Jd_Phillips_Fishin Posted May 12, 2014 Posted May 12, 2014 As an air plane was about to land near Athens, a lady asked the stewardess, "Whats the white stuff on those hills? "Just snow" "Thats what I thought, but the guy in front of me said it was Greece." 2
Traveler2586 Posted May 13, 2014 Author Posted May 13, 2014 A Martian walks into a cafe with a Raygun in one hand and a bucket of Puckaluck (green martian manure) in the other. He says to the waiter, "Me want coffee." The waiter says, "Sure, coming right up." He gets the Martian a tall mug of coffee, and the Martian drinks it down in one gulp, picks up the bucket of puckaluck, throws it into the air, blasts it with the Raygun, then just walks out. The next morning the Martian returns. He has his raygun in one hand and a bucket of puckaluck in the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter, "Me want coffee." The waiter says, "Whoa, buddy. We're still cleaning up your mess from the last time you were here. What the heck was all that about, anyway?" The Martian smiles and proudly says, "Me training for NASA upper management position: Come in, drink coffee, shoot $h1t, leave mess for others to clean up, disappear for rest of day." Wait for it…… yes…… yes……. No, that didn’t work for me either
BamaBassChaser Posted May 14, 2014 Posted May 14, 2014 Borrowed this one. Prostate Exam A old man goes to his doctor for his physical and is then sent to a Urologist as a precaution. When he gets there, he discovers the doctor is a very attractive young female Urologist.The female doctor says, "I'm going to check your prostate today, but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to. I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, and while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say 99."The old man obeys and says, "99!"The doctor says, "Great! Now turn over onto your left side and again, while I repeat the check, take a deep breath and say 99"Again, the old man says "99."The doctor says, "Very good. Now then... I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly. I'm going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand, I'm going to slowly massage your thingy. Now... take a deep breath and say, 99."The old man begins, "One ... Two .... Three .........." 1
Kevin Beachy Posted May 14, 2014 Posted May 14, 2014 Most people say 3 fish but fish dont drown and to the tree ine i guess that could be debated moses never had an ark it was moses and the reason the marime corps has nice dress unifroms is cuz tye navy likes to dress up there girls I thnk there funny another debated question is grass green in the dark")
Super User RoLo Posted May 16, 2014 Super User Posted May 16, 2014 A nasty auto accident took place, but in spite of the impact no one was injured and blame for the accident was highly disputable. Oddly enough, both cars were driven by men of the cloth, one was a Priest and the other was a Rabbi. Both gentlemen maintained total composure and professional respect for one another. Feeling terrible about the whole ordeal, the rabbi suggested that they share a little wine to break the tension. The priest accepted the rabbi's cordial offer, and the rabbi filled the priest's glass with Manischewitz wine. About 10 minutes later, the rabbi offered to top-off the priest's wine glass, again the priest accepted the rabbi's congeniality. The priest then said to the rabbi: "This is the best wine I've ever had the pleasure of drinking, but when are YOU going to drink some wine?. The rabbi replied: "Not before the troopers get here". Roger 4
Jd_Phillips_Fishin Posted May 16, 2014 Posted May 16, 2014 Making a Bet at the Bar Two guys were sitting in a bar and they were both watching the TV when the news came on. It showed a guy on a bridge about to jump, obviously suicidal. "I'll bet you 10$ he'll jump," said the 1st guy. The 2nd one said,"I bet 10$ he wont jump" Then the guy jumped off the bridge. The 2nd guy gave the 1st gut the money. "No, keep it I saw the same story on the 5 o'clock news." "No, you can keep it I saw it on the 5 o'clock news too. I just didnt think hed be dumb enough to jump again!" 1
Jd_Phillips_Fishin Posted May 16, 2014 Posted May 16, 2014 A man dies and goes to Heaven. When he got there he met God, said, "God can I ask you a few questions?" "Sure." "Whyd you make women so pretty?" "So youd like them" "OK, whyd you make them so beautiful?" "So youd love them" "Whyd you make them such air heads?" "So theyd love you" 2
Super User RoLo Posted May 18, 2014 Super User Posted May 18, 2014 Adding or changing a letter produces a new word with a new meaning: Caterpallor The facial color caused by finding half-a-worm in your apple Reintarnation When a city slicker reverts back to his hillbilly roots Dopeler Effect The tendency for dopey ideas to seem smarter when they come in rapid succession Decafalon The event of getting through an entire week without any coffee Bozone The impenetrable layer that surrounds stupidity and deflects bright ideas Cashtration The act of purchasing a house that renders the buyer financially impotent Roger 4
Super User Jigfishn10 Posted May 19, 2014 Super User Posted May 19, 2014 At breakfast, the husband says to his wife, “What would you do if I won the Lotto?” “I’d take half and leave you,” she says.“Great” he says. “Here $6. I won $12 yesterday! Stay in touch.” 6
Super User slonezp Posted May 20, 2014 Super User Posted May 20, 2014 Slonezp at age 11. Nope. I was thin until I quit smoking at 30. Plus I had long hippy hair. I think mullets are a southern thing
Traveler2586 Posted May 25, 2014 Author Posted May 25, 2014 Steve was going for his morning walk one day when he walked past Ole's house and saw a sign that said Boat For Sale. This confused Steve because he knew that Ole didn't own a boat, so he finally decided to go in and ask Ole about it. Hey Ole, said Steve, I noticed da sign in your yard dat says 'Boat For Sale,' but ya ain't ever been fisun and don't even have a boat. All ya have is your old John Deere tractor and combine. Ole Calmly replied Yup, and they're boat for sale. 1
Brian Needham Posted May 28, 2014 Posted May 28, 2014 Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter. The pharmacist at the counter asked the older boy, 'Son, how old are you?' 'Eight', the boy replied. The man continued, 'Do you know what these are used for?' The boy replied, 'Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four." "Oh, really?" the pharmacist replied with a grin. "Yes." the boy said. "We saw on TV that if you use these, you would be able to swim, play tennis and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do none of those." 1
Super User slonezp Posted May 28, 2014 Super User Posted May 28, 2014 Always love a woman for her personality. They have like ten different ones, so you can choose. 1
Traveler2586 Posted May 28, 2014 Author Posted May 28, 2014 Always love a woman for her personality. They have like ten different ones, so you can choose. Just don't name each of them, and call out a name in the dark.
Traveler2586 Posted May 28, 2014 Author Posted May 28, 2014 I put this on Facebook, but thought I'd share it here too. What's it say about your life when "The best part of waking up is having Folger's in you cup"? Do TV ad's have jingles any more? I can't think of one from the years 2000 - 2014.
Super User Choporoz Posted May 28, 2014 Super User Posted May 28, 2014 I put this on Facebook, but thought I'd share it here too. What's it say about your life when "The best part of waking up is having Folger's in you cup"? Do TV ad's have jingles any more? I can't think of one from the years 2000 - 2014. What about "See a doctor if you have an erection lasting longer than four hours" ? oh...wait....nevermind I know what you mean....like "You can trust your car to the man that wears the Star......" or...."Have it your way".....and who can forget "Go see Cal, go see Cal, go see Cal"
Super User slonezp Posted May 28, 2014 Super User Posted May 28, 2014 Plop plop fizz fizz. I mentioned "Time to make the donuts" to my 25yo step daughter recently and she had no idea what I was talking about. 2
Traveler2586 Posted May 29, 2014 Author Posted May 29, 2014 A priest was walking along the cliffs at Dover when he came upon two locals pulling another man ashore on the end of a rope. That's what I like to see, said the priest, a man helping his fellow man. As he was walking away, one local remarked to the other, well, he sure doesn't know the first thing about shark fishing.
Super User slonezp Posted May 29, 2014 Super User Posted May 29, 2014 A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale 'He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there. 'You talk?' he asks. 'Yep,' the Lab replies. After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?' The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so... I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.' 'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running... But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.' 'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.' The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. 'Ten dollars,' the guy says.'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?' 'Because he's a ***ter. He's never been out of the yard' 2
Super User Redlinerobert Posted May 29, 2014 Super User Posted May 29, 2014 Slonezp at age 11. And you know this, because.....?
Traveler2586 Posted May 29, 2014 Author Posted May 29, 2014 10 FUN FACTS 1. You can’t wash your eyes with soap. 2. You can’t count your hair. 3. You can’t breathe through your nose, with your tong out. 4. You just tried no. 3 6. When you did no. 3 you realized it’s possible, only you look like a dog. 7. Your smiling right now, because you were fooled. 8. You skipped no. 5 9. You just checked to see if there is a no. 5 10. You can’t believe you read this thing. 4
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