Jokes - Let's Have Some Fun

[slonezp]

In a Purdue University classroom, they were discussing the qualifications to be President of the United States .

It was pretty simple. The candidate must be a natural
born citizen of at least 35 years of age.

However, one girl, a blonde, in the class immediately started in on how unfair was the requirement to be a natural born citizen. In short, her opinion was that this requirement prevented many capable individuals from becoming president. The class was taking it in and letting her rant, and many jaws hit the floor when she wrapped up her argument by stating "What makes a natural born citizen any more qualified to lead this country than one born by C-section?"

[Traveler2586]

Male Logic

 
A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one
carton of milk and if they have avocados, get 6."
 
A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.
 
The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"
 
He replied, "They had avocados."
 

 

If you're a woman, I'm sure you're going back to read it again!

Men will get it the first time.
 
My work is done here.

 

[slonezp]

Hooker's Union

A dedicated Teamsters union worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas

and decided to check out the local brothels.

When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam, "Is this a union house?"

"No”, she replied, "I'm sorry it isn't."

"Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"

"The house gets $80 and the girls get $20,” she answered.

Offended at such unfair dealings, the union man stomped off down the street

in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop.

His search continued until finally he reached a brothel

where the Madam responded,

"Why yes sir, this is a union house. We observe all union rules."

The man asked, "And, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"

"The girls get $80 and the house gets $20."

"That's more like it!" the union man said.

He handed the Madam $100, looked around the room,

and pointed to a stunningly attractive green-eyed blonde.

"I'd like her," he said.

"I'm sure you would, sir," said the Madam.

Then she gestured to a 92-year old woman in the corner,

"but Ethel here has 67 years seniority

and according to union rules, she's next.'"

 

 

 

 

 

[Sam]

Abbott and Costello would have loved these.

 

Time to groan:

 

I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.

When chemists die, they barium.

Jokes about German sausages are the wurst.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. But he says he can stop any time.

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Typo.

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

 

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

Broken pencils are pointless.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

French pancakes give me the crêpes.

Velcro — what a rip off!

A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

 

 

 

[slonezp]

 A guy walks into a bar with a monkey . The monkey grabbed some olives off the bar and ate them . Then he grabbed some sliced limes and ate them . He then jumped onto the pool table and grabbed one of the balls . To everyone's amazement, he stuck it in his mouth and somehow swallowed it whole .

The bartender looked at the guy and said, "Did you see what your Monkey just did?"
"No, what?"
"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table . . . Whole!"

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight, don't worry, I'll pay for the cue ball . "
The guy finished his drink, paid his bill, paid for the stuff the Monkey ate and left .

Two weeks later the guy came back, and had his monkey with him . He ordered a drink and the monkey started running around the bar . The Monkey found a maraschino cherry on the bar . He grabbed it, stuck it up his butt, pulled it out, and then ate it .

Then the monkey found a peanut, and again stuck it up his butt, pulled it out, and ate it . The bartender asked, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
"No, what?" replied the man .
"Well, he stuck both a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled them out, and ate them!"

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy .
"He will eat anything, but ever since he had to crap out that cue ball, he measures everything first . "

[clayton86]

An elderly married couple was at home watching TV.
The husband had the remote and was switching
back and forth between a fishing channel
and the porn channel.

The wife became more and more annoyed and finally said:
"For god's sake! Leave it on the porn channel.
You already know how to fish!

[clayton86]

Tim decided to tie the knot with his long time girlfriend.
One evening, after the honeymoon, he was assembling some loads for an upcoming hunt.

His wife was standing there at the bench watching him. After a long period of silence she finally speaks.

Honey, I've been thinking, now that we are married I think it's time you quit hunting, shooting and fishing. Maybe you should sell your guns and boat.

Tim gets this horrified look on his face.

She says, "Darling, what's wrong?"

"For a minute, you were sounding like my ex-wife.”

"Ex-wife!", she screams, "I didn't know you were married before!"

"I wasn't. "

[Traveler2586]

Never Choke in a Restaurant in KY!

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in

real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says,

'Kin ya swallar?'

 The woman shakes her head no.

Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'

The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.

The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.

As she begins to breathe again, the hillbilly walks slowly back to his table.

His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'

[joefish]

Grandpa's Advice

 

 

I hope that this will once again confirm that the most important information in your life won't come from a teacher, the library or the internet, but from a mentor, and on a very personal level.

My long-passed grandfather's birthday is coming up, and for me it is a time to reminisce. The long walks we used to take. The long drives.The special trips he would make to pick me up so I could spend weekends with him, and the advice he used to give!

Much was wasted because I was young when he died. If he were alive today and sharing his pearls of wisdom, I'd be a better man.

Those gems were well and good, but the one I remember most, the jewel in the crown of grandfatherly advice, came when I was on 12. We were sitting in a park, watching children and their mothers enjoying a beautiful spring day. He told me that one day, I'd find a woman and start my own family.

"And son," he said, "be sure you marry a woman with small hands."

"How come, Grandpa?" I asked.

"It makes your ******* look bigger."

Kinda brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?

[A-Jay]

You know, they say it will fix anything . . .

 

A-Jay

 

[slonezp]

I'm reaching out on behalf of a golf buddy of mine who needs some
help! His wife told him to go out and get some of those pills that
would help him get an erection. When he came back, he handed her some
diet pills.

Anyway, he's looking for a place to live. Let me know if you can help

[Traveler2586]

Thinking of all you guys in the North East after the snow.

 

Snowed In - who cares !

 

 

 

I do, I do, do do.....

 

 

[clayton86]

Haha iv done that first one! Quite a bit actually lol

[slonezp]

That snow fridge pic has been floating around for a few years now. Still a funny one.

[A-Jay]

An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, 'Seven Points.'

His wife rolls over and says, 'What in th...e world was that?' The old man replied, 'its fart football.'

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, 'Touchdown, tie score...'

After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, 'Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7.'

Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, 'Touchdown, tie score.'

Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, 'Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.' Now the pressure is on for the old man.

He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.

Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally poops in the bed.

The wife says, 'What the hell was that?'

The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides . . . . . .

When I first heard this one, I thought that after the Old Man soiled the bed, his wife was going to yell . . FUMBLE . . . . . .

 

A-Jay

[tomustang]

[Sam]

 

 

Father O'Malley answers the phone. 'Hello, is this Father O'Malley?'

'It is!'

'This is the IRS. Can you help us?'

'I can!

 

'Do you know a Ted Houlihan?'

'I do!'

'Is he a member of your congregation?'

'He is!'

'Did he donate $10,000 to the church?'

'He will.'

 

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Lemon Squeeze

There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon
entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.'

The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'

The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times.'

The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.'

The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'

The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.'

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Confession

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:

Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitch-hiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.'

Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'

Man: 'What sins?'

Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'

Man: 'I'm Jewish.'

Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'

Man: 'I'm 92 years old .... I'm telling everybody!'

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Rubbed the Wrong Way

 

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'

The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'

The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'
The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box.'

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.

He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'

The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'

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Brothel Trip

An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.

'I'm 90 years old,' he says.

'90?' replies the woman. 'Don't you realize you've had it?'

'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?'
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Senility

An elderly man went to his doctor and said, 'Doc, I think I'm getting senile. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.' 'That's not senility,' replied the doctor. 'Senility is when you forget to zip down.'
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Pest Control

A woman was having a passionate affair with an Irish inspector from a pest-control company.. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly. 

'Quick,' said the woman to the lover, 'into the closet!' and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.

The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet. 'Who are you?' he asked him.

'I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,' said the exterminator. 
'What are you doing in there?' the husband asked.

'I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,' the man replied.

'And where are your clothes?' asked the husband.

The man looked down at himself and said, 'Those little scoundrels! '
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Marriage Humor

Wife: 'What are you doing?'

Husband: Nothing.

Wife: 'Nothing . .. . ? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.'

Husband: 'I was looking for the expiration date.'

-------------------------------

Wife : 'Do you want dinner?'

Husband: 'Sure! What are my choices?'

Wife: 'Yes or no.'

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Stress Reliever 

Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.'

Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.'

Girl: 'Well that's because we aren't married yet.'

------------------------------
Son: 'Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.'

Mom: 'Well, you have done the right thing.'

Son: 'But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.'

________________________________

A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'

'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'

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A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?'

He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humor!'



Husbands are husbands

A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan. 'What was that for?' the man asked. The wife replied , 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket'. The man then said 'When I was at the races last week , Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on.' The wife apologized and went on with the housework. Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious. Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again. Wife replied. 'Your horse phoned'

 

[Traveler2586]

Bob, an old friend, just had another birthday and he tells me "it's awful to grow old alone".

 

Confused, I said "but you have a wife"

 

"Yes" Bob replyed, "but she hasn't had a birthday in 20 years" 

[slonezp]

[Traveler2586]

 

Oh, that's bad........

[Traveler2586]

Two entrepreneurs at a networking event tried to make small talk.

 

"Hey, do you believe in survival of the fittest"? one asked.

 

"I don't believe in the survival of anybody," the other replied.

 

"I'm an undertaker."

[A-Jay]

Man walks into a bank and say to the teller in the window "I want to open a ******* checking account".

The astonished woman replies "Sir, that kind of language is not tolerated in this bank"

The women then leaves the window to tell the Bank Manager of her situation.

The Manager agrees that the woman should not have to listen to that type of language.

They both return to the window and the Manager asks the man "what seems to be the problem here?"

"There is no ******* problem" the man explains, "I just won $200 million in the dam lottery and I want to put my money into this dam bank".

Oh....I see" say the bank manager, "and is this ***** giving you a hard time, Sir ?"

[Traveler2586]

A city girl was vacationing with her family in the country when she became friendly with a local farm boy.

 

One evening, as they strolled across a pasture, they saw a cow and calf affectionately rubbing noses.

 

"Gee", the boy said, "seeing that kind of makes me want to do the same."

 

"Go ahead," the girl replied. "it's your cow."

[slonezp]

The tree hugger and the tree
A woman from Los Angeles who was a tree hugger, a liberal Democrat, and an anti-hunter, purchased a piece of timberland in Washington.
There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land so she started to climb the big tree.
As she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch.
In considerable pain, she hurried to a local emergency room to see a doctor. She told him she was an environmentalist, a Democrat, and an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters. The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go wait in the examining room and he would see if he could help her.
She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry woman demanded, “What took you so long?”
He smiled and then told her, “Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a “recreational area” so close to a waste treatment facility. I’m sorry, but due to Obama Care they turned you down.”

[deaknh03]

 

This is one of the funniest things I have seen in recent memory.