Super User slonezp Posted November 3, 2013 Super User Posted November 3, 2013 A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot.The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness.Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on thefreeway.You're going to be okay. You'll walk again and everything.However, your thingy was severed in the accident, and we couldn't find it."The man groans, but the doctor goes on."You have $9,000 in insurance compensation coming, and we now have thetechnology to build a new thingy. They work great but don't come cheap.It's roughly $1000 an inch."The man perks up.So," the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want. But Iunderstand that you have been married for over thirty years and this issomething you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five-incherbefore and get a nine-incher now she might be a bit put out. If you hada nine-incher before and you decide to only invest in a five-inchernow, she might be disappointed. It's important that she plays a role inhelping you make a decision."The man agrees to talk it over with his wife.The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?""Yes, I have," says the man."And has she helped you make a decision?""Yes" says the man."What is your decision?" asks the doctor."We're getting granite counter tops."
Traveler2586 Posted November 3, 2013 Author Posted November 3, 2013 "We're getting granite counter tops."Â That's that same thing my wife would say.....Â
Traveler2586 Posted November 3, 2013 Author Posted November 3, 2013 An elderly couple were invited to an old friend's home for dinner one evening. Â The lady of the house was impressed by the way her lady friend preceded every request to her husband with endearing terms such as: Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin etc. Â The couple had been married almost 70 years and clearly they were still very much in love. Â While the husband was in the living room, she leaned over to her guest and said, "I think it's wonderful that after all these years, you still call your husband all those loving pet names. Â The elderly lady hung her head "I have to tell you the truth", she said, Â "His name slipped my mind about 10 years ago and I'm scared to death to ask the cranky old basshole what his name is." 1
Super User Sam Posted November 3, 2013 Super User Posted November 3, 2013 Blond Men Jokes   This is a twist ----- Whether you are blond - brunette - or sans either, I hope you find the following as rollicking funny as I did . . . .  A friend told the blond man: "Christmas is on a Friday this year." The blond man then said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th." ------------------------------------ Two blond men find three grenades, and they decide to take them to a police station. One asked: "What if one explodes before we get there?" The other says: "We'll lie and say we only found two." ------------------------------------ A woman phoned her blonde neighbor man and said: "Close your curtains the next time you & your wife are having sex. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday." To which the blonde man replied: "Well the joke's on all of you because I wasn't even at home yesterday." ------------------------------------ A blonde man is in the bathroom and his wife shouts: "Did you find the shampoo?" He answers, "Yes, but I'm not sure what to do.... it's for dry hair, and I've just wet mine." ------------------------------ A blonde man goes to the vet with his goldfish. "I think it's got epilepsy," he tells the vet. The vet takes a look and says, "It seems calm enough to me." The blonde man says, "Wait, I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet." ------------------------------------ A blond man spies a letter lying on his doormat. It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND ". He spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up. ------------------------------------ A blond man shouts frantically into the phone "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor. "No!" he shouts, "this is her husband!" ------------------------------------ A blonde man was driving home, drunk as a skunk. Suddenly he has to swerve to avoid a tree, then another, then another. A cop car pulls him over, so he tells the cop about all the trees in the road. The cop says, "That's your air freshener swinging about!" ------------------------------------ A blonde man's dog goes missing and he is frantic.. His wife says "Why don't you put an ad in the paper?" He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing. "What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks. "Here boy!" he replies. ------------------------------------ A blond man is in jail. Guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet. "Just WHAT are you doing?" he asks. "Hanging myself," the blond replies. "It should be around your neck" says the guard. "I tried that," he replies, "but then I couldn't breathe." ------------------------------------ An Italian tourist asks a blonde man: "Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?" To which the blonde man replies: "If they fell forward, they'd still be in the boat."        3
CayMar Posted November 4, 2013 Posted November 4, 2013 "I can't keep it to myself any longer," a man said to his friend. " I've been getting it on with my girlfriend and her twin." "Impressive," the friend remarked. " How do you tell them apart?" The man replied," Her brother's got a moustache." 8
Super User Raider Nation Fisher Posted November 4, 2013 Super User Posted November 4, 2013 "I can't keep it to myself any longer," a man said to his friend. " I've been getting it on with my girlfriend and her twin." "Impressive," the friend remarked. " How do you tell them apart?" The man replied," Her brother's got a moustache." ROFLMFAO!!!!!!!!! That is funny as hell!
Super User Sam Posted November 7, 2013 Super User Posted November 7, 2013 This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid So, she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a heavy parka and a leather jacket at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she if OK. She replies yes. He asks what she is doing and she replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb, and she wanted to do it by painting the house..He then asks her why she has a parka over her leather jacket. She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and it said..."FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS." Â Â Â 2
Super User Sam Posted November 17, 2013 Super User Posted November 17, 2013 We had an incident in Richmond, Virginia at our city's marathon this past Saturday.  A 65-year old National Guard sergeant from Fort Lee assaulted a lady in one of our parks.  He was charged with assault with a dead weapon.
Super User slonezp Posted November 17, 2013 Super User Posted November 17, 2013 We had an incident in Richmond, Virginia at our city's marathon this past Saturday.  A 65-year old National Guard sergeant from Fort Lee assaulted a lady in one of our parks.  He was charged with assault with a dead weapon. http://youtu.be/e38fKQSSnZQ
Super User Sam Posted November 22, 2013 Super User Posted November 22, 2013 ONE OF US  A guy walks into a bar in rural Alabama and orders a white wine. All the good ole boyz sitting around the bar look up from their beer and whiskey, expecting to see some pitiful Yankee from the north. The bartender says, "You ain't from around here, are ya?" The guy says, "No, I'm from Canada." The bartender says, "What do you do in Canada?" The guy says, "I'm a taxidermist." The bartender says, "A taxidermist? What in the hell is a taxidermist? Do you drive a taxi?" "No," says the Canadian, "I don't drive a taxi, I mount animals." The bartender grins and hollers, "It's okay boys. He’s one of us!" 3
Super User Sam Posted November 22, 2013 Super User Posted November 22, 2013    Cabbie picks up a Nun.  She gets into the cab, and notices that the driver is VERY handsome and the cab driver won't stop staring at her.  She asks him why he is staring.  He replies: I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."  She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."  "Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."  She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic."  The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"  "OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."  The nun fulfills his fantasy, with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.  But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.  "My dear child," says the nun, "why are you crying?"  "Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."  The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party. 6
Super User rockchalk06 Posted November 26, 2013 Super User Posted November 26, 2013 I seen one on FB today. You can tell millions of people that an invisible man lives in the heavens and created the heavens and earth and they will believe you even go to war to make someone believe, but put a wet paint sign up and they have to touch it to make sure! 2
Super User Ratherbfishing Posted November 27, 2013 Super User Posted November 27, 2013 Since you mentioned an invisible man, Did you hear that the invisible man and a ghost began dating? Well, they weren't actually SEEING one another. 1
KyakR Posted December 5, 2013 Posted December 5, 2013 Couple of middle-aged women are with their Irish tour guide in Scotland. A flock of sheep begins to cross the road in front of their car, followed by a Scotsman in a kilt running full out behind them. One of the women turns to the guide and says, "I always wondered why Scotsmen wear kilts.......any idea?" "Yep," says the guide. "Sheep can hear a zipper at 500 yards." 3
Super User slonezp Posted December 6, 2013 Super User Posted December 6, 2013 A doctor was addressing a large audience in Oxford ..."The material we put into our stomachs should have killed most of ussitting here years ago. Red meat is full of steroids and dye. Softdrinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG.High trans-fat diets can be disastrous and none of us realizes thelong-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But, there isone thing that is the most dangerous of all and most of us have, or willeat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the mostgrief and suffering for years after eating it ?"After several seconds of quiet, a 70-year-old man in the front rowraised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake." 3
KyakR Posted December 16, 2013 Posted December 16, 2013 Don't rest it yet  http://youtu.be/344UzGjDCSY 1
scrutch Posted December 20, 2013 Posted December 20, 2013 Don't rest it yet  http://youtu.be/344UzGjDCSY  I'd rather kick myself in the nuts than do what those two did! 1
Super User Sam Posted December 21, 2013 Super User Posted December 21, 2013 Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party.  As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.  Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose!! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror.Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick:  "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling!Love, Jillian"He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His 16 year old son is also at the table, eating.Jack asks, "Son... What happened last night?""Well, you came home after 3 a.m., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door."Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??"His son replies, "Oh THAT... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed.... "Leave me alone, I'm married!!"Broken Coffee Table $439.99Hot Breakfast $6.20Two Aspirins $.38Saying the right thing, at the right time - PRICELESS 5
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