Shad_Master Posted June 18, 2012 Posted June 18, 2012 Outside a small Macedonian village, close to the border between Greece and strife-torn Yugoslavia, a lone Catholic nun keeps a quiet watch over a silent convent. She is the last caretaker of a site of significant historic developments. The convent once served as a base for the army of Attila the Hun. In more ancient times, a Greek temple to Eros, the god of love, occupied the hilltop site. The Huns are believed to have first collected and then destroyed a large gathering of Greek legal writs at the site. It is believed that Attila wanted to study the Greek legal system and had the writs and other documents brought to the temple, but then destroyed them to preserve his power. When the Greek Church took over the site in the 15th Century and the convent was built. Church leaders ordered the pagan statue of Eros destroyed, so another ancient Greek treasure was lost. Today, there is only the lone sister, watching over the old Hun base. And that's how it ends: No Huns, no writs, no Eros, and nun left on base.
Super User slonezp Posted June 19, 2012 Super User Posted June 19, 2012 Here's one for Fathers Day Reminds me of a bumper sticker I saw on an old beat up van "Don't laugh. Your daughter may be in here"
Traveler2586 Posted June 20, 2012 Author Posted June 20, 2012 Mobile phones problems After a busy day at work a woman settled down in her train seat for a nap from Waterloo as far as her destination at Winchester, when the fellow sitting near her hauled out his mobile and started up: "Hi darling it's Peter, I'm on the train..... - yes, I know it's the 6.30 not the 4.30 ..... but I had a long meeting - no, not with that floozy from the typing pool,.... with the boss. No darling, you're the only one in my life - yes, I'm sure, cross my heart" etc., etc....... This was still going on at Wimbledon, when the young woman opposite, driven beyond endurance, yelled at the top of her voice, "Hey, Peter, turn that bloody phone off and come back to bed!!" 1
Traveler2586 Posted June 22, 2012 Author Posted June 22, 2012 LOL,, that's probably the only way that little pea-shooter would ever be of use. If you used it on the bear it would do nothing but tick her off more.
Super User rockchalk06 Posted June 24, 2012 Super User Posted June 24, 2012 One day two priests decide to go fishing. They decide to take a new priest in training along with them. They all load into the boat and head out on the water. 15 minutes into fishing the 1st priest says "I sure am hungry. I think I will go to the car and grab a sandwich". The first priest gets out of the boat, walks across the water, goes to the car and returns. The priest in training can't believe what he just witnessed. He says to himself "he must have such a strong faith in God he can walk across water" About 20 minutes later the 2nd priest says "I sure am thirsty. I think I will go to the car and grab some drinks". The 2nd priest goes gets out of the boat, walks across the water, goes to the car and returns walking across the water. By this time the priest in training is blown away by this. Once again saying to himself "wow, his faith must be great in the lord to walk across the water". So he gets an idear to get a sandwich and test his faith. The priest in training steps out of the boat onto the water.......falls in and drowns. The 1st priest just sit there and looks baffeld. Turns and says the 2nd priest "think we shoulda told him where the rocks were?"
Traveler2586 Posted June 24, 2012 Author Posted June 24, 2012 The priest in training steps out of the boat onto the water.......
Traveler2586 Posted June 29, 2012 Author Posted June 29, 2012 I think there are a few things missing, like: landscaper painter IT professional software expert Roofer a convincing lier extremely patient I know there must be more, what can you come up with??? Although,,,, if we start going ***-for-tat with a woman on this subject you know we'll loose, it doesn't matter what we come up with, we always loose...... So lets add.... be a good looser never disagree
tipptruck1 Posted June 29, 2012 Posted June 29, 2012 I say forgot the booze. Many men have become a father because of booze. I would rather her bring me a bloody steak and a big glass of water.
Super User Sam Posted July 4, 2012 Super User Posted July 4, 2012 An Alabama, LSU and Tulane fan trio were playing golf and the play was very s-l-o-w due to the three guys in front of them. They asked one of the caddies what was the problem with the slow play. The caddie replied that these were professional firefighters who battled a very serious fire at the club a number of years ago and lost their sight. So the golf club lets them play for free once a year and this is the day. The Alabama fan said that was great. The LSU fan said it was teriffic. The Tulane fan asked why they could not play at night?
Traveler2586 Posted July 4, 2012 Author Posted July 4, 2012 ................ The Tulane fan asked why they could not play at night?
Traveler2586 Posted July 4, 2012 Author Posted July 4, 2012 Slim-for-Life Program A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program. The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign round her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads: "If you can catch me, you can have me." Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lb. as promised. He then calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads: "If you catch me you can have me." Well, he's out the door after her like a shot! This girl is in excellent shape and it takes him a while to catch her; but when he does, it's definitely worth every muscle cramp and wheeze, so for the next four days, the same routine happens. Much to his delight, on the fifth day he weighs himself to discover that he has lost another 20 lb. as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 lb. program. "Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone - "This is our most rigorous program." "Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years." The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge, muscular, 6'6" hairy man wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads: "I'm Leroy. If I catch you, you're mine..." 2
Traveler2586 Posted July 6, 2012 Author Posted July 6, 2012 His name was Bubba, he was from Mississippi ... And he needed a loan, So... He walked into a bank in New York City and asked for the loan Officer. He told the loan officer that he was going to Paris for an International redneck festival for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000 and that he was not a depositor of the bank. The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan, so the Redneck handed over the keys to a new Ferrari. The car was parked on the street in front of the bank. The Redneck produced the title and everything checked out. The loan officer agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan and apologized for having to charge 12% interest. Later, the bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the Redneck from the South for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral for a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank's private underground garage and parked it. Two weeks later, the Redneck returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest of $23.07. The loan officer said, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out on Dunn & Bradstreet and found that you are a Distinguished Alumni from Ole Miss University, a highly sophisticated investor and Multi-Millionaire with real estate and financial interests all over the world. Your investments include a large number of wind turbines around Sweetwater,Texas. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?" The good 'ole boy replied, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be there when I return?" His name was BUBBA.... Keep an eye on those southern boys! Just because we talk funny does not mean we are stupid. 1
Super User slonezp Posted July 14, 2012 Super User Posted July 14, 2012 One hot summer day, a blonde came to town with her dog, tied it under the shade of a tree, and headed into a restaurant for something cool to drink. Twenty minutes later, a policeman entered the restaurant and asked, "Who owns the dog tied under that tree outside?" The blonde said it was hers. "Your dog seems to be in heat" the officer said. The blonde replied, "No way. She's cool 'cause she's tied up under that shade tree." The policeman said, "No! You don't understand. Your dog needs to be bred." "No way," said the blonde. "My dog doesn't need bread. She isn't hungry' cause I fed her this morning." The exasperated policeman said, "NO! You don't understand. Your dog wants to have sex!" The blonde looked at the cop and said, "Well, go ahead. I always wanted a police dog."
Traveler2586 Posted July 14, 2012 Author Posted July 14, 2012 FLORIDA OR MOON Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, 'Which do you think is farther away... Florida or the moon?' The other blonde turns and says 'Hellooooo...??? Can yu see Florida...?
Captain Obvious Posted July 14, 2012 Posted July 14, 2012 Bill Clinton was coming back to D.C. after a short family vacation in Arkansas. When he step of the plane on to the ramp he was caring two pigs, one under each arm. Once he reached the end of the ramp a young marine was standing there at attention. As the the President was walking past the marine the following short conversation happen. Marine - " Those are some fine pigs Mr.President." Clinton - " Son these are not pigs these are 100% genuine Arkansas razor backs. I got one for Hillary and one for Chelsea." Marine - " That was a good trade sir..." Capt.O 1
Traveler2586 Posted July 14, 2012 Author Posted July 14, 2012 Marine - " That was a good trade sir..." Capt.O LOL, LOL,,,, Good one
Captain Obvious Posted July 15, 2012 Posted July 15, 2012 So one day a blonde was walking next to a railroad track. Along the way she ran into a red head who was skipping across the tracks shaking her head saying "34,34,34,34..." So the blonde went up to the red head and asked what she was doing? The red head said that she just got a kick out of shaking her head and skipping across the tracks saying 34. She suggested that the blonde should try it. So the blonde followed her suggestion and started skipping across the track shaking her head saying "34,34,34,34..." As this was going on a train came down the tracks and ran over the blonde. Meanwhile the red head waited for the train to pass.Once it did she got back on the track and proceeded to skip and shake her head while saying "35,35,35,35..." Capt.O
Traveler2586 Posted July 15, 2012 Author Posted July 15, 2012 34,,,34,,,34,,,34,,,,,, Really, what a waste of good blond.....
Traveler2586 Posted July 15, 2012 Author Posted July 15, 2012 RIVER WALK There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank 'Yoo-hoo!' she shouts, 'How can I get to the other side?' The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, 'You ARE on the other side.'
Super User slonezp Posted July 15, 2012 Super User Posted July 15, 2012 RIVER WALK There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank 'Yoo-hoo!' she shouts, 'How can I get to the other side?' The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, 'You ARE on the other side.' Alright Traveler, that's one of the original blonde jokes from 20 years ago. Time to get with the program. "Mommy, mommy! Why do I keep running in circles?" "Shut up or I'll nail you other foot to the floor!" "Momy, mommy! Daddy's throwing up in the bathroom" "So?" "Billy's getting all the big pieces"
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