Super User slonezp Posted March 29, 2012 Super User Posted March 29, 2012 Hear the one about the Polish fish? It drowned.
Super User Raider Nation Fisher Posted March 29, 2012 Super User Posted March 29, 2012 Hear the one about the Polish fish? It drowned. I just laughed so hard I choked on my sandwich.
Traveler2586 Posted March 29, 2012 Author Posted March 29, 2012 A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool… After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?' 'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'
Teh Posted March 29, 2012 Posted March 29, 2012 A drunk man stumbled out of a bar, and saw a nun walking down the street. He punched her in the face, and as she fell to the ground he said "Not so tough now are you Batman!" There were two muffins in the oven. The first muffin says, "Man its hot in here!" The second muffin said, "Holy crap a talking muffin!"
Traveler2586 Posted March 30, 2012 Author Posted March 30, 2012 Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?' Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'' The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'
Traveler2586 Posted March 30, 2012 Author Posted March 30, 2012 A woman was unhappy with the way her laundry was done at the local Chinese laundry, so she wrote a note and put in the laundry bag with the next collection of soiled clothes........ >>>>>>>>>>USE MORE SOAP ON PANTIES<<<<<<<<<<<<< When she got the laundry back she was still dissatisfied, so she put another note in the next collection bag that said. >>>>>>>>>>USE MORE SOAP ON PANTIES!!!!!<<<<<<<<<<< The Chinese laundryman became annoyed and when he deliver the clean laundry it contained a note from him. >>>>>>>I USED PLENTY OF SOAP ON PANTIES!!!! USE MORE PAPER ON Arse!!!!!! 2
Super User slonezp Posted March 31, 2012 Super User Posted March 31, 2012 A blonde's dog went missing and she became inconsolable. Her friend suggested, "Why don't you put an advertisement in the paper?" She did, but two weeks later the dog is still missing. "What did you write in the ad?" the friend asked. The blonde replied, "Here boy." 1
Super User Bassn Blvd Posted April 1, 2012 Super User Posted April 1, 2012 Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet? So she wouldn't wake up the sleeping pills. O.M.G., I'm rich! Silver in the hair Gold in the teeth Crystals in the kidneys Sugar in the blood Iron in the arteries AND An inexaustible supply of Natural Gas. I never thought I'd accumulate such wealth. What do you call a ghost's mother and father? Transparents. New Times When Americans woke up a few months ago, they suddenly realized: 15 years ago they had Steve Jobs, Johnny Cash and Bob Hope....Today they have no Jobs, no Cash and no Hope. 50-50 A little kid is in school, taking a true-false test and he's flipping a coin. At the end of the test he's flipping the coin again. The teacher says, "what are you doing?" He says, "I'm checking my answers." Trivia -No piece of paper can be folded in half more than 7 times. -Oak trees do not produce acorns until they are fifty years of age or older. -The first product to have a bar code was Wrigley's gum. -A Boeing 747's wing span is longer than the Wright brother's first flight. -Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise. -Apples, not caffiene, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning. -The first owner of the Marlboro company died of lung cancer. -Marilyn Monroe had 6 toes. -Betsy Ross is the only real person to ever have been on the head of a Pez dispenser. -Pearls melt in vinegar. -Average life span of a major league baseball? 7 pitches. -A ducks quack doesn't echo and no one knows why. Shakespeare Librarian to college football player. "May I help you?" Football player "I have to read a play by Shakespeare." Librarian "Which one?" Football player "William." Library book A blonde walks into the library, SLAMS a book down and screams at the librarian, - "This is the WORST book I've ever read!" "It has NO plot and far too many characters!" The librarian looks up at the blonde and calmly remarks -"So you're the one who took our phone book." True In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth. After that, everything else was made in China.
Super User slonezp Posted April 1, 2012 Super User Posted April 1, 2012 Marilyn Monroe had 6 toes. On 1 foot? or 5+1, 4+2, 3+3?
Super User Bassn Blvd Posted April 1, 2012 Super User Posted April 1, 2012 A duck quack echoes. Have you ever heard it's echo?
Super User Bassn Blvd Posted April 1, 2012 Super User Posted April 1, 2012 On 1 foot? or 5+1, 4+2, 3+3? How the heck do I know, I never seen her feet, but I'd say on one foot. I read it in a pamphlet of interesting facts. I have a two friends that have 6 toes on one foot.
OHIO Posted April 1, 2012 Posted April 1, 2012 Have you ever heard it's echo? No, but that doesn't mean it isn't true, http://www.snopes.com/critters/wild/duckecho.asp
Super User Bassn Blvd Posted April 1, 2012 Super User Posted April 1, 2012 The duck's echo question has been around for ions. I was reading where Mythbusters tested it out and say it's a myth. Besides, I just post'em, it's up to you guys to do the research, haha.
scrutch Posted April 1, 2012 Posted April 1, 2012 The duck's echo question has been around for ions. I was reading where Mythbusters tested it out and say it's a myth. Besides, I just post'em, it's up to you guys to do the research, haha. Can you spot the malapropism?
Super User Bassn Blvd Posted April 1, 2012 Super User Posted April 1, 2012 Can you spot the malapropism? It was in the first sentence. Echo been around for ions?
scrutch Posted April 2, 2012 Posted April 2, 2012 You got it BB. Ions in place of eons. I feel smart now. I just learned what a malapropism was last week on this site!
Traveler2586 Posted April 2, 2012 Author Posted April 2, 2012 A young blond girl in her late teens, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do. "Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint the porch" "How much will you charge me?" Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about $50?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and brushes and everything she would need were in the garage. The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?" "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?" he responded. The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blond jokes." A few hours later the blond came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already??" the startled husband asked. "Yes," the blond replied, "and I even had paint left over so I gave it two coats." Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50 and handed it to her along with a $10 tip. "Thank you," the blond said, "And, by the way, it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus." 1
Super User Bassn Blvd Posted April 2, 2012 Super User Posted April 2, 2012 You got it BB. Ions in place of eons. I feel smart now. I just learned what a malapropism was last week on this site! I can't give myself credit for coming up with the malapropism, I simply made a spelling error. HAHA,
Super User slonezp Posted April 2, 2012 Super User Posted April 2, 2012 This ones for you Traveler A woman goes to the doctor all black and blue. Doctor: "What happened?" Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk on Miller Lite he beats me to a pulp." Doctor: "I have a real good remedy for that. When your husband comes home drunk on Miller Lite, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it in your mouth but don't swallow. Just keep swishing and swishing until he goes to bed in his Miller Lite stupor." Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn. Woman: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea. Every time my husband came home drunk on Miller Lite, I swished with sweet tea. I swished and swished, and he didn't touch me!" Doctor: "You see how much keeping your mouth shut helps?" 10
Traveler2586 Posted April 3, 2012 Author Posted April 3, 2012 This ones for you Traveler LOL, LOL, Great !! Here's one a friend sent me today........ A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the e-mail. Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her e-mail expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read: To: My Loving Wife Subject: I've Arrived Date: July 19, 2010 I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones.I 've just arrived and have been checked in. I've seen that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was. P. S. Sure is hot down here!!!! 3
preach4bass Posted April 3, 2012 Posted April 3, 2012 There's a sermon illustration in that one Traveler! Thanks!
Traveler2586 Posted April 8, 2012 Author Posted April 8, 2012 UPS Airlines Just in case you need a laugh: Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high school diploma to fix one; a reassurance to those of us who fly routinely in our jobs. After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a 'gripe sheet,' which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics corrects the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers. By the way,UPS is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident. P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement. S: Almost replaced left inside main tire. P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough. S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft. P: Something loose in cockpit. S: Something tightened in cockpit. P: Dead bugs on windshield. S: Live bugs on back-order. P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-feet-per-minute descent. S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground. P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear. S: Evidence removed. P: DME volume unbelievably loud. S: DME volume set to more believable level. P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick S: That's what friction locks are for. P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode. S: IFF is always inoperative in OFF mode. P: Suspected crack in windshield. S: Suspect you're right. P: Number 3 engine missing. S: Engine found on right wing after brief search. P: Aircraft handles funny. S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious. P: Target radar hums. S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.. P: Mouse in cockpit. S: Cat installed. P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer. S: Took hammer away from the midget. 2
Super User slonezp Posted April 8, 2012 Super User Posted April 8, 2012 Traveler, I have always wanted to fill out a work order that says: Found broke. Fixed.
Recommended Posts