Super User Bassn Blvd Posted August 23, 2012 Super User Posted August 23, 2012 " the zipper " In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman wearing a tight leather skirt was waiting for a bus. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus. Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step. Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step. About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus. She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and screeched, 'How dare you touch my body! I don't even know you!' The Texan smiled and drawled, 'Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we were friends.' 4
Traveler2586 Posted August 23, 2012 Author Posted August 23, 2012 "I kinda figured that we were friends."
Traveler2586 Posted August 23, 2012 Author Posted August 23, 2012 A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath. "Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet." He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?" Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles in the other. She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine." The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very closely: Are - my - test - results - back?" 2
Super User roadwarrior Posted August 23, 2012 Super User Posted August 23, 2012 Five Rules For Men To Follow For A Happy Life 1. It's important to have a women who helps at home, cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job. 2. It's important to have a women who can make you laugh. 3. It's important to have a woman whom you can trust and doesn't lie to you. 4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed and likes to be with you. 5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other or you could end up dead like me. 2
Super User slonezp Posted August 24, 2012 Super User Posted August 24, 2012 One day a man decided to retire... He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank. He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts. After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore. In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?" She replies, "I rowed over from the other side of the island where I landed when my cruise ship sank." "Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you." "Oh, this thing?" explains the woman. "I made the boat out of some raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm tree branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree." "But, where did you get the tools?" "Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron and I used that to make tools and used the tools to make the hardware." The guy is stunned. "Let's row over to my place," she says "and I'll give you a tour." So, after a short time of rowing, she soon docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is a long stone walk leading to a Cabin and tree house. While the woman ties up the row boat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Please sit down." "Would you like a drink?" "No! No thank you," the man blurts out, still dazed. "I can't take another drop of coconut juice." "Oh it's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I have a still. How would you like a Tropical Spritz?" Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they exchange their individual survival stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There's a razor in the bathroom cabinet upstairs." No longer questioning anything, the man goes upstairs into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet is a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism. "This woman is amazing," he muses. "What's next?" When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but some small flowers on tiny vines, each strategically positioned, she smelled faintly of gardenias. She then beckons for him to sit down next to her. "Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've both been out here for many months. You must have been lonely. When was the last time you played around? She stares into his eyes. He can't believe what he's hearing. "You mean..." he swallows excitedly as tears start to form in his eyes, ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! "You've built a Golf Course?"
Bass Slayer 72 Posted August 24, 2012 Posted August 24, 2012 A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey starts jumping all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole. The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says, "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" says the bartender. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He eats everything in sight, the little twerp. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves. Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" "Now what?" asks the patron. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeeper. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that d**n cue ball he measures everything first!"
Super User slonezp Posted August 24, 2012 Super User Posted August 24, 2012 A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey starts jumping all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole. The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says, "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" says the bartender. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He eats everything in sight, the little twerp. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves. Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" "Now what?" asks the patron. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeeper. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that d**n cue ball he measures everything first!" Best one so far
Traveler2586 Posted August 28, 2012 Author Posted August 28, 2012 LMAO big time,, He's sleeping on the couch tonight
Super User slonezp Posted August 28, 2012 Super User Posted August 28, 2012 That's awsome clayton Last night on a plane back home from Dallas to Tyler, I was sitting with a friend I've known for many years, talking about church and a whole lot of political things. Being a US Congressman, Louie visits a lot of different churches in the area throughout the year and he told me of what happened in a local church on this past Easter that made me roll with laughter, to the point of tears. The pastor of this Baptist church had called all of the little children to the front of the church, dressed in their cute Easter outfits and had them sit around him. He said "Today is Easter and you all look so handsome and beautiful. Today we're going to talk about the resurrection. Does anyone know what the resurrection is?" One little boy raised his hand, and the pastor said "Please tell us what the resurrection is". The boy, proud that he knew the answer, said in a clear loud voice "When you get one lasting more than four hours, you gotta call a doctor!"
Traveler2586 Posted August 28, 2012 Author Posted August 28, 2012 you gotta call a doctor!" LOL, LOL,, thanks I needed that today.
Super User Raider Nation Fisher Posted August 28, 2012 Super User Posted August 28, 2012 A red neck is sitting in a bar, and strikes up a conversation with a gorgeous woman. After talking for a while the man asks if the woman would like to head back to his place for some fun. The lady gets all haughty, and points out to the parking lot and says you see that red ferrari out there? Well you have to have one of those if your gonna take me home. As well 100grand in your bank account and 12ins. below the belt. The red neck looks at the woman with a disgusted look on his face and says, "You see that black Lamborghini in the parking lot?" "Well that's mine so why would I need a Ferrari?" He then reaches in his pocket and pulls out 500grand and says, "I keep 500grand in my pocket, my bank account has 5 mil. in it." Then he looks the awe struck woman dead in the eye and says, "Your not even worth my time cause I ain't cutting four inches off for you or anyone else."
_Coelacanth_ Posted August 29, 2012 Posted August 29, 2012 For all of her married life, Stella's husband was a real tight-wad. He never wanted to spend money on anything unless it was absolutely necessary, and even then, he would do so grudgingly. When her husband became terminally ill, and was on his deathbed, he asked Stella to make him a promise. "Stella, I want you to promise me that when I'm gone, you will put all the money I worked so hard to save in the casket with me. I've set up a separate bank account for you with enough to provide for your basic necessities, but all the rest in our joint account, I want to take with me. I earned it, and I should be able to keep it!" Stella promised she would do as he asked. At peace, her husband passed away. At the funeral, the pastor had finished the ceremony and was getting ready to close the casket when Stella cried out, "Wait just a moment, please!". She approached the casket with a box, placed it inside, told the pastor he could proceed and then went and sat back down next to her best friend. Stella's friend, who had been told about the promise asked in disbelief, "Stella! Did you really just do what I think you did? Did you really put all of his money in the casket with him?" Stella replied, "I'm a good Christian woman. I've always done what he asked of me, and I'm not about to start breaking my promises now! So I took all the money out of our joint account like he asked. Then I put it in my account and wrote him a check. If he really wants that money, he'll cash it!" 1
Traveler2586 Posted August 29, 2012 Author Posted August 29, 2012 A letter from Grandma: (Grandma is eighty eight years old and still drives her own car.) She writes: Dear Grand-daughter, The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a 'Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker . I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting. So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper. Boy, am I glad I did; what an uplifting experience that followed. I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed. I found that lots of people love Jesus! While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, 'For the love of God!' 'Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!' What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus! Everyone started honking! I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love! There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach. I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. I asked my young grandson in the back seat what that meant. He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something. Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign right back. My grandson burst out laughing. Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!! A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed. So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove on through the intersection. I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared. So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!! Will write again soon, Love, Grandma
Traveler2586 Posted September 26, 2012 Author Posted September 26, 2012 "Politicians are much like diapers, they should be changed frequently, and for the same reasons" - Robin Williams.... now,,, tell me the name of the movie
Super User slonezp Posted September 27, 2012 Super User Posted September 27, 2012 Three surgeons were discussing what type of patient is the easiest to operate on. The first surgeon said he prefers electricians because everything is labelled and color coded. The second disagreed stating librarians are easier because everthing is in alphabetical order The third surgeon won the arguement by stating politicians made the best patients: they have no brains, no heart, no spine, no balls, no guts and their head and ass are interchangeable. The doctors concurred with his findings.
Super User A-Jay Posted September 27, 2012 Super User Posted September 27, 2012 "Politicians are much like diapers, they should be changed frequently, and for the same reasons" - Robin Williams.... now,,, tell me the name of the movie Man of the Year ~ A-Jay
Traveler2586 Posted September 27, 2012 Author Posted September 27, 2012 Man of the Year ~ A-Jay And A-Jay is the winner; come to Lake Pickwick for the 2013 Road Trip and I'll buy you a beer! 1
Super User A-Jay Posted September 27, 2012 Super User Posted September 27, 2012 And A-Jay is the winner; come to Lake Pickwick for the 2013 Road Trip and I'll buy you a beer! Sounds Good A-Jay
Bean Counter Posted September 27, 2012 Posted September 27, 2012 an elderly couple were sitting in church when the man leaned over to this wife & said "honey i just let one of thoise silent farts, what should I do." she replied " turn up your hearing aid." 1
Bean Counter Posted September 27, 2012 Posted September 27, 2012 What is the difference between a lawyer and a catfish? One is a bottom feeding scum sucker and the other is a fish.
Super User slonezp Posted September 28, 2012 Super User Posted September 28, 2012 I saw a one legged terrorist with no arms at the ATM today. He asked me to check his balance, so I pushed the !%$@ over .....
Traveler2586 Posted September 28, 2012 Author Posted September 28, 2012 I saw a one legged terrorist with no arms at the ATM today. He asked me to check his balance, so I pushed the !%$@ over ..... You would.....
Super User slonezp Posted October 2, 2012 Super User Posted October 2, 2012 > > A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event > hosted by a local liberal arts college. > There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in > attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for > conversation. > > "Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is > something bothering you?" > > "Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature." > > The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It > looks like you have seen a lot of action." > > "Yes, ma'am, a lot of action." > > The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, > "You know, you should lighten up. Relax and enjoy yourself." > > The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. > > Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this > the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?" > > "1955, ma'am." > > "Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to > chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him > to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times. > > Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and > said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955." > > The Sergeant Major said, after glancing at his watch, "I hope not; > it's only 2130 now." 1
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