New Year, New Fishing Buddy??

[Carolina Pines]

TLDR – he’s making excuses and hasn’t fished with me in a year.  He also quit drinking entirely which seems weird too.  Should I keep asking him or move on to other friends and my dad? 

 

Here’s the situation, most of y’all can probably relate to this.  For the past 3 years or so I’ve fished primarily with my brother-in-law.  We both fish out of my aluminum V hull boat, or my Old Town Canoe.  He’s a good guy, we always seem to get along well, and we’ve had some really great times on the water.  I don’t mind fishing alone, I do it quite often… but fishing alone all the time gets old after a while.  And even though I’m a very strong swimmer (lifeguard for many years), it’s a lot safer on the water with someone else.

 

Both of us started out with similar skill sets, and we’ve both improved quite a bit while fishing together.  It always felt like a great partnership to me because we pushed each other to improve, and while we are both a little bit competitive, it’s always been in good spirit, and we always have fun.  Some days he outfishes me, other days I’ll outfish him.  But we always catch fish.  Both of us have gotten 2 new PB bass each since we started fishing together.

 

Lately though, things have changed some.  He spent a lot more time working in 2023, and we had a major home remodel taking place (among other things), so neither of us had as much time to fish in 2023 as in the prior years.  However, I did make the effort to invite him on nearly every trip I planned.  I’d ask him about his calendar and when he would have time off work, to try and plan trips to align with his schedule.  I felt like he probably wanted to go fishing, he was just really having trouble finding the time.

 

One day I looked at my phone and realized it had been nearly an entire year without us fishing together.  We went to his place for Christmas, and we figured out that we both had some time off.  I told him I’d plan a fishing trip for us on Wednesday the 27th if the weather cooperated, or Thursday the 28th if need be.  Tuesday the 26^th was the best looking day weather-wise, but he wasn’t free, so I fished alone Tuesday and figured he would come Wednesday.

 

Wednesday rolls around, and now instead of him having time off, he’s working in the morning.  Then he has a school tour for his daughter, and some “stuff to do around the house” … none of this was mentioned to me over Christmas, but I get that stuff comes up sometimes.  I said OK, what about Thursday?  He says yeah maybe he can get some time to break away in the afternoon Thursday. 

 

Well guess what, he never hits me up on Thursday.  I knew he wasn’t going to, it’s par for the course lately.  It just seems weird to me, in the years past he never had a problem finding the time to get some fishing in.  He doesn’t have his own boat, and I don’t think he’s fishing with other friends that I’m aware of… so I’m wondering if maybe he’s just losing interest in bass fishing.

 

It could also be some personal stuff he’s dealing with… I noticed coincidentally about a year ago he quit drinking entirely.  Neither of us are heavy drinkers, and we never drink while fishing.  But I do like to have some beers on the weekends, and so did he… except now he’s dry as a bone, and I haven’t seen him touch any alcohol even at Christmas when we were at his place. 

 

I hope he’s not judging me for drinking, because lately I’ll bring my own cooler over with a few beers when I go to his place on the weekends.  I never get drunk or anything remotely close, but it does feel weird that now neither him nor his wife seem to drink any alcohol whatsoever.  Christmas day without a glass of wine or a beer??  That just seems a little bit weird to me, especially since they both were different in years past.  I’m not the type to judge others at all, I’m just wondering if there’s some reason behind this that I’m unaware of.  Maybe it’s none of my business.

 

I very casually asked him a little while back about why he quit drinking.  He made some vague comments about his health and I sensed the conversation getting awkward quick… so I dropped it and haven’t brought it up since.  But I’m curious as to what made him change so suddenly. 

 

I’d also like to figure out a way to ask him if he still wants to go fishing with me or not… without sounding like an *******.  If he just needs some time to himself to get things sorted out, that’s perfectly fine with me.  But this whole making excuses thing seems passive aggressive to me.  I hope he feels comfortable enough to “be real” with me and not beat around the bush so much.

 

I’ve got other buddies who see the big fish I catch, and they are chomping at the bit for a chance to get on my boat.  Also, my dad is about to retire in February and I really enjoy fishing with him.  And to top it off, I’ve got a new buddy at work who is an incredible surf fisherman, one of the best I’ve ever met.  He’s going to take me on some trips next fall to show me how to read the beach.  I’ve wanted to improve my surf fishing game for years, so I’m very excited to fish with him. 

 

Should I let my brother-in-law chill out for a while, and hope he doesn’t get his feelings hurt seeing me fish with a bunch of other people?  Or should I try to be direct with him, and ask him what’s going on that’s caused things to change so much?  

[Pat Brown]

I think that 2023 we saw quite a few of the people who got back into bass fishing during covid drop off the face of the Earth and I think 2024 we're going to see the rest of them drop back off the face of the earth.  Hopefully it makes for some better fishing in the next couple years!  Sorry to hear about your fishing buddy. I have found that most people tend to be up and down with the things they like in their life and it's not a big deal.  I would definitely just try to find somebody else who's interested in hopping in the boat with you!

[Functional]

Could have had a health scare he isnt comfortable sharing for many reasons. Would explain cutting out drinking and what I imagine is him spending more time with his family. Could be what Pat said above.

 

Either way I think your window to ask directly passed months ago. A year of him dodging is a big enough clue to let it go.

 

Personally, if I was in your shoes and had the opportunity to fish very often with my father in just a month I'd hold out for that opportunity. Friends will come and go but that time is limited and you'll never get it back. 

[Susky River Rat]

My dad is always the first person I ask to go with me. Honestly most times I don’t ask anyone else 

[gim]

I wouldn't personally ask him about the alcohol consumption thing.  That's his business, not yours.

 

If he doesn't commit to go fishing, so be it.  My time is way too valuable to wait around for people who are unreliable.  If that means you fish alone more often, do it.  There's a lot of regular posters on here who regularly fish alone.  Offer someone else the chance to go with.

 

I learned a long time ago that if someone wants to do something, they will prioritize and make time for it.  I make time to fish, whether or not its with someone or not.  Sometimes people come with, sometimes they don't.  But that doesn't stop me from pursuing my passions in life.

[Tennessee Boy]

A long time ago I had a friend share with me that he had a drinking problem and was going to AA.  I was shocked because I didn’t see it at all.   He was able to quit but I know he struggled with it for a while.   Some people realize they have a problem long before it destroys their life.  I don’t know if that’s why your brother-in-law decided to quit drinking.  If so and you’re a former drinking buddy, he might be avoiding you for that reason.  You can choose your friends but not your family.  For that reason, I would encourage you to try to get any issues between you worked out.

[Carolina Pines]

@Functional I'm starting to think you may be right, it would explain his vague health comments and why he didn't really want to continue the conversation.  My wife has mentioned some things that support this theory as well. 

 

@Pat Brown That could also be the reason, I've noticed he has had time to go on a couple charters in 2023 with some of his work friends.  They caught some big reds down in Texas and some wahoo offshore NC.  Incredible fish for sure, but charter fishing just isn't my style.  You're paying a lot of money to reel in someone else's fish (in my opinion).  It could be he just got bored with bass fishing and doesn't want to tell me. 

 

@Susky River Rat Thanks for the comment, y'all are absolutely right, I need to take every chance I get to fish with my dad because that time is limited.  Now that he's retiring I'll make sure to ask him as often as possible. 

 

@gimruis You're right, it's none of my business and I shouldn't be asking about his drinking.  I could tell he didn't want to talk about it so I dropped it immediately and haven't brought it up again.  

 

What you said is very true, we make the time for the things that we prioritize in life.  He's not really prioritizing fishing like he used to, but it seems like it might be related to some personal business so I'll take the hint and find some other people to fish with.  

[Carolina Pines]

@Tennessee Boy, it's possible, but it would surprise me because I never really saw him drinking very much in the past... he would have maybe 3-4 beers max when we'd hang out.  Now he's given it up completely it seems.  We were never really "drinking buddies" but we did use to hit the bars sometimes in years past.  Nothing excessive, just a few drinks then call it quits. 

 

I definitely don't want it to become an issue between us, and if he has a problem, I'm more than willing to avoid drinking around him entirely.  In fact, that's exactly what I did over Christmas.  I knew he wouldn't be drinking, so I chose not to drink as well while we were at his place.  

 

 

[Jar11591]

You said brother-in-law, so I'm not sure if its your sister's husband or your wife's brother, but I have had similar situations with buddies where there was a significant other behind the scenes that disapproved of things like drinking or fishing or really any time spent that didn't involve the spouse. Just an observation from what I've seen with friends of mine.

[Carolina Pines]

@Jar11591 He's my wife's brother.  It could definitely be related to his wife.  She like me alright, but she's very 'small-town' and I think her parents might have had some substance related problems when she was growing up.  Could be health reasons combined with wife's influence.  

[Captain Phil]

I have had many fishing partners over the course of my life.   Some were great fishermen, some just wanted to go for a boat ride.   Finding one that lasts can be a challenge.  Talk to your Dad.  The best fishing partner I had was my son.   When he married and started his own family, he didn't have time to fish.   My In law would be the last person I would want to fish with.  I'm a hard person to fish with and I know it.   Bass fishing takes patience and few people have as much as I do.  

 

Anyone out there want to fish with me?  The Harris Chain is right out my living room window.  I know it like the back of my hand.   I own a new bass boat and have all the time in the world.   I'm too old to fish alone, but I do it.  I don't drink alcohol and I don't smoke.  You don't want to get behind me at the ramp because I'm as slow as molasses running uphill.  I can't fish for more than a half day.  You don't need money just time.  No whiners.  Applications accepted!  ☺️

 

 

[A-Jay]

2 hours ago, Carolina Pines said:

TLDR – he’s making excuses and hasn’t fished with me in a year.  He also quit drinking entirely which seems weird too.  

 

I hope he’s not judging me for drinking, because lately I’ll bring my own cooler over with a few beers when I go to his place on the weekends.  I never get drunk or anything remotely close, but it does feel weird that now neither him nor his wife seem to drink any alcohol whatsoever.  Christmas day without a glass of wine or a beer??  That just seems a little bit weird to me, 

How about this ~ It's not about you.

Sounds like your BIL is in the middle of a major lifestyle change.

One that IMO, is totally for the better.

Why he's doing it is his business and when he's ready, he might share it with you.

Until then, how about a little support ?

Showing up with a cooler at HIS HOME is weak salad IMO.

Like smoking in the face of someone trying to quit smoking. 

Would it kill you to drink a Coke ? C'Mon Man. 

A HUGE aspect of human communication is unspoken.

Your BIL is telling you that whatever he's going through, you are not helping him.

In fact, you might even be part of the problem.

Bass fishing is a hobby, this is real life stuff.

To answer your question, perhaps mention to your BIL that if & when he might like to go fishing,

simply call and see what you guys can work out.

Really hope your BIL can get on the other side of this and never look back. 

That's my take on it.

A-Jay

 

[Craig P]

Drinking, smoking, skill level, whatever, it doesn't matter.  You own a boat and post on the internet about fishing, you're already not like most people.  I joke but with a grain of salt.  Your interest in fishing just far exceeds theirs and that is all there is to it.

[JackstrawIII]

Good question. 
 

I would drop the fishing conversation for a while and just try to fix the relationship with him. Sounds like there’s something you guys need to talk about.
 

You can never really put yourself in someone else’s shoes, but I think if I were in your position I’d just say something like “hey, I miss hanging with you and I feel like things are weird with us. Did I do anything to upset you? If I did, I’m sorry.”

 

And see what happens. 
 

In the meantime, fish with your dad. I desperately wish my dad would fish with me. Take advantage of that blessing. 

[PhishLI]

I made a bunch of new fishing acquaintances and some legit buddies when I started up again. During that process I often fished alone, which I'm perfectly fine with. I like it. The group of guys who passed through my filter were all on the same wavelength, so that's who I chose to meet up and fish with if I decided to fish with anyone. I told each one the same thing right off the bat, that I always assume that I'm fishing alone. I'll shoot a text saying I'll be there and about when. If you show, you show. If you don't, or can't, no hard feelings. I'm not interested in hearing excuses or having to make any, so it's a 2-way street. The only exception is for when the place is too dangerous to fish at without backup. Gangs...

 

Things come up for everyone and I have enough drama in my life already. Fishing is for fun. I've had to stop a few from apologizing anyway, because they're good guys, letting them know it's fine. When we connect it's always good times. When we don't, so be it. However, one didn't get it. He got far too comfortable. I told him that I already have a wife, but in far less kind words, so we don't speak anymore which is just fine with me. He kept fish out of the water way too long for pics no matter what anyone said to him, so good riddance.

 

Good for you that your dad will be fishing with you soon. It often doesn't, but when the universe cooperates I get to fish with my brother every other weekend during the season. That time is precious whether we get 'em or skunk. I imagine you'll treasure every moment with your father. Maybe you'll find a buddy along the way.

[Zcoker]

From my experience, you need to feel comfortable fishing with others and when things get rocky, it may be time to talk it out or just pick up and move on. In your case, it's more a family situation. You've seemed to have pondered about things thoroughly and maybe you're right about a few things. If you're that curious, just come right out and tell him how you truly feel. Say exactly to him what you're saying right here in your post. Ask him about it flat out. What's the worse that could happen? Him getting ticked or not going out with you to fish again? Not really a problem since that's what he's apparently already doing. So give it a shot if it's bothering you that much, which appears to be the case. Getting things out in the open and off your chest and clearing the air is a good thing for all parties involved, if the relationship is to continue. Be yourself and be comfortable fishing with whomever, is my advice. If that can't happen, find someone else or just fish solo. Hope it all pans out!

[Carolina Pines]

16 hours ago, A-Jay said:

How about this ~ It's not about you.

Sounds like your BIL is in the middle of a major lifestyle change.

One that IMO, is totally for the better.

Why he's doing it is his business and when he's ready, he might share it with you.

Until then, how about a little support ?

Showing up with a cooler at HIS HOME is weak salad IMO.

Like smoking in the face of someone trying to quit smoking. 

Would it kill you to drink a Coke ? C'Mon Man. 

A HUGE aspect of human communication is unspoken.

Your BIL is telling you that whatever he's going through, you are not helping him.

In fact, you might even be part of the problem.

Bass fishing is a hobby, this is real life stuff.

To answer your question, perhaps mention to your BIL that if & when he might like to go fishing,

simply call and see what you guys can work out.

Really hope your BIL can get on the other side of this and never look back. 

That's my take on it.

A-Jay

 

 

 

@A-Jay I think you might have missed that I made sure not to drink over Christmas at his place because I knew he wouldn't be.  He just randomly quit one day and never said a word to anybody.  So how am I supposed to know if he has a problem?  You think because he quit I need to quit too?

 

I'm not really trying to make this about drinking vs not drinking, but if he really does have a problem I'm more than willing to avoid drinking around him entirely.  Neither of us ever drink while we're fishing.  

 

I just thought the timing was kind of weird, you might be right that he's going through some major changes and needs some support.  If that's the case, I'd love to help support him any way I can.  He's family, and I'm just trying to figure out how to approach fishing with him in the future without ticking him off or prying into his personal business too much.  

 

Honestly I think it's unlikely to be addiction related, much more likely health related.  But I want to support him regardless.  I'm fine with not drinking around him or at his place. 

 

BTW, I feel like drinking a coke is probably worse for your health than a beer.  I don't like soda, and I try to avoid consuming that much sugar.  So yeah, that Coke might kill me if I drank a lot of it.  Or give me diabetes. 

 

 

@Zcoker I'm tempted to just ask him straight up, but I am worried I'll tick him off and I don't want to do that because we're family and we see each other a lot.  I've always preferred a direct approach myself, if the situation was reversed I would want him to be straight up with me.  But people are different.  

 

At the end of the day, you're absolutely right, I am going to be myself regardless of other people's behavior.  I'm perfectly comfortable with who I am in life, I've worked very hard to get here.  I finished my engineering degree while working full time and starting a family.  I have 3 amazing kids and an incredible wife.  God has blessed me tremendously.  So I'm proud of who I am, and grateful for what I have.  

[Jig Man]

Find someone else.  My neighbor and I fished together for the first couple of years after they moved in.  Then when I asked him he had a viable excuse.  I asked him again and he had a lame excuse.  He didn’t get a third invite.

[A-Jay]

50 minutes ago, Carolina Pines said:

 

 

@A-Jay I think you might have missed that I made sure not to drink over Christmas at his place because I knew he wouldn't be.  He just randomly quit one day and never said a word to anybody.  So how am I supposed to know if he has a problem?  You think because he quit I need to quit too?

 

I'm not really trying to make this about drinking vs not drinking, but if he really does have a problem I'm more than willing to avoid drinking around him entirely.  Neither of us ever drink while we're fishing.  

 

I just thought the timing was kind of weird, you might be right that he's going through some major changes and needs some support.  If that's the case, I'd love to help support him any way I can.  He's family, and I'm just trying to figure out how to approach fishing with him in the future without ticking him off or prying into his personal business too much.  

 

Honestly I think it's unlikely to be addiction related, much more likely health related.  But I want to support him regardless.  I'm fine with not drinking around him or at his place. 

 

BTW, I feel like drinking a coke is probably worse for your health than a beer.  I don't like soda, and I try to avoid consuming that much sugar.  So yeah, that Coke might kill me if I drank a lot of it.  Or give me diabetes. 

 

Fair enough.

btw- I agree with you about the Coke being mostly rancid.

A-Jay

[Zcoker]

1 hour ago, Carolina Pines said:

 

 

@A-Jay I think you might have missed that I made sure not to drink over Christmas at his place because I knew he wouldn't be.  He just randomly quit one day and never said a word to anybody.  So how am I supposed to know if he has a problem?  You think because he quit I need to quit too?

 

I'm not really trying to make this about drinking vs not drinking, but if he really does have a problem I'm more than willing to avoid drinking around him entirely.  Neither of us ever drink while we're fishing.  

 

I just thought the timing was kind of weird, you might be right that he's going through some major changes and needs some support.  If that's the case, I'd love to help support him any way I can.  He's family, and I'm just trying to figure out how to approach fishing with him in the future without ticking him off or prying into his personal business too much.  

 

Honestly I think it's unlikely to be addiction related, much more likely health related.  But I want to support him regardless.  I'm fine with not drinking around him or at his place. 

 

BTW, I feel like drinking a coke is probably worse for your health than a beer.  I don't like soda, and I try to avoid consuming that much sugar.  So yeah, that Coke might kill me if I drank a lot of it.  Or give me diabetes. 

 

 

@Zcoker I'm tempted to just ask him straight up, but I am worried I'll tick him off and I don't want to do that because we're family and we see each other a lot.  I've always preferred a direct approach myself, if the situation was reversed I would want him to be straight up with me.  But people are different.  

 

At the end of the day, you're absolutely right, I am going to be myself regardless of other people's behavior.  I'm perfectly comfortable with who I am in life, I've worked very hard to get here.  I finished my engineering degree while working full time and starting a family.  I have 3 amazing kids and an incredible wife.  God has blessed me tremendously.  So I'm proud of who I am, and grateful for what I have.  

 

You said it yourself, "if the situation was reversed I would want him to be straight up with me." In general, folks feel about the same for most things. If he gets ticked off, so be it. I'm sure he'd get over it quickly. He'd most likely appreciate your honesty. 

 

[RipzLipz]

@Carolina Pines I agree with others in that the drinking conversation is probably best put on the shelf for the time being. If you work out the fishing part, maybe there will be opportunity later to get him to open up a bit more.

 

It sounds like you’re similar to me & prefer others to be direct with you, as you would them. I’d ask to speak to him privately & tell him you really enjoy fishing with him & wish to continue to do so but was noticing lately that he wasn’t going & if there was any reason or not. I’d also try to make him understand you’re not upset but you just want to make sure all is well between the both of you & it’s made you feel a bit awkward at times as a result & you’d rather not have that for either of you. As others have said, you’re family & probably need to get along. Should a serious heart to heart fail to gain any ground, I’d mention it to your wife & afterwards I wouldn’t waste another minute of my time on it. At that point you’ve left the ball in his court as far as I’m concerned.

 

With that said, I’d also take full advantage of time with my dad fishing. I’ve been lucky & have fished with my dad most of my life. He’s now 77 & still able to go most of the time but on occasion cold temps keep him home due to compromised immune system from medication he takes. If he doesn’t go, I’m either asking friends or going solo.

 

Sorry you’re going through this & I wish you the best.

 

ETA: Regardless of how the conversation goes with the BIL, make sure he understands he can go fishing anytime, just let you know & more importantly if he ever needs someone to talk to or just hang out, you’ll be there.

[Carolina Pines]

@RipzLipz I agree, I'm not going to press the drinking question because it's none of my business and I don't get the feeling he wants to talk about it.  I'll probably just avoid drinking at all around him in the future just in case it makes him uncomfortable.  If he has a problem I certainly don't want to contribute or bring him down. 

 

I have asked him before about fishing... It was a few months ago, I phrased it something like "I noticed we haven't been fishing together in a long time, is there a reason or have you just been busy?" which probably gave him an easy cop out.  He blamed it on having to work all the time... which is true, he's had to work a lot more lately than he used to in years past.

 

I'm definitely going to take your advice and fish a lot more with my dad now that he's retiring.  I'll make sure my brother in law knows he can fish with me any time or just hang out if he wants to.  But I'll probably just leave it at that and if he wants to fish, he can contact me.  

 

@Captain Phil I'd fish with you!  You're about 560 miles away from me but dang it, I'm actually thinking about how I could make it work.  My younger brother has a place in Destin but that doesn't help at all.  I know my wife has some family in Florida too, I'm going to find out where they are at this evening.  Hopefully they are closer to Eustis.  

 

[Captain Phil]

1 hour ago, Carolina Pines said:

 I'd fish with you!  You're about 560 miles away from me but dang it, I'm actually thinking about how I could make it work.  My younger brother has a place in Destin but that doesn't help at all.  I know my wife has some family in Florida too, I'm going to find out where they are at this evening.  Hopefully they are closer to Eustis.  

 

 

I posted this for a little humor, but I would fish with anyone on this forum.  Eustis is about 30 minutes North West of Orlando.  My biggest problem is launching and loading my boat by myself.  It gets harder every year. Right now the Chain is full of boats prefishing for the upcoming Major League Fishing Tournament.  Our best Spring fishing months are March and April.

[Woody B]

I've just skimmed the replies, so someone may have already said this.  It may be related to quitting drinking or it may not.  Regardless of what you do, or drink fishing could make him want a drink.   He might have had a habit of fishing, and drinking years before he started going fishing with you.   

 

I've got a Brother in Law (Wifes brother) who's a good guitar player.  He quit drinking and won't touch a guitar anymore.   I guess years of playing and drinking makes if hard for him to want to play without alcohol.