Jokes - Let's Have Some Fun

[Sam]

Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome, Italy. One has a Cross in front of him; the other one is holding the Star of David.

 

Many people go by, look at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the Cross.

 

The Pope comes by. He stops to watch the throngs of people giving money to the beggar who holds the Cross while none give to the beggar holding the Star of David.

 

Finally, the Pope approaches the beggar with the Star of David and says, "My poor fellow, don't you understand? This is a Catholic country; this city is the seat of Catholicism. People aren't going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you're sitting beside a beggar who is holding a Cross.  In fact, they would probably give more money to him just out of spite.”

 

The beggar with the Star of David listened to the Pope, smiled, and turned to the beggar with the Cross and said, "Moishe, look who's trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing!"

[Dwight Hottle]

Would You marry Again? -

A husband and wife are sitting up in bed reading, When the wife looks over at him and starts a discussion.... WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?" HUSBAND: "Definitely not!" WIFE: "Why not - don't you like being married?" HUSBAND: "Of course I do.." WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry? " HUSBAND:"Okay, okay, I'd get married again." WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look) HUSBAND: (Makes audible groan)
WIFE: "Would you live in our house?" HUSBAND:"Sure, it's a great house.." WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?" HUSBAND:"Where else would we sleep?" WIFE: "Would you let her drive
my car?" HUSBAND: "Probably, it's almost new." WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?" HUSBAND:"That would seem the proper thing to do." WIFE: "Would you give her my jewelry?"
HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own." WIFE: "Would you take her golfing with you? HUSBAND: "Yes, those are always good times." WIFE: "Would she use my clubs? HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed." WIFE: Silence.... HUSBAND: Oh sheet..."

 

 

 

=

[WdyCrankbait]

How do you know Helen Keller was a terrible driver?

 

 

 

She was a woman.

[Scott F]

A woman goes to see a veterinarian. "Doctor, I hope you can help me. My dog has been humping me constantly. Is there anything you can do?"

"Well," the vet says, "The first thing we should do is neuter him, that should calm him down"

"No", the woman says, "That's not what I had in mind. Do you think you could trim his nails and fix his breath?"

[slonezp]

How do you know Helen Keller was a terrible driver?

 

 

 

She was a woman.

Was she Asian?

[WdyCrankbait]

Do you know why divorces cost so much?

 

Because they're worth it.

[Dwight Hottle]

 sweet little lady decided to host the neighborhood block party in a big way.

She wanted to serve her guests mushroom-smothered steak, but she had no mushrooms and no time to buy them. Her husband suggested,

"Why don't you go pick some of the mushrooms that are growing wild down by the stream? "No, some wild mushrooms are poisonous."

"Well, I see squirrels eating them and they're OK." So she picked a bunch and washed, sliced and sautéed them for her dinner.

Then she went out on the back porch and gave Spot, their dog, a double handful. Spot ate every bite. All morning long, she watched the dog.

The wild mushrooms hadn't affected him after a few hours, so she decided to use them. The meal was a great success.

After everyone had finished, her daughter came in and whispered in her ear, "Mum, Spot is dead."

Trying to keep her head about her, she left the room as quickly as possible, called the doctor and told him what had happened.

The doctor said, "That's bad, but I think we can take care of it. I'll call for an ambulance and I'll be there as quickly as I can.

We'll give everyone enemas and we'll pump out their stomachs and everything will be fine. Just keep them calm."

Before long they started to hear the sirens as the ambulance tore down the road. The Paramedics and the doctor had their suitcases, syringes, and stomach pumps.

One by one, they took each person into the bathroom, gave them an enema, and pumped out their stomach.

After the last one was done the doctor came out and said, "Everything will be okay now," and with that he got into his luxury Maserati and drove away.

The hosts and the guests were all weak and bumfuzzled, sitting around the living room, when the daughter came in and said to her mum…..

OMG............."I just can't believe that guy!" "What guy?" Mom asked?

"Well…….you know. The one who ran over Spot. The sumbitch never even slowed down."

[iabass8]

A Chinese man wielding a ladle, a round broad with kankels and an axe to grind, and Gus Malzahn walk into Raider's living room.......

[slonezp]

A Chinese man wielding a ladle, a round broad with kankels and an axe to grind, and Gus Malzahn walk into Raider's living room.......

If you're going to start a joke, you ought to finish it 

[iabass8]

If you're going to start a joke, you ought to finish it

Said all the ladies when you started to drop trow

[deaknh03]

Said all the ladies when you started to drop trow

I had a lady say that to me once..mrs iabass8..ooohhhh..da dum..please tip your servers tonight..

[iabass8]

I had a lady say that to me once..mrs iabass8..ooohhhh..da dum..please tip your servers tonight..

Well played sir

[Squirmin Wormin]

This has to do with the 1990 super bowl,49er's and denver when it was 55-10 final and denver lost,i think jerry caught or 4 tds,

so after the game and the denver team was getting ready leave the coach said to elway , should we get something to eat and ask the team also , coach ask elway chinese ok? elway said good enough ,so goes in the locker room ask them what they thought, elway came back to the coach and has the answer ,coach their not hungry, and neither am i,

but just a second ago you were, the coach says to elway, chinese is great food ! yeh agreed, says elway ,but elway says to coach ,that's not the problem . coach says to elway ,what?, elway says to coach ,

it's not chinese foods we don't like , IT's RICE!!

[deaknh03]

This has to do with the 1990 super bowl,49er's and denver when it was 55-10 final and denver lost,i think jerry caught or 4 tds,

so after the game and the denver team was getting ready leave the coach said to elway , should we get something to eat and ask the team also , coach ask elway chinese ok? elway said good enough ,so goes in the locker room ask them what they thought, elway came back to the coach and has the answer ,coach their not hungry, and neither am i,

but just a second ago you were, the coach says to elway, chinese is great food ! yeh agreed, says elway ,but elway says to coach ,that's not the problem . coach says to elway ,what?, elway says to coach ,

it's not chinese foods we don't like , IT's RICE!!

He could have had chow mein, some rangoons, and teriyaki sticks..golden fingers, so many choices...

[plumworm]

That one went way over DEAK's head

[iabass8]

This has to do with the 1990 super bowl,49er's and denver when it was 55-10 final and denver lost,i think jerry caught or 4 tds,

so after the game and the denver team was getting ready leave the coach said to elway , should we get something to eat and ask the team also , coach ask elway chinese ok? elway said good enough ,so goes in the locker room ask them what they thought, elway came back to the coach and has the answer ,coach their not hungry, and neither am i,

but just a second ago you were, the coach says to elway, chinese is great food ! yeh agreed, says elway ,but elway says to coach ,that's not the problem . coach says to elway ,what?, elway says to coach ,

it's not chinese foods we don't like , IT's RICE!!

I get the joke but I believe a group of grown men would know that not all Chinese dishes have rice. I could probably eat plate after plate of fried dumplings and crab rangoon and never be left /w the quandary these men put themselves through. It seems unnecessary given their loss. 

[iabass8]

That one went way over DEAK's head

I think it went under his feet but above your eyes.

[*Hootie]

Grown men, yes, football players, not so sure.

Hootie

[slonezp]

Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant, 'Steve's Place,' and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket.
It seemed a little strange.
When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket.
Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired, 'Why the spoon?'
'Well,' he explained, 'the restaurant's owner hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all of our processes.
After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil.
It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour.
If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.'
As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare. 'I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now.' I was impressed.
I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly.
Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter,
'Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?'
"Oh, certainly!' Then he lowered his voice.
'Not everyone is so observant.
That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in the restroom.
By tying this string to the tip of our you-know-what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%.
I asked quietly, 'After you get it out, how do you put it back?'
'Well,' he whispered,'I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon.'
 

[RoLo]

Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant, 'Steve's Place,' and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket.

It seemed a little strange.

When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket.

Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired, 'Why the spoon?'

'Well,' he explained, 'the restaurant's owner hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all of our processes.

After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil.

It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour.

If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.'

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare. 'I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now.' I was impressed.

I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly.

Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter,

'Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?'

"Oh, certainly!' Then he lowered his voice.

'Not everyone is so observant.

That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in the restroom.

By tying this string to the tip of our you-know-what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%.

I asked quietly, 'After you get it out, how do you put it back?'

'Well,' he whispered,'I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon.'

 

 

I find it pretty interesting how jokes transition to fit the era. I know Slonezp is much too young to remember,

but I first heard this joke during the late 1950s / early 1960s. Back then, restaurants and a la carte were out of reach

of most laypeople. In fact, hamburgers took a backseat to the 25-cent frank. Hotdogs and wieners were all the rage,

long before the first Carrolls, Wetsons or Burger Chef.  Anyway, here goes (60 years earlier): Same trailer, different park:

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

A man enters “Vinnie’s Franks” and is fascinated by the sanitary practices he sees in a lowly hotdog joint.

Vinnie never makes physical contact with any food. Every frank is placed on the grill using stainless steel tongs,

which is then grilled to perfection under Vinnie's rolling spatula. Using a pair of tongs, Vinnie deftly places a sanitary napkin

into his hand, followed by a bun into which the frank is placed. The man said to Vinnie: "I must say, you run a tidy operation here,

I’m impressed”. With a proud grin Vinnie said: “Thank you very much, and I’d like to show you something”.

“You see this string attached to the hole in my zipper?” Yes the man said, but what’s that's all about?

Vinnie replied: “When nature calls and I’m in the restroom, I just pull down on the string to lower my fly".

'WOW', the man said, 'that's incredible!' Then after a brief silence the man came back: 'But after your fly is down,

how do you umm.....how do you ahh.  Vinnie jumped in, “With these tongs right here!”

 

Roger

[slonezp]

I find it pretty interesting how jokes transition to fit the era. I know Slonezp is much too young to remember,

but I first heard this joke during the late 1950s / early 1960s. Back then, restaurants and a la carte were out of reach

of most laypeople. In fact, hamburgers took a backseat to the 25-cent frank. Hotdogs and wieners were all the rage,

long before the first Carrolls, Wetsons or Burger Chef.  Anyway, here goes (60 years earlier): Same trailer, different park:

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

A man enters “Vinnie’s Franks” and is fascinated by the sanitary practices he sees in a lowly hotdog joint.

Vinnie never makes physical contact with any food. Every frank is placed on the grill using stainless steel tongs,

which is then grilled to perfection under Vinnie's rolling spatula. Using a pair of tongs, Vinnie deftly places a sanitary napkin

into his hand, followed by a bun into which the frank is placed. The man said to Vinnie: "I must say, you run a tidy operation here,

I’m impressed”. With a proud grin Vinnie said: “Thank you very much, and I’d like to show you something”.

“You see this string attached to the hole in my zipper?” Yes the man said, but what’s that's all about?

Vinnie replied: “When nature calls and I’m in the restroom, I just pull down on the string to lower my fly".

'WOW', the man said, 'that's incredible!' Then after a brief silence the man came back: 'But after your fly is down,

how do you umm.....how do you ahh.  Vinnie jumped in, “With these tongs right here!”

 

Roger

I'll have you know, I was conceived in 1969....Thank you very much

[RoLo]

I'll have you know, I was conceived in 1969....Thank you very much

 

You lucky devil, I was married 5 years when you were born.

You bet I'm jealous 

 

Roger

[Dwight Hottle]

A young ventriloquist is touring Sweden and, one night, he's

doing a show in a small fishing town. With his dummy on

his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.

Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her

chair and starts shouting, "I've heard enough of your stupid

blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype

Swedish blond women that way? What does the color of a

woman's hair have to do with her worth as a human being?

It's men like you who keep women like me from being

respected at work and in the community, and from reaching

our full potential as people. Its people like you that make

others think that all Blondes are dumb! You and your kind

continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only

blondes, but women in general...pathetically all in the name

of humor!"

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the

blonde yells: "You stay out of this! I'm talking to that little

shet on your lap."

[Dwight Hottle]

An elderly couple had just learned how to send text messages

on their cell phones. The wife was a romantic type and the

husband was more of a no-nonsense guy.

 

One afternoon the wife went out to meet a friend for coffee.

She decided to send her husband a romantic text message and

she wrote:

 

"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing,

send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you

are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your

tears. I love you."

 

The husband texted back to her:

"I'm on the toilet. Please advise."

 

[Smokinal]

Another Famous American converts to Islam ...

It was announced today that Buckwheat,

Of Our Gang fame, Has converted To

The Muslim faith and changed his name to:

Kareem of Wheat.

I just hope he doesn't become a cereal killer!