Marital problems...

[Deleted account]

18 hours ago, gimruis said:

I can honestly say that things really changed when we had a child. 

You think?...

[Woody B]

5 hours ago, cheezyridr said:

men are driven into poverty over child support, and if they fail on payments, they lose their license

 

I had a friend who got behind on child support due to having back surgery.   He finally got back to work, and was slowly catching up his child support.  His ex complained about the back child support.  The State took his license.  HE WAS A TRUCK DRIVER, WHO COULDN'T WORK WITHOUT HIS LICENSE.   He died of a heroin overdose a year or so later.   No one made him put a needle in his arm but the "system" was clearly against him.   

[Captain Phil]

To be totally honest, if it weren't for children I don't think we would be married.  My wife and I would be just as happy living together without a license.  This is coming from someone who has been married for a very long time.   Both my wife and I came from troubled homes.  When we got together, we swore we would not repeat that life.   My parents were totally mismatched and my mother suffered from severe depression.  My wife's parents were both drunks. 

 

We rarely fight and argue.  When you are married, you have to pick your fights.  Some things are better left unsaid.  Having children can be the best thing or the worst thing for your marriage.  Your husband and wife relationship must come before your kids.  If you treat your spouse as if you are still dating, you will be rewarded.  If you take each other for granted, your marriage will be miserable.  I have a friend who complains that his wife quit having sex with him.  I asked him when was the last time he took his wife out to a romantic restaurant on a date?  He told me 30 years ago.  I said, "exactly".  ☺️

[TOXIC]

Marriage tip # 455……Learn how to fight fair.  What has been said cannot be unsaid.  

[Buzzbaiter]

I’m only 17, so I’m pretty far from getting married (assuming @Captain Phil’s story is an outlier), but I’ve been watching this thread develop. Here’s what I’ve learned:

 

1. Drugs and marriage don’t mix

2. Open communication is key

3. Do good things for your spouse and you’ll love her more

4. Divorce costs a lot, but you get what you pay for

5. If you’re not happy, walk away

6. Marry your best friend 

7. Don’t have kids

8. Have kids

9. Don’t break up a dog fight with your hands

10. Get married out of high school

11. Marry someone who fishes

12. Marriages require mutual respect

13. Mutual respect leads to an active sex life

14. Redpill (?)

 

I see contradictions and wisdom alike. It seems marriage is just one of those thing you figure out.

[TnRiver46]

14 minutes ago, Buzzbaiter said:

I’m only 17, so I’m pretty far from getting married (assuming @Captain Phil’s story is an outlier), but I’ve been watching this thread develop. Here’s what I’ve learned:

 

1. Drugs and marriage don’t mix

2. Open communication is key

3. Do good things for your spouse and you’ll love her more

4. Divorce costs a lot, but you get what you pay for

5. If you’re not happy, walk away

6. Marry your best friend 

7. Don’t have kids

8. Have kids

9. Don’t break up a dog fight with your hands

10. Get married out of high school

11. Marry someone who fishes

12. Marriages require mutual respect

13. Mutual respect leads to an active sex life

14. Redpill (?)

 

I see contradictions and wisdom alike. It seems marriage is just one of those thing you figure out.

Haha! You’ve got a good sense of humor for 17. Rule number 9 is the only one set in stone 

[Dwight Hottle]

21 minutes ago, Buzzbaiter said:

 

 

 

I see contradictions and wisdom alike. It seems marriage is just one of those thing you figure out or don't.

 

[Captain Phil]

1 hour ago, Buzzbaiter said:

I see contradictions and wisdom alike. It seems marriage is just one of those thing you figure out.

 

It's all about compromise.  When both partners are happy, it works. ☺️

[cheezyridr]

all i can say from experience, that doesn't hinge on how much of the problem i was vs her, 

(because no one in their right mid absolves themselves totally) is, when i'm single, i have money, free time, and no guilt. 

most importantly, i can poop with the bathroom door open

[VolFan]

I’m married and have free time and money, I spend it all on my kid….???

[ScottW]

Met my wife of 47 years and I firmly believe she saved my life from spiraling into alcoholism. Both of my parents drank, my father especially. When I met her it was like a switch was thrown. We’ve had our ups and downs over the years but putting each other first has been the mainstay of our relationship. She’s my best friend and I’d do anything for her. 
 

If I had any one piece of advice I’d say what you get out of marriage is what you put into it and that goes for both of you.

[GaryH]

7 hours ago, Buzzbaiter said:

I’m only 17, so I’m pretty far from getting married (assuming @Captain Phil’s story is an outlier), but I’ve been watching this thread develop. Here’s what I’ve learned:

 

1. Drugs and marriage don’t mix

2. Open communication is key

3. Do good things for your spouse and you’ll love her more

4. Divorce costs a lot, but you get what you pay for

5. If you’re not happy, walk away

6. Marry your best friend 

7. Don’t have kids

8. Have kids

9. Don’t break up a dog fight with your hands

10. Get married out of high school

11. Marry someone who fishes

12. Marriages require mutual respect

13. Mutual respect leads to an active sex life

14. Redpill (?)

 

I see contradictions and wisdom alike. It seems marriage is just one of those thing you figure out.

Good observation. No different than any other relationship. Respect is the main key. Just remember to look in a mirror when major issues arise. There’s always two sides.

[DitchPanda]

15 hours ago, Captain Phil said:

To be totally honest, if it weren't for children I don't think we would be married.  My wife and I would be just as happy living together without a license.  This is coming from someone who has been married for a very long time.   Both my wife and I came from troubled homes.  When we got together, we swore we would not repeat that life.   My parents were totally mismatched and my mother suffered from severe depression.  My wife's parents were both drunks. 

 

We rarely fight and argue.  When you are married, you have to pick your fights.  Some things are better left unsaid.  Having children can be the best thing or the worst thing for your marriage.  Your husband and wife relationship must come before your kids.  If you treat your spouse as if you are still dating, you will be rewarded.  If you take each other for granted, your marriage will be miserable.  I have a friend who complains that his wife quit having sex with him.  I asked him when was the last time he took his wife out to a romantic restaurant on a date?  He told me 30 years ago.  I said, "exactly".  ☺️

This is where I'm at in my relationship. I'm 39 and she's 32... No kids. We are not married but have been together for 11.5 years and living together for most of it. I'm sure someday we will make it legal..or maybe not. People always ask why we aren't married..we just say this works for us and what's the difference.

[Catt]

If you're wrong, admit it 

If you're right, shut up

 

[Captain Phil]

8 hours ago, DitchPanda said:

This is where I'm at in my relationship. I'm 39 and she's 32... No kids. We are not married but have been together for 11.5 years and living together for most of it. I'm sure someday we will make it legal..or maybe not. People always ask why we aren't married..we just say this works for us and what's the difference.

 

I find it interesting that many young people don't marry.   With so many divorces and bad marriages, I can see how this happens.  Marriage gets a bad name.  The perception is, one day you are living with one you love.  As soon as the license is issued, things start going down hill.  I am shocked by the number of married people my age who seemingly hate one another.   People often get married for the wrong reasons.  Social and family pressure causes this.  Having children changes everything.  Why would you create children and not raise them as a family?  When I hear about celebrities and sports figures having children without respecting them enough to marry, I wonder where their priorities lie.

[cheezyridr]

8 hours ago, DitchPanda said:

 and what's the difference.

 

the difference is up to y'all two. 

personally, i always resented the state being involved in my relationship.  if i make a promise i want it to stand on my own integrity, and i don't want it complicated by the government. if i say i'll do something or not do something,  then i don't want that diluted by the illusion that i was coerced into keeping it by implied consequences from the state. my promise is between me and my woman, and God.  

[Catt]

1 hour ago, cheezyridr said:

my promise is between me and my woman, and God.  

 

We get married in front of God but we get divorced in front of man!

 

I chose my first wife, who I had only known a few months & it lasted 10 years. God chose my second wife who I have known now for 60 years.

 

The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked: who can know it?

 

I'll shut up before I get in trouble!

[gim]

9 hours ago, DitchPanda said:

we just say this works for us and what's the difference.

I'm shocked that your significant other hasn't asked for a ring yet.  First they want that, and then they want kids.  I could have done without the latter.

 

There is a fairly significant advantage to it from a financial perspective though.  The thing to remember is that as soon as you do get married (should you decide to do that), remember that everything you own and everything you owe becomes shared unless you have a legally prior written agreement.  You will take on all her debt and vice versa, and any assets you own will become half hers, and vice versa.  I have known a few couples that were just like you and put off getting married for a long time because one of them had a big load of debt and the other one wasn't willing to take that on yet.

[A-Jay]

There's quite a bit of interesting stuff being shared here.

Life is the greatest teacher especially when it comes to marriage / living together.

Folks that are 'together' learn in the trenches.

Single folks see it all 'from a distance'. 

Sadly, "Bad' marriages get all the press

and "Good" marriages go largely unrecognized. 

Each of us may see the world in a different way.

There may not be a single, unifying, objective truth

as we're all limited by our perspective.

Perhaps marriage is like that.

 

On a personal note, my own marriage is easily my highest achievement

and most significant commitment. 

These past 23 years have taught me the importance of having the patience to listen,

the capacity to understand, the compassion to give comfort,

and the joy to laugh and be myself. 

YMMV

A-Jay

 

 

[Mike L]

Mrs Mike and I started young…Very young

She graduated from HS in June, turned 18 in July and got married in August after knowing each other for 10 months. 
52 years ago. 
 

Were we madly, totally, unequivocally in love with each other at the time?
If we’re honest, probably not.
I NEEDED to get out of my neighborhood on the So Side of Chicago or I probably wouldn’t be here typing this. 
 

Our priorities were that we liked each other so much we didn’t want to lose each other. 
Her father didn’t like that I came from a Sicilian family with a dubious history. 
My family didn’t like her because she wasn’t. 
 

What we did and try every day since was to cling tight to each other in every aspect of our lives. 
We didn’t let any outside noise affect our feelings for each other and just grew up together. 

We had a few problems along the way which looking back on now is what made our love grow. 

I can give all the cliche’s of what it takes to be married for so long but for us we started with anticipation, a little fear and a lot of hope, and ended up with being the best of each of us. 
 

 

 

 

 

Mike

 

[DitchPanda]

1 hour ago, gimruis said:

I'm shocked that your significant other hasn't asked for a ring yet.  First they want that, and then they want kids.  I could have done without the latter.

 

There is a fairly significant advantage to it from a financial perspective though.  The thing to remember is that as soon as you do get married (should you decide to do that), remember that everything you own and everything you owe becomes shared unless you have a legally prior written agreement.  You will take on all her debt and vice versa, and any assets you own will become half hers, and vice versa.  I have known a few couples that were just like you and put off getting married for a long time because one of them had a big load of debt and the other one wasn't willing to take that on yet.

Guess the license just isn't a priority to us. The ring may be to her but she isn't pressing the issue! As far as things being ours well I own the car she drives but I call it ours. We share the house bills even though I own it again it is ours regardless of names on papers. She had surgery on her knee this summer and I've paid the majority of that simply because I make good money and she doesnt. I don't want her weighed down with medical bills for the foreseeable future and I've got the money so I help her out.

[Mobasser]

I've been married for 41yrs. I always looked at like this. Marriage is a commitment, and people are only human. We all have good and bad days. There will be struggles and tough times. Being able to work through the hard times it why my own marriage has lasted so long. It starts with a commitment.

[Darth-Baiter]

Marriage is a lot of work.  Takes maintenance.  
 

id give my wife BOTH KIDNEYS if she needed them. But she would owe me big time. Haha.

[VolFan]

When you’re married, you see each other at your best and at your worst. Focusing on the former and giving grace for the latter is one of the tricks of any relationship. 
 

 

[slonezp]

My response is based on the title of the thread and nothing else. I did not read the thread nor do I feel the need to.

 

It's the woman's fault...

 

Seriously though. I think it's a rarity nowadays for people to be married until death do them part. I've been with my "ol' lady" for 25 years. I met her the day I got divorced at my "divorce party" at the neighborhood bar. Set a goal to get 10 phone numbers at the bar. I got 6. Hers was the only one that panned out.