Brian Needham Posted April 21, 2014 Posted April 21, 2014 BAPTIST COWBOYA cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas , walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona , the other is in Colorado . When we all left our home in Texas , we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs."Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking.""Hasn't affected my brothers though." 8
Jd_Phillips_Fishin Posted April 23, 2014 Posted April 23, 2014 I'ts picture day at Little Johny's school and the teacher is telling his class the order pictures will be taken, were were going to have them, and stuff like that. Then a girl asks,''why do we have to do this?'' and the teacher replies,''Well, when your like 40 you will be looking a t these pictures and you will be happy for your old class mates. You will say thers Dan, hes a lawyer, or theres Suzy, shes a doctor.'' Then Little Johnny says, ''yeah and the happiest one will be when you say,'look thers the teacher and shes dead!' " 2
Jd_Phillips_Fishin Posted April 23, 2014 Posted April 23, 2014 In the luch line, at the small Christian school, the first thing in the line is a bucket of apples. Written on the bucket is a note from the teacher that says,''Please only take one. Remember God's always watching.'' At the end of the line there is a plate cookies with a note in a kids handwriting that says, ''Take as many as you want. Don't worry God's watching the apples.'' 2
macmichael Posted April 24, 2014 Posted April 24, 2014 Sports quotes.        "Last year we couldn't win at home and we were losing on the road. My failure as a coach was that I couldn't think of anyplace else to play." - Harry Neale, professional hockey coach "Blind people come to the ballpark just to listen to him pitch." - Reggie Jackson commenting on Tom Seaver "I'm working as hard as I can to get my life and my cash to run out at the same time. If I can just die after lunch Tuesday, everything will be perfect." - Doug Sanders, professional golfer "All the fat guys watch me and say to their wives, 'See, there's a fat guy doing okay. Bring me another beer.'" - Mickey Lolich, Detroit Tigers Pitcher "When it's third and ten, you can have the milk drinkers; I'll take the whiskey drinkers every time." - Max McGee, Green Bay Packers receiver "I found out that it's not good to talk about my tro ub les. Eighty percent of the people who hear them don't care and the other twenty percent are glad you're having them." - Tommy LaSorda , LA Dodgers manager "My knees look like they lost a knife fight with a midget." - E.J. Holub, Kansas City Chiefs linebacker regarding his 12 knee operations "My theory is that if you buy an ice-cream cone and make it hit your mouth, you can learn to play tennis. If you stick it on your forehead, your chances aren't as good." - Vic Braden, tennis instructor "When they operated, I told them to add in a Koufax fastball. They did but unfortunately it was Mrs. Koufax's." - Tommy John, NY Yankees, recalling his 1974 arm surgery "I don't know. I only played there for nine years." - Walt Garrison, Dallas Cowboys fullback when asked if Tom Landry ever smiles "We were tipping off our plays. Whenever we broke from the huddle, three backs were laughing and one was pale as a ghost." - John Breen, Houst on Oilers "The film looks suspiciously like the game itself." - Bum Phillips, New Orleans Saints, after viewing a lopsided loss to the Atlanta Falcons "When I'm on the road, my greatest ambition is to get a standing boo." - Al Hrabosky, major league relief pitcher "I have discovered in 20 years of moving around the ball park, that the knowledge of the game is usually in inverse proportion to the price of the seats." - Bill Veeck, Chicago White Sox owner "Because if it didn't work out, I didn't want to blow the whole day." - Paul Horning, Green Bay Packers running back on why his marriage ceremony was before noon. "I have a lifetime contract. That means I can't be fired during the third quarter if we're ahead and moving the ball." - Lou Holtz, Arkansas football coach "I won't know until my barber tells me on Monday." - Knute Rockne, when asked why Notre Dame had lost a game "I tell him 'Attaway to hit, George .'" - Jim Frey, KC Royals manager when asked what advice he gives George Brett on hitting "I learned a long time ago that 'minor surgery' is when they do the operation on someone else, not you." - Bill Walton, Portland Trial Blazers "Our biggest concern this season will be diaper rash." - George MacIntyre, Vanderbilt football coach surveying the team roster that included 26 freshmen and 25 sophomores. "The only difference between me and General Custer is that I have to watch the films on Sunday." - Rick Venturi, Northwestern football coach  9
Super User A-Jay Posted April 24, 2014 Super User Posted April 24, 2014 ^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Â Those quotes are fantastic ! Â Thanks for sharing. Â A-Jay
Super User RoLo Posted April 25, 2014 Super User Posted April 25, 2014 You Might Be Californian - IF:  - You can’t remember if pot is legal - A good parking spot moves you to tears - You attend a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor - You’re surprised when 2 people on a bus are speaking English - You net over $150,000 but have trouble making ends meet - Your kid's teacher has purple hair, a nose ring and his name is 'Flower' - You can’t remember if pot is legal  Roger 5
Traveler2586 Posted April 25, 2014 Author Posted April 25, 2014 Marriage Humor Wife: 'What are you doing?' Husband: Nothing. Wife: 'Nothing . .. . ? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.' Husband: 'I was looking for the expiration date.'-------------------------------Wife : 'Do you want dinner?' Husband: 'Sure! What are my choices?' Wife: 'Yes or no.'--------------------------------------------------------Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.' Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.' Girl: 'Well that's because we aren't married yet.'------------------------------ Son: 'Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.' Mom: 'Well, you have done the right thing.' Son: 'But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.'________________________________A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?' 'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'------------------------------------------------------------A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?' He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humor!' 5
WdyCrankbait Posted April 25, 2014 Posted April 25, 2014 Traveler, Â Â I'm about to get married so, I enjoyed those!!!
Traveler2586 Posted April 25, 2014 Author Posted April 25, 2014 Traveler,   I'm about to get married so, I enjoyed those!!!  LOL,,,,,  Have you considered all the money you could save by not saying "I Do"???? 1
Jd_Phillips_Fishin Posted April 27, 2014 Posted April 27, 2014 After church on Sunday morning, all the kids were being picked up by there parents. After one boy was picked up his dad said, ''So, what did yall learn about today?"  kid: We talked about Moses and the Israelites escaping Egypt and Pharoh. dad: Oh, thats cool what else? kid: And when the escaped they were being chased by Pharoh, and then they got trapped because the sea was in there way. dad: Then what happened? kid:Well, then Moses pulled out his radio and contacted one of the freightors filled with soldiers and hellicopters. And the soldiers killed all the Egyptions and the freightor carried the Israelites across the sea. dad: Are you sure thats what you really learned in church today? kid: Well if I told you what I really learned you wouldnt have believed me.
Jd_Phillips_Fishin Posted April 27, 2014 Posted April 27, 2014 In the small 5-6 year-old Sunday school room the teacher was talking about the 10 commandments. Then one kid asked," Since thers a commandment about how you treat your parents, why aint there a commandment about how you treat your siblings?" Then the oldest kid in the class, an oldest of 5 brothers says," What are you talkin about thers one, dont kill." 2
Jd_Phillips_Fishin Posted April 27, 2014 Posted April 27, 2014 When the pastor was speaking in church one morning a little girl was drawling a picture. Her mom whispered,"What are you drawling "A picture of God "Now one knows what he looks like though." "Thats alright, because everyone will know what he looks like when im done." 3
Super User Sam Posted April 28, 2014 Super User Posted April 28, 2014 Church Story  A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.Four worms were placed into four separate jars.The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup..The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:The first worm in alcohol . . . . . .. Dead .The second worm in cigarette smoke . . . Dead .Third worm in chocolate syrup . . . . Dead.Fourth worm in good clean soil . . . . AliveSo the Minister asked the congregation,"What did you learn from this demonstration?"Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said ……. "As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!" 3
Super User Dwight Hottle Posted April 29, 2014 Super User Posted April 29, 2014 Never Choke in a Restaurant in the South! Â Two Va. hillbillies walked into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talked about their moonshine operation. Â Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table who is eating a sandwich, began to cough. After a minute or so, it became apparent that she was in real distress. Â One of the hillbillies looked at her and said, "Kin ya swallar?" Â The woman shook her head no. Â Then he asked, "Kin ya breathe?" Â The woman began to turn blue and shook her head no. Â The hillbilly walked over to the woman, lifted up her dress, yanked down her drawers, and quickly gave her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. Â The woman was so shocked that she had a violent spasm, and the obstruction flew out of her mouth. As she began to breathe again, the Hillbilly walked slowly back to his table. Â His partner said, "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!" Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â 5
Super User RoLo Posted April 29, 2014 Super User Posted April 29, 2014 Courtesy of U.S. Dept of Health and Human Services: > Number of U.S. practicing physicians:            830,000 > Annual deaths caused by physicians:         180,000 > Annual deaths caused per physician              0.217  Courtesy of Federal Bureau of Investigation: > Number of gun owners in United States         80,0000,0000 > Annual number of firearm homicides         11,078 > Annual number of gun deaths per owner      0.00014  Conclusions > Doctors are 1,550 times more dangerous than gun-owners > Guns don't kill people - Doctors do  Roger 7
Super User Dwight Hottle Posted April 29, 2014 Super User Posted April 29, 2014 A sweet little boy surprised his grandmother one morning and broughther a cup of coffee. He made it himself and was so proud. He anxiouslywaited to hear the verdict on the quality of the coffee. Thegrandmother had never in her life had such a bad cup of coffee, and asshe forced down the last sip she noticed three of those little greenarmy guys in the bottom of the cup.She asked, "Honey, why would three little green army guys be in thebottom of my cup?"Her grandson replied, "You know grandma, it's like on TV, 'The bestpart of waking up is soldiers in your cup.'"Â 6
Super User RoLo Posted April 30, 2014 Super User Posted April 30, 2014 WORD DEFINITIONS  COFFEE A person in the path of a cough  ADULT A person who stopped growing at both ends, and is only growing in the middle.  BEAUTY PARLOR A place where women go to curl-up and dye.  OYSTER A person who flavors their conversation with Yiddishisms  MOSQUITO An insect that helps you like flies more  SECRET Something you tell to one person at a time  CANNIBAL Someone who is fed up with people  Roger 3
Jd_Phillips_Fishin Posted May 1, 2014 Posted May 1, 2014 Wife: Oh, hey, your home early Husband: I had too. Wife: Why's that? Husband: Because my boss told me to go to hell.
Super User RoLo Posted May 1, 2014 Super User Posted May 1, 2014 WORD DEFINITIONS  RECTITUDE A mental attitude that really stinks  BALDERDASH A condition marked by rapidly receding hair  SKELETON A bunch of bones with the person scraped off  NEGLIGENT A women who answers the door wearing a nightgown  FLABBERGASTED The disappointment one feels when discovering sudden weight gain  POKEMON A Rastafarian proctologist  Roger
Super User A-Jay Posted May 2, 2014 Super User Posted May 2, 2014 If you have moved into a new neighborhood and would like to meet some of your local law enforcement officials ~ On your very next Trash day Pack the trash like this. Chances are you'll meet a few in short order.  A-Jay    1
Super User slonezp Posted May 2, 2014 Super User Posted May 2, 2014 #700!!!!!!!!!! Â Â I was #700 but my post mysteriously disappeared minutes after I made it.
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