When is it time for your Dad/Mom to stop driving??

[DaubsNU1]

I'm curious how you handled this situation...what were the details and the outcome?

 

My Dad is 84 years old, lives at home, on his own. He is slowing down physically and mentally. 

 

Few weeks back he got in to a fender bender with another driver...then 20 minutes later ran his car in to a short post in a parking lot. It was totaled. We are waiting on final numbers from insurance.

 

My younger brother thinks Dad should not be driving at all, and wants to take his keys away. My older sister is a nurse, and thinks he's okay to drive and live alone. I'm torn, and did some research:

 

Uber: Dad really wants to get to three places -- the Mall to walk with friends, the grocery store, and menards. I excelled it all out, cost of Uber vs. cost of new car, insurance etc. Bottom line, Dad does not want to be without a car. He's pushing back hard.

Insurance Agent: His insurance was locked in first of March, so no increase in premium. The two accidents will not impact his insurance until March of 2026.

County Sheriff: Nothing legally stopping him from driving. If we take away the keys, Dad can ask Sheriff to get them back...it's his car.

State Department of Motor Vehicles: Nothing stopping him from driving. Someone could complete a "Citizens ReExamination Report." His license will be suspended until he comes in and successfully completes a written and in-person driving exam. He could get license back, or with restrictions.

Driver Evaluation and Training Program: Voluntary program through local hospital, and the option I'm leaning towards. 

"The Hospital Driver Rehabilitation Program offers specialized evaluation, driver training and vehicle modification recommendations. This comprehensive program is designed to help put individuals in the driver’s seat and help current drivers determine if continued driving is appropriate."

[GreenPig]

Tough place you're in brother. I have no answer for you. My father's COPD took his ability to drive when he didn't have the air to get to his truck. 

[Jar11591]

This moment is fast approaching for my folks. And I’m dreading it. My parents aren’t ancient by any means - my mother is 68 and my father is 75, but they both have some health issues. My mom has never been a good driver, but the early stages of Parkinson’s have affected that even more. Driving as a passenger with her is…interesting. Mentally she is still very sharp. My father isn’t as sharp, and lately his balance has been bad. He is still a good driver, but not what he once was. Maybe as their son my judgement is a little skewed, since I knew them when they were younger and sharp and healthy. But either way, I’ve been fretting over this thought for some time now. It’s fast approaching. I have a brother, but he isn’t exactly in a state to help with such decisions, so it will be on me and them. 

[12poundbass]

That’s a situation I hope I’m never in. If it were me it would be extremely tough to do and I’d feel a bit guilty doing it but I’d file the reexamination report. I wouldn’t want to do it but his safety and the safety of others it ultimately what matters most.

[A-Jay]

My younger brother was the primary care giver for both my parents until they passed away several years ago.

The vehicle operation of both was seriously sketchy at that age. 

My Dad took the local PD on a brief high speed car chase to our home after leaving the scene of an accident.   His fault and thankfully no one was injured.  His driving days ended there but he hated it.

Turns out dementia had set in.

My Mom called my brother from a store parking lot saying her brand new car wouldn't start.  He went to help and found her sitting behind the wheel turning the ignition key on & off over and over.  The car was running.  Read that again.

My Dad had already past so my brother moved my Mom in with him and his wife. 

 My brother became her permanant on call chauffeur.  They both hated it.

Sorry no real answer, but this is something we all deal with eventually one way or another.   

Losing one's independence is brutal.

My wife hasn't driven in over 10 years.

And that started far too early.

I would recommend making this transition for your Dad as painless as possible.

Hard to do sometimes and it almost always means someone else will need to step up and bear the burden.  

Finally, I hope this can be resolved for both your Dad and your family without anyone else being hurt.

A-Jay

[Tennessee Boy]

I feel for you.  My parents are in assisted living.  My dad still drives.  I followed him a few months ago and he seemed to be driving okay but made a wrong turn on a road he has driven regularly for the last 60 years.  He could fall at anytime and not be able to get up.  He sometimes goes places where no one would be around to help him.  I'm an only child and I have full power of attorney so I can legally do anything I want.  It's just very hard to know what's best.  He would not handle it well if I took the car away.  I'm not sure I could do it.

 

You might consider filing the reexamination report using the excuse that he might not be able to get insurance a year from now unless he demonstrates that he can still drive safely.

 

[padlin]

Both my and my wife’s dad’s passed before such became an issue. My mom called it on herself due to health issues at roughly 83, passed a year or 2 later, she still had all her faculties and was way sharper in her last days than I’ve ever been. My MIL kept her car till about 95, she did drive the last few years but would not give up the car till then.

 

So there was really only 1 parent that was a hassle when the time came to stop.

 

 

[DogBone_384]

Mom’s 83 and could still get a speeding ticket. Dad stopped driving somewhere in his mid 70’s when dementia started taking over.

34 minutes ago, Tennessee Boy said:

It's just very hard to know what's best.

Common sense and your heart will tell you. When it’s time, it’s time.

[Mike L]

My Ma wouldn’t learn how to drive until she was in her late 50’s. 
She always said…

” If I need anything Papa will take me”

 

Well, when Dad passed she was in her early 70’s and then she wanted to learn.
My brothers and our wives told her we would take her anyplace anytime, but didn’t matter. 

After a while she started to decline mentally. We kept pleading with her to call us but I guess it was a pride thing. 
 

All changed when I got a call that she had an accident in her driveway!!

What?? How??

 

The lawn service I hired parked his trailer across the driveway blocking her in. 
But, she wanted to go somewhere. 
So, she backed into the trailer!!

When I asked her if she saw it there she said she had, so why did she back out anyway with the trailer blocking her??

 

She said “He shouldn’t have parked there”

 

True story 

 

I took her keys and sold the car. 
Point is she could have hurt herself or someone else if she went somewhere when her state declined any further. 
 

She was mad, we felt bad, but had to be done 
 

 

 

 

 

Mike

 

[WRB]

Difficult to know when your parents need to stop driving, comes down to ability to drive safely. California requires a drivers test to renew elderly driver license. 
My mom passed her drivers test at age 95 and stopped on her own after heart issues. My Dad was going blind at 90 and stopped driving. Neither parent had any tickets or accidents.

Tom

 

[Jig Man]

I’d say for my daughter never.  She lives 20 miles away and I am sure she would not want to haul us around or run errands for us.

[Bankbeater]

That's one thing I never had to do with my parents.  My mom stopped driving about a year before she passed away from dementia.  My dad stopped driving about three months before he passed away.  He had leukemia and finally became too weak to drive.  I don't think either one ever had a ticket, or was responsible for a traffic accident.

[J._Bricker]

Definitely not a fun subject @DaubsNU1 when it comes to taking away one’s independence, because that’s what you’re contemplating. Sounds like your Dad had a really bad 30 minutes of driving on the day mentioned. Have you or your siblings been in the car with your Dad when he’s without him feeling any pressure and observed how he operates his car and the decisions that are made while driving. In my opinion this would be a good place to start a conversation we’re all eventually going to have with our respective families.