Super User gardnerjigman Posted February 3, 2015 Super User Posted February 3, 2015 That's fantastic Sam! lol
Super User slonezp Posted February 4, 2015 Super User Posted February 4, 2015 Sven and Ole worked together in a Mineesoota factory.....and both were laid off. So...dey went to the Unemployment Office togedder. Asked his occupation, Ole said, "Panty Stitcher. I sew da elastic onto da ladies cotton panties." The clerk looked up Panty Stitcher. Finding it classified as unskilled labor, she gave Ole $300 a week in unemployment compensation. Sven, when asked his occupation replied, "Diesel Fitter". The clerk looked up Diesel Fitter...and it was classified as a skilled job. So, the clerk gave Sven $600 a week in unemployment compensation. When Ole found this out, he was furious! He stormed back into the office to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his benefits. The clerk explained,"Panty Stitchers are unskilled labor and Diesel Fitters are skilled labor." "Vat skill? yelled Ole. "I sew da elastic on da panties. Sven puts dem over his head and says, "Yah, ------------- DIESEL FITTER". 3
Super User Sam Posted February 4, 2015 Super User Posted February 4, 2015 Redline, now that is just plain funny.
Super User Dwight Hottle Posted February 4, 2015 Super User Posted February 4, 2015 A possible classic.None of his classmates liked him cause of his stupidity, especially his teacher, who was always yelling at him, "You’re driving me mad, Tyrone".One day Tyrone 's mom came to school to check on how he was doing. The teacher told his mom honestly, that her son was simply a disaster, getting very low marks, and never had she seen such a dumb boy in her entire teaching career.The mom was shocked at the feedback and withdrew her son from school and moved out of Detroit, relocating to Cleveland. .25 years later, the teacher was diagnosed with an incurable cardio disease. All the doctors strongly advised her to have heart surgery, which only one surgeon could perform.Left with no other options, the teacher decided to have the operation, which was successful. When she opened her eyes after the surgery she saw a handsome doctor smiling down at her.She wanted to thank him, but could not talk. Her face started to turn blue, she raised her hand, trying to tell him something but eventually died.The doctor was shocked and was trying to work out what went wrong, when he turned around he saw our friend Tyrone, working as a cleaner in the clinic, who had unplugged the oxygen equipment in order to connect his vacuum cleaner!Don't tell me you thought Tyrone became a heart-surgeon. 3
Super User Redlinerobert Posted February 7, 2015 Super User Posted February 7, 2015 I love the internet. http://www.sadanduseless.com/2013/10/scarlett-johansson-meme/#8Wyz3yx6X9fSypDh.01
Traveler2586 Posted February 8, 2015 Author Posted February 8, 2015 This may have been posted, but a search failed to find it..... So this rich guy takes his new dog hunting with his rich palsHe lets the dog go, and the dog stops and stomps his paw 3 times Sure enough, 3 birds fly out of the bush Then the dog goes further, stops, and stomps his paw 4 times.. Sure enough, 4 birds fly out of the bush The dog does this all day, and when it was all over, one of the rich hunters says..I have to have that dog.. How much?The owner thinks and says, 50K!The guy takes out his check book and buys the dog on the spot. Next Sunday he wants to show his new dog off to his other friends He takes the dog out,, and the dog stops..Then the dog runs over and starts humping the new owners legThen the dog runs over and picks up a stick and shakes it around The new owner tries and tries again and the dog does the same thing Everyone is laughing at the new owner for spending 50K on the crazy dog Finally, the new owner takes the dog back and demands a refund. He tells the previous owner.. "I sent this dog out and all he does is hump my leg and shake a stick....I want my money back, you cheated me" The previous owner says.."You big dummy, the dog is saying there are more frikin birds out there than you can shake a stick at" 2
Super User Sam Posted February 9, 2015 Super User Posted February 9, 2015 Young citizens beware… Some day you will be there… ROMANCE Barb was lying in bed one night. Al was falling asleep but Barb was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk. She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting." Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep. A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me.” Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep. Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my Neck." Angrily, Al threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed. "Where are you going?" Barb asked. "To get my teeth!" DOWN AT THE RETIREMENT CENTER 80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home.She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces, "Anyone who canguess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!!" An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?" Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough." OLD FRIENDS Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years,they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, theiractivities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to playcards. One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other andsaid, "Now don't get mad at me... I know we've been friends for a longtime but I just can't think of your name. I've thought and thought,but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is." Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just staredand glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?" SENIOR DRIVING As a senior citizen was driving down the motorway, his car phonerang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Vernon, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrongway on I-25. Please be careful!" "Darn," said Vernon, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!" SUPERSEX A little old lady who had lost her marbles was running up and down thehalls in a nursing home. As she ran, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say "Supersex." She ran up to an elderly professional bass fisherman in a wheelchair, flipping her gown athim, she said, "Supersex." He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup." DRIVING Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barelysee over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came tomajor crossroad. The stop light was red, but they just went onthrough. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losingit. I could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a fewmore minutes, they came to another major junction and the light wasred again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passengerseat was almost sure that the light had been red but was reallyconcerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous.At the next junction, sure enough, the light was red and they went onthrough. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did youknow that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You couldhave killed us both!" Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh! Am I driving?" 4
Traveler2586 Posted February 9, 2015 Author Posted February 9, 2015 LOL, Sam you could have gotten a lot of posts out of that... It's a good one.
Traveler2586 Posted February 9, 2015 Author Posted February 9, 2015 A man in the Safeway Store in Texas tries to buy half a head of lettuce.The very young produce assistant tells him that they sell only whole heads of lettuce.The man persists and asks to see the manager. The boy says he'll ask his manager about it.Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, ' Some SOB wants to buy half a head of lettuce.' As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, 'And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half.'The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.Later the manager said to the boy, 'I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?''Canada, sir,' the boy replied.'Well, why did you leave Canada?' the manager asked.The boy said, 'Sir, there's nothing but whores and hockey players up there.''Really?' said the manager. 'My wife is from Canada.''No sh*#t?' replied the boy. 'Who'd she play for?' 5
Super User Dwight Hottle Posted February 9, 2015 Super User Posted February 9, 2015 A man and woman were married for many years. Whenever there was a confrontation, yelling could be heard deep into the night. The old man would shout, "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"Neighbors feared him. The old man liked the fact that he was feared. Then one evening, he died when he was 98. After the burial, her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, "Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way out of the grave and haunt you for the rest of your life?"(HERE IT COMES!!!)The wife said, "Let him dig. I had him buried upside down, and I know he won't ask for directions." 7
Traveler2586 Posted February 10, 2015 Author Posted February 10, 2015 I was drinking at the bar last night, so I took a bus home... That may not be a big deal to you, but I've never driven a bus before. 3
Super User slonezp Posted February 10, 2015 Super User Posted February 10, 2015 You hear about the kidnapping at the day care down the street? He woke up an hour later. 3
Super User RoLo Posted February 10, 2015 Super User Posted February 10, 2015 There are two ways to win an argument…but neither works. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ If you think there’s good in everybody, you haven’t met everybody --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- To select ‘Yes’ – Press ANY key | To select ‘No’ – Press any other key -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way you’ll be a mile away, and you’ll have their shoes too. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- When a man talks dirty to a woman, it’s ‘sexual harassment’ When a woman talks dirty to a man, it’s “$3 Per Minute” ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- If you lend someone $5 and never see that person again, you got your money’s worth. Roger 4
Super User Dwight Hottle Posted February 10, 2015 Super User Posted February 10, 2015 You hear about the kidnapping at the day care down the street? He woke up an hour later. Took me a second. 3
Super User Senko lover Posted February 11, 2015 Super User Posted February 11, 2015 As if you didn't mind a "young intrusion" on this thread enough, I decided to make fun of failing memories. A few old couples used to get together to talk about life and to have a good time. One day one of the men, Harry, started talking about this fantastic restaurant he went to the other night with his wife. “Really?”, one of the men said, "what’s it called?" After thinking for a few seconds the Harry said, “what are those good smelling flowers called again?” “Do you mean a rose? the first man questioned. “Yes that’s it,” he exclaimed. Looking over at his wife he said, “Rose what’s that restaurant we went to the other night?” 1
Super User Sam Posted February 12, 2015 Super User Posted February 12, 2015 Senko, when I die I want to shout out as my last words..."I left a million dollars under the ......................" 1
Super User Lund Explorer Posted February 12, 2015 Super User Posted February 12, 2015 Senko, when I die I want to shout out as my last words..."I left a million dollars under the ......................" That reminds me of another oldie but goodie. "When I die I want to go in my sleep like my grandpa.... And not screaming like his three passengers did!" 2
Smokinal Posted February 13, 2015 Posted February 13, 2015 Little Timmy was in class one day and just blurted out "I gotta take a leak!" The teacher said, "Now Timmy, that's not how we ask to use the restroom. If you can think of a nice way to use the word "urinate" in a sentence, you may go use the restroom." Timmy thinks for a second and says, "Urinate; but if you had a bigger rack you'd be a 10 ." 3
Catch 22 Posted February 13, 2015 Posted February 13, 2015 A fellow and wife were touring the mid west. At an Indian reservation the man sees an old Indian chief sitting on a blanket with a sign in front of him that said "I remember everything" So the guy thinks a bit and says "what did you have for breakfast on this date 3 years ago.The chief answered eggs. Just then the wife said they have to leave. 4 years later the the couple visited the reservation again. He looked around til he found the chief and said"how" The chief rubbed his chin a bit and said "scrambled" 1
Super User Dwight Hottle Posted February 14, 2015 Super User Posted February 14, 2015 After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in his seat and closed his eyes. As the train rolled out of the station, a womansitting next to him pulled out her cell phone.She started talking in a loud voice: "Hi sweetheart. It's Sue. I'm on the train". "Yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty train, but I had a long meeting". "No, honey, not with that Kevin from the accounting office. It was with the boss". "No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life". "Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart!" Fifteen minutes later, she was still talking loudly. When the man sitting next to her had enough. . . he leaned over and said into her phone, "Sue, hang up that bloody phone and come back to bed." Sue doesn't use her cell phone in public any more. 5
baluga Posted February 15, 2015 Posted February 15, 2015 A friend told me he was going to take a Polish vacation......7 days and 3 nights.
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