Super User Sam Posted October 21, 2010 Super User Posted October 21, 2010 ________________________________________ These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place... ______________________________ ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active? WITNESS: No, I just lie there. ______________________________ ______________ ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory? WITNESS: I forget. ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot? ______________________________ _____________ ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo? WITNESS: We both do. ATTORNEY: Voodoo? WITNESS: We do. ATTORNEY: You do? WITNESS: Yes, voodoo. ___________________________________ ATTORNEY: Now doctor "isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?" WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam? ____________________________________ ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he? WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ. ____________________________________ ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken? WITNESS: Are you kidding me? ____________________________________ ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time? WITNESS: Getting laid ____________________________________ ATTORNEY: She had three children, right? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: How many were boys? WITNESS: None. ATTORNEY: Were there any girls? WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney? ____________________________________ ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated? WITNESS: By death. ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated? WITNESS: Take a guess. ___________________________________ ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual? WITNESS: He was about 20, medium height, and had a beard. ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female? WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male. ___________________________________ ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people? WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight. ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to? WITNESS: Oral. _______________________________________ ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m. ATTORNEY: And, Mr. Denton was dead at the time? WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished. _________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question? ____________________________________ And the best for last: ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? WITNESS: No . ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor? WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law. Quote
Super User J Francho Posted October 21, 2010 Super User Posted October 21, 2010 Funny stuff. I edited some of the colorful language out. Quote
Super User SoFlaBassAddict Posted October 21, 2010 Super User Posted October 21, 2010 lol Good stuff. Quote
b.Lee Posted October 21, 2010 Posted October 21, 2010 ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to? WITNESS: Oral. I like this one Quote
Super User A-Jay Posted October 21, 2010 Super User Posted October 21, 2010 ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question? That right there is Funny ! A-Jay Quote
Deb Posted October 21, 2010 Posted October 21, 2010 The ONLY smart attorney I know, is married to my son! OK, maybe that makes her questionable Quote
Super User senile1 Posted October 22, 2010 Super User Posted October 22, 2010 Good stuff, Sam. Thanks for the laughs! Quote
Super User A-Jay Posted October 22, 2010 Super User Posted October 22, 2010 The Three Stooges RULE ! A-Jay Quote
tallydude Posted October 31, 2010 Posted October 31, 2010 The ONLY smart attorney I know, is married to my son! OK, maybe that makes her questionable Apparently, Mom forgot I read these posts. I love you, too. ;D Quote
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