Traveler2586 Posted January 27, 2015 Author Posted January 27, 2015 For those of you in the Northeast...... Cold WinterThe Indians asked their Chief in Autumn if the Winter was going to be cold or not. Not really knowing an answer, the chief replies that the Winter was going to be cold with lots of snow and that the members of the village were to collect wood to be prepared.Being a good leader, he then went to the next phone booth and called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is this winter to be cold?"The man on the phone responded, "This Winter is going to be quite cold indeed."So the Chief went back to speed up his people to collect even more wood to be prepared. A week later he called the National Weather Service again, "Is it going to be a very cold winter?""Yes", the man replied, "it's going to be a very cold Winter."So the Chief goes back to his people and orders them to go and find every scrap of wood they can find. Two weeks later he calls the National Weather Service again: "Are you absolutely sure that the Winter is going to be very cold?""Absolutely," the man replies, "the Indians are collecting wood like crazy!" 2
Traveler2586 Posted January 28, 2015 Author Posted January 28, 2015 Snow PlowA blonde driving a car became lost in a snowstorm. She didn't panic however, because she remembered what her dad had once told her. "If you ever get stuck in a snowstorm, just wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it."Sure enough, pretty soon a snow plow came by, and she started to follow it. She followed the plow for about forty-five minutes. Finally the driver of the truck got out and asked her what she was doing. And she explained that her dad had told her if she ever got stuck in a snow storm, to follow a plow.The driver nodded and said, "Well, I'm done with the Wal-Mart parking lot, do you want to follow me over to Best Buy now?" 1
Traveler2586 Posted January 28, 2015 Author Posted January 28, 2015 Snow PlowA blonde driving a car became lost in a snowstorm. She didn't panic however, because she remembered what her dad had once told her. "If you ever get stuck in a snowstorm, just wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it."Sure enough, pretty soon a snow plow came by, and she started to follow it. She followed the plow for about forty-five minutes. Finally the driver of the truck got out and asked her what she was doing. And she explained that her dad had told her if she ever got stuck in a snow storm, to follow a plow.The driver nodded and said, "Well, I'm done with the Wal-Mart parking lot, do you want to follow me over to Best Buy now?"
Traveler2586 Posted January 28, 2015 Author Posted January 28, 2015 Snow PlowA blonde driving a car became lost in a snowstorm. She didn't panic however, because she remembered what her dad had once told her. "If you ever get stuck in a snowstorm, just wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it."Sure enough, pretty soon a snow plow came by, and she started to follow it. She followed the plow for about forty-five minutes. Finally the driver of the truck got out and asked her what she was doing. And she explained that her dad had told her if she ever got stuck in a snow storm, to follow a plow.The driver nodded and said, "Well, I'm done with the Wal-Mart parking lot, do you want to follow me over to Best Buy now?"
Super User A-Jay Posted January 28, 2015 Super User Posted January 28, 2015 Snow Plow A blonde driving a car became lost in a snowstorm. She didn't panic however, because she remembered what her dad had once told her. "If you ever get stuck in a snowstorm, just wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it." Sure enough, pretty soon a snow plow came by, and she started to follow it. She followed the plow for about forty-five minutes. Finally the driver of the truck got out and asked her what she was doing. And she explained that her dad had told her if she ever got stuck in a snow storm, to follow a plow. The driver nodded and said, "Well, I'm done with the Wal-Mart parking lot, do you want to follow me over to Best Buy now?" Snow Plow A blonde driving a car became lost in a snowstorm. She didn't panic however, because she remembered what her dad had once told her. "If you ever get stuck in a snowstorm, just wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it." Sure enough, pretty soon a snow plow came by, and she started to follow it. She followed the plow for about forty-five minutes. Finally the driver of the truck got out and asked her what she was doing. And she explained that her dad had told her if she ever got stuck in a snow storm, to follow a plow. The driver nodded and said, "Well, I'm done with the Wal-Mart parking lot, do you want to follow me over to Best Buy now?" Snow Plow A blonde driving a car became lost in a snowstorm. She didn't panic however, because she remembered what her dad had once told her. "If you ever get stuck in a snowstorm, just wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it." Sure enough, pretty soon a snow plow came by, and she started to follow it. She followed the plow for about forty-five minutes. Finally the driver of the truck got out and asked her what she was doing. And she explained that her dad had told her if she ever got stuck in a snow storm, to follow a plow. The driver nodded and said, "Well, I'm done with the Wal-Mart parking lot, do you want to follow me over to Best Buy now?" 3 times ~ do I detect some Blonde ? A-Jay 2
Super User slonezp Posted January 28, 2015 Super User Posted January 28, 2015 3 times ~ do I detect some Blonde ? A-Jay Senility? 1
Super User *Hootie Posted January 28, 2015 Super User Posted January 28, 2015 Senility? I don't know. I thought it was funnier the second time. Hootie 2
Traveler2586 Posted January 28, 2015 Author Posted January 28, 2015 What the frog???? It wasn't me!!! When I clicked "Post", nothing happened - at all. I may have clicked three times, I don't know; but the screen said "Saving" and never changed so I gave up and closed IE. I'm not Blond, or senile...... just old. 4
Super User deep Posted January 28, 2015 Super User Posted January 28, 2015 What the frog???? It wasn't me!!! When I clicked "Post", nothing happened - at all. I may have clicked three times, I don't know; but the screen said "Saving" and never changed so I gave up and closed IE. I'm not Blond, or senile...... just old. 1
ClackerBuzz Posted January 28, 2015 Posted January 28, 2015 Marie, a nice, calm and respectable Cajun lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist whose name is Boudreaux, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like ta buy some cyanide."Then Boudreaux asked, "Mees, Why in de world do ya need cyanide?"Marie replied, "Ah need it to poison my husband."Boudreaux eyes got big and he explained, "Lord have mercy! A..h can't give you cyanide to kill you husband, dat's against de law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw boat of us in jail! All kinds of bad tings will happen. You CANNOT have any cyanide!"Marie reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband Thibodeaux in bed with the pharmacist's wife.Boudreaux looked at the picture and replied, "You didn't told me you had a prescription." 4
Mass Bassin' Posted January 28, 2015 Posted January 28, 2015 The duck's echo question has been around for ions. I was reading where Mythbusters tested it out and say it's a myth. Besides, I just post'em, it's up to you guys to do the research, haha. saw that epasode
Traveler2586 Posted January 29, 2015 Author Posted January 29, 2015 LOL, YESSS !!!!!!!!!!! I just loaded Google Chrome to try it. I'm on the hunt for a good web browser, if anyone has a suggestion please PM me rather than discussing the subject here as this thread is for jokes which I'm starting to think IE falls into that category. End of subject.
Super User slonezp Posted January 30, 2015 Super User Posted January 30, 2015 Might be a repost A lesson on how consultants can make a difference in an organization.Very Impressive!-Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant, ' ½ Ton’s,'and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in hisshirt pocket.It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water andutensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket.Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in theirpockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired, 'Whythe spoon?''Well, 'he explained,'the restaurant's owner hired Andersen Consultingto revamp all of our processes. After several months of analysis, theyconcluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. Itrepresents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table perhour.If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number oftrips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.'As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with hisspare. 'I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen insteadof making an extra trip to get it right now..' I was impressed.I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly.Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same stringhanging from their flies. So, before he walked off, I asked thewaiter, 'Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string rightthere?'"Oh, certainly!' Then he lowered his voice. 'Not everyone is soobservant. That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we cansave time in the restroom.By tying this string to the tip of our you-know-what, we can pull itout without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands,shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%.I asked quietly, 'After you get it out, how do you put it back?''Well,' he whispered, 'I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon 2
Traveler2586 Posted January 30, 2015 Author Posted January 30, 2015 **Anniversaries-------------------------Who said men don't remember anniversaries?A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him.He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.She watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee."What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room,"Why are you down here at this time of night?"The husband looks up from is coffee,"Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive."Yes I do," she replies.The husband paused. The words were not coming easily."Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?"Yes, I remember," said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.The husband continued."Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?""I remember that too" she replied softly.He wiped another tear from his cheek and said..."I would have gotten out today." Joke PM sent. 9
Jd_Phillips_Fishin Posted January 31, 2015 Posted January 31, 2015 What the deal with 'Joke PM sent,'?
Smokinal Posted January 31, 2015 Posted January 31, 2015 What the deal with 'Joke PM sent,'? Well, being a family friendly site and all, the "really good" jokes need be personal messaged 1
Traveler2586 Posted February 2, 2015 Author Posted February 2, 2015 At dawn the telephone rings, "Hello, Senor Rod? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house." "Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?" "Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Rod, that your parrot, he is dead." "My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?" "Si', Senor, that's the one." "Oh My! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?" "From eating the rotten meat, Senor Rod." "Rotten meat? Who the heck fed him rotten meat?" "Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse." "Dead horse??? What dead horse?" "The thoroughbred, Senor Rod." "My prize thoroughbred is dead?" "Si', Senor Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart." "Are you insane? What water cart?" "The one we used to put out the fire, Senor." "Good Lord!!! What fire are you talking about, man?" "The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire." "What the frack? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle?!" "Si', Senor Rod." "But there's electricity at the house! What was the candle for?" "For the funeral, Senor Rod." "WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!" "Your wife's, Senor Rod." She showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief, so I shot her with your new Kreighoff Limited Edition Custom Gold Engraved Trap Special with the custom Wenig Exhibition Grade Stock. SILENCE ... LONG SILENCE ... VERY LONG SILENCE. "Ernesto, if you scratched that shotgun, you're in deep s#$%." 6
Super User RoLo Posted February 3, 2015 Super User Posted February 3, 2015 Smart Man + Smart Woman = ROMANCE Smart Man + Dumb Woman = AFFAIR Dumb Man + Dumb Woman = PREGNANCY Dumb Man + Smart Woman = MARRIAGE --------------------------------------------------------------- > A woman worries about the future, until she has a husband > A man never worries about the future, until he has a wife > A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend > A successful woman is one who finds that man ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ > A man will pay $20 for a $10 item he needs > A woman will pay $10 for a $20 item she doesn't need -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Roger 5
Super User Sam Posted February 3, 2015 Super User Posted February 3, 2015 Oldie but Goodie! THE HILLBILLY VASECTOMY After their 11th child, a Kentucky couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. 'A less costly alternative,' said the doctor, 'is to go home, get a cherry bomb, (fireworks are legal in Kentucky) light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10. The Kentuckian said to the doctor, 'I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me. ''Trust me,' said the doctor. So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count! "1" "2" "3" “4" "5" At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and continued counting on his other hand. This procedure also works in Tennessee, Alabama, Arkansas, Mississippi, Parts of Georgia, Missouri and West Virginia, 6
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