When is it time for your Dad/Mom to stop driving??

[DaubsNU1]

I'm curious how you handled this situation...what were the details and the outcome?

 

My Dad is 84 years old, lives at home, on his own. He is slowing down physically and mentally. 

 

Few weeks back he got in to a fender bender with another driver...then 20 minutes later ran his car in to a short post in a parking lot. It was totaled. We are waiting on final numbers from insurance.

 

My younger brother thinks Dad should not be driving at all, and wants to take his keys away. My older sister is a nurse, and thinks he's okay to drive and live alone. I'm torn, and did some research:

 

Uber: Dad really wants to get to three places -- the Mall to walk with friends, the grocery store, and menards. I excelled it all out, cost of Uber vs. cost of new car, insurance etc. Bottom line, Dad does not want to be without a car. He's pushing back hard.

Insurance Agent: His insurance was locked in first of March, so no increase in premium. The two accidents will not impact his insurance until March of 2026.

County Sheriff: Nothing legally stopping him from driving. If we take away the keys, Dad can ask Sheriff to get them back...it's his car.

State Department of Motor Vehicles: Nothing stopping him from driving. Someone could complete a "Citizens ReExamination Report." His license will be suspended until he comes in and successfully completes a written and in-person driving exam. He could get license back, or with restrictions.

Driver Evaluation and Training Program: Voluntary program through local hospital, and the option I'm leaning towards. 

"The Hospital Driver Rehabilitation Program offers specialized evaluation, driver training and vehicle modification recommendations. This comprehensive program is designed to help put individuals in the driver’s seat and help current drivers determine if continued driving is appropriate."

[GreenPig]

Tough place you're in brother. I have no answer for you. My father's COPD took his ability to drive when he didn't have the air to get to his truck. 

[Jar11591]

This moment is fast approaching for my folks. And I’m dreading it. My parents aren’t ancient by any means - my mother is 68 and my father is 75, but they both have some health issues. My mom has never been a good driver, but the early stages of Parkinson’s have affected that even more. Driving as a passenger with her is…interesting. Mentally she is still very sharp. My father isn’t as sharp, and lately his balance has been bad. He is still a good driver, but not what he once was. Maybe as their son my judgement is a little skewed, since I knew them when they were younger and sharp and healthy. But either way, I’ve been fretting over this thought for some time now. It’s fast approaching. I have a brother, but he isn’t exactly in a state to help with such decisions, so it will be on me and them. 

[12poundbass]

That’s a situation I hope I’m never in. If it were me it would be extremely tough to do and I’d feel a bit guilty doing it but I’d file the reexamination report. I wouldn’t want to do it but his safety and the safety of others it ultimately what matters most.

[A-Jay]

My younger brother was the primary care giver for both my parents until they passed away several years ago.

The vehicle operation of both was seriously sketchy at that age. 

My Dad took the local PD on a brief high speed car chase to our home after leaving the scene of an accident.   His fault and thankfully no one was injured.  His driving days ended there but he hated it.

Turns out dementia had set in.

My Mom called my brother from a store parking lot saying her brand new car wouldn't start.  He went to help and found her sitting behind the wheel turning the ignition key on & off over and over.  The car was running.  Read that again.

My Dad had already past so my brother moved my Mom in with him and his wife. 

 My brother became her permanant on call chauffeur.  They both hated it.

Sorry no real answer, but this is something we all deal with eventually one way or another.   

Losing one's independence is brutal.

My wife hasn't driven in over 10 years.

And that started far too early.

I would recommend making this transition for your Dad as painless as possible.

Hard to do sometimes and it almost always means someone else will need to step up and bear the burden.  

Finally, I hope this can be resolved for both your Dad and your family without anyone else being hurt.

A-Jay

[Tennessee Boy]

I feel for you.  My parents are in assisted living.  My dad still drives.  I followed him a few months ago and he seemed to be driving okay but made a wrong turn on a road he has driven regularly for the last 60 years.  He could fall at anytime and not be able to get up.  He sometimes goes places where no one would be around to help him.  I'm an only child and I have full power of attorney so I can legally do what needs to be done.  It's just very hard to know what's best.  He would not handle it well if I took the car away.  I'm not sure I could do it.

 

You might consider filing the reexamination report using the excuse that he might not be able to get insurance a year from now unless he demonstrates that he can still drive safely.

 

[padlin]

Both my and my wife’s dad’s passed before such became an issue. My mom called it on herself due to health issues at roughly 83, passed a year or 2 later, she still had all her faculties and was way sharper in her last days than I’ve ever been. My MIL kept her car till about 95, she did drive the last few years but would not give up the car till then.

 

So there was really only 1 parent that was a hassle when the time came to stop.

 

 

[DogBone_384]

Mom’s 83 and could still get a speeding ticket. Dad stopped driving somewhere in his mid 70’s when dementia started taking over.

34 minutes ago, Tennessee Boy said:

It's just very hard to know what's best.

Common sense and your heart will tell you. When it’s time, it’s time.

[Mike L]

My Ma wouldn’t learn how to drive until she was in her late 50’s. 
She always said…

” If I need anything Papa will take me”

 

Well, when Dad passed she was in her early 70’s and then she wanted to learn.
My brothers and our wives told her we would take her anyplace anytime, but didn’t matter. 

After a while she started to decline mentally. We kept pleading with her to call us but I guess it was a pride thing. 
 

All changed when I got a call that she had an accident in her driveway!!

What?? How??

 

The lawn service I hired parked his trailer across the driveway blocking her in. 
But, she wanted to go somewhere. 
So, she backed into the trailer!!

When I asked her if she saw it there she said she had, so why did she back out anyway with the trailer blocking her??

 

She said “He shouldn’t have parked there”

 

True story 

 

I took her keys and sold the car. 
Point is she could have hurt herself or someone else if she went somewhere when her state declined any further. 
 

She was mad, we felt bad, but had to be done 
 

 

 

 

 

Mike

 

[WRB]

Difficult to know when your parents need to stop driving, comes down to ability to drive safely. California requires a drivers test to renew elderly driver license. 
My mom passed her drivers test at age 95 and stopped on her own after heart issues. My Dad was going blind at 90 and stopped driving. Neither parent had any tickets or accidents.

Tom

 

[Jig Man]

I’d say for my daughter never.  She lives 20 miles away and I am sure she would not want to haul us around or run errands for us.

[Bankbeater]

That's one thing I never had to do with my parents.  My mom stopped driving about a year before she passed away from dementia.  My dad stopped driving about three months before he passed away.  He had leukemia and finally became too weak to drive.  I don't think either one ever had a ticket, or was responsible for a traffic accident.

[J._Bricker]

Definitely not a fun subject @DaubsNU1 when it comes to taking away one’s independence, because that’s what you’re contemplating. Sounds like your Dad had a really bad 30 minutes of driving on the day mentioned. Have you or your siblings been in the car with your Dad when he’s without him feeling any pressure and observed how he operates his car and the decisions that are made while driving. In my opinion this would be a good place to start a conversation we’re all eventually going to have with our respective families. 
 

 

[DitchPanda]

My grandfather is 94 and just stopped driving in the past year or so...still has a vehicle. My parents will be 70 and 68 this year...can't wait til I get to make this judgement call.

[Kev-mo]

I feel for you. We are in the same boat with my mom. 

 

I can honestly say, all things considered for my situation, if she did what your dad did she would be done driving. 

 

Keep us updated.

[Kirtley Howe]

I am currently 75 years old and will be 76 in May. I have told my wife (68 years old) my stepson (44 years old) and my sister (51 years old) that if the notice any appreciable decline in my driving skills they are to tell me IMMEDIATELY. My father drove for several years longer than he should have and would not listen to anyone about it. I WILL NOT be that person. I also have regular checkups and have told my doctor to be honest with me if he thinks I should stop driving. I also take a senior "safe driving" course every year. For what is worth, I still ride a motorcycle (Trike actually) which I think helps make me a better driver. You have to be much more aware of what is going on and pay much more attention when on a motorcycle....and that awareness carries over to driving a car.

Having to tell someone you love that they shouldn't/drive anymore is a horrible situation to be put in. Please don't do that to your children or other loved ones. Take the responsibility yourself and LISTEN if one of tells you your driving skills have deteriorated.  

Sorry for hijacking the thread. I will get off my soapbox now.

[N Florida Mike]

The last 2 options sound good for sure. 
My dad quit driving on his own initiative when he was in his early 80s. He drove just fine, but he had arthritis in both his ankles that made it painful.

My mom drove until she was 92. My wife told me if she ever gets lost once, we take the keys away. She got lost trying to get to the doctor’s office. She eventually found her way home. It was a very difficult thing for me , but I took her keys away. She tried for a month to get me to give her the keys back. After that , she let it go.

What seems very difficult doesn’t have to be. If you do the last 2 things you mentioned, it may give you clarity about what to do. When you know it’s right , do it. 

[gim]

Sounds like there are 3 kids in this family so they will be making the decision as a group.

 

Unless one of you has unilateral written control of this, it’s going to have to be voted on. Majority should rule.

 

My parents are 67 and 73. They have already designated me as that decision maker. My brother is not a part of that decision, and they told him already. Partly because he doesn’t live around here, but also he’s just flat out less trustworthy.

[GRiver]

a stroke took my dad out of the game at 76, my mom told me the other day, when she was visiting my sister in NM. That she had enjoyed her visit because she didn’t have to drive the the whole time she was there. Everybody took the hint and now she gets taken anywhere she needs too.

    @DaubsNU1 have you talked to his doctor? My friend had the doctor tell his Dad, that he shouldn’t be driving. He let him be the bad guy, my friend was just following “doctors orders”. It still was a tough row to hoe, but at least he was mad at the doctor and not him. 
 

[VolFan]

My dad never made it far enough that we had to make this decision. My mom started going into dementia about 6 years ago (probably more like 10-15 but it’s hard to tell) and it was bad enough that she didn’t fight us much on it, but it was hard. My mother in law suffered from dementia and some mental illness, and almost killed a few highway construction workers when she came flying into a working zone, hopped out of the car screaming that someone was chasing her and trying to kill her. The sheriff’s office had her committed and then we found a more permanent residential facility for her. My grandfather on my dad’s side drove too long, and it ended with something horrible happening in a grocery store parking lot that I will not recount here.  There are health specialists to help you with these decisions and the execution of them - they can help walk you through ways and when’s to do this. I wish I had been better about it. 

[islandbass]

I think the clues are already apparent and I’d bet a floating rapala minnow that you also already know deep in your heart and mind. My dad is about the same age, turning 85 this year. 
 

We pulled the keys a few years ago. 
 

Dads safety was a higher priority than his “freedom”  The thought of others also getting harmed is scary. 

[Darth-Baiter]

thankfully my mom made the call herself.   safety for herself and others was paramount.  my mom knew it herself, early.  

 

phew!!

[Kev-mo]

How did everyone get their parents(s) to appointments, grocery store etc. after they stopped driving? Right now I've been doing the stuff that truly requires it. However that will probably have to end in the near future.

 

Not sure what our options are for any public or private programs yet. Thanks

 

@DaubsNU1 what have you discussed on the above?

 

 

[Bird]

My mom and dad passed young so never had to deal with it.

My wife's parents " 78 and 83 " are extremely stubborn and with multiple health issues will drive one week and then call asking why we won't take them places. Idk

Not to be insensitive but dealing with older people can be quite challenging as to when we step in and trump their decisions..... I'm living it with her parents.

Good luck 

 

[WRB]

If your patents can pass a driver test to renew their drivers licensee who are you to decide if they can drive safely or not?

If they are a danger to themselves and other the liability factor usually works!

I am 82 my wife is 78 both if use are good drivers and friends have no issue  ridding as passengers. I will know when it’s time to stop driving.

Tom