Super User Sam Posted February 13, 2014 Super User Posted February 13, 2014 Arcelor-Mittal Steel, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO.The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business. He asked the guy, "How much money do you make a week?" A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, "I make $400 a week. Why?" The CEO said, "Wait right here." He walked back to his office, came backin two minutes and handed the guy $1,600 in cash and said, "Here's fourweeks' pay. Now GET OUT and don't come back."Feeling pretty good about himself the CEO looked around the room andasked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?" From across the room a voice said, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's." 2
Super User slonezp Posted February 19, 2014 Super User Posted February 19, 2014 This is confession, please be serious when you read it......I recall my first time with a condom. I was 16. I went in to buy a packet of condoms. In those days it took a lot of guts to go in a store and ask for that kind of item because everyone in town knew me and there was no doubt the young lady (I think her name was Norma) knew what they were for. She was working as an assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was really embarrassed by the whole procedure. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, 'No, not really.' So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. Apparently I still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store to see if it were empty. It was. 'Just a minute,' she said, and walked to the door and locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. 'Do these excite you?' she asked. Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was stand there with my mouth open and nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk. 'Well, come on', she said, 'We don't have much time.' So I climbed onto her. It was so wonderful that, unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOW, I was done within a few moments. She looked at me with a bit of a frown. 'Did you put that condom on?' she asked. I said, 'sure did,' and held up my thumb to show her.That's when she beat the **** out of me.... Women have always been hard for me to figure out. 6
Super User Sam Posted February 20, 2014 Super User Posted February 20, 2014 A cranky old woman was arrested for shoplifting at a grocery store. She gave everyone a hard time, from the store manager to the security guard to the arresting officer who took her away, complaining and criticizing throughout the process. When she appeared before the judge, the judge asked what she had stolen from the store. The lady defiantly replied, "Just a stupid can of peaches." The judge then asked why she had done it. She replied, "I was hungry and forgot to bring any cash to the store." The judge asked how many peaches were in the can. She replied, "Nine, but what do you care about that?" The judge patiently said, "Well, ma'am, because I'm going to give you nine days in jail -- one day for each peach." As the judge was about to drop gavel, the lady's long suffering husband raised his hand and asked if he might speak. The judge said, "Yes, what do you have to add?" The husband said, “Your Honor, she also stole a can of peas.” 7
ROCbass Posted February 22, 2014 Posted February 22, 2014 Did you hear about the constipated mathematician? He worked his problems out with a pencil. 1
Super User Grizzn N Bassin Posted February 22, 2014 Super User Posted February 22, 2014 Did you hear about the constipated mathematician? Lmao He worked his problems out with a pencil.
Super User Grizzn N Bassin Posted February 22, 2014 Super User Posted February 22, 2014 Sam i liked that,joke! 1
Super User A-Jay Posted February 22, 2014 Super User Posted February 22, 2014 Most excellent & quite entertaining . . . . . I do not however, think that one will make even the first Mod review . . . . A-Jay
Super User Redlinerobert Posted February 22, 2014 Super User Posted February 22, 2014 You're probably right. Deleted. 1
Super User Sam Posted February 28, 2014 Super User Posted February 28, 2014 Little Johnnie's neighbor had a baby. Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears. When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnnie's family was invited over to see the baby. Before they left their house, Little Johnnie's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears. His dad also told him that if he so much as mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home. Little Johnnie told his dad he understood completely. When Johnnie looked in the crib he said, 'What a beautiful baby. 'The mother said, 'Why, Thank you, Johnnie. Johnnie said, 'He has beautiful little feet, beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see all right?' 'Yes', the mother replied, 'we are so thankful, the Doctor said he will have 20/20 Vision.' 'That's great', said Little Johnnie, 'cuz he'd be screwed if he needed glasses. 4
Super User Sam Posted March 2, 2014 Super User Posted March 2, 2014 Involuntary Muscle Contraction Professor Higgins at the University of Alabama Medical School was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscle Contraction' to the first year medical students. This was not an exciting subject and the professor decided to lighten up the mood. He pointed to a young woman in the front row and asked, “Do you know what your as****le is doing while you're having an orgasm?” She replied, “Probably golfing with his buddies.” It took 45 minutes to restore order in the classroom. 3
Super User Jigfishn10 Posted March 3, 2014 Super User Posted March 3, 2014 Hit Man Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them, "Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up." "Sure," they said. So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer. Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, "What do you do for a living?" "I'm a hit man," was the reply. "You're joking!" was the response. "No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. "Here are my tools." "That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend, "Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here." So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house. "Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window." "Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can see she's naked!! Wait a minute, that's my neighbor in there with her...He's naked, too!!!" He turned to the hit man, "How much do you charge for a hit?" "I'll do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger." "Can you do two for me now?" "Sure, what do you want?" "First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth." "Then the neighbor, he's a friend of mine, so just shoot his hoo-hah off to teach him a lesson." The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes. "Are you going to do it or not?" said the friend impatiently. "Just be patient," said the hit man calmly, "I think I can save you a grand here." 8
Super User deaknh03 Posted March 3, 2014 Super User Posted March 3, 2014 John, please explain that joke to me.. 1
Super User Jigfishn10 Posted March 3, 2014 Super User Posted March 3, 2014 John, please explain that joke to me.. How about a nice hot cup of "shut the F#$% up!".... 1
Super User deaknh03 Posted March 3, 2014 Super User Posted March 3, 2014 How about a nice hot cup of "shut the F#$% up!".... if its hot I'll take it!
Super User clayton86 Posted March 4, 2014 Super User Posted March 4, 2014 This . . . Is Perfect. A-Jay The NCO.jpg I'd say thats pretty accurate lol
Super User Bankbeater Posted March 4, 2014 Super User Posted March 4, 2014 I'd say thats pretty accurate lol Not only in the military, either. 1
Super User Jigfishn10 Posted March 4, 2014 Super User Posted March 4, 2014 An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand and a bucket of buffalo manure in the other. He says to the waiter, "Me want coffee."The waiter says, "Sure chief, coming right up."He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee, and the Indian drinks it down in one gulp, picks up the bucket of manure, throws it into the air, blasts it with the shotgun, then just walks out.The next morning the Indian returns.He has his shotgun in one hand and a bucket of buffalo manure in the other.He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter, "Me want coffee."The waiter says, "Whoa, Tonto. We're still cleaning up your mess from the last time you were here. What the heck was all that about, anyway?"The Indian smiles and proudly says, "Me training for upper management position: Come in, drink coffee, shoot $h1t, leave mess for others to clean up, disappear for rest of day." 6
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