Super User clayton86 Posted November 5, 2012 Super User Posted November 5, 2012 I just seen this on another site and seriously LOL'ed
Super User Nitrofreak Posted November 5, 2012 Super User Posted November 5, 2012 3 young teens walked into their local Wal-Mart today..............you think one of them would have seen it !!!
papajoe222 Posted November 6, 2012 Posted November 6, 2012 Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse- sized tazer. The effects of the tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....?? WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right? There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong? So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water... Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!' What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best....? I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, 'don't do it dipshit,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . . . HOLY MOTHER OF GOD ... WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION ... WHAT THE HELL!!! I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, and then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs? The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room. Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a tazer, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative? IT HURT LIKE HELL!!! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling. Apparently I pooped on myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return! P.S. My wife, can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it! If you think education is difficult, try being stupid.
Super User Nitrofreak Posted November 6, 2012 Super User Posted November 6, 2012 LMFAO !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OMG THAT IS HILARIOUS PAPPA JOE !!!!!!!!!!
Super User clayton86 Posted November 12, 2012 Super User Posted November 12, 2012 How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb? Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we’ve got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid light bulb? Border Collie: Just One. And then I'll replace ALL the wiring that's not up to code. Dachshund: You know I can't reach the stupid lamp. Rottweiler: Make Me. Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark. Lab: Oh Me, me, me, PUHLEEEEEEEEZE let me change the light bulb. Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I, PUHLEEEEEEEEZE, PLEASE PLEASE? German Shepherd: I'll change it as soon as I've led these people from the dark, check to make sure I haven't missed any, and make one more perimeter patrol to see that no one has tried to take advantage of the situation. Jack Russell: I'll just pop it in while I am bouncing off the walls. Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark. Chihuahua: Yo Quiero Taco Bulb. Pointer: I see it, there it is, there it is, right there--RIGHT THERE Greyhound: It isn't moving, who cares? Australian Shepherd: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle. Basset Hound: I've got the bulb! Chase me for it or give me a dog biscuit in trade! Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear, and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry. Terrier: Let me bark at it for a while to see if it really needs changing.
Traveler2586 Posted November 12, 2012 Author Posted November 12, 2012 Dang, that's a ruff joke....... 1
Super User slonezp Posted November 12, 2012 Super User Posted November 12, 2012 Dang, that's a ruff joke....... Took 20 pages but I think you finally killed this thread
Traveler2586 Posted November 12, 2012 Author Posted November 12, 2012 Took 20 pages but I think you finally killed this thread Naw, I see it has you wagging your tail..... Soft puppy, warm puppy, Little ball of fur. Happy puppy, sleepy puppy, Ruff ruff ruff.
Super User slonezp Posted November 12, 2012 Super User Posted November 12, 2012 Penny singing that is soothing. You on the otherhand.....
Super User slonezp Posted November 14, 2012 Super User Posted November 14, 2012 The Black Bra (as told by a woman) I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends. One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+ years. We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door Wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes.. Here's how it all went. My engaged friend : The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams. I love you..' Then we made passionate love all night long. The mistress: Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and Mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night. Then I had to share my story: When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, Black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. When he came in the door and saw me he said, (You'll love this) "What's for dinner, Zorro?" 1
Super User A-Jay Posted November 14, 2012 Super User Posted November 14, 2012 ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ L O L ! ! Right Out Loud ! A-Jay
Traveler2586 Posted November 14, 2012 Author Posted November 14, 2012 "What's for dinner, Zorro?" If it was me, I would have said.... Many years ago, a friend told me on Xmas eve after placing gifts under the tree for the kids, his wife call to him from the top of the stairs, he looked up to see her wearing nothing but the new PFD he wanted, he watched as she slowly descended the stairs and when she got close to him he removed the PFD and.......... put it on, looking it over carefully in front of a mirror, saying "thanks honey that was just what I wanted for Xmas". He told me this as we were fishing and I laughed so hard I almost fell out of the boat.
Super User clayton86 Posted November 15, 2012 Super User Posted November 15, 2012 An old man was asked, "At your ripe old age, what do you prefer to get - Parkinson's or Alzheimer's?" The wise one answered, "Definitely Parkinson's. Better to spill half an ounce of Jack Daniels, than to forget where you keep the bottle!!" 1
Super User slonezp Posted November 21, 2012 Super User Posted November 21, 2012 A new Marine Captain was assigned to an outfit in a remote post in the Afghanistan Desert . During his first inspection of the outfit, he noticed a Camel hitched up behind the mess tent. He asks the Sergeant why the camel is kept there. The nervous sergeant said, 'Well sir, as you know, there are 250 men here on the post and no women. And sir, sometimes the men have 'urges'. That's why we have Molly The Camel.' The Captain says, 'I can't say that I condone this, but I understand about 'urges', so the camel can stay.' About a month later, the Captain starts having his own 'urges'. Crazy with passion, he asks the Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent. Putting a ladder behind the camel, the Captain stands on the ladder, pulls his pants down and has wild, insane sex with the camel. When he's done, he asks the Sergeant,'Is that how the men do it?' 'Not really, sir..They usually just ride the camel into town...... where the girls are.' 1
Traveler2586 Posted November 21, 2012 Author Posted November 21, 2012 'Not really, sir..They usually just ride the camel into town...... where the girls are.'
Super User Bankbeater Posted November 21, 2012 Super User Posted November 21, 2012 HAHA That was good!!
Super User A-Jay Posted November 21, 2012 Super User Posted November 21, 2012 A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little gray hair he had left. "Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-94, pushing the pedal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this," and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival. Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch, and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go." The old gentleman paused. Then he said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a State trooper. I thought you were bringing her back." "Have a good day, sir," replied the trooper. A-Jay 2
Super User clayton86 Posted November 21, 2012 Super User Posted November 21, 2012 "Years ago, my wife ran off with a State trooper. I thought you were bringing her back." "Have a good day, sir," replied the trooper. A-Jay haha
Super User slonezp Posted November 21, 2012 Super User Posted November 21, 2012 Cletus is passing by Billy Bob's hay barn one day when, through a gap in the door, he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old green John Deere. Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette, and gently slides off first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left. He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, lets his overalls fall down to his hips, revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt. Then, grabbing both sides of his shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his stained T-shirt underneath. With a final flourish, he tears the T-shirt from his body, and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay. Having seen enough, Cletus rushes in and says, "What the world're ya doing, Billy Bob?" "Good grief, Cletus, ya scared the bejeebers out of me," says an obviously embarrassed Billy Bob. "But me 'n the wife been havin trouble lately in the bedroom d'partment, and the therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor." 2
Super User A-Jay Posted November 24, 2012 Super User Posted November 24, 2012 Stimpy was driving solo across the country from Connecticut to California. He was making good time by driving during the day and sleeping at night. The first night he had slept in his car but woke up stiff and unrested in the morning. So this next night he decided to get a motel room instead. So right before dark somewhere in the middle of Kansas, Stimpy pull off the Inter-State looking for a room for the night. It was mid-July and a very hot night to say the least. There was only one motel in this particular town and as he pulled in he could already see the "No Vacancy" sign was lit. Not wanting to spend another night in his car, Stimpy went inside anyway hoping for the best. The little man behind the counter confirmed that all the regular rooms were taken, but there was one small room down in the basement he would let Stimpy stay in "If he didn't mind the thousands of Flies" that filled this particular room. Stimpy thought about it for a second and then said gladly "I'll take it." The next morning Stimpy came up to the lobby and the man was there again behind the desk. Stimpy, looking bright eyed and bushy tailed, smiled and greeted the man. To which the the man asked "How'd ya Sleep?" Stimpy replied "Fine". "Even with all those Flies buzzing all around in there?" the man asked in disbelief. "Yup" Stimpy responded proudly. Then he added "I Bunched them". "Bunched them - what's that mean ?" the man inquired. To which Stimpy replied "I pooped in the Corner" . . . . . . . A-Jay
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