Jokes - Let's Have Some Fun

[slonezp]

and people say common sense is dead.

[gramps50]

A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership.

Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing

through what little gray hair he had left. "Amazing," he thought as he flow down

I-94, pushing the pedal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a

state trooper behind him, lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to

100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old

for this," and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival. Pulling in behind

him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch, and said, "Sir,

my shift ends in 30 Minutes, Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for

speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go." The old gentleman

paused. Then he said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a State trooper. I

thought you were bring her back."

"Have a good day, sir" replied the trooper.

[A-Jay]

A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership.

Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing

through what little gray hair he had left. "Amazing," he thought as he flow down

I-94, pushing the pedal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a

state trooper behind him, lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to

100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old

for this," and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival. Pulling in behind

him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch, and said, "Sir,

my shift ends in 30 Minutes, Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for

speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go." The old gentleman

paused. Then he said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a State trooper. I

thought you were bring her back."

"Have a good day, sir" replied the trooper.

Good one - I wish I had posted this -

wait a minute - I did - a couple of posts up.

A-Jay

[gramps50]

A-Jay, someone sent that one to me and I thought it was funny so I posted it without reading the others here.

[A-Jay]

A-Jay, someone sent that one to me and I thought it was funny so I posted it without reading the others here.

No worries - it's all good.

I just wish I had thought of that line on the various occasions I might have fractured the posted speed limit a bit-

It's a Classic.

A-Jay

[HookSetDon]

Heres a joke about a man fishing for his dinner....

Finally, he thought when his float went down and set the hook - something to bring home for the wife to cook!

Reeling this big fish into the boat he thought what the hell is this? Saying aloud, Looks like a d**n big goldfish.. I guess it will have to do though..

Then to his surprise the goldfish spoke "WAIT SIR, Let me go and I'll make it worth your while" - What in Gods name?! A talking goldfish?

The goldfish responds " Yes sir,I'm a genie, and if you let me go, I'll grant you one wish".

The man thought long and hard and came up with his wish... Here's my wish.. "Everytime I tick I want to tick 20 year old scotch!"

Poof the goldfish granted the man his wish, and returned to the lake.

On the drive back home the man called up his wife and said " Honey have I got something to tell you!.. Get a couple glasses ready, I'll be home soon".

She was confused but abliged.

Well the man got home and sure enough, he grabbed the glasses unzipped his fly and began to fill. Raising the glass to his mouth he kicked it back... "Aaaa 20 year old scotch" Just as he asked.

The following day the man went out fishing again, and after a long day of fishing he called his wife on the way home and had her get the glasses ready.

Sure enough filling both and taking a drink, wonderful 20 year old scotch.

Well the next day started the same, fishing and calling the wife up on the way back he says " Honey, I'm on my way home again. Get a glass ready for me."

The mans wife responds "Just one? Is there something wrong, How about me?"

The man responds, "Honey, tonight you drink from the bottle!".

[Traveler2586]

"Honey, tonight you drink from the bottle!".

Me, I would have asked for a new boat, electronics, tackle, etc. and a cabin on a good Bass lake; but that's just me.....

[kylek]

Four guys have been going to the same fishing trip for many years.

Two days before the group is to leave, Ron's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.

Ron's mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.

Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find Ron sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the fire.

"Geez Ron, how long you been here, and how did you talk your missus into letting you go?"

"Well, I've been here since yesterday. Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said, 'Guess who ?'" I pulled her hands off, and she was wearing a brand new nightie.

She took my hand and pulled me to our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over. On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes! She told me to tie her up and cuff her to the bed, so I did.

And then she said, "Do whatever you want."

So, Here I am!

[clayton86]

Four guys have been going to the same fishing trip for many years.

Two days before the group is to leave, Ron's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.

Ron's mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.

Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find Ron sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the fire.

"Geez Ron, how long you been here, and how did you talk your missus into letting you go?"

"Well, I've been here since yesterday. Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said, 'Guess who ?'" I pulled her hands off, and she was wearing a brand new nightie.

She took my hand and pulled me to our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over. On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes! She told me to tie her up and cuff her to the bed, so I did.

And then she said, "Do whatever you want."

So, Here I am!

hahahaha thats great

[ztcsmd]

New to the Site--got some pretty darn funnies on here--thought ya'll might get a kick out of this one:

We have the standard 6ft. fence in the backyard, and a few months ago, I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire city.

To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and ran a single wire along the top of the fence. Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for 26 miles of

fence. I then used an 8 ft. long ground round, drove 7.5 feet into the ground. The ground rod is

the key, with the more you have in the ground, the better the fence works.

One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Wallyworld 6hp big wheel push mower. The

hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I

pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way. It

seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all.

Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.7 gigavolt

fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and

has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover.

Time stood still. The first thing I notice is my balls trying to climb up the front side of my body.

My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain.

Everytime that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one

with the engine. It seems as though the fence charger and the POS lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.

Science says you cannot crap, pee, and get your nuts off at the same time. I beg to differ.

Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second.

It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes in between but

in reality it was so close together it was like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand.

At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fence wire. My hand is

wrapped around the wire palm down so I cant let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric

fences. But Dad always had those POS chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9

volts and just kinda tickled. This I could not let go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting

signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex River bottom soil. At this point I'm thinking

I'm going to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas.

'd**n!,' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank! Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough.

It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it.

Covered in poop, pee, jizz, and with my balls on my chest I think 'Oh God please die... Pleeeeze

die'. But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big

bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its owner's right foot.

So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in my own backyard,

begging God to kill me. God did not take me that day. He left me there covered in my own fluids

to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created.

I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire... I woke up laying on the ground hours later.

The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned. There

were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead

spot were the wire had laid while I was on the ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a

seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire.

Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things..

1 - Three of my teeth seem to have melted.

2 - I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek (not the left, just the right).

3 - Poop, pee, and semen when all mixed together, do not smell as bad a you might think.

4 - My left eye will not open.

5 - My right eye will not close.

6 - The lawnmower runs like a sumnabitch now. Seriously! I think our little session cleared out

some carbon fouling or something, because it was better than new after that.

7 - My balls are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot long.

8 - I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while thinking of the number 4 (still don't

understand this?).

That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things. I appreciate the little things

more, and now I always triple check to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.

The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I can clearly visualize what

my security system will do to him, and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which

also reminds me to triple check before I mow.

[A-Jay]

New to the Site--got some pretty darn funnies on here--thought ya'll might get a kick out of this one:

Welcome to BR ~ !

And that has got to be the Introduction of the year . . . . .

A-Jay

[clayton86]

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was terribly burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was to skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin . However the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks.

The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor honor their secret. After all this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on ad on about her youthful beauty!

One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice .

She said, " Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."

"My darling," he replied, "think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss your cheek."

[clayton86]

A henpecked man got tired of his wife constantly picking on him, so he started playing poker on friday nights with his buddys just to get some relief. After he came home she'd start right in on him again.

After several weeks went by, he came home early one friday night about 9:30. His wife asked him how come he was home early. He told her: "You need to pack your bags and go to Herb's house, I lost you to him in the card game tonight."

His wife became furious and started to give him [beeep]. She said: "Just how could you do such a thing!?" He replied: "It was the hardest thing I ever done.... I had to fold with four aces."

[slonezp]

It was Saturday morning as Jake, an avid hunter, woke up raring to

go bag the first deer of the season. He walks down to the kitchen

to get a cup of coffee, and to his surprise he finds his blonde

wife, Alice, sitting there, fully dressed in camouflage.

Jake asks her, "What are you doing?"

Alice smiles, "I'm going hunting with you!"

Jake, knowing what his wife was like had many reservations about this, but reluctantly decides to take her along.

Three hours later they arrive at a game preserve just outside of

San Marcos, Texas. Jake sets his lovely wife safely up in the tree stand and tells her, "If you see a deer, take careful aim on it and I'll come running back as soon as I hear the shot."

Jake walks away with a smile on his face knowing that Alice

wouldn't be able to figure out how to fire a rifle, much less

shoot a deer.

Not 10 minutes passes when he is startled as he hears an array of

gunshots. Quickly, Jake starts running back. As Jake gets closer

to her stand, he hears Alice screaming, "Get the hell away from

my deer!"

Confused and frightened, Jake races faster towards his screaming

wife. And again he hears her yell, "Get the hell away from my deer!"

followed by another volley of gunfire!

Now within sight of where he had left his wife, Jake is surprised

to see a Texas game warden with his hands high in the air.

The game warden, obviously distraught, yelled, "Okay, lady! You

can have your d**n deer! Just let me get my saddle off it!"

[Traveler2586]

"Okay, lady! You can have your d**n deer! Just let me get my saddle off it!"

[Traveler2586]

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said,

"I'd like to buy some cyanide.

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he explained, "Lord have mercy! I

can't give you cyanide to kill your husband, that's against the law!

I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and said,

"You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

[moguy1973]

A proton, a neutron, and an electron walked into a bar and ordered a beer. The bartender asked for $4 from the proton and electron, but just slid a beer to the neutron. The proton and electron looked at each other and then at the neutron wondering why their beers cost. The neutron said "oh yeah, there's no charge for me!"

[Traveler2586]

A young executive is working late one evening. As he comes out of his office about 8 PM he sees the Big Boss standing by the shredder in the hallway, a piece

of paper in his hand.

"Do you know how to work this thing?" the older man asks. "My secretary’s gone home and I don’t know how to run it."

"Yes, sir," says the young executive, who turns on the machine, takes the paper from the other man, and feeds it in.

"Now," says his boss, "I just need the one copy."

[clayton86]

[Fishing Rhino]

Around here, it's the Portuguese who are most often joked about, so here we go.

Two brothers, Manny and Tony move to America from the Azores. They search the help wanted ads, and apply to one seeking truck drivers. There is an opening for two drivers on a long haul rig. Manny and Tony apply for the job, and go for an interview.

During the interview, the interviewer addresses Tony and asks him how he would handle this situation.

Tony, you've just come over the crest of a steep hill. As you head down the hill your brakes fail. At the bottom of a hill is a school that is letting the kids out. The street is full of kids and school buses. There is a railroad track just beyond the school with a slow moving freight train across the road. Your brother is sleeping in the berth behind you and you are gaining speed. What are you going to do?

Tony, scratching his head groans and says this is a tough one. Then he suddenly brightens up and says, "I'm gonna wake up my brother Manny. He's never seen an accident like this one."

[Redlinerobert]

A Little Christmas Story

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

Not a lot of people know this.

[Traveler2586]

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

[clayton86]

A business man was walking 

 

down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and 

 

shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for 

 

dinner.

 

The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, 

 

"If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of 

 

dinner?"

 

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man 

 

replied.

 

"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the 

 

man asked.

 

"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I 

 

need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."

 

"Will you spend this 

 

on green fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.

 

"Are 

 

you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20

 

years!"

 

"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you money. 

 

Instead, I'm going to take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked 

 

by my wife."

 

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be 

 

furious with you for doing that?"

 

The man replied, "Don't worry about 

 

that. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given 

 

up drinking, fishing and 

 

golf."

[clayton86]

A small church in Slidell, Louisiana had a very attractive big-busted organist, and her breasts were so large that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ. Unfortunately, she distracted the congregation considerably.

 

The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist.

 

So, one of the ladies approached her very discreetly about the problem, and told her to mash up some green persimmons and rub them on her nipples and over her breasts, which should cause them to shrink in size, but warned her not to taste any of the green persimmons, because they are so sour they will make your mouth pucker up, and you won't be able to talk properly

for awhile.

 

The voluptuous organist reluctantly agreed to try it.

 

The following Sunday morning the minister walked up to the pulpit and said....

 

Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol, we will not hab a thermon tewday

[BassinLou]

My dad sent me this one today.

 

A man breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a couple in bed. He orders the guy out of the bed and ties him to a chair.While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife, “Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants s£x, don't resist, don't complain...do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!”His wife responds, “He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too.”My dad sent me this one today: