Super User *Hootie Posted December 14, 2014 Super User Posted December 14, 2014 A guy driving down a country road comes upon a farmhouse and notices a three legged pig walking around in the yard. He pulls over, gets out and walks up to the house. An old man is sitting on the porch. Can I help you young man? The guy says, "Sir I couldn't help noticing that three legged pig. What happened to him". Oh, the pig, well, you see, he's the family pet, and,....well, we just couldn't bear to eat him all at once. Hootie 1
BasshunterJGH Posted December 14, 2014 Posted December 14, 2014 A priest, a politician, and a clown walk into a bar. The bartender says, "What is this, some kind of joke?" 1
Super User slonezp Posted December 15, 2014 Super User Posted December 15, 2014 During the Prostate exam I asked the doctor, "where should I put my pants"?"Over there by mine", was not the answer I was expecting 3
Super User deaknh03 Posted December 15, 2014 Super User Posted December 15, 2014 During the Prostate exam I asked the doctor, "where should I put my pants"? "Over there by mine", was not the answer I was expecting and you both lived happily ever after..
Super User gardnerjigman Posted December 15, 2014 Super User Posted December 15, 2014 and you both lived happily ever after.. Disney's next movie!
Super User Lund Explorer Posted December 15, 2014 Super User Posted December 15, 2014 Do you think they passed the test? 1
Super User A-Jay Posted December 15, 2014 Super User Posted December 15, 2014 Do you think they passed the test? Â Appears that perhaps one hopeful applicant came up 1 point short on the 3 point turn . . . . Â Â A-Jay
baluga Posted December 15, 2014 Posted December 15, 2014 A balding, white haired man from Malibu walked into a jewelry store this past Friday evening with a beautiful and much younger gal at his side.He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.The man said, 'No no, I'd like to see something more special.'At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over.'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000’ the jeweler said.The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.'The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated, 'by check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.'On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said 'Sir... There's no money in that account.''I know,' said the old man... 'But let me tell you about my weekend.’ 10
Super User gardnerjigman Posted December 15, 2014 Super User Posted December 15, 2014 A balding, white haired man from Malibu walked into a jewelry store this past Friday evening with a beautiful and much younger gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring. The man said, 'No no, I'd like to see something more special.' At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. 'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000’ the jeweler said. The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.' The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated, 'by check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.' On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said 'Sir... There's no money in that account.' 'I know,' said the old man... 'But let me tell you about my weekend.’ Yes! That's freaking awesome!!!
Super User Dwight Hottle Posted December 16, 2014 Super User Posted December 16, 2014 The Italian Secret to a Long Marriage!  At St. Peter's Catholic Church, they have weekly husbands marriage seminars.  At the session last week, the priest asked Giuseppe, who said he was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years. Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands, 'Wella, I'va tried to treat her nice, spenda da money on her, but besta of all is, I tooka her to Italy for the 25th anniversary!' The priest responded, 'Giuseppe, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50thanniversary?' Giuseppe proudly replied,    " I gonna go pick her up."     The Enda  8
Super User Choporoz Posted December 16, 2014 Super User Posted December 16, 2014  A DEA Agent stopped at a ranch in Texas and talked to an old rancher.  He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."  The rancher... said, "okay, but don't go into that field over there...", as he pointed out the location. The DEA Agent verbally exploded and said, "look mister, I have the authority of the federal government with me!"  Reaching into his rear back pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher. "See this badge?! This badge means I can go wherever I want... On any land! No questions asked, no answers given! Do you understand old man?!"  The rancher kindly nodded, apologized, and went about his chores.  Moments later the rancher heard loud screams, he looked up and saw the DEA agent running for his life, being chased by the ranchers big Santa Gertrudis Bull...... With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it was likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety.  The officer was clearly terrified.  The old rancher threw down his tools, ran as fast as he could to the fence, and yelled at the top of his lungs......  "YOUR BADGE! SHOW HIM YOUR BADGE!"    There is lots of versions of this one and i  love them all! Ouch, Sam. Wonka'd by a 14 year old. May need a new joke book LOL
Kevin Beachy Posted December 16, 2014 Posted December 16, 2014 Ouch, Sam. Wonka'd by a 14 year old. May need a new joke book LOL lol
Super User Sam Posted December 18, 2014 Super User Posted December 18, 2014 A doctor was addressing a large audience regarding health issues."The material we put into our stomachs should have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Â Red meat is full of steroids and dye. Â Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Â Chinese food is loaded with MSG. Â High trans-fat diets can be disastrous and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. Â But, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and most of us have, or will eat it. Cananyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"Â After several seconds of quiet, an 80-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake"? Â Â Â Â 3
Super User Dwight Hottle Posted December 21, 2014 Super User Posted December 21, 2014 Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on a park bench one morning. The 87-year-old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath. The 80-year-old was amazed at the guy's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy. The 87-year-old said, "Well, I eat Jewish rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies. You'll feel like 40 again!" So, on the way home the 80-year-old stopped at the bakery. As he was looking around, the saleslady asked if he needed any help. He said, "Do you have any Jewish rye bread?" She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?" He said, "I want five loaves." She said, "My goodness, five loaves! By the time you get to the 3rd loaf, it'll be hard." He replied, "I can't believe everybody knows about this shite but me…!!!." = 3
Super User *Hootie Posted December 27, 2014 Super User Posted December 27, 2014 I bought me a pair of turtleskin shoes. Now it takes me two hours to walk across my backyard. Hootie 1
Super User deaknh03 Posted December 27, 2014 Super User Posted December 27, 2014 I bought me a pair of turtleskin shoes. Now it takes me two hours to walk across my backyard. Hootie you made that up
Super User K_Mac Posted December 27, 2014 Super User Posted December 27, 2014 Hootie it's a good thing you didn't buy snake skin-you may have pulled a muscle! 1
Jd_Phillips_Fishin Posted December 27, 2014 Posted December 27, 2014 One morning, a man was about to go to the grocery store. Before he left, his wife said, "Could you pick up a gallon of milk, and if they have eggs, pick up 6." When the man got back he had 6 gallons of milk with him. When his wife saw this she asked,"Why did you bring home 6 gallons of milk?" "Because they had eggs." 3
Super User *Hootie Posted December 27, 2014 Super User Posted December 27, 2014 One morning, a man was about to go to the grocery store. Before he left, his wife said, "Could you pick up a gallon of milk, and if they have eggs, pick up 6." When the man got back he had 6 gallons of milk with him. When his wife saw this she asked,"Why did you bring home 6 gallons of milk?" "Because they had eggs." Now that's funny! Hootie 1
Super User Sam Posted December 27, 2014 Super User Posted December 27, 2014 Makes total sense to me. Â I live with a blond. A real blond. Â You guys just don't know what I go through. 2
Super User Sam Posted December 30, 2014 Super User Posted December 30, 2014 His name was Bubba, he was from Louisiana and he needed a loan. So, he walked into a bank in New York City and asked for the Loan Officer. He told the Loan Officer that he was going to Paris for an International Cajun Festival for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000 and that he was not a depositor of the bank.  The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan, so the Redneck handed over the keys to a new Ferrari.  The car was parked on the street in front of the bank. The Cajun produced the title and everything checked out.  The loan officer agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan and apologized for having to charge 12% interest.  Later, the bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the Cajun from the south for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral for a $5,000 loan.  An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank's private underground garage and parked it.  Two weeks later, the Cajun returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest of $23.07.  The Loan Officer said, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out on Dunn & Bradstreet and found that you are distinguished alumni from LSU, a highly sophisticated investor and multi-millionaire with real estate and financial interests all over the world.  Your investments include a large number of wind turbines around Louisiana and Texas. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"  The good 'ole boy replied, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be there when I return?"    5
Super User RoLo Posted January 5, 2015 Super User Posted January 5, 2015 The mother of a 17-year old girl was growing increasingly concerned that her daughter might have a baby out of wedlock. Her mother took it upon herself to purchase a box of condoms. Then one evening while her daughter was primping for a date, her mother handed her daughter the box of condoms. Her daughter laughed out loud and said: "Mom, don't worry so much...I'm going steady with Kimberly". Â Roger 2
Super User Dwight Hottle Posted January 5, 2015 Super User Posted January 5, 2015 Male Logic Critical Thinking At Its Best!  Woman:Do you drink beer? Man: Yes  Woman:How many beers a day?  Man:Usually about 3  Woman:How much do you pay per beer?  Man: $5.00 which includes a tip(This is where it gets scary !)Woman:And how long have you been drinking?  Man:About 20 years, I suppose  Woman:So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5400 correct?  Man:Correct  Woman:If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past20 years puts your spending at $108,000, correct?  Man:Correct  Woman:Do you know that if you didn't drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a new Ferrari?  Man:Do you drink beer?  Woman:No  Man:Where's your Ferrari?    8
Super User gardnerjigman Posted January 5, 2015 Super User Posted January 5, 2015 Male Logic Critical Thinking At Its Best! Woman: Do you drink beer? Man: Yes Woman: How many beers a day? Man: Usually about 3 Woman: How much do you pay per beer? Man: $5.00 which includes a tip (This is where it gets scary !) Woman: And how long have you been drinking? Man: About 20 years, I suppose Woman: So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5400 correct? Man: Correct Woman: If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000, correct? Man: Correct Woman: Do you know that if you didn't drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a new Ferrari? Man: Do you drink beer? Woman: No Man: Where's your Ferrari? YES!!!!! Bahahahaha! So freaking great! 2
Super User roadwarrior Posted January 6, 2015 Super User Posted January 6, 2015 Sam, that's a repeat from 12/21/2014 (one page back) 1
Recommended Posts