Tool Descriptions

[frogtog]

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DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted vertical stabilizer which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench, at the speed of light. Also, it removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh sh--....'

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.

SKILL SAW:A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER:An electric s anding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW:One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be[ch8232]used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

WELDING GLOVES: Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 2X4: Used for levering an automobile upward off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any possible future use. One of the best examples of false advertising in naming a product to entice buyers.

BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheets into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the wrong side of the line.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST:[ch8232]A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'DAMMIT' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

[flechero]

a little truth in every one of them!!!   ;D ;D

[Long Mike]

That was great!  Any member who is comfortable working with tools can see themselves in any of the definitions.

[Bassn Blvd]

Very clever and true.

[Muddy]

Very   worthy!

[bilgerat]

Related category: Hardware

Jesus clips. Any variety of small clip, retainer, spring, pin, etc. that shoots across the room upon disassembly causing the person to scream out "Jesus_____"

[fishfordollars]

I have most in my garage. They operate just as described.

[Sam]

Good one.

When I was working my way through college I worked at a tomato box manufacturing plant.

The foreman sent me out to get a left-handed screwdriver.

The guys in the plant had me going in all directions.  

[fourbizz]

i like sending people to get me the "piston spring compression tool"  ;D

[FD.]

or a "board stretcher" after you have used the skill saw.

[simplejoe]

The foreman sent me out to get a left-handed screwdriver.

I can't believe you fell for that one

[Red]

this is great!  when i was in the army, a sergeant once gave a new private a piece of chalk and a hammer. told him to tap the armor on the tanks and circle and "soft" spots(there is no soft spots in DU).  few hours later every tank had little white circles all over it!!  another good one, was to ask someone to get you a spare box of reticules, this is the little red digital cross hair when you look through the sites.

[ejtaylor822]

I like the one my contractor used when we were building our house.  He was letting me use his cordless drill and referred to it as an "electrician's hammer".  I thought it was funny.  

Next day I was working around the electrician.  I watched him drill a hole through the bands under the house, insert a fitting then flip the drill around and start hammering away on it with the back top of the drill.  It was really funny at that point.

Eddie

[zbass]

I used to work at a lumber store and used my cell to call back into the store. Called the hardware dept. and asked the guy to tell me how much the left handed metric crescent wrenches were. I watched him walk around and look for 3 to 4 min. Then he came back on the phone and said we were out of them right know but if I wanted to come in he would order one for me. He was dead serious!! I about pee'ed my pants laughing so hard.

[cart7t]

Great list Frog.

The hacksaw description really had me laughing.   ;D ;D