Jokes - Let's Have Some Fun

[Traveler2586]

The Cost Of Fishing

Two avid fishermen go on a fishing trip. They rent all the equipment: the reels, the rods, the wading suits, the rowboat, the car, and even a cabin in the woods. They spend a fortune.

 

The first day they go fishing, but they don't catch anything. The same thing happens on the second day, and on the third day. It goes on like this until finally, on the last day of their vacation, one of the men catches a fish.

 

As they're driving home they're really depressed. One guy turns to the other and says, "Do you realize that this one lousy fish we caught cost us fifteen hundred dollars?"

 

The other guy says, "Wow! It's a good thing we didn't catch any more!"

 

 

How many times have you thought about the cost of your one catch of the day?

[Bankbeater]

The Cost Of Fishing

Two avid fishermen go on a fishing trip. They rent all the equipment: the reels, the rods, the wading suits, the rowboat, the car, and even a cabin in the woods. They spend a fortune.

 

The first day they go fishing, but they don't catch anything. The same thing happens on the second day, and on the third day. It goes on like this until finally, on the last day of their vacation, one of the men catches a fish.

 

As they're driving home they're really depressed. One guy turns to the other and says, "Do you realize that this one lousy fish we caught cost us fifteen hundred dollars?"

 

The other guy says, "Wow! It's a good thing we didn't catch any more!"

 

 

How many times have you thought about the cost of your one catch of the day?

More times than I care to think about!

[Long Mike]

It's much the same way playing golf.  My cost per stroke was always MUCH lower than the rest of my foursome.  That's why I took up bass fishing.  But, alas, my cost per bass is now much higher than that of others.

[Traveler2586]

A couple of young boys were fishing at their special pond off the beaten track. All of a sudden, the Game Warden jumped out of the bushes.

Immediately, one of the boys threw his rod down and started running through the woods like a bat out of hell. The Game Warden was hot on his heels.

 

After about a half mile, the young man stopped and stooped over with his hands on his thighs to catch his breath, so the Game Warden finally caught up to him.

 

"Let's see yer fishin' license, Boy!" the Warden gasped.

 

With that, the boy pulled out his wallet and gave the Game Warden a valid fishing license.

 

"Well, son," said the Game Warden. "You must be about as dumb as a box of rocks! You don't have to run from me if you have a valid license!"

 

"Yes, sir," replied the young guy. "But my friend back there, well, he don't have one."

[CPBassFishing]

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.” The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?” The boy takes the quarters and leaves. “What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!” Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. “Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?” The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!”

[CPBassFishing]

Another:

Two blondes were fishing by the river and a game warden came up and asked them what are you doing...well we are fishing he asked them for there fishing license and they stated we don't have one and he said let me see your lines so they pulled them up and and they had magnets on the end of the line..hmm well there is nothing wrong with that if you want to clean up the lake. As the game warden walked off one blonde said to the other one stupid game warden does he not know there are steel head in the river...

[Low_Budget_Hooker]

"Hello, is this the FBI?"
"Yes. What do you want?"
"I'm calling to report about my neighbor Billy Bob Smith! He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood."
"Thank you very much for the call, sir."
The next day, the FBI agents descend on Billy Bob's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swore at Billy Bob and left. The phone rings at Billy Bob's house.
"Hey Billy Bob! Did the FBI come?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yep."
"Happy Birthday Buddy"

 

[Redlinerobert]

[mrmacwvu1]

i did that hot yoga one time to impress a girl

 

that is the last time i will ever do that again

 

that is actually a pretty accurate description of what goes on

[slonezp]

A wife being the romantic sort, sent her husband a text

if you are sleeping, send me your dreams.

If you are laughing, send me your smile.

If you are eating, send me a bite.

If you are drinking, send me a sip

If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you!


The husband's reply,


I'm on the toilet. Please advise.
 

[deaknh03]

A wife being the romantic sort, sent her husband a text

if you are sleeping, send me your dreams.

If you are laughing, send me your smile.

If you are eating, send me a bite.

If you are drinking, send me a sip

If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you!

The husband's reply,

I'm on the toilet. Please advise.

 

I can't wait for 4k more of these gems.

[Traveler2586]

A wife being the romantic sort, sent her husband a text

if you are sleeping, send me your dreams.

If you are laughing, send me your smile.

If you are eating, send me a bite.

If you are drinking, send me a sip

If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you!

The husband's reply,

I'm on the toilet. Please advise.

 

 

[Traveler2586]

Four married guys go fishing.

 

After an hour, the following conversation took place.

 

First guy: " You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend."

 

Second guy: " that's nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool."

 

Third guy: " Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her."

 

They continue to fish when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word. So they asked him. You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend. " What's the deal?"

 

Fourth guy: " I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut off my alarm, gave the wife a nudge and said, " Fishing or Sex" and she said, " Wear a Sweater."

[Redlinerobert]

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane.

He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat . As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his.

Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, "Business trip or pleasure?"

She turned, smiled and said, "Business.  I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston "

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer," she responded. "I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"Really?" he said, "And what kind of myths are there?"

"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.

Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best.

I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck."

Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don't even know your name."

"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba."

[Bankbeater]

A wife being the romantic sort, sent her husband a text

if you are sleeping, send me your dreams.

If you are laughing, send me your smile.

If you are eating, send me a bite.

If you are drinking, send me a sip

If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you!

The husband's reply,

I'm on the toilet. Please advise.

 

That's great!

[Traveler2586]

The tax man cometh

At the end of the tax year, the IRS office sent an inspector to audit the books of a local hospital

 

While the IRS agent was checking the books, he turned to the CFO of the hospital and said,?"I notice you buy a lot of bandages. What do you do with the end of the roll when there's too little left to be of any use? 

 

"Good question ," noted the CFO. "We save them up and send them back to the bandage company and every once in a while, they send us a free roll."

 

"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer.

 

But on he went, in his obnoxious way; "What about all these plaster purchases? What do you do with what's left over after setting a cast on a patient?

 

"Ah, yes," replied the CFO, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We save it and send it back to the manufacturer and every so often they will send us a free bag of plaster."

 

"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all CFO. "Well," he went on, "What do you do with all the remains from the circumcision surgeries?"

 

"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the CFO. "What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the IRS office, and about once a year they send us a complete pr__k."

[FrogFreak]

One day this ole boy was out duck hunting and he'd had a great day. He was walking back to his truck and here comes the game warden. The warden asks to see one of the ducks. The ole boy hands him a duck and the warden sticks his finger up the ducks butt and tastes his finger and says, "that's a North Dakota duck, do you have a North Dakota duck license?" Well the ole boy pulls out a ND license. The warden then asks to see another duck. He once again sticks his finger in the ducks butt, tastes his finger and says, "This here is a Minnesota duck, do you have a Minnesota duck license?" The ole boy pulls out his MN license. This happens several more times and the ole boy had all the licenses. Finally the warden said, "d**n son, you sure have a bunch of licenses, where are you from?" The ole boy drops his drawers, turns around, bends over and says, "I don't know warden, why don't you tell me!"

[Traveler2586]

"I don't know warden, why don't you tell me!"
 

 

[Redlinerobert]

[Tuckahoe Joe]

 

 

That's too funny!

[slonezp]

On their wedding night, the young bride
Approached her new husband and asked
For $20.00 for their first lovemaking
Encounter.
In his highly aroused state,
Her husband readily agreed.
This scenario was repeated each time they made
Love, for more than 40 years, with him thinking that it was a
Cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that
She needed.
Arriving home around noon one day, she was
Surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state.
During the next few minutes, he explained that
His employer was going through a process of corporate
Downsizing, and he had been let go.


It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find
Another position that paid anywhere near what
He'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.


Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which
Showed more than forty years of steady deposits and interest totaling
Nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued
By the
bank which was worth over $2 million,
And informed him that they
Were one of the largest depositors in the bank.


She explained that for more than
Three decades she had 'charged' him for sex,
These holdings had multiplied and these were the
Results of her savings and investments.

Faced with evidence of cash and investments
Worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could
Barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out,
'If I'd had any idea what you were doing,
I would have given you all my business!'

That's when she shot him.

[Dwight Hottle]

A circus owner ran an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up. One is a retired golfer in his late sixties and the other is a gorgeous blond in her mid-twenties. The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you two had better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment -- chair, a whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"

 

The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About halfway there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body. The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss her entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet. The circus owner's jaw is on the floor. He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life."

 

He then turns to the retired golfer and asks, "Can you top that?"

 

The tough old golfer replies, "No problem, just get that lion out of there."

 

[Traveler2586]

A man went to the drug store to get something to relieve the pain in his arm thinking it was arthritis; he wanted to speak to the pharmacist. While waiting he looked around spotting a machine in the corner advertising "Instant Medical Results Without Going To the Doctor". Curiosity got the best of him so he reads the directions which say, "Take a specimen cup, give a P sample, deposit $10 pour in the sample and receive the diagnosis and cure he follows the instructions and waits. Suddenly, out pops a paper with the results. It states he has tennis elbow and he is to get some ointment on his arm and not use it for two weeks and it should be fine.

He gets home and begins to think of modern day medical advances. Again curiosity gets the best of him and decides to put the machine to the test. Getting a clean jar he puts some tap water in it. His wife had used the bathroom so he gets some of her P and puts it in the jar; his daughter also used the bathroom and gets a sample of her P. He even goes outside and puts some of the dogs droppings into the jar. He wonders if that is really enough so, he plays around putting some of his own offering into the jar and mixes the mess up good. He then rushes back to the store put $10 into the slot pours in the specimen and waits.

The results pop out after sometime and reads:
1-Your water is hard--install a water softener.
2-Your dog has skin allergies--bathe him in some good shampoo.
3-Your daughter has a cocaine habit --get her into rehab.
4-Your wife is pregnant with twin girls--they're not yours--get a good lawyer.
5-If you don't quit playing with yourself your elbow will never get better.

[Dwight Hottle]

10 Finkers

Ole vas vorking at da fish plant up nort in Dulut vhen he accidentally cut off all ten of his finkers.

He vent to da emergency room in the Clinik and vhen he got dar da Norsky doctor looked at Ole and said, "Okie dokie, let's have da finkers and I'll see vhat I can do."

Ole said, "I haven't got da finkers."

"Vhat do you mean, you hafen't got da finkers?" he said. "Lordy- it's 2013 and Ive's got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible surgery techniques. I could hafe put dem back on and made you like new! Vhy didn't you brink da finkers?"

 

 

Ole says........."How da fock vas I suppose to pick dem up?"

[slonezp]

A man and his young son are in the drugstore when the son comes across the condoms and asks his father what they are. The dad replies, "Well son, those are condoms and they're for protection when you're having sex."



The son then picks up one of the packs and asks why it has three in it. The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."



The son then picks up one with six condoms asks, "Why six?"



The dad replies, "Well son, those are for college men. Two for Friday, two for Saturday and two for Sunday."



The son then notices the 12 pack of condoms and asks the same question.



The dad replies, "Son, those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March...."