HOW TO POOP AT WORK

[riverfisher]

We've all been there but don't like to admit it. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORKPOOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for having a dump at work.

CROP DUSTING : When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from.

Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart

has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.

FLY BY : This is the act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again.

Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER.

People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

ESCAPEE: This is a fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen.

If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK : When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH : The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. This reduces the amount of airtime the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME : Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you.

As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. This very uncomfortable walk can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER : This is a colleague who poops at work and is d**n proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm.

Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.

THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N) : A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVENS : A Safe Haven is a seldom-used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR : This is someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves.

This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH : A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall is called a Camo-Cough. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. The Camo-Coughis very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE : An Astaire is a subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

WATERMELON : A watermelon is a big poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANA OMELET : A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.

UNCLE TODD : An Uncle Todd is a bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. This person could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot.

An Uncle Todd makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty.

This benefits you as well as other bathroom attendees.

Hope the Survival Guide helps, as the WORKPOOP is an inevitable part of life.

[Bassnbrett101]

Someone put alot of thought into pooping at work  :

[Jake P]

LMFAO! Things are so much funnier when you can relate to them. That was by far the funniest thing i have ever read in my entire life, im still crying.

[riverfisher]

Yeah anything that relates to farting and pooping is just hilarious. But this office break down is the best!! When I read this at my office everyone thought I was having a heart attack tears in my eyes almost fell on the floor! I was having a terrable morning up until I read this Im still lauphing!!! ;D

[jemackinnon83]

   Freakin hilarious

[Bass Tard]

Then there's the Houdini poop..............this is the one when you know that a two foot log just came out of you, but when you get up to flush it has disappeared.

[telecaster]

That was funny.

[fishinfiend]

Wish I had this advice before dropping a big deuce @ work today.

[Gatorbassman]

That is funny.

Before I opened this I thought I was going to see this picture.

[Low_Budget_Hooker]

Someone put alot of thought into pooping at work  :

lol,..wondering where he got the time to sit and think of all this,....oh, wait a minute,....I'll bet he was "somewhere" at work,....sitting,.....thinking................pooping

[Grey Wolf]

Wow this thread is stinking up the place!!!!!!

[Denea]

Funny read, started my day of well.  ;D

[Bassin_Fin@tic]

This thread is really crappy

[Catt]

Once you hit 50 ya don't care anymore  

[daviscw]

I haven't laughed that hard in a while!

[Mobydick]

This kinda goes for school too.......we never go alone, always in groups......we sit in there and talk amongst ourselves and others who come in....makes a good thing to do while skipping class....ummmmm.....i should stop now..............Great Thread!!!!

[SuskyDude]

Funny thread! I've partnered up in the past for the "dual deuce."

Two stalls, to dudes who got eachothers back, deuce in confidence!

You can even sit there and shoot the breeze through the stall wall, its kind of like the two of you take over the bathroom, turning the usual uncomfortable work/school/public poop experience on it's ear! ;D

[Daiwa]

Ghost poop: When you feel it come out but when you look in the toilet, nothing is there.

[SnowBass23]

The first time I read this or had it forwarded to me was sometime in 2001.  I laughed every bit as hard today as I did back then!  My hats off to the poster for putting this up!  Thank you!

By the way,...I'm the guy that coughs so you know my stall is occupied.

"Seat's taken"

[Cujo]

Dang!  That definitely made me laugh.  Thanks!  ;D   ;D

[ba7ss3in]

Very funny. In '95, Marine Corp boot camp, you sit across from each other with no door. I have seen some weird looks on people's faces. LOL

[Dangergravy]

funny stuff

[Fisher of Men]

Now that there's some funny stuff. . . I don't care who you are. . . sounds like some Larry the Cable Guy stuff.

VERY FUNNY!!

[Bob Kavanaugh]

My wife is wondering what the heck I am laughing about. I used to work in an office of over a thousand people, and it is all sooooo true!

[BASS fisherman]

Once you hit 50 ya don't care anymore

Man if this isn't ever true!

I was walking down the isle of a big store and an older 70-90 something man just let one fly. He didn't even bother to look around first or anything.

And then there's this guy......