Jokes - Let's Have Some Fun

[BassAddict1911]

A doctor tells a guy: "I have bad news. You have Alzheimer's, and you have cancer." Guy says, "Thank God I don't have cancer."

[Tuckahoe Joe]

A cop is parked across the street from a bar at closing time looking to pull over some drunk drivers.  He sees a man, who's obviously plastered, walk out into the parking lot.  The man is stumbling all over the place for a good 10 or 15 minutes.  After trying his key in several different cars, he finally finds his own, gets in, and fumbles with the ignition.  While this is happening, the other bar patrons also head to their cars and drive away but the cop thinks 'this guy is really messed up...if I let him drive he may kill someone'.  So he waits.  The parking lot empties and finally the gentleman pulls out of the parking lot.  As soon as he gets on the road the officer pulls him over.  He asks him to step out of the vehicle and proceeds to administer the standard DUI tests.  Stand on one leg, say your ABC's backwards, walk a strait line, and all that.  Surprisingly the man aces each test without a problem.  Completely stunned, the cop asks the man to take a breathalyzer test.  The man complies, blows into the device and much to the officers amazement, the meter reads 0.0.  The cop says 'what's going on here?  I could have sworn you were 10 sheets to the wind!'.  The man gives the officer a wry smile and replies 'I'm the designated decoy'.

[Grizzn N Bassin]

^^^^^ thats funny stuff right there^^^^

[slonezp]

Two Texans were out drinkin' and talking about their favorite sex positions. 

One said, "I think I enjoy the rodeo position the best."

"I don't think I have ever heard of that one," said the other Texan. "What is it?"

"Well.........it's where you get your wife down on all fours and you mount her from behind.  Then.....

you reach around and cup her breasts in your hands and whisper in  her ear......... 'By Jesus, these feel just like your sister's.' 

 

Then you try and stay on for  8 seconds!"

[Redlinerobert]

^ LOL

[Traveler2586]

 

"Then you try and stay on for  8 seconds!"

 

 

 

[Traveler2586]

 

"If the fish won't come to me I'll go to them"

 

You think this is where the "Hook N' Look" TV show came from????

[Sam]

Toughest SEC football player there is...

 

Three SEC football players were seated around the dinner table in Tuscaloosa over the summer and with the pride for which these men were famous it was a night of bravado - a night of tall tales. 

Bobby Joe, the linebacker from Alabama says, "I must be the strongest, meanest, toughest player in the SEC there is.  Why, just the other day, a bull got loose in the cheerleader’s corral.  It had gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground by the horns with my bare hands and castrated that sucker with my teeth."

Jamarcus, Auburn’s tight end, couldn't stand to be bested. "That's nothing, I was walking on the campus yesterday and a 15 foot diamondback rattler slid out from under a rock and made a move for me.  I grabbed that wretched with my bare hands, bit off its head, and sucked the poison down in one gulp and didn't even get a belly ache."

Big Boudreaux, LSU’s running back, remained silent, slowly stirring the campfire coals with his pecker...

[Traveler2586]

Safe My Drowning Wife
Standing at the edge of the lake, a man saw a woman flailing about in the deep water.

 

Unable to swim, the man screamed for help.

 

A trout fisherman ran up. The man said, "My wife is drowning and I can't swim. Please save her. I'll give you a hundred dollars."

 

The fisherman dove into the water. In ten powerful strokes, he reached the woman, put his arm around her, and swam back to shore.

 

Depositing her at the feet of the man, the fisherman said, "Okay, where's my hundred dollars?"

 

The man said, "Look, when I saw her going down for the third time, I thought it was my wife. But this is my mother-in-law."

 

The fisherman reached into his pocket and said, "Just my luck.

 

 

How much do I owe you?

[A-Jay]

A man passed out on the beach in Miami for four hours, and got a
horrible sunburn, specifically to the front of his legs above his
knees.

He went to the hospital, and was promptly admitted after being
diagnosed with second-degree burns.

With his skin already starting to blister, and the severe pain he was
in, the doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline,
electrolytes, a sedative, and a little Blue pill every four hours.

The nurse, who was rather astounded, asked, 'What good will the Little Blue pill do
for him, Doctor?

The doctor replied, 'It won't do anything for his condition, but it'll
keep the sheet off his legs.

 

 

A-Jay

[A-Jay]

 

 

A-Jay

[Raider Nation Fisher]

A little port o jon poetry for you. Edited somewhat. You can figure it out. This is in response to the low life that took nine rolls of TP from the outhouse at work last night. Without further ado.

Here I sit amongst the vapors.

Some mother ______ stole all the toilet paper.

The heat is bad. The smell is worse.

If I stay much longer I will leave in a hearse.

I must not wait. I must not linger.

Watch out _____ _____ here comes the finger!

[CayMar]

Here is one my buddies 12 year old daughter told us:

How does a man with no arms or legs cross the freeway?

Hint: Take the f out of free and the f out of way.

[slonezp]

Speaking of outhouses, I was at a fest last week and the portopotties had warning stickers inside. I never knew drinking or cooking with the blue water was unacceptable.

[Raider Nation Fisher]

Speaking of outhouses, I was at a fest last week and the portopotties had warning stickers inside. I never knew drinking or cooking with the blue water was unacceptable.

Who would have thought. I woulda figured it was nutritious.

[Sam]

A man and a woman were having a quiet, romantic dinner in a fine restaurant.

They were gazing lovingly at each other and holding hands.

 

The waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away,
suddenly noticed the man slowly sliding down his chair and under
the table, but the woman stared straight ahead.

 

The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair

and out of sight under the table.  Still, the woman stared straight ahead.

 

The waitress, thinking this behavior a bit risqué and that it might offend other diners, went over to the table and, tactfully, began by saying to the woman "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table."

 

The woman calmly looked up at her and said, "No, he didn't. He just walked in the door."

 

[Traveler2586]

One recent Sunday, a young boy arrived to his Sunday school class late.

 

His teacher knew that the boy was usually very prompt and asked him if anything was wrong.

 

The boy replied no, that he was going to go fishing, but that his dad told him that he needed to go to church instead.

 

The teacher was very impressed and asked the boy if his father had explained to him why it was more important to go to church rather than to go fishing.

 

To which the boy replied, "Yes, ma'am, he did.

 

 

My dad said that he didn't have enough bait for both of us.

[tomustang]

[Traveler2586]

 

 

 

  

[Traveler2586]

David, the fisherman, had driven by the lake many times and had seen some other anglers about, so he decided to give his luck a try.

 

On his first day of fishing he had no luck at all but noticed that another fisherman near him that was scooping in one after another.

 

He had to know The Secret. "Excuse me sir, but would you mind telling me what sort of bait you are using?" he asked.

 

The other man looked around a bit embarrassed. "Well, I am a surgeon, and quite by accident I found that human tonsil works very well."

 

David thanked the man, thought about what sort of bait to try next time, and left.

 

The next day, David returned to the lake, tried a different bait and still had no luck.

 

Just as the day before, there was yet a different man reeling in fish after fish.

 

"Excuse me," asked David, "but could you suggest a bait that I could try?"

 

"Well, I can, but I am not sure it will do you any good. I am using a bit of human appendix."

 

"Hmm," thought David. It seemed that the fish in this lake would require a little more effort than normal.

 

He left, willing to give the lake one more try.

 

On the third day, David still had no luck. As was usual, there was yet another man near him bringing in fish left and right. David wanted to confirm what he already knew.

 

"Excuse me sir, but are you a doctor?"

 

"No, I am a Rabbi." replied the man.

[papajoe222]

Three business men were having drinks after a boring day of meetings and the subject of conversation got around to their sons.

 

Shoot,  I told this one already.

[Sam]

One of my bass fishing club friends went on the "Plenty of Fish" dating site.
So far, he dated a whale who gave him crabs!

[slonezp]

THE JEWISH SAMURAI

Once upon a time, a powerful Emperor of the Rising Sun

 advertised for a new Chief Samurai.

After a year, only three applied for the job:

 a Japanese, a Chinese and a Jew.
"Demonstrate your skills!" commanded the Emperor.

The Japanese samurai stepped forward, opened a tiny

 box, and released a fly. He drew his samurai sword

 and Swish! the fly fell to the floor, neatly divided in two!

"What a feat!" said the Emperor. "Number Two Samurai,

 show me what you do."
The Chinese samurai smiled confidently, stepped forward and

 opened a tiny box, releasing a fly. He drew his samurai

sword and Swish! Swish! The fly fell to the floor

neatly quartered."That is skill!" nodded

 the Emperor."How are you going to top that,
Number three Samurai?"
The Jewish samurai, Obi-wan Cohen, stepped forward,

 opened a tiny box releasing one fly, drew his samurai sword

 and Swoooooosh! flourished his sword so mightily that a gust

 of wind blew through the room. But the fly was still

 buzzing around!In disappointment, the Emperor said,

 "What kind of skill is that?

 The fly isn't even dead."


"Dead?" replied the Jewish Samurai.

 ......"Dead is easy. But Circumcision...?!"

[Sam]

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

 

 

The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, dropped to the ground and began to roll around in agony. The woman rushed over apologizing profusely.

 

     

"Please allow me to help", she said. "I’m a Physical Therapist and know I could relieve your pain if you’d allow me."

 

 

"Thanks, but I’ll be all right in a few minutes," the man replied. But he was in obvious agony, still lying in the fetal position clasping his hands at his groin.

 

She persisted however, and he finally relented. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, "‘How does that feel?"

 

"Feels great", he replied, "but I still think my thumb may be broken!"

[Sam]

Claude The Hypnotist at the Senior Home

 

It was entertainment night at the senior citizens' center.

 

After the community sing along led by Alice at the piano, it was time for the star of the show - Claude the Hypnotist!

 

Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance. "Yes, each and every one of you and all at the same time." said Claude.

 

The excited chatter dropped to silence as Claude carefully withdrew from his waistcoat pocket; a beautiful antique gold pocket watch and  chain.
 

"I want you to keep your eyes on this watch" said Claude, holding the watch high for all to see. "It is a very special and valuable watch that has been in my family for six generations" said Claude.

 

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting "Watch the watch --- Watch the watch ----Watch the watch"

 

The audience became  mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth. The lights were twinkling as they were reflected from its gleaming  surfaces. A hundred and fifty pairs of eyes followed the movements of the gently swaying the watch. They were hypnotized.

 

And then, suddenly, the chain broke!!!

 

The beautiful watch fell to the stage and burst apart on impact!

 

"S&$T!" yelled Claude.

 

It took them three days to clean the Senior Citizens' Center, and Claude was never invited there again.