its about to get personal

[K_Mac]

Like Uncle Leo I can't seem to stop myself from commenting. The first thing that struck me is that this is an honest and sincere question. There is not a man who has been in a monogamous relationship for more than a few years that hasn't at least thought he might be happier with a different woman. Many of us have acted on this thought. I don't know of one example of it ending well. We all have options, but there is only one reality (that which exists objectively and in fact). Your reality is a long-term relationship with a woman who cares about you, and three children for which you are responsible.

I was 19 when I married, after dating for a couple of years. I have been married 34 years. I know about the girl at work. It is by God's grace that my marriage has survived. I would encourage you to contact preach4bass and listen to his counsel. I will keep you in my prayers.

[basspro215]

let me fill you in on a secret, and stop you from throwing everything away... there's nothing else out there lol... good girls are VERY hard to come by, if you have one, don't let her go. Everyone is going to be a little bored after 9 years in a relationship, time to spice things up a little. epecially if you have 3 kids... I would try to stick with it and make things better, if you can.

your advice has to be the one that had the most inpact on me and opened my eyes as soon as i read it so thank you for that and i want to thank everyone else too,cause she has been nothing but good to me in every aspect of life and to but up with my crap it takes alot,i am staying and we are going to work it out,im sure everything will be ok,and for some of you guys,im not a dead beat dad that just want to run away from my family and in what i wrot i dont see how you got that but i came here cuz i knew ther had to be someone on here that had gone though the same thing so i want to that everyone

[Micro]

Let me ask you this:  Say you were completely in love with this girl.  You've been with her for 9 years.  She bore 3 children for you.  You provided a good, safe, loving home.  You wanted to marry her.  You thought all was going well then you discovered the spectre of another man wooing the woman you love.  Would you be okay with that?  I suspect you would be devastated. 

I haven't been on this board much at all as of late.  That's because I need to take time to get my own house in order.  And take time to take care of what is most important to me (and it ain't bass fishing). 

My advice is to look for whatever it was in your girlfriend that made you stay with her for 9 years.  And whatever it was that made you have 3 children with her.  I guarantee you it's still there. 

I got married at 24.  I've got 2 sons.  In August, I will have been married 20 years.  I'm looking forward to 50 more.  We're not as passionate as often as we used to be, but after that many years the flame dies down to a warm glow (with occassional flareups).   It takes a good woman to get to that point and it sounds like you have the makings of one. 

I think you should put that other woman in her proper place - the acquaintance zone.  And put that girlfriend of your where she belongs - on an altar. 

[stratos 375]

You've been infected with the common malady known as the seven year itch. Except in your case it took a few more years to develop. It will go away. Apply some Calamine lotion to the affected area, massage liberally on a daily basis to relieve symptoms.

[Uncle Leo]

let me fill you in on a secret, and stop you from throwing everything away... there's nothing else out there lol... good girls are VERY hard to come by, if you have one, don't let her go. Everyone is going to be a little bored after 9 years in a relationship, time to spice things up a little. epecially if you have 3 kids... I would try to stick with it and make things better, if you can.

your advice has to be the one that had the most inpact on me and opened my eyes as soon as i read it so thank you for that and i want to thank everyone else too,cause she has been nothing but good to me in every aspect of life and to but up with my crap it takes alot,i am staying and we are going to work it out,im sure everything will be ok,and for some of you guys,im not a dead beat dad that just want to run away from my family and in what i wrot i dont see how you got that but i came here cuz i knew ther had to be someone on here that had gone though the same thing so i want to that everyone

You have made a good decision, give the family a hug for us. I hope this helped as it took some courage to lie yourself out like this. Believe me you have made a good decision. I lost my kids and first wife when I was your age. I started a new life but suffer with empitiness. I had no fault in what happened to me ( she made a decision much like the one you were about to make) so I felt I needed to add my 2 cents as you have a chance. Good Luck and God Bless.

SEE my signature below, words to live by.

[NewAngler]

Dude, you're making the right choice. I'm 24 and have 3 kids (two are mine, and a step daughter whom I am raising and her dad is the typical weekend dad). But I'm also away from my oldest daughter. I had her when i was with her mother when I was 18. Things didn't work out, and we split before my daughter turned 2.

Being away from you child for a week at a time is the most pain staking thing in the world. Missing bath night, bedtime stories, wrestle time etc etc etc is horrible.

I'm convinced that splitting with her mother was the right thing to do, but it sucks. 

[burleytog]

9 years, 3 kids and no ring?

:-X

[basspro215]

the no ring reason is because of finachal resons i want to give both of use a wedding we will never forget and have it be the best night of our lifes and have it as some thing we can always look back on not cause i dont love her and dont want to get married but if im getting married its ownly one time and im ganna do it right

[grimlin]

I never understood why people go all out on weddings.Wedding is just to show your spouse you are ready to be together forever.My wife agrees with me on this one as well.Specially if you are financially unstable.

P.S. Our wedding costs were right at $2000.... ;D . And no it wasn't a redneck wedding or anything lame like that.Everything we had was hand made and put together by family(Family helped us big times) .Renting the rec. center for $400 was the most expensive thing on the list. It came out very classy and original.

We paid for it from our tax returns.

[lightsout]

The only advice I can offer at this point is If you are serious about making this work with your girl, you must make sure and draw a line with this other chick. Dont know if its a situation where you have to see this girl on the regular or not, if it is you need to FIRMLY close that door and move forward.

Glad you made the right call, you are doing the right thing for everyone involved.

[dave]

the no ring reason is because of finachal resons i want to give both of use a wedding we will never forget and have it be the best night of our lifes and have it as some thing we can always look back on not cause i dont love her and dont want to get married but if im getting married its ownly one time and im ganna do it right

Just an excuse. :-X Marry her already. ;D

[Pond Hopper]

This is coming from the typical bachelor but if a woman had three kids with me, was that understanding regarding other women, I would probably no longer be a bachelor. 

Finding a good woman you can spend a year with at that age is tough, let alone nine. 

I dated a girl for 6 years, gorgeous, smart, everything, and moved away for selfish reasons.  The last 3 years have been spent trying to find someone who puts up with my crap half as much as her, with half her qualities.  Granted the cover of the book looks good, but normally it is a boring read or something that will not keep your interest past page 10. 

I hope that puts a little perspective from a younger guy who wishes you the best.

[Gatorbassman]

You obviously posted this because you wanted us to tell you to stay with your girlfriend and kids. You know good and well that you don't want to be "that guy."

A lot of people get bored in their relationship. Aside from a few scented candles and some sexy lingerie, the best tool I've seen for this over the past few years is watching the movie "Fireproof" with your significant other. After watching it, buy the book "Love Dare," and take the 40 day challenge together. I've got a couple at Church working through this right now, and less than 20 days into the challenge, they seem to have "fallen back in love." They aren't the first.

If you are willing to try it, I'll send you a free copy of the movie and the book.

This is it. The best advice in this thread. I've seen this work several times.

[done]

let me fill you in on a secret, and stop you from throwing everything away... there's nothing else out there lol... good girls are VERY hard to come by, if you have one, don't let her go. Everyone is going to be a little bored after 9 years in a relationship, time to spice things up a little. epecially if you have 3 kids... I would try to stick with it and make things better, if you can.

your advice has to be the one that had the most inpact on me and opened my eyes as soon as i read it so thank you for that and i want to thank everyone else too,cause she has been nothing but good to me in every aspect of life and to but up with my crap it takes alot,i am staying and we are going to work it out,im sure everything will be ok,and for some of you guys,im not a dead beat dad that just want to run away from my family and in what i wrot i dont see how you got that but i came here cuz i knew ther had to be someone on here that had gone though the same thing so i want to that everyone

Dude, no you are not talking about being a deadbeat dad. But you are talking about being "bored" and tearing those kids lives apart. I grew up in a broken home, and the kids...no matter how you try to convince yourself are not good with it.

You got a woman that treats you good, puts up with you and your stuff (we ALL have stuff), and gave you 3 kids. You are blessed beyond belief right there.

This year, I am celebrating my 10th married year with my wife. I met her when we were in high school. yeah the last time I dated a new girl we were passing notes. Yeah, life is not always a romantic comedy. Sometimes married life is more like a horror movie, LOL.

I have so many friends who never found THAT person. Never. And probably never will. Really, you need to man up, appreciate the blessings you have in your life and be the best husband and father you can be.

BTW, I can appreciate the courage it takes to post that up here. You had to know you'd take a beating for it.

[basspro215]

yes i knew i was going to take a beating on here and maybe that's what i need,but i also knew there had to be people on here that's been through the same thing and i would get the best advice from s bunch of the nicest guys i could ask for so its well worth the beating to put me back i check with reality

[A-Jay]

yes i knew i was going to take a beating on here and maybe that's what i need,but i also knew there had to be people on here that's been through the same thing and i would get the best advice from s bunch of the nicest guys i could ask for so its well worth the beating to put me back i check with reality

Instead of looking at the advice provided to you here as "a beating", perhaps a better perspective would be to try to understand that those who have already been down the road you are about to head down now are attempting to convince you not to make a mistake that perhaps you may later regret. Good Luck

A-Jay

[flechero]

waiting until you can afford the perfect wedding and honeymoon is like waiting until you are financially set before having kids... ;D  you'll never think you are there.

You could have had a 6 month honeymoon and the best wedding ever thrown for what you have already spent on kids.

I'd be more afraid that she would read this and decide she was worth more and deserves better than being "settled for." From what you wrote, she is.

It's time to accept your age, the choices you made and the live you have. Infatuation and lust are feelings... love is a choice. For your kid's sake, I hope you decide to commit to them and their mother.

[done]

... the choices you made and the live you have. Infatuation and lust are feelings... love is a choice.

x2., That is as good a summation as any. My grandmother (who was married 56 years before she passed) sat me down before my wedding and told me "Marriage is the toughest thing you'll do. Sometimes it is heaven and easy to do, many other times though, it is hard, heartbreaking and you wonder if it would be easier to just give up. But you stick with it and those times make it all that much stronger...".

I guess the key is to add to flecheros point, it is a choice. You got a good faithful woman, good kids, a home and a family. You fight for those, especially when the darker parts of yourself start poking and prodding you to go find something else.

You are already blessed beyond belief. There are folks who spend their entire lives looking to get what you already posses. You just need to recognize it and make it up to that woman of yours.

[nick76]

I understand the financial aspect of things when getting married, but you really need to do this.  Not only for her sake, but the sake of those kids.  They need the commitment as much as she does.  We did our wedding on a very small budget.  The smaller you go the better.  Everyone has a relative who is artsy.....go to the hobby lobby or similar store and get everything for flowers on sale or with a coupon, get all the other decorations as well.  Find a small place to throw something quaint.....only invite those who are essential to keep the cost down, and ask your family to pitch in with the food.  I bet you could do this for cheap and it will mean as much to her as any large extravagant wedding that you keep hoping for.  The vows are for you and her......the reception is for the people you invite.  The night at the hotel afterwards is to make it official.  Quit wasting time.