Jokes - Let's Have Some Fun

[Traveler2586]

The dad replies, "Son, those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March...."

 

 

  ya, that's the way it went as best as I can recall.....

[slonezp]

Earl walked into a drug store in Kentucky and asked to talk to a male
pharmacist.

The woman he was talking to said that she was the only pharmacist and as she

and her sister owned the store, there were no male employees.

 

She then asked if she could help him. Earl said that it was something that
he would be much more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist.

The lady pharmacist assured him that she was completely professional and

whatever it was that he needed to discuss, he could be confident that she
would

treat him with a high level of professionalism.

Earl then agreed and began by saying, 'This is tough for me to discuss,

but I get erections every day that last more than four hours.
It causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment,

and I was wondering what you could give me for it.'
 
The pharmacist said, 'Just a minute, I'll talk to my sister.'
When she returned, she said,

"We discussed it at length and this is the absolute best we can do.
 
1/3 ownership in the store, a company pickup truck,

a king size bed and $3,000 a month in living expenses.

[slonezp]

Two elderly ladies were talking.

 

“At our age, I don’t know what would be worse; Parkinson’s or Alzheimer’s?" one said.

 

Her wise friend answered, “Oh I’d rather have Parkinson’s, definitely Parkinson’s!  Better to 
spill half my wine, than to forget where I keep the bottle."

 

[slonezp]

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their
tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.

 

Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, 'Kemo Sabe, look
towards sky, what you see?

 

'The Lone Ranger replies, 'I see millions of stars.'

 

What that tell you?' asked Tonto.

 

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, 'Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter Past three in the morning. Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?'

"You dumber than buffalo ****. It means someone stole the tent."

[Traveler2586]

It's Friday and Ed, an 82yrs. old, has just finished his physical.

 

'I'm pleased to say that you're in excellent shape' the Dr. informs him.

 

So Ed asks the doc to give him three * pills. 

 

'What in the world are you going to do with three of them the Dr. inquires. 

 

Well, My new honey is coming over tonight and I thought I might show her a good time.

 

'And the other two?'

 

Well, my landlady is stopping by on Sat. to collect the rent, and I thought I might be able to knock a little off, if you know what I mean and on Sun. my ex will be coming by to collect her alimony and I thought I'd show her what she's been missing.

 

The Dr. thought about it for a minute and agreed, on one condition.  First thing Mon. morning, Ed was to stop by so the doc could check him out. 

 

The doc went home and didn't think about Ed until Mon. on his train ride into the city.

 

When he got to his office, Ed was already waiting there. With his arm in a sling.

 

'What the hell happened to you" the doc asked.

 

NOBODY SHOWED!!!

[slonezp]

A guy goes into a bar in Louisiana where there's a robot bartender!

The Robot asks the guy "What will you have?" The guy says, "Whiskey."

The robot brings back his drink and says to the man, "What's your IQ?" The guy says, "168."

The robot then proceeds to talk about physics, space exploration and medical technology.

 

The guy leaves, . . . but he is curious . . . So he goes back into the bar.

The robot bartender says, "What will you have?" The guy says, "Whiskey."

Again, the robot brings the man his drink and says, "What's your IQ?"  The guy says, "100."

The robot then starts to talk about NASCAR, Budweiser, the New Orleans Saints and LSU football.

 

The guy leaves, but finds it very interesting, so he thinks he will try it one more time. He goes back into the bar.

The robot says, "What will you have?"  The guy says, "Whiskey."

The robot brings him his whiskey.  The robot then says, "What's your IQ?" The guy says, "Uh, about 50."

The robot leans in real close and says, "SO. . . . ,you people still happy with Obama?"

[clayton86]

A guy goes into a bar in Louisiana where there's a robot bartender!

The Robot asks the guy "What will you have?" The guy says, "Whiskey."

The robot brings back his drink and says to the man, "What's your IQ?" The guy says, "168."

The robot then proceeds to talk about physics, space exploration and medical technology.

The guy leaves, . . . but he is curious . . . So he goes back into the bar.

The robot bartender says, "What will you have?" The guy says, "Whiskey."

Again, the robot brings the man his drink and says, "What's your IQ?" The guy says, "100."

The robot then starts to talk about NASCAR, Budweiser, the New Orleans Saints and LSU football.

The guy leaves, but finds it very interesting, so he thinks he will try it one more time. He goes back into the bar.

The robot says, "What will you have?" The guy says, "Whiskey."

The robot brings him his whiskey.The robot then says, "What's your IQ?" The guy says, "Uh, about 50."

The robot leans in real close and says, "SO. . . . ,you people still happy with Obama?"

Hahahaha

[Tuckahoe Joe]

I love this thread.  I'd like to contribute to it but most of my jokes go against  the forum rules.

[Traveler2586]

I love this thread.  I'd like to contribute to it but most of my jokes go against  the forum rules.

 

I can't believe you can't come up with something, your a Maryland boy!!

[Long Mike]

I'm with Joe.  I don't know any "clean" jokes.

[CPBassFishing]

Saw this on facebook.

[Dwight Hottle]

T

wo guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and Family values.

Bill said, 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?'

Larry replied, 'I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?'

___________________________________________

A little boy went up to his father and asked: 'Dad, where did my intelligence come from?'

The father replied. 'Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine.'

___________________________________________

'Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the divorce Court Judge said, 'And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,'

'That's very fair, your honor,' the husband said. 'And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself.'

___________________________________________

A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife at all..'

'Me neither doc,' said the husband. 'But she's a great cook and really good with the kids.'

___________________________________________

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.'

The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.'

___________________________________________

Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder:

1. The DNA all matches.

2. There are no dental records.

___________________________________________

A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, 'Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City?'

The agent replies, 'Just a minute.'

'Thank you,' the blonde says, and hangs up.

___________________________________________

Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.

'How was he killed?' asked one detective.

'With a golf gun,' the other detective replied.

'A golf gun! What is a golf gun?'

'I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.'

___________________________________________

Moe: 'My wife got me to believe in religion.'

Joe: 'Really?'

Moe: 'Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in Hell.'

___________________________________________

A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and asks him how he is feeling.

'I'm O. K. But I didn't like the four letter-words the doctor used in surgery,' he answered.

'What did he say,' asked the nurse.

'Oops!'

____________ _______________________________

While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's

advice.

'What do you think?' I asked. 'Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?'

'Better get a bikini,' he replied. 'You'd never get it all in one.'

He's still in intensive care.

___________________________________________

The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance.

The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, 'Well, she's there.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Traveler2586]

A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?'

He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humor!'

[Traveler2586]

I'm with Joe.  I don't know any "clean" jokes.

 

I bet you do, you just can't remember where you put them

[The Rooster]

Most of these jokes here aren't really dirty or clean. They've just been rough scrubbed enough to squeeze by.

[Traveler2586]

A keen country lad applied for a salesman's job at a city department store. In fact it was the biggest store in the world - you could get anything there.

The boss asked him, "Have you ever been a salesman before?" Yes, I was a salesman in the country" said the lad.

 

The boss liked the cut of him and said, "You can start tomorrow and I'll come and see you when we close up."

 

The day was long and arduous for the young man, but finally 5 o'clock came around.

 

The boss duly fronted up and asked, "How many sales did you make today?"

 

"One," said the young salesman. "Only one?" blurted the boss, "most of my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day.

 

How much was the sale worth?" "Three hundred thousand dollars," said the young man.

 

"How did you manage that?" asked the flabbergasted boss.

 

"Well," said the salesman "this man came in and I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium hook and finally a really large hook. Then I sold him a small fishing line, a medium one and a huge big one.

I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast. I said he would probably need a boat, so I took him down to the boat department and sold him that twenty foot schooner with the twin engines.

Then he said his Volkswagen probably wouldn't be able to pull it, so I took him to the car department and sold him the new Deluxe Cruiser."

 

The boss took two steps back and asked in astonishment, "You sold all that to a guy who came in for a fish hook?"

 

"No," answered the salesman

 

"He came in to buy a box of Tampons for his wife and I said to him, 'Your weekend's shot, you may as well go fishing.'"

[Dwight Hottle]

Research shows that there are 7 kinds of sex.

The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex. * This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone, and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.

The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex. * This is when you have been with your partner for a short time, and you are so needy you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.

The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex *. This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine, and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.

The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex *. This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say "Screw" you.'

The 5th kind of sex is called: Catholic Sex *. Which means you get "Nun" in the morning, "Nun" in the afternoon and "Nun" at night. (Very Popular)

The 6th kind is called: Courtroom Sex *. This is when you cannot stand your wife any more. She takes you to court and "Screws" you in front of everyone.

And; Last, but not least, The 7th kind of sex is called: Social Security Sex. * You get a little each month. But not enough to enjoy yourself.

[CPBassFishing]

*

A couple going on vacation but his wife was on a business trip so he went to the destination first and his wife would meet him the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick email.

Unfortunately, when typing her address, he mistyped a letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher’s wife whose husband had passed away only the day before.

When the grieving widow checked her email, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint.

At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:

Dearest Wife,

Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

P.S. Sure is hot down here.

[Traveler2586]

There was a bit of confusion at the Sporting Goods store this morning. When I was ready to pay for my purchases of gun powder and bullets... the cashier said,

"Strip down, facing me."

Making a mental note to complain to the NRA about the gun control whackos running amok, I did just as she had instructed.

When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found out that she was referring to how I should place my credit card in the card-reader.

I have been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.

They need to make their instructions to us seniors a little clearer !

 

I STILL DON'T THINK I LOOKED THAT BAD.

[ROCbass]

They just built a new maximum security prison near where I live. Every single inmate there is on death row or serving a life sentence. I heard they're all dying to get out.

[Sam]

Farmer John once lived on a quiet rural highway but as time went by,

the traffic slowly built up and eventually got so heavy and so fast that his free range

chickens were being run over, at a rate of three to six a week.

 

So Farmer John called the local police station to complain, "You've got to do something about all these people driving so fast and killing all my chickens," he said to the local police officer.

"What do you want me to do?" asked the policeman.

"I don't care; just do something about those crazy drivers!"

So the next day the policeman had the Council erect a sign that said: SCHOOL CROSSING

Three days later Farmer John called the policeman and said, "You've still got to do something about these drivers. The school crossing' sign seems to make them go even faster!"

So again, they put up a new sign: SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY.

That really sped them up. So Farmer John called and said, "Your signs are no good. Can I put up my own sign?"

In order to get Farmer John off his back the Officer said "Sure. Put up your own sign.

The phone calls to the Police Station stopped, but curiosity got the better of the Officer, so he called Farmer John and asked how’s the problem with the speeding drivers.

"Oh, I sure did and not one chicken has been killed.

The policeman was really curious and thought he'd better go out and take a look at the sign. He also thought the sign might be something the Police could use elsewhere, to slow drivers down. So he drove out to Farmer John's house. His jaw dropped the moment he saw the sign:

 

'NUDIST COLONY'

'Slow Down and Watch Out for Chicks!'

 

[Traveler2586]

"

'NUDIST COLONY'

'Slow Down and Watch Out for Chicks!'

"

 

LOL, you know I'd slow down, in fact I'd probably park on the side of the road..........

[Sam]

Japanese scientists have now created a camera with such a fantastic shutter speed that it is now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her mouth closed.

[moguy1973]

My friend just got a new dog.  It's a Labradoodle.  Funny thing is the father dog is a 4lb black poodle and the mom dog is a 100lb yellow lab.  That just goes to show that the stereotype of the skinny black poodles like the fat white b!+@#es.  

 

[Traveler2586]

The Trick To Ice Fishing
Billy and Jethro decide to go ice fishing. After arriving at the lake early in the morning, they cut two holes in the lake and drop their lines in the water. After fishing for a few hours, Billy has caught dozens of fish while Jethro hasn't even gotten a bite.
Jethro asks, Billy, what's your secret?
Billy answers, Mmu motta meep da mmrms mmrm.
Jethro asks, What did you say?
Billy answers, Mmu motta meep da mmrms mmrm.
Jethro again asks, What?
Billy spits into his hand and says, You gotta keep the worms warm!