Checkin' in...trying to make things right again...

[Valascus]

Well...it has been quite some time since I have last posted much of ANYTHING around here. I have missed this place a lot. It's been about a month and a half I think...it's all been kinda big 'ole blur. I need a place I can air out my feelings a bit.

I have been gone pretty much ever since the MO Members Tournament took place. Haven't even been fishing since that time. Things for me have ben pretty bad lately and I am not really sure where all of this is going to land. Since the tournament my life where I worked had become a big question mark. Production and profit in the office I was working in had been down since early April. Management kept on preaching that big changes were going to need to be taken if things did not shape up. Work has pretty much just dominated my life for the past two months, trying to work my hardest and make myself an asset and value to the company. Well...despite my efforts, I have been laid of yeat again as of 6/12/07...thrid time in the last year and a half. I don't know if that's just the way the cookie is crumbling in this job market right now, but finding any sort of job stability seems impossible nowadays. To make matters is the starin it puts on my wife and our finances. I just can't help but feel like I am nothing but a weight around her neck at times, and that if it hadn't been for my misfortune over the last year and a half we would be in a much better place. This family has always been a "team" effort, but lately it feels like she is being forced to shoulder the whole burden by herself. I am looking for work again, and hopefully whatever I find is stabile enough where we won't have to worry about anything like this happening again for a while. Unfortunately, I wish that were the worst of my problems.

Recently, my wife and I found out we were pregnant with our second child. We were pretty scared about it, but at the same time pretty excited. Money was going to be tight, space a little cramped, and it would have definately taxed our sanity a little bit. But we were still pretty excited about our 2 year old daughter having a younger sibling and bringing a new baby into the household. Well...last weekend, before I learned I was going to be laid off, my wife had a miscarriage. I can't even begin to describe how I feel about this. I feel so bad for my wife and my little girl...I just can't believe it happened. I am still having a hard time wrapping my head around it all. My little girl doesn't really understand what's going on...she just knows that everyone is sad...I guess that for her it is probably better that she can't understand it. I am not really sure how to help my wife right now...she doesn't really seem to want to talk at all about how she feels...and has been pushing me away lately. I guess this is something she feels like she needs to deal with on her own. I just hope that it is something she doesn't blame herself for. It wasn't her fault. She did eveything right...went to her OB/GYN appointments...took her vitamins...didn't do any heavy lifting...everything you are supposed to do. Not only am I worried about that, but I am also scared about any effects that this whole ordeal could have on my marriage. It kinda hurts that she doesn't want to talk about and share her feelings with me on the subject, and to a point I understand that. I understand that it is hard to talk about, and that she is going to need time to think about it all. But at the same time, I feel like this is something that we should deal with and work through together.  I guess all I can do is let her know that if she wants to talk about it I am here, and if she doesn't want to that is OK too.

Right now I just feel like I can't ever seem to make things right for myself or my family. On some measures, I feel like a failure. I always here that "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger", which has kinda been the mantra I have tried to live by and impress upon my family. That no matter how bad things get, that they can't stay this bad forever, and we will just be that much stronger for it in the end. But lately it just doesn't seem that way. Between getting laid off 3 times, my accident I suffered last May during my short stint with the Carpentry Union, numerous little things during all this time (Car issues, house issues, etc. etc.), and now the miscarriage...it just feels like we must have the worst luck on the planet. I try to fight off those kind of feelings by telling myself that we have made it through all this stuff so far and eventually been alright in the end. I just try to tell myself that I am being tested, and that I have to be strong for my family and keep my resolve to get through this test.

I just needed to get all that off my chest. Thanks for listening. I really appreciate this place. I feel like I can talk about anything with the folks who reside here. It really does feel like an extension of my family to me. I just want to say how much I have missed being here on a regular basis, and that it feels good to be back.

[senko_77]

Valascus, you keep your head up man. I know you know this, but everything happens for a reason, and like you said, in the end everything will ok and you will be a stronger person. you have a ton on your plate and from what i read on that second to last paragraph, it sounds like your handling it perfect considering the situation.

im glad you feel like this forum is a family extension. i feel the same way. its a great place to talk and get support

i will keep you and your family in all my prayers and i know that you and your wife will be ok!

[Triton21]

Things will get better.  I have been around long enough to know that life is a series of 'Moutians and Valleys'.  This is just one of the things in life that happens and we can do nothing about it.  I have learned to recognize when this is about to happen.  When I finding myself going into a valley I put on the brakes hard untill I get halfway down then I run like h*ll till I get halfway up the other side and then slow down to make the upper half of the moutian last as long as it can.  I also find that the longer I am in the valley the longer the duration on the mountian top.  This to will pass and you will find yourself on the mountian top.  The thing thas helped me in my life is a POSITIVE attitude and know that my cup is alwaus at least half full.

Kelley

[Fisher of Men]

Hey Valascus,

I have been there before. My wife had two miscarriages before our daughter was born. One of them occured on Mother's Day morning. She sort of pulled away from me, too, so I guess that's normal. I've not been laid off (as I am a teacher) but I have been told my contract wouldn't be renewed before (I guess that's the same as being fired) after moving three hours to take a new job. Before going to work at another school, we had to go without my salary for three months. Here's some advice for whatever it's worth:

#1- Trust God. I don't want to sound cliche, but I completely believe that He will carry you through this (as he has carried me many times). Grass doesn't grow on the mountaintop, AND it needs rain to grow (many times brought by storms). Your faith will grow through this and you will be blessed by remaining faithful.

#2- Support your wife. Even if she's pulling away, stay close by, but don't push her. She'll come to you when she's ready. Try to help her by making her life easier during this time. Cook the meals, clean the house, do the laundry, take care of your daughter. Just stand by and wait. Perhaps write her a note about how you feel and then she can read it when she's ready. Communication is key, but it's going to take her awhile to want to again.

#3- When you married her, I would assume that one of the vows was "for better or worse" or "in good times and bad". Don't just assume that she's upset for "shouldering the burden". My wife (stay at home mom and part time sub-teacher) often shares with me that she feels guilty for not contributing more. I assure her that she contributes plenty. Continue to make things easier for her around the house. If you take over her duties around there, she can focus more on her job.

#4- Depending on how long you will be out of work, you might consider cutting some expenses from your budget. DSL internet, cutting back your cell/home phone service, cutting out cable TV for awhile, etc. are some things that come to mind. Have a garage sale. We have made as much as $600-800 in one sale and this could provide grocery money for your family for two or three months.

#5- Seek counsel. Again, I don't want to sound preachy, but there's a lot of information in God's word that will help you through this. If you are a member of a local church, your pastor may provide some good counseling as well. If not, continue to communicate with friends (like you're doing now) and vent your frustrations. It's not healthy to hold these emotions inside.

This, too, shall pass. I hope my shallow words can help a little. I will lift you in prayer. Please keep us posted as to how things are going.

God bless,

Fisher

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[Low_Budget_Hooker]

Valascus, you keep your head up man.  I know you know this, but everything happens for a reason, and like you said, in the end everything will ok and you will be a stronger person.  you have a ton on your plate and from what i read on that second to last paragraph, it sounds like your handling it perfect considering the situation.  

im glad you feel like this forum is a family extension.  i feel the same way.  its a great place to talk and get support  

i will keep you and your family in all my prayers and i know that you and your wife will be ok!

Well said and DITTO.

So sad for your loss and I wish I could lift your frustration but the fact that this all bothers you so much and that you care so deeply only proves that you are not a failure.  

I'm not married but I would think it is an agreement, something understood that,...I may need to lean on you and it's ok to lean on me.  Some marriages are never tested, just make sure she knows how appreciated SHE is.

Hang tough, things will turn up.  If we can help just ask.  Our office is always open, we don't even close on X-mas, 24/7/365

[bassbob08]

Hey,Im kind of new here but I want to be of some support ,Im sorry for your loss and will be praying for you.Trust with all your heart that God is and allways will be with you and let him lead the way,He will not give you anything you can not handle you need to trust in him.Keep your head up and keep pushing forward,you, your wife, and your child ,are Gods children go to Dad for help and he will be there.Bob

[Speckled Bass]

Unfortunately, in our lives we get hit with curveballs sometimes. That happens because we need to get whacked upside the head every now and then. It's just a way to point us back in the right direction. Yes, it does hurt sometimes but you can pervent more curveballs by paying attention to what it is you want and focousing on getting there. And if you're thankful for the the curveballs you do get and really appreciate the lessons attached to them, they'll hurt less over time.

I've been thrown a few curveballs myself but I just throw them back and get back into the game. I've taken my best hit at them but if I couldn't hit them the first time, more would come. I just didn't give up. I learned to accept them because I learned in life you do not always get the pitches that you can knock out of the park.

[bigdog]

Stay strong bro I'm here for ya.Yours will be in my prayers. Call me if you need something.

[Guest the_muddy_man]

HEy Val: 16 years ago I was at rock bottom and homeless. Keep your faith and Trust in God and stay close to family and friends, let em know whats going on. It takes time, but the sun will be shining on you again man

[Daniel My Brother]

Val,

What I like about your message is that despite everything that's going wrong in your life, you're working to make it right. Keep at it and you'll come out stronger on the other side.

Dan

PS I was very impressed with the way you organized the MO Bass get together. There are plenty of places that would be lucky to have a guy like you on staff. Keep us posted and don't be a stranger.

[Pond-Pro]

Im glad you feal free to share with us.  Sorry about all your misfortunes.  :'(  

"I will lift mine eyes unto the hills from whense cometh my help"  psalm 121:1

Keap on keaping on!!

[cart7t]

Sorry to hear Val.  I know I along with others were wondering what happened since the tourney.

There's already been plenty of good advice listed in this thread already.  My wife and I lost a 3 month old baby born with a very rare birth defect 20 years ago.  We spent his entire life at Cardinal Glennon hospital with him till we finally had to disconnect him from life support and bring him home to die.

As already stated. Just be there for your wife.  Don't push her.  If she wants to talk she will and be an active listener.  Resist the male urges when she's talking to try and fix her by not saying things like, well I think, or here's what I would do.  

As for your job situation.  I got canned a year ago.  A friend at that former employer, Best Buy, just called me yesterday and told me the entire shop is shutting down in 2 months.  Unfortunately, this is the way the business world works anymore.  There's little loyalty shown for the employee these days.  You'll get back on your feet the same way I and others have done and remember this, a woman doesn't have that male urge to be the provider like you do.  You're putting a lot of pressure on yourself because of that and you're assuming she's feeling like you're a failure for not providing.  Woman don't think like that.

Take a deep breathe. Put it in Gods hands.

[PaparockArk]

Valascus, by your post you show how much you care for your wife and daughter. Being there with such a caring heart will pay great dividends in time. Being such a man is not easy but it is what your family needs and what you are providing. Hold fast and continue on my friend although the all the signs around you seem so dark. You are a good and caring man for your wife and daughter so hold them tenderly in your Love as you continue to search for your path. Seek and you will fill find; knock and it will be opened unto you blessing more abundant than you can measure.

[frogtog]

Val sorry to hear about you misfortunes. Just keep your headup things will get better. Just remember life comes with instructions, its all there in a book

( some assembly required ) it will help you in life and show you the way.

If their is anything I can do just PM me. Good Luck.

( Happy Fathers Day )

[Valascus]

Thanks a lot everyone for the kind words, thoughts and advice. I think everything will be OK. I just think everyone is going to need time...as they say...time heals all. I think it will take a while, but things will eventually get back to the way they used to be (or as close to it as it can be after something like this happens). Last night I got the chance to go out and do some fishing for a few hours. Gave me time to reflect on the whole situation and really give it all some thought. It also gave me a chance to concentrate on something else other than what's happened. I think it was good foreveryone. My wife got some time to herself to think and do some things she likes to do and I got to enjoy myself on the water. Last night every one just seemed to be in a little better mood. Oh yeah...and the fishing wasn't to shabby either. Again, thanks a lot everyone...it means a lot to me.  

[Root beer]

It like saying "everything happens for a reason." It was mention above. BUt remember this god will take something out of your life and replace it with something better. It up to you if you have the patient and the attitude to handle it.

If you really want a stable job. Maybe I suggest being a salesmen in bread or milk business? Sure you might have to work hard and ride in a truck around town to put bread/milk in store. But you can make money and stuff. PM me if you want to know more about that type of work.

[skillet]

 I'm glad you decided to let us share this with you (it probably wasn't easy). The first time I posted in "Broken Fins" it took me forever, after writting it, to finally hit the post button.

 Bad things DO happen to good people . The advice given so far is probably better than what I could come up with :-[. Just wanted to let you know there is one more who is thinking about and hopeing better things come to you and your family...

                                                  As Ever,

                                                   skillet

[Rattlinrogue]

Hey man I know where you are coming from.I'm having to move into a smaller house that my parents left me because of financial reasons.My whole family's been working on it for six weeks.It was in terrible condition.I've tried to look at the bright side.This has really drawn my family close together and made me realize how much I need the Lord.Hang in there .Tough times don't last,but tough people do.

[.ghoti.]

Nathan, I'm so sorry to hear this. I thought I'd been going through a tough patch, but after reading of your troubles, all my stuff seems very minor by comparison. You and your family will be in my thoughts. I know you have your head screwed on straight, so you'll get through this. Just let her know that you love her and that you're there for her. She's going to need a little time to get her head back in the game, so all you can do is wait it out, and be supportive.

Best wishes,

Gary

you have my number. call me if you neeed anything.