Jokes - Let's Have Some Fun

[CayMar]

A woman walks into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"Hunting Flies" he responded.

"Oh. Killing any? " she asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked, "How can you tell?"

He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

[slonezp]

A small zoo in Wisconsin obtained a very rare species of gorilla.

Within a few weeks, the gorilla, a female, became very

difficult to handle.

Upon examination, the veterinarian determined the problem.

The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there was

no male gorilla available.

Thinking about their problem, the Zoo Keeper thought

of Bobby Lee Walton, a redneck part-time worker

responsible for cleaning the animal cages. Bobby Lee,

like most rednecks, had little sense but he did possess ample

ability to satisfy a female of any species.

The Zoo Keeper thought they might have a solution. Bobby Lee

was approached with proposition. Would he be willing

to mate with the gorilla for $500.00?

Bobby Lee showed some interest, but said he would

have to think the matter over carefully. The following

day, he announced that he would accept their offer,

but only under five conditions:

"First," Bobby Lee said, "I ain't gonna kiss her on the
lips." The Keeper quickly agreed to this condition.

"Second," he said, "She must wear a 'Dale Earnhardt
Forever' T-Shirt." The keeper again readily agreed to this

condition.

"Third," he said, "you can't never tell no one about this."
The keeper again readily agreed to this condition.

"Fourth," Bobby Lee said, "I want all the children raised
Southern Baptist." Once again it was agreed.

"And last," Bobby Lee said, "I'll need another week to come
up with the $500.00.

[Traveler2586]

My lady friend forgot her glasses.....

 

Yesterday my friends daughter again asked why she didn't do something useful with her time.

 

Talking about "doing something useful" seemed to be her favorite topic of conversation.

 

She was "only thinking of my friend" and suggested she come down to the senior center and hang out with us guys.

My friend did this and when she got home last night she decided to teach her daughter a lesson about staying out of her business.

 

She told her daughter that she had joined a parachute club.
 

Her daughter said, "Are you nuts? You 're almost 72 years old and you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?"

My friend proudly showed her that she even got a membership card.
 

Her daughter said "Good grief, where are your glasses!
 

This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club."
 

When she told her daughter she signed up for five jumps a week.

 

Her daughter fainted.

Life as a senior citizen is not getting any easier but sometimes it can be fun, we're thinking about taking up the suggestion about starting the club.

 

[Tuckahoe Joe]

Why does a squirrel swim on his back?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

To keep his nuts dry!

[slonezp]

Little Johnnie's neighbor had a baby. Unfortunately, the baby was born
without ears.


When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnnie's family was
invited over to see the baby. Before they left their house, Little Johnnie's
dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears.

His dad also told him that if he so much as mentioned anything about the
baby's missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the spanking of
his life when they came back home.

Little Johnnie told his dad he understood completely. When Johnnie looked in
the crib he said,'What a beautiful baby. 'The mother said, 'Why,Thank you,
Johnnie. Johnnie said, 'He has beautiful little feet, beautiful little
hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see all right?'

'Yes', the mother replied, 'we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have
20/20 Vision.'

'That's great', said Little Johnnie, 'coz he'd be in deep **** if he needed
glasses.

[clayton86]

Little Johnnie's neighbor had a baby. Unfortunately, the baby was born

without ears.

When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnnie's family was

invited over to see the baby. Before they left their house, Little Johnnie's

dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears.

His dad also told him that if he so much as mentioned anything about the

baby's missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the spanking of

his life when they came back home.

Little Johnnie told his dad he understood completely. When Johnnie looked in

the crib he said,'What a beautiful baby. 'The mother said, 'Why,Thank you,

Johnnie. Johnnie said, 'He has beautiful little feet, beautiful little

hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see all right?'

'Yes', the mother replied, 'we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have

20/20 Vision.'

'That's great', said Little Johnnie, 'coz he'd be in deep **** if he needed

glasses.

I actually laughed out loud when I read that and woke my son up sleeping next to me in the recliner.

[slonezp]

 

A Californian and an Arizonian were Elk hunting in the Arizona mountains when an illegal alien runs across a clearing.

The Arizonian takes careful aim, shoots, and kills him.

"You can't do that!" cried the Californian.

"It's legal here in Arizona " replies the Arizonian.

Later that night the Californian goes to town to buy some beer from Wal-Mart. He puts the beer on the roof of his truck and while he's making room behind the seat, an illegal alien runs by, grabs the beer, and runs away.

The Californian draws his pistol, shoots, and kills him.

As he is retrieving his beer the police come and arrest him.

"But I thought it was legal to shoot illegal aliens here in Arizona !" protests the Californian.

"Well yeah," says the cop, "but you can't use bait."

[mark nowak]

Saint Peter is sitting at the Pearly Gates when two guys wearing dark hoodies, and sagging pants, arrive.

St. Peter looked out through the Gates and said, "Wait here. I'll be right back."

St. Peter goes over to God's chambers and tells him who is waiting for entrance. God says to Peter: "How many times do I have to tell you? You can't be judgmental here. This is heaven. All are loved. All are brothers. Go back and let them in!"

St. Peter goes back to the Gates, looks around, and lets out a heavy sigh. He returns to God's chambers and says, "Well, they're gone."
 
"The guys wearing hoodies?" asked God.
 
"No. The Pearly Gates."
 

[Bankbeater]

Saint Peter is sitting at the Pearly Gates when two guys wearing dark hoodies, and sagging pants, arrive.

St. Peter looked out through the Gates and said, "Wait here. I'll be right back."

St. Peter goes over to God's chambers and tells him who is waiting for entrance. God says to Peter: "How many times do I have to tell you? You can't be judgmental here. This is heaven. All are loved. All are brothers. Go back and let them in!"

St. Peter goes back to the Gates, looks around, and lets out a heavy sigh. He returns to God's chambers and says, "Well, they're gone."

 

"The guys wearing hoodies?" asked God.

 

"No. The Pearly Gates."

 

LOL!

[papajoe222]

It's Friday and Ben, 82yrs. old, has just finished his physical. 'I'm pleased to say that you're in excellent shape' the Dr. informs him. So Ed asks the doc to give him three * pills.  'What in the world are you going to do with three of them the Dr. inquires.  Well, My new honey is coming over tonight and I thought I might show her a good time.  'And the other two?'  Well, my landlady is stopping by on Sat. to collect the rent, and I thought I might be able to knock a little off, if you know what I mean and on Sun. my ex will be coming by to collect her alimony and I thought I'd show her what she's been missing.

The Dr. thought about it for a minute and agreed, on one condition.  First thing Mon. morning, Ed was to stop by so the doc could check him out.  The doc went home and didn't think about Ed until Mon. on his train ride into the city.

When he got to his office, Ed was already waiting there. With his arm in a sling.  'What the hell happened to you" the doc asked.

 

NOBODY SHOWED

[papajoe222]

An older couple is driving down the road when they get stopped by a trooper.  The man asks why and the trooper informs him that he was doing 60 in a 45.  I don't know how, the man replies. I had the cruise control set at 45.  'OH Harry, the wife interjects, You know this car doesn't have cruise control"  Harry shoots her a look as the trooper continues; And I noticed you weren't wearing your seat belt.  Well, I undid it to get my wallet out of my pocket.  'Oh Harry, the wife interrupts him again, You know you never wear your seat belt."

Harry turns to her and says; Will you PLEASE shut the f%#* up!!!  At which point the trooper bends down and looks across to the woman and asks if her husband is always that belligerent to which she replies:

 

Oh no officer..................ONLY WHEN HE'S BEEN DRINKING

[MarkH024]

On Wednesday afternoon, a fourth-grade teacher announces to her class, "Children, I'm going to ask you a question, and if anyone can answer it correctly, they can take tomorrow off from school." Of course, this gets the immediate and undivided attention of all the students. They lean forward in their chairs and listen intently.

"All right," says the teacher, "here is the question: How many grains of sand are there on the beach at the Oak Street beach?" Needless to say, none of the children knows the answer.

The following day, the teacher says, "If you can answer today's question correctly, you may take tomorrow off from school. The question is: How many drops of water are there in the Lake Michigan?"

The children sit in silence, frustrated by the second impossibly difficult question. Dirty Johnny, sitting in the back of the class, is particularly annoyed. "I'm gonna fix her,' he thinks. That night, he goes home and paints two golf balls black.

Friday, the teacher says, "Okay, here is today's question..." But before she can get it out, Dirty Johnny rolls the two painted golf balls to the front of the room. With a loud clatter, the golf balls hit the wall right below the blackboard.

Startled, the teacher looks around the room and says, "All right, who's the comedian with the black balls?"

"Eddie Murphy," Johnny replies. "I'll see ya Tuesday.

[mrmacwvu1]

that last one was a good one

[Traveler2586]

It was a cold winter day, when an old man walked out onto a frozen lake, cut a hole in the ice, dropped in his fishing line and began waiting for a fish to bite.

He was there for almost an hour without even a nibble when a young boy walked out onto the ice, cut a hole in the ice not too far from the old man and dropped in his fishing line. It only took about a minute and WHAM! a Largemouth Bass hit his hook and the boy pulled in the fish.

 

The old man couldn't believe it but figured it was just luck. But, the boy dropped in his line and again within just a few minutes pulled in another one.

This went on and on until finally the old man couldn't take it any more since he hadn't caught a thing all this time. He went to the boy and said, "Son, I've been here for over an hour without even a nibble. You have been here only a few minutes and have caught about half a dozen fish! How do you do it?"

 

The boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rrarm."

"What was that?" the old man asked.

Again the boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rarrm."

 

"Look," said the old man, "I can't understand a word you are saying."

 

So, the boy spit into his hand and said, "You have to keep the worms warm!"

[Traveler2586]

One Saturday morning Sam gets up early, dresses quietly, gets his lunch made, puts on his long johns, grabs his dog and goes to the garage to hook up his boat to the truck and down to the driveway he will go.

 

Coming out of his garage the rain is pouring down; it is like a torrential downpour, there is snow and sleet mixed in with the rain, the wind is blowing at over 50mph.

 

So much for that he thinks as he comes back into the house, turns the TV to the weather channel and finds it is going to be very bad weather all day long, so he quietly undresses and slips back into bed.

 

There he cuddles up to his wife's back, now with a different anticipation and whispers, "The weather out there is terrible".

 

To which she sleepily replies, "Yeah, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in it?"

[slonezp]

http://youtu.be/AF_nfazQaek

 

[jhoffman]

Little boy asks dad....

 

Boy: Where do babies come from

Father: Storks of course

Boy: You f****d a stork?

[Traveler2586]

A Fisherman's Philosophy

A sure way to get a bite on a slow day is:

Talk about changing spots
Prepare another rod while one is out
Lay your rod down unsecured
Go for a sandwich
Start to pull the boat anchor
Use the worst fly you own
Crack open your first beer
Crack open your last beer
Take notice of the chick on a passing boat, bank or beach
Watch others fishing
Start reeling in your lines at going home time
Give your fishing rod to a female companion or child to hold
When your landing net is out of reach
When you have cast your line over an obstruction
When you line has drifted into impossible weeds
When you turn to look at the sunrise or sunset
Decide that you need to take a leak

[Traveler2586]

Two Irish couple decides they'll swap partners for something a bit different.

 

 

After 3 hours of amazing fun (s**) Paddy says "I wonder how the girls are going?"

[NEjitterbugger]

 

Two Irish couple decides they'll swap partners for something a bit different.

 

 

After 3 hours of amazing fun (s**) Paddy says "I wonder how the girls are going?"

 

 

LOL

[slonezp]

 

Two Irish couple decides they'll swap partners for something a bit different.

 

 

After 3 hours of amazing fun (s**) Paddy says "I wonder how the girls are going?"

 

You still on the meds?

[Traveler2586]

You still on the meds?

LOL,  no, just lack of sleep. 

 

How are you doing?

[Traveler2586]

You know you have a keeper……..

 

when playing monopoly and your wife picks the Iron...

 

 

 

 

 

A guy walks in a bar and yells "drinks for everyone, including the bartender". Afterwards the bartender brought the man the tab and the man said "I don't have any money". The bartender took the man out back and proceeded to beat the hell out of him and left him lying in the alley.

 

The next day the guy walks in the bar and yells "drinks for everyone, including the bartender". The bartender thought good, he's got my money so he set the house up with drinks and took a double for himself. Afterwards the bartender brought the man the tab and the man said "I don't have any money". The bartender took the man out back and proceeded to beat the hell out of him again and left him lying in the alley.

 

The next day the same guy walks in the bar and yells "drinks for everyone, except for the bartender". The bartender asked the man why not me and the man said "because you get violent when you drink".

 

 

[Traveler2586]

            EXERCISE FOR PEOPLE OVER 60

 

 

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.

 

 

 

With a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can.

Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.

 

 

 

Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.

 

 

 

After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato bags.

 

 

 

Then try 50-lb potato bags and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level.)

 

 

 

 

 

 

After you feel confident at that level,

 

 

 

 

 

 

put a potato in each bag.

[AK-Jax86]

This ones for you Traveler

A woman goes to the doctor all black and blue.

Doctor: "What happened?"

Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk on Miller Lite he beats me to a pulp."

Doctor: "I have a real good remedy for that. When your husband comes home drunk on Miller Lite, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it in your mouth but don't swallow. Just keep swishing and swishing until he goes to bed in his Miller Lite stupor."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

Woman: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea. Every time my husband came home drunk on Miller Lite, I swished with sweet tea. I swished and swished, and he didn't touch me!"

Doctor: "You see how much keeping your mouth shut helps?"

Lol that was great I'm going to tell my girl this one