Experienced Parents...little Help?

[NorcalBassin]

One of the toughest things to do for a lot if us is to seek advice when what we've tried in our personal lives hasn't worked, so props to you for even asking us for input. I'd have to respectfully disagree with the "spanking" comments made earlier, as a little "swat" to either of my girls when they were younger was 100% effective and far from physically abusive. Grouping "spanking and hitting" together as being ineffective as Grundle stated sounds like physical/domestic abuse as opposed to an infrequent spanking by a loving parent outside of an angry/heated moment. I was spanked as a kid when I deserved it and feel that is a reason why I've never had a problem respecting authority.

Back to your specific situation, I'd definitely agree that it's more of an attention issue with the brother for who knows why. Now that school is coming back around, you may want to mention it to his teacher and see if he/she notices anything through the journaling and other things they're trained to do to get kids to open up. Best of luck and keep us posted.

[BASSclary]

I'd have to respectfully disagree with the "spanking" comments made earlier, Grouping "spanking and hitting" together as being ineffective as Grundle stated sounds like physical/domestic abuse as opposed to an infrequent spanking by a loving parent outside of an angry/heated moment. I was spanked as a kid when I deserved it and feel that is a reason why I've never had a problem respecting authority.

100 % agree.

Especially that in red.

[SirSnookalot]

Spanking instills fear on a kid, does not promote respect of authority, don't think for a second I'm against spankings. Kids have had similar problems for years, we just never had names for them before.

We have 2 daughters, 1 squeaking clean, the other a real problem child. The problem child was sent away to a special facility, then shipped off to California to live and work with her Uncle. Got married and today she is a great mother, an attorney and published author, a real asset to the community.

Both our daughters have kids of their own, i child a 16 year old is a real problem, tourettes, bi polar and the list goes on and on, was unable to function in schoo, he's now in a special facility ( paid for by healthcare) so far is doing well.

Not to beat a dead horse but as a kid I was a problem child, parents got me professional help and sent me to military school. I came out ok...

I think I know a little something about problems, #1 the kid has to want to help themselves, if not all is in vain and #2 if needed there is no substitute for professional help.

[grimlin]

I respect no man who lays his hands on a child.

There have been more studies shown that spanking and hitting young children cause more emotional and mental harm than other forms of punishment.

Plus he "hides" something from his brothers? Big deal.

But, who am I to judge your parenting style, not my kid.

Yeah if only kids come with Instructions on how to raise em'.

My brother said the same thing you did.....then his kid decided it would be funny to burn down the school.Came dang close to doing it. Needless to say his little butt was red for a good week or two.I'll tell ya what,his kid never did it again either.

[Grey Wolf]

"Boys will be boys." Let it play out and if it doesn't escalate then it's really not a MAJOR problem.

[tomustang]

Sorry for the poor grammer in my last couple posts, was rusing it on my phone at work during break.

As for asking him the problem, we have done that and have really only got two different answers. "Don't know" or "its fun" We are going to try the ignoring thing next.

Got to dig deeper than just his short answer.

[Red]

Got to dig deeper than just his short answer.

We have. My wife and I together, each of us one on one with him. We have tried and tried all kinds of different ways to get him to tell us, can't get anything from him.

[Bassn Blvd]

Now that school is coming back around, you may want to mention it to his teacher and see if he/she notices anything through the journaling and other things they're trained to do to get kids to open up. Best of luck and keep us posted.

^ Very good suggestion ^.

Discipline is a learned behavior. You're not born knowing how to behave and some kids are quick/easy learners, while others are a bit more stubborn.

I was a bit more stubborn and can still feel the belt across my rearend. I turned out ok too.

LOL, my oldest kid, now 22, was the worst. You could spank him and he could care less. Your hand would go numb without him even giving a rats ars. As he got to 10-15 yoa, he got the belt maybe 2-3 times. He would turn around and go right back to doing what he got in trouble for. And he loved to lie. He would tell you he was at school all day and didn't skip a class. I would no for a fact he wasn't in class and could tell him I was hiding in his classroom and he never showed up. He would look straight at you and say something like "Well' you must have hid in the wrong classroom because I was there. Go ask the teacher." Even the teacher would say he wasn't in class but then he would say she was wrong.

My middle kid, 18yoa, never had to be spanked. He would breakdown just by me telling him he did wrong and giving him my stare. I could sit him on the couch and just stare at him, not say a word and he would start confessing.

[shootermcbob]

I respect no man who lays his hands on a child.

There have been more studies shown that spanking and hitting young children cause more emotional and mental harm than other forms of punishment.

Plus he "hides" something from his brothers? Big deal.

But, who am I to judge your parenting style, not my kid.

Yet, you did anyway.

[NorcalBassin]

Grundle... had a feeling there was more to your prior comments consistent with abuse. Those spankings on the lawn were indicative of more severe things going on behind closed doors and far from an effective learning opportunity to the child. My wife has always taught at low income schools and I can't tell you how many times she's had to call CPS for abuse. The things some kids, such as your friend or Little Brothers, have to see and experience are absolutely awful. Spanking out of anger is never a good thing.

[Red]

I replied to Grundle's PM, all is cool there I believe.

As for the issue with the kiddo. We now have suspicion that his brother is hiding the stuff and letting him take the fall!!! We have some investigating to do when his brother returns from hid dads on Wednesday. I will keep you posted.

Cliff

[NorcalBassin]

Cliff... this thing's turning into a movie story line! Best of luck with the detective work.

[Red]

LOL...I think we might have it handled now. We just had a family meeting(brother came home early) His brother didn't do it. He fessed up said he did do it everytime, apologized to his brother and us. He said, rather sincerely actually, that he is done with this whole thing. I guess he dosen't think it is fun anymore now that everyone else in the house checks his "spots" whenever they go to the bathroom. Now it is just a matter of time to see if he actually follows through. I told him his punishment will contine to be that same if he does do it again. I think being consistent is what it will take, like some mentioned here. Anyway, I really appreciate all the help!

Cliff

[slonezp]

I replied to Grundle's PM, all is cool there I believe.

As for the issue with the kiddo. We now have suspicion that his brother is hiding the stuff and letting him take the fall!!! We have some investigating to do when his brother returns from hid dads on Wednesday. I will keep you posted.

Cliff

The tides have turned. Like I said...kids being kids.

As far as the spanking thing. Go out to a family restaurant sometime and watch the way many of the kids act. Drives me crazy to see parents do nothing. Spanking and child abuse are two completely different animals and should not be confused.

[Red]

The tides have turned. Like I said...kids being kids.

As far as the spanking thing. Go out to a family restaurant sometime and watch the way many of the kids act. Drives me crazy to see parents do nothing. Spanking and child abuse are two completely different animals and should not be confused.

Agreed.

On our little league team this one mom came in the dugout in the middle of the game and basically kicked the crap out of her kid!! Right in front of everyone. I couldn't believe it. The kid deserved some sort of punishment, he is a PITA, and a bully but man that was way over the top. Rumor has it that she has had CPS called on her more than once and she just dosen't care, almost like she wants them to take away her kid.

[Fat-G]

Man I used to crack up when my parents spanked me. It never really hurt and I just thought it was funny.

Glad you got it sorted out.

[tomustang]

Spanking and child abuse are two completely different animals and should not be confused.

That's right, you can even check state laws, I know in my state

Your allowed to spank/physically punish your kid to a reasonable point, after that it's abuse

[flippin and pitchin]

Cliff, I don't know if you are still monitoring this thread or not. I wasn't going to post at first but felt compelled now. First, don't get riled over someone's comment when they don't know you, who you are and what you are. A father disciplines his son OUT OF LOVE. If you didn't care about these boys, who are now your sons, you wouldn't be transparent and ask for advice from others. I see children every day in what I do who have maybe one parent and or both who don't give a rip about their children, training their children, clothing their children, feeding their children, teaching their children values and in fact damage their children by physical and mental neglect. That man or woman, I have NO respect for. Talk to him alone. Give him the assurance he is loved by you, your wonderful wife, his brother and any grandparents involved. Let him know you are there for him, even when he behaves in a way that disappoints you. I'm no Dr. Phil but I would guess the fact he has " new parents " is catching up to him. Even a 7 and 9 year old can ask questions as to why they live with someone else. You are what these boys need, that's why you have them. Don't let a naysayer bring question as to your commitment and love for the kids. You CAN administer corporal discipline to a child and have them crawl into to your lap and hug on you after, because they will know you do what you do out of love and not malice. You'll be fine.