US Law Enforcement Response(s) to Situation

[BadKarma42]

An Analysis of US Law Enforcement Agencies Upon Encountering a

"Venomous Snake" Within Their Jurisdiction:

1. FBI - Searches for, but cannot locate the snake. After the snake is

caught by local police, the FBI forms a Snake Task Force of 150

agents, sets up a command center, holds a press conference, and

takes credit for capturing the snake. Upon taking credit, the impressive

command post is packed up and the FBI task force return to their office

to await

another large event to take credit for...In the mean time, FBI

management requests

4,000 more agents to combat snake activity associated with terrorism.

2. US Secret Service - Forms a protective ring of agents around the

snake and escorts it to a safe area.

3. ATF - Sends SRT team to arrest the snake. They expend all of their

ammo, then burn the forest down, killing the snake, and everything

else in the forest. At a Congressional inquiry, they make a

presentation of why additional funding is required to properly

train agents to battle the threat of snakes. The only questions

asked by ATF management after the operation is whether or not there was

a proper operational plan in place, if the plan was followed, and

who can take the fall for anything that went wrong.

4. TSA - Abiding by a Congressional ruling to prevent "profiling"

venomous snakes, the TSA makes random inspections. Venomous snakes

are regularly allowed to pass while TSA officials strip search a

family of squirrels.

5. IRS-CID - Performs an in-depth investigation of the snake and

writes a 100-page summary of why the snake should not be prosecuted.

The investigation is closed and all agents are out of the office by

4:30pm.

6. ICE - After obtaining permission from the BPA, CBP, FBI, FPS, IRS,

FINCEN, DEA, ATF, FAMS, FEMA, and the Girl Scouts of America, they

mail the snake a notice to appear on a specified date for a status

hearing. The snake never responds and is promptly forgotten.

7. DEA - Initiates a Title 3 and an MLAT investigation on the snake's

cell phone after discovering that the above-listed agencies have

begun an investigation on the snake. DEA spends $3 million to

discover the snake is not Colombian...

8. U.S. Attorney's Office - Declines prosecution out of "professional

courtesy."

9. USBP (Border Patrol) - Captures the snake. Their inability to

communicate with the snake results in a recruitment drive for snake

handlers. They take the snake back to the border (for the 40th

time).

10. US Forest Service - They have meeting after meeting. Management

wrings their hands and decide to deny any existence of the snake on

public lands. All agents are ordered to Washington to prevent any

sighting of the snake. All agents are ordered to refer to the

snakes as "legal reptiles."

11. Local Sheriff's Office - Shoots the snake after driving over it

several times. The Deputy then puts the snake in a city Police

Officer's car while it is parked outside the nearest Krispy Kreme

[SPEEDBEAD.]

Haha, nice work.

[Raul]

Anybody of them verified if the snake was really venomous ?

[michbass]

Nice read. #8 and 11   ;D  Too bad that by the time any of the agencies acted the snake would be gone.