phillips , an elderly man from Walled Lake, Michigan, was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.

 

George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

 

He phoned the police, who asked “is someone in your house?"

 

He said "No," but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me.

 

Then the police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy, you should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available"

 

George  said, "Okay."

 

He hung up the phone and counted to 30.

 

Then he phoned the police again.

 

"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed.  Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot and killed them both; the dogs are eating them right now," and he hung up.

 

Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.

 

One of the  Policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you'd shot  them!"

 

George  said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

 

 (True  Story)

 

Don't mess with old people

[RoLo]

I'm not real big on alcoholic beverages, in fact the only time I even think about drinking is when there's something to celebrate.

Then again, I might have a drink when I'm depressed, but I don't get depressed that much, only when there's nothing to celebrate.
=================================================================================================

Yes officer, I did see the 'Stop' sign, it was YOU I didn't see.

 

 

Roger

[johnson27]

Haha this is too funny!

[Dwight Hottle]

Seth was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.
 

 

When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed to find a wife with whom to share his fortune.
 

 

One evening, at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.
 

 

"I may look like just an ordinary guy," he said to her, "but in just a few years, my father will die and I will inherit $200 million."
 

 

Impressed, the woman asked for his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.
 

 

Women are so much better at financial planning than men.

 

 

 

 

 

[Sam]

Working people frequently ask retired people what  they do to make their days interesting. Well, for example, the other day,  wife  and I went into town and visited a shop. 

 

When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. We went up to him and I said, 'Come on, man, how about giving  a senior citizen a break?' He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him an a--hole. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn-out tires.

 

So my wife called him a sh--  head. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the  irst. Then he started writing more tickets. This went on for about 20  minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote. 

 

Just then our bus arrived and we got on it and went  home. We always look for cars with "OBAMA 2012" stickers. We try to have a  little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age.

[Traveler2586]

I live in a Split-level home.

 

It wasn't always a split-level, but the foundation settled.

 

Now it's the only home in the area where you have to go up stairs to get into the basement. 

[RoLo]

Really Not 'Humor', But Rather Intriguing

 

1t's hrard to belveie thaht yuo kan aktcully raead annd udnrstnad tihis rububbish.

1t claer1y demnstaitss the phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnind.

Thhe huamn mnid deoz'tt raed ervey Ltter, bvt decphifers eaech worod az a wlohe.

To Tihink thaat I alwlyas thgtht slpelling was ipmorantt.      Azmazng 1zns't 1t?

 

Roger

[RoLo]

No words can describe my day, but there are many hand gestures that can

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I must be emotionally constipated, because I haven't given a crap all week.

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A successful marriage is like a "workshop", where the husband Works & the wife Shops

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Life is short, 'Smile' while you still have teeth.

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Occasionally I'll drink of glass of water, just to surprise my liver   

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Roger

[Nuffsaid23]

A small town doctor was a big time fisherman. One day, while on one of his frequent fishing trips, he got a call that a woman at a nearby farm was giving birth. He rushed to her aid and delivered a healthy baby boy. The farmer had nothing to weigh the baby with so the doctor used his fishing scales. The baby weighed 22 pounds 10 ounces.

[Nuffsaid23]

Fisherman: "father, is it a sin to fish on Sunday?"

Priest: "from what I understand about the few fish you catch, it's a sin any day you fish."

De-fin-itions

Live bait: the biggest fish you got to handle all day.

Thumb: a temporary hook holder

Fisherman: a jerk at one end of the line waiting for a jerk at the other

Sinker: a weight hopefully big enough to knock out any fish on the way to the bottom so that it floats to the surface.

Rookie angler: the one who catches the most and biggest fish.

Truth: when one fisherman calls another fisherman a liar.

[Traveler2586]

An elderly man went to his doctor and said, 'Doc, I think I'm getting senile. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.'

 

'That's not senility,' replied the doctor. 'Senility is when you forget to zip down.'

[A-Jay]

You Can't Handle the Truth ( Modified)

 

Son we live in a world that has Bass, and those Bass must be fished for. Who's gonna do it? You, LT Panfish ? I have a greater responsibility than you can possibly fathom. You weep for the death of the zebra mussel, and you curse the Bassmaster. You have that luxury. You have the luxury of not knowing what I know -- that being covered in Megastrike, though tragic, catches bass; and my existence, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you Trout Bums, catches bass.
 

You don't want the truth because deep down in places you don't talk about at the Fly Shop, you want me in that Ranger -- you need me in that Ranger ! 

 

We use words like Points, Cuts and Flats - We use these words as a backbone of a life spent Catching Bass. You use them as a punch line. I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to a man who hides behind the boat ramp and ridicules me for flipping the slop.  I would rather that you just said "Thank You" and went on your way. Otherwise, I suggest you spool up some braid, load up a long rod and put a frog in the pads. Either way, I don't give a d**n what you think you're entitled to !

 

Did you order the Red Eye Shad ?
Did you order the Red Eye Shad ?
You bet you're Arse I did !
I was doing my job and I'd do it again !
I'm going back to my Ranger !

All in fun of course

A-Jay

 

[Dwight Hottle]

A Farm Kid Joins the Marines

 

Dear Ma and Pa,

 

I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine
Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick
before all of the places are filled.

 

I was restless at first because you get to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m.
But I am getting so I like to sleep late.. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do
before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to
slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically
nothing.

 

Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water. Breakfast is
strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of
weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular
food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that
live on coffee. Their food, plus yours, holds you until noon when you get
fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.

 

We go on "route marches," which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to
harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different. A
"route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys
get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.

 

The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The Captain is like
the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown.
They don't bother you none.

 

This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for
shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk
head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at
home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't
even load your own cartridges They come in boxes.

 

Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to
wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break
real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about
the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver
Lake . I only beat him once... He joined up the same time as me, but I'm
only 5'6" and 130 pounds and he's 6'8" and near 300 pounds dry.

 

Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get
onto this setup and come stampeding in..

 

 

 

Your loving daughter,

 

Alice

[A-Jay]

^^^^^^^^^^^^

 

LOL ~  Really Good.

 

A-Jay

[Dwight Hottle]

^^^^^^^^^^^^

 

LOL ~  Really Good.

 

A-Jay

 

 

Lynn should like that one.

[A-Jay]

Lynn should like that one.

 

She did ~  I'm thinking that it ended up on her facebook page somewhere . . .

 

A-Jay

[DogBone_384]

"there once was a man from Nantucket...."

[Dwight Hottle]

On the first day after his divorce, he sadly packed his belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.

On the second day, he had the movers come and collect his things.

On the third day, he sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining-room table, by candle-light; he put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, a bottle of spring-water, 3 cans of sardines.

When he'd finished, he went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimps dipped in caviar, and some sardines into the hollow center of the curtain rods.

He then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

On the fourth day, the wife came back with her new boyfriend, and at first all was bliss.

Then, slowly, the house began to smell.

They tried everythi! ng; cleaning, mopping, and airing-out the place. Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned.

Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which time the two had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked!...People stopped coming over to visit.

Repairmen refused to work in the house...The maid quit.

Finally, they couldn't take the stench any longer, and decided they had to move, but a month later - even though they'd cut their price in half - they couldn't find a buyer for such a stinky house.

Word got out, and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls.

Finally, unable to wait any longer for a purchaser, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

Then the ex-called the woman and asked how things were g! oing. She told him the saga of the rotting house. He listened politely and said that he missed his old home terribly and would be willing to reduce his divorce settlement in exchange for having the house.

Knowing he could have no idea how bad the smell really was, she agreed on a price that was only 1/10 nth of what the house had been worth ... but only if he would sign the papers that very day.

He agreed, and within two hours her lawyers delivered the completed paperwork.

A week later the woman and her boyfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home and to spite the ex-husband... they even took the curtain rods!

I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU?

 

 

=

 

[Sam]

http://www.godlikeproductions.com/forum1/message2594933/pg1

 

This is a riot.

 

 

[Jd_Phillips_Fishin]

http://www.godlikeproductions.com/forum1/message2594933/pg1

 

This is a riot.