Jokes - Let's Have Some Fun

[Raider Nation Fisher]

I like 5,11,15,and 18 the best.

[Raider Nation Fisher]

2 atoms are sitting in a bar. One says to the other, "I think I lost an electron." The other says "are you sure?" The first says, "I'm positive"

[deaknh03]

2 atoms are sitting in a bar. One says to the other, "I think I lost an electron." The other says "are you sure?" The first says, "I'm positive"

Do you even get that?

[Sam]

Yep. We get it. Old one.

 

Here is the one I posted in the gun hunting section.

 

GUN COLLECTING

You may have heard on the news about a Southern California man who was put under 72-hour psychiatric observation when it was found he owned 100 guns and allegedly had (by rough estimate) 100,000 rounds of ammunition stored in his home. The house also featured a secret escape tunnel. By Southern California standards, someone owning 100,000 rounds would be called "mentally unstable."

 

Just imagine if he lived elsewhere:

In Michigan, he’d be called “The last white guy still living in Detroit.”

In Arizona, he'd be called "an avid gun collector."

In Arkansas, he'd be called "a novice gun collector."

In Utah, he'd be called "moderately well prepared," but they'd probably reserve judgment until they made sure that he had a corresponding quantity of stored food.”

In Kansas, he'd be "A guy down the road you would want to have for a friend."

In Montana, he'd be called "The neighborhood 'Go-To' guy.”

In Alabama, he'd be called "a likely gubernatorial candidate."

In Georgia, he'd be called "an eligible bachelor."

In North Carolina, Virginia, Louisiana, Mississippi, Tennessee, Kentucky and South Carolina he would be called "a deer hunting buddy."

 

And in Texas he's just "Bubba” who's a little short on ammo."

[Raider Nation Fisher]

Do you even get that?

I'm an electrician. Of course I get that. We are like physicists. Without all the schooling.

[Raider Nation Fisher]

Yep. We get it. Old one.

 

Here is the one I posted in the gun hunting section.

 

GUN COLLECTING

You may have heard on the news about a Southern California man who was put under 72-hour psychiatric observation when it was found he owned 100 guns and allegedly had (by rough estimate) 100,000 rounds of ammunition stored in his home. The house also featured a secret escape tunnel. By Southern California standards, someone owning 100,000 rounds would be called "mentally unstable."

 

Just imagine if he lived elsewhere:

In Michigan, he’d be called “The last white guy still living in Detroit.”

In Arizona, he'd be called "an avid gun collector."

In Arkansas, he'd be called "a novice gun collector."

In Utah, he'd be called "moderately well prepared," but they'd probably reserve judgment until they made sure that he had a corresponding quantity of stored food.”

In Kansas, he'd be "A guy down the road you would want to have for a friend."

In Montana, he'd be called "The neighborhood 'Go-To' guy.”

In Alabama, he'd be called "a likely gubernatorial candidate."

In Georgia, he'd be called "an eligible bachelor."

In North Carolina, Virginia, Louisiana, Mississippi, Tennessee, Kentucky and South Carolina he would be called "a deer hunting buddy."

 

And in Texas he's just "Bubba” who's a little short on ammo."

It wouldn't be as funny if it wasn't true.

[HeavyDluxe]

2 guys were walking down the street when they came upon a dog licking himself in the family jewels. Guy # 1 says to guy # 2. I wish I could do that!!! Guy # 2 says back to # 1. Don't you think you should get to know him first!!!

 

I always heard that joke like this growing up:

Guy 1: I wish I could do that.

Guy 2: That dog'd bite you!!

[Sam]

Two priests were playing golf on a Sunday afternoon when the first one missed a three-foot putt and exclaimed, "Dam it. I can't believe I missed that sucker."

 

The second priest said to the first, "don't talk that way or God will strike you down for cussing on Sunday."

 

On the next hole, the first priest missed a two-foot putt and once again said, "Dam it. I can't believe I missed that sucker."

 

Just then the clouds opened up and a bolt of lightning came from the sky and hit and killed the second priest who was just standing there.

 

Out of the sky boomed a loud voice that said, "Dam it. I can't believe I missed that sucker."

[Sam]

Man and wife go to doctor as man has absolutely no interest in sex.

 

The doctor checks the man out and tells him that his balls have shut down producing testosterone but there is a new procedure where they replace the guys current jewels with those of a do.

 

The couple agree and he has the operation. The doctor tells the guy he can go home, rest and take it easy for the first month or the action could kill him.

 

On the appointed time for his follow-up visit only his wife arrives at the doctor's office.

 

"Oh no!" exclaims the doctor. "Don't tell me he died!"

 

"Yes," the wife said sadly.

 

"I told you both to take it easy for the first month. Why did you not follow my orders?" asked the doctor.

 

"But we did" replied the wife. To the letter.

 

"Then how did your husband die?" asked the doc.

 

"Well, he was sitting in the middle of the road licking his balls when a pickup truck ran over him."

 

[Sam]

OK, OK, I misspelled dog.

 

Left off the g.

 

But I think you guys could figure it out.

[A-Jay]

OK, OK, I misspelled dog.

 

Left off the g.

 

But I think you guys could figure it out.

 

LOL ~  I was just about to add that for you..

 

A-Jay

[A-Jay]

I guess the "Funny" part is this is REAL.

 

A-Jay

 

[Redlinerobert]

^ That looks like the Golden Gate in San Francisco. 

[A-Jay]

^ That looks like the Golden Gate in San Francisco. 

 

Sure does -

 

The sad part about it is, I think the "Out of Order" sign could be enough to send some one over the rail.

 

A-Jay

[Sam]

I was in my back yard trying to launch a kite. I threw the kite up in the air, the wind would catch it for a few seconds and it would come crashing back down to earth.

 

I tried this a few more times with no success. All the while, my wife is watching from the kitchen window muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything.

 

She opened the window and yelled to me. “You need a piece of tail."

 

I turned with a confused look on my face and said, “Make up your mind. Last night you told me to go fly a kite.”

[Sam]

I was in my back yard trying to launch a kite. I threw the kite up in the air, the wind would catch it for a few seconds and it would come crashing back down to earth.

 

I tried this a few more times with no success. All the while, my wife is watching from the kitchen window muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything.

 

She opened the window and yelled to me. “You need a piece of tail."

 

I turned with a confused look on my face and said, “Make up your mind. Last night you told me to go fly a kite.”

[Scott F]

That was MUCH funnier the second time.

[Jigfishn10]

That was good Sam!

 

Not a joke, true story, but funny all the same.

 

You know how you can say something that just comes out all wrong? Well it happened to my sister with her landscaper. For years Louis would come by the house to cut the grass, trim long the edges and blow the debris in a pile and clean-up. He charged her a flat rate for a years worth on lawn maintenance. My brother-in-law was really busy with work one year and didn't have time to trim the hedges in front of the house. My sister asked Louis for a price to have the work done, payable on the spot. Louis shook his head and said in his broken english; "Don't worry Miss Laura, I trimma your bush."

[Traveler2586]

That was good Sam!

 

Not a joke, true story, but funny all the same.

 

You know how you can say something that just comes out all wrong? Well it happened to my sister with her landscaper. For years Louis would come by the house to cut the grass, trim long the edges and blow the debris in a pile and clean-up. He charged her a flat rate for a years worth on lawn maintenance. My brother-in-law was really busy with work one year and didn't have time to trim the hedges in front of the house. My sister asked Louis for a price to have the work done, payable on the spot. Louis shook his head and said in his broken english; "Don't worry Miss Laura, I trimma your bush."

I told a neighbor this same thing once, her reply was "Great ! I'll be waiting"

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

All I got was blisters on my hands from trimming Boxwoods  

[A-Jay]

I told a neighbor this same thing once, her reply was "Great ! I'll be waiting"

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

All I got was blisters on my hands from trimming Boxwoods  

 

 

I get it ~

 

 

A-Jay

[Sam]

Grin and bear it ------

 

PUN0GRAPHY

 

·  I tried to catch some fog.  I mist.

 

·  When chemists die, they barium.

 

·  Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

 

·  A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

 

·  I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid.  He says he can stop any time.

 

·  How does Moses make his tea?  Hebrews it.

 

·  I stayed up all night to see where the sun went.  Then it dawned on me.

 

·  This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

 

·  I'm reading a book about anti-gravity.  I can't put it down.

 

·  I did a theatrical performance about puns.  It was a play on words ..

 

·  They told me I had type A blood, but it was a type-O.

 

·  This dyslexic man walks into a bra .

 

·  I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

 

·  A cross-eyed teacher lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

 

·  When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

 

·  What does a clock do when it's hungry?  It goes back four seconds..

 

·  I wondered why the ball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!

 

·  Broken pencils are pointless.

 

·  What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary?  A thesaurus.

 

·  England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .

 

·  I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

 

·  I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

 

·  All the toilets in London police stations have been stolen.

   Police say they have nothing to go on.

 

·  I took the job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

 

·  Velcro - what a rip off!

 

·  Cartoonist found dead in home.  Details are sketchy.

 

[Traveler2586]

Two young businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break in their
soon-to-be new store in the shopping mall. As yet, the store's merchandise
wasn't in -- only a few shelves and display racks set up.

One said to the other, "I'll bet that any minute now some senior is going
to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling."

Sure enough, just a moment later, a curious senior gentleman walked up to
the window, looked around intensely and rapped on the glass, then in a
loud voice asked, "What are you selling here?"

One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling a***oles."

Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, "You must be doing well. Only
two left."

Seniors -- don't mess with them. They didn't get old by being stupid!

[Brian Needham]

I actually laughed at ^ that one...

[A-Jay]

I actually laughed at ^ that one...

 

 

Me Too ~

 

A-Jay

[clayton86]

Me three