Jokes - Let's Have Some Fun

[Traveler2586]

There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession.

 

Upon entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.'

 

The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'

 

The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times.'

 

The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.'

 

The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'

 

The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.'

[Sam]

A man walks into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by. He gets
into the taxi and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time.
Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to
Frank Feldman every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won
the grand-slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an
opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him
play the piano. He was an amazing guy."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."

Cabbie: "There's more... He had a memory like a computer. Could remember
everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and
which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me - I change
a fuse and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Fieldman, he could do
everything right."

Passenger: "Wow, some guy then."

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic
jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never
made a mistake and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel
good.  He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong and his clothing
was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too -- the perfect man! He
never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Fieldman."

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank. I just married his widow.

[roadwarrior]

Outstanding!

 

 

 

[Traveler2586]

I think I may have worked for Frank when I was young.

[slonezp]

What deep thinkers men are... I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer. The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.



My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing and I said 'nothing'. The reason I said that instead of saying 'just thinking' is because she would have said 'about what'. At that point I would have to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics which would lead to other questions.



Finally I thought about an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the groin? Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the groin.



Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question. Getting kicked in the groin is more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion. A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child." On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the groin." I rest my case.

[gr8outdoorz]

Origin of the White Wedding Dress:

A son asked his mother the following question:

' Mom, why are wedding dresses white? ' The mother looks at her son and replies:

' Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure.'

The son thanks his Mom and goes off to double-check this with his father.

'Dad why are wedding dresses white? '

The father looks at his son in surprise and says:

'Son, all household appliances come in white.'

[Traveler2586]

On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the groin."

 

In all my years, I can tell you that has Never crossed my mind - not even once.......

[Sam]

Little Bruce and Jenny are only 10 years old but they know they are in love. One day they decide that they want to get married, so Bruce goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand.

Bruce bravely walks up to him and says,"Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."

Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, “Well Bruce, you are only 10...

Where will you two live?"

Without even taking a moment to think about it, Bruce replies, “In Jenny's room. It’s bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, “Okay, then how will you live? You’re not old enough to get a job. You’ll need to support Jenny."

Again, Bruce instantly replies, "Our allowance, Jenny makes 5 bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That’s about 60 bucks a month, so that should do us just fine."

Mr. Smith is impressed. Bruce has put so much thought into this.

"Well, Bruce, it seems like you have everything figured out. I just have one more question. What will you do if the two of you should have little children of your own?"

Bruce just shrugs his shoulders and says, “Well, we've been lucky so far."

[tomustang]

[Traveler2586]

Now that's a wrap!!

[Grizzn N Bassin]

^^^ haha

[slonezp]

A Guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked,

'How long before I can get a haircut?

The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, 'About 2 hours.'

The guy left.

A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?'

The barber looked around at the shop and said,

'About 3 hours.'

The guy left.

A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?'

The barber looked around the shop and said,

'About an hour and a half.'

The guy left.

The barber turned to his friend and said,

'Hey, Bob, do me a favor , follow him and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but he never comes back.'

A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.

The barber asked, 'So, where does he go when he leaves?'

Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said...



"Your House"

[Bankbeater]

"Your House"

 

 

Roflmao!

[Traveler2586]

An older couple is driving down the road when they get stopped by a trooper.

 

The man asks why and the trooper informs him that he was doing 60 in a 45.

 

I don't know how, the man replies. I had the cruise control set at 45.

 

'OH Harry, the wife interjects, You know this car doesn't have cruise control"  Harry shoots her a look as the trooper continues;

 

And I noticed you weren't wearing your seat belt.  Well, I undid it to get my wallet out of my pocket.

 

'Oh Harry, the wife interrupts him again, You know you never wear your seat belt."

 

Harry turns to her and says; Will you PLEASE shut the F up!!!  At which point the trooper bends down and looks across to the woman and asks if her husband is always that belligerent to which she replies:

 

Oh no officer..................ONLY WHEN HE'S BEEN DRINKING

[gr8outdoorz]

5 surgeons for various cities were discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.

 

The first surgeon, from New York, says “I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.”

 

The second, from Chicago, responds “Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside is color coded!”.

 

The third surgeon, from Dallas, says “No, I really thing librarians are the best, everything inside is in alphabetical order”.

 

The forth, from Los Angeles, chimes in “You know, I like construction workers…those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over.”

 

But the fifth surgeon, from Washington DC shut them all up when he observed “You are all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. They have no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine. Plus the head and a** are interchangeable!”

[Sam]

I played Candy Crush for the first time last night and really enjoyed it. I threw a Snickers in the middle of the floor of a Weight Watchers meeting last night and watched the action!

[slonezp]

A son comes up to his father and asks "where did I get my intelligence from"? The father replies "must have been from your mother because I still have mine"

[Long Mike]

5 surgeons for various cities were discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.

 

The first surgeon, from New York, says “I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.”

 

The second, from Chicago, responds “Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside is color coded!”.

 

The third surgeon, from Dallas, says “No, I really thing librarians are the best, everything inside is in alphabetical order”.

 

The forth, from Los Angeles, chimes in “You know, I like construction workers…those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over.”

 

But the fifth surgeon, from Washington DC shut them all up when he observed “You are all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. They have no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine. Plus the head and a** are interchangeable!”

 

Now, that thar was funny!

[slonezp]

A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn't seem to get her tomatoes to turn red.

One day, while taking a stroll, she came upon a gentleman neighbor. He had the most beautiful

garden full of huge red tomatoes. The woman asked the gentleman, "What do you do to get your

tomatoes so red?"



The man responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden, naked in my trench coat

and I flash them. My tomatoes turn red from blushing so much."

The woman was so impressed; she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if

it would work. So twice a day for two weeks she flashed her garden hoping for the best.

One day the gentleman was passing by and asked the woman, "By the way, how did you make out?

Did your tomatoes turn red?

"No", she replied, "but my cucumbers are enormous!"

[Tuckahoe Joe]

HAHAHAHAHA...That's too funny!

[Bankbeater]

LOL!

[Grizzn N Bassin]

Two really plastered 40 year old Virgins walked into a "fun" house.

 

They really wanted to get some fun and asked the madam for two hookers.

 

The madam of the house asked them to take a seat and have a drink while she arranged their requests.

 

She thought to herself that these men were so waisted that it didn’t matter what type of women they used.

 

She collected two inflateable dolls and put one in each of the two rooms.

 

The two men were then immidiately escorted to their rooms for the night.

 

The next day while they were leaving one man says to the other "last night was the worst time ever! I just layed there all night waiting for the girl to make her move and she never did!"

 

The other man said to his friend"that’s nothing, my woman was a witch! I leaned over to give her a love bite on her neck and she farted then flew out the window!"

[Grizzn N Bassin]

Q. What did the police officer say to the midget complaining that someone picked his pocket?

 

A. I can’t believe someone would stoop so low.…

[Sam]

President Obama walks into the Bank of America to cash a check. As he approaches the cashier he says,"Good morning Ma'am, could you please cash this check for me?"
 
Cashier: "It would be my pleasure sir. Could you please show me your ID?"
 
Obama: "Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to.
I am President Barack Obama, the President of the United States of AMERICA !!!!"
 
Cashier: "Yes sir, I know who you are, but with all the regulations and monitoring of the banks because of impostors and forgers and requirements of the Dodd/Frank legislation, etc., I must insist on seeing ID."
 
Obama: Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am."
 
Cashier: "I am sorry Mr. President but these are the bank rules and I must follow them."
 
Obama: "I am urging you, please, to cash this check."
 
Cashier: "Look Mr. President, here is an example of what we can do. One day, Tiger Woods came into the bank without ID. To prove he was Tiger Woods he pulled out his putter and made a beautiful shot across the bank into a cup.. With that shot we knew him to be Tiger Woods and cashed his check. Another time, Andre Agassi came in without ID. He pulled out his tennis racket and made a fabulous shot whereas the tennis ball landed in my cup. With that shot we cashed his check. So, Mr. President, what can you do to prove that it is you, and only you, as the President of the United States?"
 
Obama stands there thinking, and thinking, and finally says, "Honestly, my mind is a total blank...there is nothing that comes to my mind. I can't think of a single thing. I have absolutely no idea what to do and I don't have a clue."
 
Cashier: "Will that be large or small bills, Mr. President?”          

[Traveler2586]

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, Making beer.. Always something more important to me.

 

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. 

 

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

 

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.