Actual exchanges between pilots and control towers

[Catt]

Note: For those that don't know, "The Sled"is the SR-71 Blackbird spy plane from the 1960's and still the fastest airplane.

In his book, "Sled Driver", SR-71 Blackbird pilot Brian Shul writes: "I'll always remember a certain radio exchange that occurred one day as Walt (my back-seater) and I were screaming across Southern California 13 miles high. We were monitoring various radio transmissions from other aircraft as we entered Los Angeles airspace. Though they didn't really control us, they did monitor our movement across their scope.

I heard a Cessna ask for a readout of its ground speed."90 knots" Center replied. Moments later, a Twin Beech required the same. "120 knots,"

Center answered. We weren't the only ones proud of our ground speed that day as almost instantly an F-18 smugly transmitted, "Ah, Center, Dusty 52 requests ground speed readout." There was a slight pause, then the response, "525 knots on the ground, Dusty." Another silent pause.

As I was thinking to myself how ripe a situation this was, I heard a familiar click of a radio transmission coming from my back-seater. It was at that precise moment I realized Walt and I had become a real crew, for we were both thinking in unison. "Center, Aspen 20, you got a ground speed readout for us?" There was a longer than normal pause.... "Aspen, I show 1,742 knots" (That's about 2004.658 mph who don't know)

No further inquiries were heard on that frequency.

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In another famous SR-71 story, Los Angeles Center reported receiving a request for clearance to FL 600 (60,000ft). The incredulous controller, with some disdain in his voice, asked, "How do you plan to get up to 60,000 feet?

The pilot (obviously a sled driver), responded, "We don't plan to go up to it; we plan to go down to it." He was cleared.

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The pilot was sitting in his seat and pulled out a .38 revolver. He placed it on top of the instrument panel, and then asked the navigator,

"Do you know what I use this for?"

The navigator replied timidly, "No, what's it for?" The pilot responded, "I use this on navigators who get me lost!"

The navigator proceeded to pull out a .45 and place it on his chart table.

The pilot asked, "What's that for?" "To be honest sir," the navigator replied, "I'll know we're lost before you will."

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When Hillary Clinton visited Iraq last month the Army Blackhawk helicopter used to transport the Senator was given the call sign "broomstick one". And they say the Army has no sense of humor!

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Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."

TWA 2341: "Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"

Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

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From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff line of aircraft "I'm f...ing bored!"

Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"

Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"

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A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down. San Jose Tower Noted:

"American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."

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One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee.

Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"

The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'd have enough parts for another one."

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The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them.

So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.

Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."

Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."

The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"

Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."

Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"

Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- And I didn't land."

[Jimzee]

Thanks for posting.  I liked the stuff on the SR-71 Blackbird.  That thing still looks ahead of it's time.

[Hookemdown.]

;D

Good stuff Catt. Thanks for sharing.

[Low_Budget_Hooker]

;D

Good stuff Catt. Thanks for sharing.

X2

[Root beer]

The one about hilary clinton was funny. ;D

[George Welcome]

Actual Beech Debonair flight outbound from Teteboro, NJ to Wilkes Barre, PA to attend Mil. air show. Conditions were fully socked: souls on board 4 adults. Full instrument departure and flight.

Upon departure and tower clearance I was handed off to Philly control. With 4 on board we had a restricted climb rate and the weather wasn't helping. On the fifth call from Philly to please expedite my climb, the Philly controller asked if there wasn't something I could do to exepedite the climb. Yes Sir, I responded, but so far the guys in the back have refused to jump. I didn't hear another thing until my clearance of Philly.

[Guest avid]

Hah,  ;D

You pilot types have a real sense of humor.

Of course I'll never fly again, but hey, that's why God gave us legs.

[flechero]

Good stuff, Catt!!

[llPa1nll]

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them.

So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.

Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."

Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."

The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"

Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."

Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"

Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- And I didn't land."

Classic...

Very funny thanks for posting...

[George Welcome]

There's you sign, a saying made famous by Bill Engvald:  Overheard on an approach to Poughkeepsie, NY.

Poughkeepsie Flight Service this is Cessna ******. I need a DF steer, (directional Finder done by cross vectoring radio signals to pinpoint location and direct to nearest aiport), this is not a practise. The tower responded: Cessna ******, are you lost?

There's your sign.

[Infidel.]

A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down. San Jose Tower Noted:

"American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."

An American DC-10 at SJC? I can't picture "Double A Buzzard" flying into there with a widebody. Very funny though, I really enjoyed reading your post. Thanks

[Catt]

Fighter jocks have always been cocky because they fly alone in an aircraft capable mach 2+ speeds and can out maneuver most anyone. I have a nephew (Joey) who is a flight engineer on an AWAC and he got into a discussion with a fighter jock over who had the better job. After the fighter jock had preformed a few aerial maneuvers Joey announced I can do some thing you can't, the jock said what, Joey says watch; after a 10 minute pause he says you can't do that. The jock says what I didn't see any thing, Joey says I went and took a dump!

[Infidel.]

;D ;D ;D

[Olebiker]

Allegedly, a Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following:

Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"

Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."

Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"

Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war."

[BassChaser57]

Many years ago when I was flight instructing I received a call from the control tower at St. Louis International Airport. The controller asked if we had an aircraft number %&$@#*? I said we did and he said we needed to teach proper pilot phraseology. He laughed and complained the student said "this is the man in the bird to the man in the tower, give me the word and I will give her the power." He was cleared for takeoff and I got to have a conference with the pilot but could not keep from laughing.

[Jake.]

;D

Good stuff Catt. Thanks for sharing.

X2

x3