Funniest Joke?

[Rebel Angler]

I'm sure there's been a couple other posts about favorite fishin jokes or jus jokes in general, but I wanted to start my own.

So what are some of yalls favorite jokes to tell? Doesn't have to be fishin related, jus any joke(s) you know that's funny (as long as it's somewhat clean, don't want anybody gettin in trouble). If you post a comment, make sure to add your joke(s) too.

[Infidel.]

Fish are always eating other fish.  If fish could talk, the ocean would be loud as fudge.  Just a lot of fish saying "Shoot, I thought I looked like that rock!"

That is a "cleaned up" version of one of my favorite Mitch Hedberg jokes. 

[.ghoti.]

A Louisiana Cajun was stopped by a game warden because he had two ice chests full of fish. He was leavin' a bayou, well-known for its fishing.

The game warden asked the man, 'Do you have a license to catch those fish?'

'Naw, sir', replied the cajun. 'I ain't got none of dem there licenses. You gotta unnerstan', dese here are my pet fish.'

'Pet fish?'

'Yeah. Evry night, I take dese here fish down to de lake and let 'em swim 'round for 'while. Den, when I whistle, dey jump right back into dis here ice chests and I take 'em home.'

'That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that.'

The cajun looked at the warden for a moment and then said, 'It's de truth Mr. Government Man. I'll show ya. It really works.'

'O. K.', said the warden. 'I've got to see this!'

The cajun poured the fish into the lake and stood and waited.

After several minutes, the warden says, 'Well?'

'Well, what?', says the cajun.

The warden says, 'When are you going to call them back?'

'Call who back?'

'The FISH', replied the warden!

'What fish?', replied the cajun.

Moral of the story: We may not be as smart as some city slickers, but we ain't as dumb as some government employees.

[.ghoti.]

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift.  The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.  Every word out of the bird's' mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.  John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot.  The parrot yelled back.  John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.  For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed.  Then suddenly there was total quiet.  Not a peep was heard for over a minute.

Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer.  The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions.   I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.  As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?"

[.ghoti.]

A Doctor was addressing a large audience in  Tampa . 'The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks drinks corrode your stomach lining.Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. However, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?'

After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, 'Wedding Cake.'

[.ghoti.]

A blonde was shopping at Target and came across a shiny silver thermos.  She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and took it to the clerk To ask what it was.  The clerk said, 'Why, that's a thermos..... it keeps hot things hot, and cold things cold.' 'Wow, said the blonde, 'that's amazing.....I'm going to buy it!' So she bought the thermos and took it to work the next day.  Her boss saw it on her desk. 'What's that,' he asked? 'Why, that's a thermos..... it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold,' she replied.  Her boss inquired, 'What do you have in it?' The blond replied..... ...'Two popsicles and some coffee.'

[firefightn15]

A blonde was shopping at Target and came across a shiny silver thermos. She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and took it to the clerk To ask what it was. The clerk said, 'Why, that's a thermos..... it keeps hot things hot, and cold things cold.' 'Wow, said the blonde, 'that's amazing.....I'm going to buy it!' So she bought the thermos and took it to work the next day. Her boss saw it on her desk. 'What's that,' he asked? 'Why, that's a thermos..... it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold,' she replied. Her boss inquired, 'What do you have in it?' The blond replied..... ...'Two popsicles and some coffee.'

"Here's your sign"!

Not quite a joke, but I love it when Bill Engvall gets into his Dork fish caught on a corndog story. ;D ;D

[Rebel Angler]

"Here's your sign"!

Not quite a joke, but I love it when Bill Engvall gets into his Dork fish caught on a corndog story.   

haha anything that comes out of Bill Engvall's mouth is hilarious...I love the dork fish joke, he's a riot!  ;D

[bilgerat]

A man goes into an exotic bird store in search of a pet. As he's walking the aisles checking out the different birds, he starts to get "sticker shock" at some of the prices. Two, three, four thousand dollars for some of them. Just then a salesman approaches and asks if he's interested in any of the birds. The guy says "Ya got anything cheaper ?" The salesman says he has one he can let go for $500. They go to check it out. The bird appears normal and has a good vocabulary. "Why are you letting him go so cheap ? asks the guy. The salesman says "If you look closely, you'll see he has no legs" The guy asks "Well how does he stay on the perch ?" The salesman explains that the bird wraps his *ahem* around the perch. The guy gives the salesman the money and takes the bird home.

The bird is living in the guy's house for about a week. One day the guy comes home from work

and the bird says "Guess what I saw today ?"

The guy says "What ?"

The bird says "The old lady was walking around the house with a nightie on"

"Yeah, so what"

"Then the doorbell rang"

"Go on..."

"Then the mailman came in"

"Go on..."

"She put on soft music and started dancing around"

"Then what happened ?"

"They went over on the couch and started kissing and fooling around"

"WHAT HAPPENED NEXT ?"

"I don't know. I fell off my perch and got knocked out....."

[farmpond1]

Q - Did you hear about the dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac?

A - He used to lie awake at night wondering if there was a Dog.