are you retired? do you fish ALL the time?

[ironbjorn]

On 4/22/2023 at 6:18 PM, ironbjorn said:

For over a week I've weighed whether or not to share this and have decided that I will.

 

I'm not retired, but I'm newly disabled (I'm in my 30s). I've struggled since 2014 with severe mental illness, but I refused help until I couldn't any longer (summer of last year). It crept up on me slowly over time, each time worse than the last, until I lost my ability to function "normally." I turned out to have Schizoaffective Disorder. This illness is a mixture of Schizophrenia and Bipolar Disorder. I hardly know my dad and his side of the family, but I've since learned that Schizophrenic Spectrum illnesses run on his side of the family. I couldn't make sense of why I was seeing and hearing things others weren't, or why for some weeks I couldn't get out of bed but then over the course of some other weeks I would be wild and reckless, bordering on ruining my life, or why I would believe I was being followed, poisoned, stalked, plotted against, leading me down paths of extreme delusional thinking. I lost a lot of people during these years. I refused help because for awhile I thought everyone else was crazy and I was absolutely correct, and then as the years went by the slow realization that something is wrong with me made me too scared to get help. It was the delusions that finally became so extreme that I let my fiancee start the process of seeking help for me. Unfortunately therapy and medications only do so much to help and to some level I'll continue to cycle in and out of rationality. Working is now behind me and mental health care is now my reality. Since I've received help I haven't fished a lot. Last fall I used the excuse that the fishing was sucking so I'll hang it up for the year, but deep down I know learning that my brain is sick and that there is no cure put me in dark place. I've fished this (early) spring on some of the nice days we've had (when the wind isn't howling at 20-30mph like it seems to be most days). I'm doing a lot better now and look forward to fishing as much as I can this summer. I actually feel happiness and giddiness thinking about the season blasting into full gear soon. I bought a couple new rods I'm excited to put to the test (an Expride and a Zodias). We'll see what happens. 

I wanted to revisit this because I think it's important to do so. At first I thought, "Is this the appropriate place for this?" So I backed off. But if not amongst friends, in a tight knit community (not just as a Bass Resource thing, but as a bass fishing community in general thing), with a group of like-minded people despite our various different walks of life, then where?

 

I've fished some this year, but so far my season hasn't gone as planned. I haven't even seen the water in longer than I care to admit.

 

Why? I don't know. Schizophrenia Spectrum Illnesses take something from people that nobody yet has been able to coherently explain to me. I don't think there is an explanation. I'm not talking about hallucinations or delusions. I think when most people think of these illnesses, they think of the Hollywood stereotype where we're all living in fantasyland and are hospitalized for life. That's not the reality. Those are an extreme minority of people with these illnesses. Those symptoms for me are largely controlled with medication, and they were never the Hollywood version of the symptoms to begin with; much more mild.

 

When you're talking about the extremely rare Schizoaffective Disorder that I have, which is Schizophrenia and Bipolar Disorder existing side by side, each making the other worse, it's not just the manic episodes that need address; it's also the crippling depressive moods, which are much like chronic depressive mood disorders. Those get glossed over because manic episodes can have serious consequences. Uncontrolled, they can and will absolutely ruin a life. 

 

But the main problem is NONE of that. There's something else that nobody can describe. The best I ever see is the words "cognitive difficulties." But this isn't even a proper description. I'm absolutely not tooting my own horn, but I have an IQ of 139. Schizophrenia Spectrum Illnesses aren't mental retardation illnesses, and they don't cause it. That's what "cognitive difficulties" would lead you to believe, though. These illnesses do SOMETHING (whatever that something is) to us that doesn't make any sense. We just don't fire on all cylinders like we should. The green of the trees don't look like they should. The light of life doesn't shine like it should. The will to do things isn't there like it should be. Taking care of oneself doesn't seem like a huge priority. Having fun doing the things you like doesn't sound entertaining. This sounds depressive, no? But it's not that. It's different. It's really a different thing altogether. I know; I suffer the depressive mood swings. Whatever this part of it is, that's why most Schizophrenia Spectrum Illness sufferers end up disabled. We've figured out how to control, in most cases, the typical Hollywood symptoms, but the aspect the professionals can only describe as cognitive because there are no better words we have yet is something we don't know how to treat or if we even can. You ever know a punk teenager who seems to lack all motivation? It's like that, except we're not punks and we want to be motivated.

 

My season just hasn't gone the way I imagined, but neither has my summer or anything else for that matter. On the bright side, we do have a 5 day cabin and lake getaway coming up in a little over a week with the kids and some friends, so that's definitely something to look forward to.

[A-Jay]

@ironbjorn

Certainly there's not much I could say that would help.

However, I do believe it's good to get that stuff off your chest, and this is one great place to do it.

The Members here care and have been thinking about you since you made that first post in April.

I know I have.

Really hope your deal levels out enough to where you can enjoy your time at the cabin 

surrounded by family & friends.

All the best

A-Jay

[WRB]

It’s very difficult to define what is normal and what is a disorder unless the disorder become extreme.

We all have our quirks to some degree but it isn’t a disability impacting our lives.

Enjoy life it’s a precious gift if only occasionally.

Thank you for sharing.

Tom

[Darth-Baiter]

My person that I talk to say a it’s not really a disorder until it disrupts normal life.  Just a thought. 

[JediAmoeba]

On 4/7/2023 at 11:18 AM, 813basstard said:

Financially, I can retire when I’m 237. 
Luckily I’m planning on hitting a scratch off which will set things in motion. Trade the wife in for a newer model, buy a boat that has more gadgets than the space station, increase my alcohol and fried food intake by 37% and play bad golf often…

 

I mean, I don’t see any holes in this plan

We must have the same financial advisor.

[ironbjorn]

39 minutes ago, A-Jay said:

@ironbjorn

Certainly there's not much I could say that would help.

However, I do believe it's good to get that stuff off your chest, and this is one great place to do it.

The Members here care and have been thinking about you since you made that first post in April.

I know I have.

Really hope your deal levels out enough to where you can enjoy your time at the cabin 

surrounded by family & friends.

All the best

A-Jay

Thank you for saying that. I generally don't think anyone cares.

 

6 minutes ago, Darth-Baiter said:

My person that I talk to say a it’s not really a disorder until it disrupts normal life.  Just a thought. 

Nobody gets disability income or divorced for no reason. Not entirely sure what this means, but I know you must mean well. A few paragraphs doesn't share everything nor will I. A divorce and a couple hospitalizations later, and a woman who put me in my place, was a godsend.

[Darth-Baiter]

26 minutes ago, ironbjorn said:

Thank you for saying that. I generally don't think anyone cares.

 

Nobody gets disability income or divorced for no reason. Not entirely sure what this means, but I know you must mean well. A few paragraphs doesn't share everything nor will I. A divorce and a couple hospitalizations later, and a woman who put me in my place, was a godsend.

I didn’t mean anything.  Just quoting something I heard. 

[ironbjorn]

10 hours ago, Darth-Baiter said:

I didn’t mean anything.  Just quoting something I heard. 

 

We can hear a lot, and we will during our lifetimes. No matter how it seems or how it looks, I'm not discounting your post or being a contrarian. But I have to say 2 things:

 

If what you hear is reality, and what Hollywood shows, I'd be in a creepy castle or mansion like looking building, with overcast skies, an English doctor asking me a lot of questions, and I'd have a spouse being carried away in a red dress while she's screaming and crying because I'm being held down by doctors to force medical necessities down my throat.

 

Waiting until it impacts your life negatively means a lot of hard years and a lot of life destroying decisions. It usually takes the hard times so people a lot smarter than us have something to examine to provide a diagnosis, though.

 

I appreciate you any which way man 

[ironbjorn]

On 7/7/2023 at 7:46 PM, ironbjorn said:

I wanted to revisit this because I think it's important to do so. At first I thought, "Is this the appropriate place for this?" So I backed off. But if not amongst friends, in a tight knit community (not just as a Bass Resource thing, but as a bass fishing community in general thing), with a group of like-minded people despite our various different walks of life, then where?

 

I've fished some this year, but so far my season hasn't gone as planned. I haven't even seen the water in longer than I care to admit.

 

Why? I don't know. Schizophrenia Spectrum Illnesses take something from people that nobody yet has been able to coherently explain to me. I don't think there is an explanation. I'm not talking about hallucinations or delusions. I think when most people think of these illnesses, they think of the Hollywood stereotype where we're all living in fantasyland and are hospitalized for life. That's not the reality. Those are an extreme minority of people with these illnesses. Those symptoms for me are largely controlled with medication, and they were never the Hollywood version of the symptoms to begin with; much more mild.

 

When you're talking about the extremely rare Schizoaffective Disorder that I have, which is Schizophrenia and Bipolar Disorder existing side by side, each making the other worse, it's not just the manic episodes that need address; it's also the crippling depressive moods, which are much like chronic depressive mood disorders. Those get glossed over because manic episodes can have serious consequences. Uncontrolled, they can and will absolutely ruin a life. 

 

But the main problem is NONE of that. There's something else that nobody can describe. The best I ever see is the words "cognitive difficulties." But this isn't even a proper description. I'm absolutely not tooting my own horn, but I have an IQ of 139. Schizophrenia Spectrum Illnesses aren't mental retardation illnesses, and they don't cause it. That's what "cognitive difficulties" would lead you to believe, though. These illnesses do SOMETHING (whatever that something is) to us that doesn't make any sense. We just don't fire on all cylinders like we should. The green of the trees don't look like they should. The light of life doesn't shine like it should. The will to do things isn't there like it should be. Taking care of oneself doesn't seem like a huge priority. Having fun doing the things you like doesn't sound entertaining. This sounds depressive, no? But it's not that. It's different. It's really a different thing altogether. I know; I suffer the depressive mood swings. Whatever this part of it is, that's why most Schizophrenia Spectrum Illness sufferers end up disabled. We've figured out how to control, in most cases, the typical Hollywood symptoms, but the aspect the professionals can only describe as cognitive because there are no better words we have yet is something we don't know how to treat or if we even can. You ever know a punk teenager who seems to lack all motivation? It's like that, except we're not punks and we want to be motivated.

 

My season just hasn't gone the way I imagined, but neither has my summer or anything else for that matter. On the bright side, we do have a 5 day cabin and lake getaway coming up in a little over a week with the kids and some friends, so that's definitely something to look forward to.

I found a video that perfectly illustrates what I'm talking about here, the bigger part of the illness that causes disability and that hardly anyone considers or even knows about at all because the symptoms of seeing things that aren't there or believing things that aren't true make the movies more interesting. Very scientific video. He uses the "cognitive" word as well but struggles to explain all that that really means. I firmly believe the correct term and understanding isn't something we have an answer for in our vocabulary.