Super User slonezp Posted October 2, 2012 Super User Posted October 2, 2012 > An old man walks into the barbershop for shave and a haircut, but he tells > the > barber he probably can't get all of his whiskers off because his cheeks are > wrinkled from age. > The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells him > to put it inside his > cheek to spread out the skin. > When he's finished, the old man tells the barber that was the cleanest shave > he's had in years. > But he wanted to know what would have happened if he had swallowed that > little ball. > The barber replied, "Just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone > else does."
Super User clayton86 Posted October 2, 2012 Super User Posted October 2, 2012 > > A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event > hosted by a local liberal arts college. > There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in > attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for > conversation. > > "Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is > something bothering you?" > > "Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature." > > The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It > looks like you have seen a lot of action." > > "Yes, ma'am, a lot of action." > > The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, > "You know, you should lighten up. Relax and enjoy yourself." > > The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. > > Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this > the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?" > > "1955, ma'am." > > "Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to > chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him > to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times. > > Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and > said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955." > > The Sergeant Major said, after glancing at his watch, "I hope not; > it's only 2130 now." Why couldn't you have posted this one sooner! The Sgt Major of the army was here yesterday some guys had dinner with him and he came around to all the towers and posts to inspect them. I could a tweaked it from marine to army when he came by my post yesterday. Except SMA Chandler isn't serious he was actually really laid back other then he despises tattoo's visible in uniform.
Traveler2586 Posted October 2, 2012 Author Posted October 2, 2012 "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955." The Sergeant Major said, after glancing at his watch, "I hope not; it's only 2130 now."
Traveler2586 Posted October 2, 2012 Author Posted October 2, 2012 "Just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does." OMG, LMAO
Super User slonezp Posted October 3, 2012 Super User Posted October 3, 2012 Osama Bin Laden was living with 3 wives in one compound and never left the house for 5 years. It is now believed he called the Navy Seals himself. 1
moguy1973 Posted October 3, 2012 Posted October 3, 2012 Outback Steakhouse has started having Star War themed menu items and one of the things is a Wookie Steak. They must not be cooking them properly though because they are always a little chewy.
moguy1973 Posted October 3, 2012 Posted October 3, 2012 Q: What was the first thing the cannibal did when he dumped his girlfriend? A: Wiped
Super User Long Mike Posted October 3, 2012 Super User Posted October 3, 2012 Outback Steakhouse has started having Star War themed menu items and one of the things is a Wookie Steak. They must not be cooking them properly though because they are always a little chewy. GROAN!
Super User clayton86 Posted October 7, 2012 Super User Posted October 7, 2012 Traveler we remade that pumpkin and whole scene for the schools pumpkin carving contest everyone loved it we got the most votes but the reigning champ from the previous 5years threw a fit his lost and complained it wasn't appropriate and we were DQ'd and his air brushed family guy one won oh well lol.
Super User Bankbeater Posted October 10, 2012 Super User Posted October 10, 2012 The more disturbing thing about this pic is I really, really, like Pumpkin pies. And my family wonders why I don't like pumpkin pies.
Super User roadwarrior Posted October 19, 2012 Super User Posted October 19, 2012 Moderator Edit: No politics ladies and gentlemen. -Kent a.k.a. roadwarrior Global Moderator
Super User clayton86 Posted October 19, 2012 Super User Posted October 19, 2012 A guy came into a local bar leading a small dog on a leash. All of a sudden he snatched the dog off it's feet and spun it around in the air. Then he sat down, placing the dog on his lap and ordered a drink. When the bartender came back with the drink he sat it down in front of the stranger. "I saw what you just did with that poor dog," he said. "Why would you do such a thing." "Why wouldn't I", he replied. "I'm blind, and I have never been in here, so I was taking a look around."
Super User clayton86 Posted October 19, 2012 Super User Posted October 19, 2012 Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego , was visiting her in-laws and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Later, her husband noticed her sitting in her car in the driveway with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head. He became concerned and walked over to the car.. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she had been shot in the back of the head and had been holding her brains in for over an hour. The husband called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains..
Super User clayton86 Posted October 19, 2012 Super User Posted October 19, 2012 I was in a bar the other night, I know, hard to believe. There were two very large ladies playing a game of darts next to me. I overheard their conversation and noticed an accent. I asked politely " Excuse me ladies is that accent English?' One replied sharply , "It's Wales" I said "OK Whales, is that accent English? Next thing I know I'm trying to explain to the EMT how I got all busted up.
Super User clayton86 Posted October 19, 2012 Super User Posted October 19, 2012 Two men are driving through Texas when they get pulled over by a State Trooper. The cop walks up and taps on the window with his nightstick. The driver rolls down the window and WHACK, the cop smacks him in the head with the stick. The driver asks, “What the [beeep] was that for?” The cop answers, “You’re in Texas son. When we pull you over, you better have your license ready when we get to your car.” The driver says, “I’m sorry, Officer, I’m not from around here.” The cop runs a check on the guy’s license, and he’s clean. He gives the guy his license back, walks around to the passenger side, and taps on the window. The passenger rolls down the window and WHACK, the cop smacks him on the head with the nightstick. The passenger asks, “What’d you do that for, sir?” The cop says, “Just makin' your wish come true, son.” The passenger asks, “Making what wish come true?” The cop says, “I know that two miles down the road you were gonna to say to your buddy, “I wish he woulda tried that crap with me!”
Super User clayton86 Posted October 19, 2012 Super User Posted October 19, 2012 A farmer drove to a neighbor's farmhouse and knocked at the door. A boy, about 9, opened the door. "Is your dad or mom home?" said the farmer. "No, they went to town." "How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?" "No, he went with Mom and Dad." The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, and mumbling to himself. Then the boy said, "I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give Dad a message." "Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter Suzy pregnant". The boy thought for a moment... "You would have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the pig, but I don't know how much he charges for Howard."
Traveler2586 Posted October 19, 2012 Author Posted October 19, 2012 "Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter Suzy pregnant". The boy thought for a moment... "You would have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the pig, but I don't know how much he charges for Howard."
kylek Posted October 30, 2012 Posted October 30, 2012 Connie and Stosh are standing on the 18th tee at their Polish Country Club. They are the final twosome in the Polish Country Club Championship and are tied for the lead. The 18th hole is a beautiful par four with a deep valley descending down to a dogleg right. Both Connie and Stosh hit long, straight tee shots which disappear down into the valley. A short time later, the fore caddie appears at the top of the hill and announces that both balls are within a foot of each other, but there's a problem. Both of the golf balls are Titleist #4s. Connie and Stosh look at each other and realize that they had not informed each other as to what kind of ball they were playing, nor its number. They quickly descend into the valley and, sure enough, their twoTitleist golf balls are right next to each at the bottom of the valley in the middle of the fairway. Stosh looks at Connie and says, "We had better get a ruling from a tournament official to straighten this out." "This is the Polish Country Club Championship and we don't want to be disqualified for making a mistake and hitting the wrong ball." "After all, we are tied for the lead." Soon after, a rules official appears and examines the two #4 Titleist golf balls. He then looks up at Connie and Stosh and says, "Which one of you is playing the orange ball."
kylek Posted October 30, 2012 Posted October 30, 2012 Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken." She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed. My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much. I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again. The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was. I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken. She sent me back to the principal's office. He laughed, and told me not to do it again. I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am. Today, my teacher asked me to tell her what famous person I admired most. I told her, "Colonel Sanders." Guess where I am now...
Super User slonezp Posted November 2, 2012 Super User Posted November 2, 2012 When chemists die, they barium. Jokes about German sausage are the wurst. I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any tim e. How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me. This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore. I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down. I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words. They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O. PMS jokes aren't funny... period. Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations. We're going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz. I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me. Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils? When you get a bladder infection urine trouble. Broken pencils are pointless. I tried to catch some fog, but I mist. What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus. England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool . I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest. I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx. All the toilets in New York 's police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on. I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough. Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes. Velcro - what a rip off! A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy. Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!
Super User clayton86 Posted November 3, 2012 Super User Posted November 3, 2012 At dawn the telephone rings, "Hello, Senor Rod? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house." "Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?" "Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Rod, that your parrot, he is dead." "My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?" "Si', Senor, that's the one." "Oh My! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?" "From eating the rotten meat, Senor Rod." "Rotten meat? Who the heck fed him rotten meat?" "Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse." "Dead horse? What dead horse?" "The thoroughbred, Senor Rod." "My prize thoroughbred is dead?" "Si', Senor Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart." "Are you insane? What water cart?" "The one we used to put out the fire, Senor." "Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?" "The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire." "What the ... ? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle?!" "Si', Senor Rod." "But there's electricity at the house! What was the candle for?" "For the funeral, Senor Rod." "WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!" "Your wife's, Senor Rod." She showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief, so I shot her with your new Kreighoff Limited Edition Custom Gold Engraved Trap Special with the custom Wenig Exhibition Grade Stock. SILENCE ... LONG SILENCE ... VERY LONG SILENCE. "Ernesto, if you scratched that shotgun, you're in deep s#$%." 2
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