Colonoscopy This Is Hilarious

[frogtog]

     ... I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an

     appointment for a colonoscopy. A few days later, in his office,

     Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go

     all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis .

     Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring

     and patient manner. I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything

     he said, because my brain was shrieking, quote, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A

     TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'

     I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for

     a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America's enemies.

     I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous. Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor.

     Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of  powder together in a

     one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons.) Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.

     The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose watery bowel movement may result.'

     This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.   MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but: Have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle.  There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much   confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you  figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far  as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.

     After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.

     The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the  procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking,  'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.

     At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever  the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little  curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist  perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.

     Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their  MoviPrep. At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode.  You would have no choice but to burn your house.

     When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a  nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there  somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point. Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand. There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by Abba. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs  that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' has to be the least appropriate.  'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me. 'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than decade.

     If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.  I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, Abba was shrieking 'Dancing Queen! Feel the beat  from the tambourine ...'.. and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.

     Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that it was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.  

     

   

[fishbear]

I am dreading this as well as I get older.

but still funny as heck as long as it isnt me!!!11 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

[frogtog]

Hey fish there ain't nothing to it, the night before is the best. ;D

All jokes aside, be sure to get one it can save your life.

[burleytog]

It is amazing how the world goes from light to dark before a procedure like that.

I had an endoscopy earlier this year.  Closed my eyes, opened them and two hours had passed.

[skillet]

A lot funnier since I had it done 3 weeks ago! They have a preparation that is quite a bit easier on you (getting it down anyway). The outcome (used that word on purpose) was pretty much the same. If you have ever had the chance to go thru a bout of Ho Che Minh's Revenge, it doesn't come even close to this. After it was all over my Dr. told me that I was so cleaned out I might not have a BM for a while. "A while", my commode never saw my backside for 2 weeks. Don't know about you but for an hour after I woke up it was like the scene in "Blazing Saddles" where the guys are sitting around the campfire (only louder). I was so "mellow" I actually asked one of the nurses to "pull my finger". She told me in a really dry voice she "had heard that one before".

All joking aside friends, they removed 3 polyps and 1 was precancerous. Found early and removed everything is OK. If you're over 50 talk to your Dr...

                                  As Ever,

                                   skillet

[burleytog]

it was like the scene in "Blazing Saddles" where the guys are sitting around the campfire (only louder).

                                  As Ever,

                                   skillet

My mother has one done twice a year.  I've been with her in recovery a few times and I had a very very very hard time keeping a straight face.  

[Bassn Blvd]

I had this done last year too.  I tell ya though, that crap they made me drink was HORRIBLE.  The nurse told me to get the orange flavored drink, that most people like the orange flavored one.  Well, that was total B.S.  I was down to my last 12-16 ounces when I puked it all into the kitchen sink.  30 minutes later I was standing in the shower with my boxers and shorts on because, without warning and I do mean without warning, the flood gates opened and nothing but mud came out.  We're talking the consistency of coffee.  

They really know how to break a man down.  Making him crap himself like that .  Horrible, just horrible.  And to make it worse, it was in front of my wife and kid.  

[moby bass]

OMG, I'm laughing so hard at these descriptions I can barely read.

However, many years ago I had some kind of an"issue". And so I was told to get a lower GI series. For prep I simply drank a quart of mineral oil in a gallon of warm coke.  Had the same effect as described above.

Anyway, in the evacuation process, what ever the "issue" was was "eliminated".  Still went through the procedure which felt to me like I was being packed with cement.  Absolutely no dignity left.  There may still be something to the old occasional cleansing of the system with mineral oil.

[skillet]

MB with just the lower GI they don't put you to sleep. The only Saving Grace with the colonoscopy is one minute you're talking to the nurse, the next she says "go to sleep" and then you wake-up with that "mellow" feeling we mentioned ;D...

                                As Ever

                                 skillet

[fishfordollars]

Ask your doctor for the colored pictures. I framed mine, but my wife would not let me hang it up in the house. I hung it in the garage instead and it came up missing a few days later.

[moby bass]

MB with just the lower GI they don't put you to sleep. The only Saving Grace with the colonoscopy is one minute you're talking to the nurse, the next she says "go to sleep" and then you wake-up with that "mellow" feeling we mentioned ;D...

                                As Ever

                                 skillet

Don't I know it.  The feeling with a lower GI is roughly equivalent to not having a BM in...oh...about a year!

[Bassn Blvd]

Ask your doctor for the colored pictures. I framed mine, but my wife would not let me hang it up in the house. I hung it in the garage instead and it came up missing a few days later.

And I thought I was messed up in the head....

[jimmieO]

just wanted to tell you...that is one of the best written accounts of anything i have ever read. you are my hero!

[Ky_Lake_Dude]

Cool story glad everything looks okay

[firefightn15]

frogtog, I had a not so good day.  Thanks to you and everyone else I can atleast have one good belly laugh. ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

[Sam]

I have been through the process once and will have to do it again in three years.

And yes, everything you all said is true.

But think what you would go through if you ever got colon cancer?

The procedure is awful but as Skillet said, it can save your life.

I had no problems and it is nice to know all of your innards are in good shape.  ;D

Now, want to discuss getting a vasectomy?  

[Olebiker]

My buddy never would go get a colonoscopy.  After his father developed colon cancer he told me that he was sure the colonoscopy had to less uncomfortable than the radiation and chemotherapy his father was going through.

[Redlinerobert]

Frogtog,

That is officially the funniest post I have ever read on this site. ;D

You brought back memories of my own colonoscopy a couple years back.

[Black Bass]

Great story! I didn't remember mine being so funny. I guess it is in the telling. Good job! Thanks for the laughs.