Super User Bankbeater Posted January 20, 2014 Super User Posted January 20, 2014 Read the reviews on these gummy bears. I'm crying from laughter at some of them. http://www.amazon.com/Haribo-Gummy-Candy-Sugarless-5-Pound/dp/B000EVQWKC/ LOL!
Super User BassinLou Posted January 20, 2014 Super User Posted January 20, 2014 My Dad sent this to me yesterday. Blonde in an airplane This is a story of the blond flying in a two seater airplane with just the pilot. He has a heart attack and dies. She, frantic, calls out a May Day. "May Day! May Day! Help me! Help me! My pilot had a heart attack and is dead. And I don't know how to fly. Help me! Please help me!" she hears a voice over the radio saying: "This is Air Traffic Control and I have you loud and clear. I will talk you through this and get you back on the ground. I've had a lot of experience with this kind of problem. Now, just take a deep breath. Everything will be fine! Now give me your height and position" She says, "I'm 5'4" and I support Obama." "OK" says the voice on the radio.... " Repeat after me: Our Father, Who art in Heaven.... " 2
Super User deaknh03 Posted January 21, 2014 Super User Posted January 21, 2014 Doctor asks the pregnant prostitute, "Do you know who the father is?" "For gosh sake, if you ate a can of beans would you know which one made you fart?"
Super User jbsoonerfan Posted January 22, 2014 Super User Posted January 22, 2014 Josh was 5 years old and he loved going to church. He especially loved the pastor, Brother Brown. Well, one day during Sunday school the teacher heard Josh tell another little boy that "Bobbie is a little bassturd" The teacher says "Now, Josh we don't use words like that" "Would you want Brother Brown to hear you talk like that?" To which Josh replies "Hell no"
Super User A-Jay Posted January 22, 2014 Super User Posted January 22, 2014 Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the sea, this captain and his crew were always in danger of being boarded by pirates from a pirate ship. One day while they were sailing, they saw that a pirate ship had sent a boarding party to try and board their ship. The crew became worried, but the Captain was calm. He bellowed to his First Mate, "Bring me my red shirt!" The First Mate quickly got the Captain's red shirt, which the captain put on. Then he led his crew into battle against the mean pirates. Although there were some casualties among the crew, the pirates were defeated. Later that day, the lookout screamed that there were two pirate vessels sending two boarding parties towards their ship. The crew was nervous, but the Captain, calm as ever, bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!" And once again the battle was on! The Captain and his crew fought off the boarding parties, though this time more casualties occurred. Weary from the battles, the men sat around on deck that night recounting the day's events when an ensign looked at the Captain and asked, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before the battle?" The Captain, giving the ensign a look that only a captain can give, explained, "If I am wounded in battle, the red shirt does not show the blood, so you men will continue to fight unafraid." The men sat in silence. They were amazed at the courage of such a man. As dawn came the next morning, the lookout screamed that there were pirate ships, 10 of them, all with boarding parties on their way. The men became silent and looked to the Captain, their leader, for his usual command. The Captain, calm as ever, bellowed, 'Bring me my brown pants!!!' A-Jay 3
Super User deaknh03 Posted January 22, 2014 Super User Posted January 22, 2014 On the morning that Daylight Savings Time ended I stopped in to visit my aging friend. He was busy covering his thingy with black shoe polish. I said to him, "You better get your hearing checked - You're supposed to turn your clock back". 3
Traveler2586 Posted January 22, 2014 Author Posted January 22, 2014 Three guys were fishing in a lake one day, when Jesus walked across the water and joined them in the boat. When the three astonished men had settled down enough to speak, the first guy asked humbly, "Jesus, I've suffered from back pain ever since I took shrapnel in the Vietnam War. Could you help me?" "Of course, my son," Jesus said. And, when he touched the man's back he felt relief for the first time in years. The second guy who wore very thick glasses and had a hard time reading and driving , asked if Jesus could do anything about his poor eyesight. Jesus smiled, removed the man's glasses and tossed them into the lake. When they hit the water, the man's eyes cleared and he could see everything distinctly. When Jesus turned to the third guy, the guy put his hands out defensively. "Don't touch me!" he cried. "I'm on a disability pension". 3
Super User A-Jay Posted January 22, 2014 Super User Posted January 22, 2014 Three guys were fishing in a lake one day, when Jesus walked across the water and joined them in the boat. When the three astonished men had settled down enough to speak, the first guy asked humbly, "Jesus, I've suffered from back pain ever since I took shrapnel in the Vietnam War. Could you help me?" "Of course, my son," Jesus said. And, when he touched the man's back he felt relief for the first time in years. The second guy who wore very thick glasses and had a hard time reading and driving , asked if Jesus could do anything about his poor eyesight. Jesus smiled, removed the man's glasses and tossed them into the lake. When they hit the water, the man's eyes cleared and he could see everything distinctly. When Jesus turned to the third guy, the guy put his hands out defensively. "Don't touch me!" he cried. "I'm on a disability pension". That's good ~ but half way through, I really thought that punch line was heading in a different direction - mostly lower. A-Jay 1
Super User deaknh03 Posted January 22, 2014 Super User Posted January 22, 2014 Just got scammed out of $25. I bought Tiger Woods DVD entitled "My Favorite 18 Holes". Turns out it's about golf. Absolute waste of money! Pass this on so others don't get scammed. 4
Super User Sam Posted January 23, 2014 Super User Posted January 23, 2014 An older guy goes to his doctor for his physical and gets sent to the Urologist as a precaution for prostate cancer. When he gets there, he discovers the Urologist is a very pretty female doctor. The female doctor says, "I'm going to check your prostate today, but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to. I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, then while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say, '99'. The old guy obeys and says, "99". The doctor says, "Great", now turn over on your left side and again, while I repeat the check, take a deep breath and say, '99". Again, the old guy says, '99'." The doctor said, “Very good”. Now then, I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly. I'm going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand I'm going to hold on to your p#*%s to keep it out of the way. Now take a deep breath and say, '99'. The old guy begins, "One... two… three…" 4
Super User Grizzn N Bassin Posted January 25, 2014 Super User Posted January 25, 2014 A blonde called her boyfriend and said, “Please come over here and help me… I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can’t figure out how to get it started.” Her boyfriend asked, “What is it supposed to be when it’s finished?” The blonde said, “According to the picture on the box, it’s a tiger.” Her boyfriend decided to go over and help with the puzzle. She let him in and showed him where she had the puzzle spread all over the table. He studied the pieces for a moment, then looked at the box, then turned to her and said, “First of all, no matter what we do, we’re not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger.” He took her hand and said, “Second, I’d want you to relax… Let’s have a nice cup of tea, and then…” He sighed, “let’s put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box.” 5
Smallmouth Hunter Posted January 26, 2014 Posted January 26, 2014 Read these reviews too: http://www.amazon.com/Avoid-Huge-Ships-John-Trimmer/product-reviews/0870334336/ref=lmf_16_cm_cr_acr_txt?ie=UTF8&showViewpoints=1
Super User Grizzn N Bassin Posted January 26, 2014 Super User Posted January 26, 2014 Read the reviews on these gummy bears. I'm crying from laughter at some of them. http://www.amazon.com/Haribo-Gummy-Candy-Sugarless-5-Pound/dp/B000EVQWKC/ lmfao!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! im crying. that is hilarious
HeavyDluxe Posted January 27, 2014 Posted January 27, 2014 I'm at hour seven... this better be a good joke when it comes. 1
Traveler2586 Posted January 27, 2014 Author Posted January 27, 2014 What is this an endless loop? the joke is we watched it..... ( I used fast forward ) 3
Super User slonezp Posted February 3, 2014 Super User Posted February 3, 2014 Job Interview:Human Resources Manager: "What is your greatest weakness?"Older Man : "Honesty."Human Resources Manager: "I don't think honesty is a weakness."Older Man : "I don't really give a chit what you think." 1
Super User slonezp Posted February 5, 2014 Super User Posted February 5, 2014 I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly> dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked me for a couple of> dollars for dinner.>>>> I took out my wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you> this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?">> "No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.>>>> "Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" I asked.>>>> "No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said... "I need to> spend all my time trying to stay alive.">> "Will you spend this on hunting equipment?" I asked.>>>> "Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't gone hunting in 20> years!">>>> "Well," I said, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going to> take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife.">> The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you> for doing that?>>>>>>>> I replied, "Don't worry about that. It's important for her to see what> a man looks like after he has given up drinking, fishing and hunting." 4
Super User A-Jay Posted February 7, 2014 Super User Posted February 7, 2014 THE WILL.......... Harold Smith is on his deathbed in London. His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons, are with him. So, he says to them: "Bernie, I want you to take the Mayfair houses." "Sybil, take the apartments over in Pall Mall ." "Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the City Centre." "Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the banks of the Thames ." The nurse is just blown away by all this, and as Harold slips away, she says, "Mrs. Smith, your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all this property". Sarah replies, " What Property? ... the Bum had a paper route!" A-Jay 3
Trailer Posted February 7, 2014 Posted February 7, 2014 There was a employee who worked at a warehouse and every day his boss was pretty tough on him and harassed him constantly. The boss would say to the employee, "hey jacka$$, you about done with that?" "Hey jacka$$, you're doing that wrong!" "Hey jacka$$, get back to work!" The defeated looking employee would turn and get back to his task. Finally a new guy notices one day and wants to share his two cents. The new guy says, "I know I'm new here, but you don't have to put up with him calling you a jacka$$ for the rest of your life." As if the employee was unaffected he turned to the new guy and says in a stutter, "HeeHaw, HeeHaw, HeeHaw-ways says that."
Super User Redlinerobert Posted February 9, 2014 Super User Posted February 9, 2014 A foreigner arrives at a swiss bank and asks to open an account.He is met by a manager who asks how much he wants to deposit.The customer whispers "2 million pounds""There's no need to whisper, sir, there is no shame in being poor!" 1
Super User Sam Posted February 9, 2014 Super User Posted February 9, 2014 Teacher asks the kids in her 3rd grade class: "What do you want to be when you grow up?" Little Johnny says: "I wanna hit the Powerball and be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest 'ho on the planet, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, and an Infinite Visa Card and bang her three times a day in the most exotic places on earth".The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from little Johnny decides not to acknowledge what he said and simply tries to continue with the lesson ...."And how about you, Sarah?" "I wanna be Johnny's 'ho. 3
Super User deaknh03 Posted February 10, 2014 Super User Posted February 10, 2014 Teacher asks the kids in her 3rd grade class: "What do you want to be when you grow up?" Little Johnny says: "I wanna hit the Powerball and be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest 'ho on the planet, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, and an Infinite Visa Card and bang her three times a day in the most exotic places on earth". The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from little Johnny decides not to acknowledge what he said and simply tries to continue with the lesson .... "And how about you, Sarah?" "I wanna be Johnny's 'ho. me too.
Recommended Posts