Question for men over 55

[Randy Price]

Guys, I'm going to bare my soul a little here which is difficult to do but I really don't have anyone else to talk to since my Dad passed away a couple of years ago.  My Wife and I have been married 33 years and we're recently empty nesters.  Our two sons live two hours away and we do not see them as much as we would like.  Here are the issues.  I've worked for a long time at my current job and getting kind of tired of it.  I'm 58 so I'm too young to retire and too old to have to start over if I didn't have to.  My Wife and I have had issues with our marriage for years but now the kids are gone we're wondering if we should stay together or not.  Financially it would be ruinous for me to get a divorce but I also don't want the remaining years of my life to not be happy.  Anyone else dealing with these issues that around my age??

[J Francho]

I recommend some family/marriage counseling. No marriage is easy. 

[Mike L]

Randy,

Unfortunately life altering events can and do have an effect on relationships regardless of how long a couple has been together. 
 

Im sorry to hear you guys are contemplating splitting up. Staying together for the sake of kids or leaving because they’re not home anymore doesn’t do anyone any good.

I certainly hope you too can come together and work out the underlying feelings you both are having and get back to the point you both were before the kids came alone. 

If you both want it to happen then it will. 
I completely agree with @J Francho sometimes just talking it out with a 3rd party can help you both to come an agreement or at least realize you both are better together. 
 

All that said, it does no one any good living an unhappy life. 
 

I wish you the best going forward. 
 

 

 

 

Mike

[MN Fisher]

63 years old, 32+ years of marriage...

 

Wife and I ran into a rough road, her being disabled, me having to take early retirement to care for her, mostly 24x7 being around each other. We had a period where we both questioned.

 

Talking, working things out...and we're back to being happy together again.

 

If you can't talk it out yourselves...then as John said, marriage counseling might be needed.

[AlabamaSpothunter]

Not 55, but this exact same scenario thread comes up often in a General Discussion part of a much bigger forum I participate in.

 

The overwhelming opinion from men that were in your spot was to cut bait and find happiness.

 

Kids are gone, you did the noble thing.   Now it's time for you to be a little more selfish and look after your own happiness and mental health.

 

Only you know how much you want to remain with your wife, but if you feel in your heart the love is gone, and you aren't happy.....you don't have to keep living that life.   Never too late to start over either.   

 

Maybe she feels the same way, and you guys can work something out where you won't get destroyed and you guys can remain friends.

[Darth-Baiter]

dang....any number multiplied by 0.5 is brutal.    having said that, i kinda think the entire goal of our existance is to find some semblance of happiness.   for you and for her.

 

is she equally unhappy? 

 

i wish you the best of luck.  

[Will Ketchum]

It will be hard to start a new life with a new job and a divorce at 58. Different is not necessarily better. Get your wife to agree to co-habitate as friends for a change and not a married couple. It might take the pressure off.

[Tennessee Boy]

I think a few sessions with a marriage and family therapist would help the both of you determine if you should stay together and if so what you need to do to work through your issues.   I should know,  I’m married to marriage and family therapist.  She has molded me into the perfect husband ?.  
 

Seriously,  if you go that route I recommend you find a therapist that is licensed.  That means they have met your state’s standards for training.  Any preacher can give you marriage advice but most of them have no training on how to do so.

[volzfan59]

I guess I come at it from a different angle. I couldn't stand my ex wife, still can't. We were married for 30 years. Seperated once, came back because our youngest was still at home and in school. Stayed a little longer due to convenience I guess, maybe the fear of the unknown. I decided that my happiness was way more valuable to me than anything else, so I packed my stuff and left. Now, I was retired so there was no job to consider and my youngest was on his own. Paying alimony sucks, but is an awfully small price to pay for happiness. I have remarried since to my old high school girlfriend that I was once engaged to. To say that I am happy now would be an understatement.

[roadwarrior]

13 minutes ago, Tennessee Boy said:

 She has molded me into the perfect husband ?.  

 

 

                                                                   

[MN Fisher]

17 minutes ago, Tennessee Boy said:

Any preacher can give you marriage advice but most of them have no training on how to do so.

And most of them will harp on one aspect - 'Marriage is for life...stay together'.

[T-Billy]

My wife and I went through a really rough patch a few years ago. The commitment we made to each other was the first to go. The commitment we made to the kids was the second. Thankfully, neither of us was willing to back out on the commitment we made at the alter to our Lord and Savior. We both clung to that through the darkest times, and kept talking and working out our differences. It didn't happen overnight, but we came out the other side closer and more commited to each other than ever before. 

It takes two. You both have to want it. If that's the case, your marriage is worth the effort required to save it. 33 years is a lot to throw away. I hope you two can work things out. 

[VolFan]

Figure out why you’re not happy. Is it work? Is it residual from losing your dad? Is it being 58?
 

Figure out why she’s not happy. Is it you? Is it her work? Is it something entirely unexpected?
 

Get to the root first before you cut the tree down. It will help you no matter how/where you end up. Counseling is probably a good idea. You’d be surprised how well you can talk through things with an impartial party.

[J Francho]

I like this post ^^
 

i just started therapy for a few things I need to unpack and understand better. Mostly crap from my past. That angle might be worth it as well. It's been over 20 years since I sat with a therapist, so it's kind a big step. 

[DitchPanda]

Hopefully you two can figure out the issues and both parties are willing to do what it takes. I agree that it takes two to make it happen. I have a buddy that's going thru divorce right now after 20ish years of marriage. He tried his best and was very patient with his wife...too patient in my estimation. In the end the drugs and other men were more important to her than her daughters and husband. Other buddy was going thru similar issues but it seems they have found a path to save the marriage.

[J Francho]

You know you can probably shoot any of us in this thread a PM if that works too. We're all here for each other man. 

[A-Jay]

@Randy Price sorry to hear you're having a tough time.

Talking to a professional is probably a good Idea.

Clearly I'm not one of those so I don't feel right about 

offering advice regarding another man's marriage.

I'll just offer my support and hope you both can find happiness.

A-Jay

 

[BigAngus752]

Step 1:  Tough to do, but you must completely cut out any financial consideration.  You can't think about that and still be honest about things like unconditional love, respect, or even liking someone.  Just the feeling of being "stuck" in a relationship due to money will drive a wedge.  And it DOES NOT MATTER, regardless of how much you think it does.  I've been married three times.  Third was definitely the charm.  She is truly my other half but IT'S STILL WORK.  She and I work on our marriage every single day.  Every day.  No joke. 

 

I lost a lot (things and money) in two divorces and I'm better for it.  Marriage is a decision.  Choose for the right reasons.  Money is not the right reason. I know how rough it is so I pray for you and your wife to reconcile and find true happiness.  If you aren't religious people this is a great time to give it a try.  It's not a cliche.  Our Lord works miracles every day.  God is great.  We are not.  He loves us anyway. 

 

Edit: 

I forgot the most important thing.  We all love you, brother.  You are never alone. 

Edited December 8, 2022 by BigAngus752

[Mobasser]

2 hours ago, J Francho said:

I like this post ^^
 

i just started therapy for a few things I need to unpack and understand better. Mostly crap from my past. That angle might be worth it as well. It's been over 20 years since I sat with a therapist, so it's kind a big step. 

J Francho, lots of guys would do good to talk with a therapist. I've known some who should have, but never did also. Lots of people carry around stuff for years. It can be good for anyone and couples to talk out these things and look at them in a different way. I've got a nephew who's a therapist. He's helped out lots of folks by being a soundboard, and giving suggestions.

[Woody B]

Others suggestion to seek professional counseling is a great idea.  

 

[Will Ketchum]

On 12/7/2022 at 10:43 PM, Mobasser said:

J Francho, lots of guys would do good to talk with a therapist. I've known some who should have, but never did also. Lots of people carry around stuff for years. It can be good for anyone and couples to talk out these things and look at them in a different way. I've got a nephew who's a therapist. He's helped out lots of folks by being a soundboard, and giving suggestions.

It's difficult for a guy to bare his soul to anyone, so we just suck it up. It's more "manly". Over the decades I built work-a rounds in my mind, and to dig all that up would be like pulling a scab off of a wound.

[cheezyridr]

On 12/7/2022 at 6:31 AM, Randy Price said:

Guys, I'm going to bare my soul a little here which is difficult to do but I really don't have anyone else to talk to since my Dad passed away a couple of years ago.  My Wife and I have been married 33 years and we're recently empty nesters.  Our two sons live two hours away and we do not see them as much as we would like.  Here are the issues.  I've worked for a long time at my current job and getting kind of tired of it.  I'm 58 so I'm too young to retire and too old to have to start over if I didn't have to.  My Wife and I have had issues with our marriage for years but now the kids are gone we're wondering if we should stay together or not.  Financially it would be ruinous for me to get a divorce but I also don't want the remaining years of my life to not be happy.  Anyone else dealing with these issues that around my age??

 

i'm 58 now, (well, in 2 more months) i split with ex#2 when i was 52.  it was hard, and i would have stayed in the game, because i made a promise before God. however, she was not willing. cest la vie.  i am a firm believer that if both parties want to work it out, they can.  both times i was married,  the wife wanted out no matter what.  i won't pretend that i played no role in the failure of those marriages, but these days, i just feel like keeping score over who was the bigger dummy is pointless. 

marriage counselors are notorious for having failed marriages themselves.  i would take their advice with a grain of salt. i tried counseling twice with the second wife.  the first time, neither of us liked the guy, who was in the middle of his second divorce, btw, so we went looking for another. 

the second attempt, was a far different experience. however,  when she told my wife that she was abusive, i knew there and then it would be our last session. we walked out of her office,  and sure enough,  the wife told me  there was no point to returning, she wanted out. 

maybe being tired of your job is just something that happens, i don't know.  i just know i've been a sheet metal worker for 37 years, and i'm tired of it too.  if i could find something i didn't hate, that would cover my bills, i'd quit the local that very same day and never look back. however, it's all i know how to do.  i don't think anyone's going to pay me a living wage to mop floors or work at home depot. when the local calls, i'll be going back to work.

 

it was hard letting go of my 2nd marriage. i was miserable, and so was she, but i did love her, just the same.  that said, being single now, i enjoy the living daylights out of it.  i have no intention of ever so much as dating ever again.  me and my dogs is all i need anymore.

full disclosure, i never made it past 11 years with either marriage, so i don't know how helpful my advice will be. you're probably far better at being a husband than i ever was

On 12/7/2022 at 6:33 AM, J Francho said:

I recommend some family/marriage counseling. No marriage is easy. 

 

if you're going to make a serious attempt at counseling, it pays to be choosy.  if you don't think the counselor you end up with is right for you, seek another.  i did, and it was one of the few things i did that was actually smart.

[Randy Price]

Thanks to everyone for their replies.  My Wife and I are working on things so hopefully it will be alright.

[DitchPanda]

28 minutes ago, Randy Price said:

Thanks to everyone for their replies.  My Wife and I are working on things so hopefully it will be alright.

Good luck to you man ...hopefully you two find a path thru these dark days.