Best jokes you know

[fishingtx]

as the title says jokes

pg

nothing political related

[CrankFate]

The bait has to be completely still. The fish hate to eat things if they’re moving.

[fishingtx]

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He’s not breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911.

“I think my friend is dead!” he yells. “What can I do?”

The operator says, “Calm down. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”

There’s a silence, then a shot. Back on the phone, the guy says, “OK, now what?”

Father buys a lie detector that makes a loud beep whenever somebody tells a lie.
The son comes home in the afternoon. Father asks him, “So, you were at school today, right?”
Son: “Yeah.”
Detector: “Beep.“
Son: “OK, OK, I was at the movies.”
Detector: “Beep.”
Son: “Alright, I went for a beer with my friends.”
Father: “What?! At your age, I wouldn’t touch alcohol!“
Detector: “Beep.”
Mother laughs: “Ha! He really is your son!”
Detector: “Beep.”

[Happybeerbuzz]

Three guys walk into bar.  The bartender recognizes the three fellows since they frequent his bar regularly.  He says to his regular patrons, "See that guy sitting by himself in the corner?  That's Jesus."  

 

After discussing it, the three men concluded that they owe him a drink for dying for their sins.  So they order 3 drinks and one more and head over to his table.  After several fishing stories a few drinks more, Jesus tells the three men that he must go.  However, before leaving, he would like to repay the three men for the drinks.  He reaches out and holds the first man's head in his hands.  

 

The man cheers, "It's a miracle!  I have been living with migraine headaches for years and my head feels like I just woke up from the best nap of my life!"

 

Jesus proceeds to take the second man by the hands.  He exclaims, "It's a miracle!  My arthritis made me give up fishing years ago.  I will be on the water tomorrow!"

 

Jesus reaches for the third man's shoulder, but before he could touch him, he jumps back out of this chair and pleads, "Please Lord, do not touch me.  I am on disability..."

[OCdockskipper]

Why is it so hard to solve a murder in West Virginia?

 

Because all of the DNA is the same and there aren't any dental records.

[slonezp]

Name 5 things with milk in them

Cheese

Ice cream

and 3 cows

 

How do you catch a squirrel?

Climb up a tree and act like a nut. 

[moguy1973]

I told my wife my boss made me feel like a dog because I had a ruff day at work

Here's a non-dad joke:

 

A St. Louis Cardinals fan, a Kansas City Royals fan, and a Chicago Cubs fan were taking a hike in the mountains together when they came upon a tall cliff overlooking a beautiful valley.  The Royals fan remarked, "I love my baseball team so much I'm going to jump off this cliff to show my loyalty to my team!!", and he jumped to his death.  The Cardinals fan and Cubs fan looked at each other in amazement that someone would do something such as that to show their loyalty to their baseball team.  The Cubs fan said, "Holy cow (in his best Harry Carry voice of course), that guy is nuts to do that!"  The Cardinals fan agreed and said, "This is what I'm going to do to show my loyalty to my baseball team," and pushed the Cubs fan off the cliff to his death. 

[Glenn]

This is a family site. Keep it "G" or "PG" rated guys.  

 

[islandbass]

Since Halloween is approaching here are a couple from my old scholastic book I got back in first grade. Honestly, I can’t believe I still remember them, lol. 
 

1) What’s as sharp as a vampire’s fang?

2) How much does a truck full of bones weigh?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

1) His other one

2) A skele-ton

?

 

 

 

[gunsinger]

[Hammer 4]

Not the Best, but a oldie.. Why do Cow wear bells.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Umm, cuz their horns don't work..

[Sam]

Can't post them because they are not appropriate for youngsters, but they are really funny.

[Sam]

OK, here is a clean one.

 

A guy is driving along in the country at 50 miles an hour when a three legged chicken runs along next to the vehicle and then speeds up.

 

So the guy upped his speed to 60 miles an hour to catch up with the three legged chicken and the chicken knocked it up a notch to 70 miles an hour and whipped past the car.

 

So the guy went 75 miles an hour just to have the three legged chicken run along side the car and then with a burst of speed, the three legged chicken cut in front of the car and headed up a dirt road.

 

Well, the car's driver had never seen anything like this so he hit the brakes, did a flip, and headed up the dirt road to catch the three legged chicken. But he only saw a farmer standing in the field so he drove up to the farmer, stopped the car, got out, and walked up to the farmer.

 

"Did you see that three legged chicken?" the car's driver asked the farmer.

"Yep," replied the farmer. I raise them." 

"Why do they have three legs?" asked the driver.

"Well," the farmer answered, "do you like drumsticks?"

"Yes" said the driver.

"Does your wife like drumsticks?"

"Yes" said the driver.

"Do your children like drumsticks?"

"Yes" said the driver.

"So that is why we raise three legged chickens," the farmer stated.

"But how do they taste?" asked the driver.

And the farmer replied "We got no idea. We haven't caught one yet."

[N Florida Mike]

On 9/16/2021 at 12:18 AM, islandbass said:

Since Halloween is approaching here are a couple from my old scholastic book I got back in first grade. Honestly, I can’t believe I still remember them, lol. 
 

1) What’s as sharp as a vampire’s fang?

2) How much does a truck full of bones weigh?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

1) His other one

2) A skele-ton

?

 

 

 

How do you get into a locked cemetery at night?

 

 

 

 

Use a skeleton key…?

[islandbass]

1 minute ago, N Florida Mike said:

How do you get into a locked cemetery at night?

 

 

 

 

Use a skeleton key…?

Good one!?

[islandbass]

Why are cemeteries more popular than movie theaters or music concert venues?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Because people are always dying to get in. 

[gunsinger]

I went for a run and came back home after two minutes because i forgot something......

 

 

I forgot that I'm fat and can't run for more than two minutes.

[Sam]

Little Johnny Joke

 

The first grade class teacher asked the students to name and make a sound of a farm animal.

 

Little Bobby said "cows live on farms and they go moo."

 

"That's right, Bobby. Good job," the teacher replied.

 

"Little Susie go up and said that sheep live on farms and they go baaaaa." "Excellent" replied the teacher.

 

Well, Little Johnny kept raising his hand so the teacher said, "OK Johnny, what do you say?"

 

Little Johnny replied, "I go to my uncle 's farm during the summer to visit and he makes a great farm sound when he says, "Johnny, get off the *****king tractor."

[Zippo Guy]

What do you call an empty hot dog? 

 

 

 

 

A hollow weenie.

[cheezyridr]

once upon a time on a summer's day, there were some nuns who had decided to paint the inside of their convent. it was VERY hot that day, so they decided to take off their head dress.
after a while, they were still hot, so they took off their habits.
soon they realized it was still too hot, so they stripped off all of their remaining clothes. their thinking was that no men were around, so it would be ok.
they continued painting, but after some time, there was a knock at the door.
"oh my!!!" they thought, "who could it be?"
so they went to the door and and meekly called out "who is it?"
the reply came back "it's the blind guy".
they thought, "oh it's ok, he can't see anything anyway, let's see what he wants"
they opened the door, and a man standing in the doorway said "wow! nice boobs! where do you want the blinds?"

[GaryH]

Little Johnny came in late to school. His teacher asked him why he was late. Johnny stated that there was an accident on the way in. Teacher asked what happened. Johnny replied that a big truck carrying pipe slammed his brakes on at a light and the pipes flew off and went right through a guys back window and right up his Butt. The teacher replied rectum. Johnny replied rectum hell it killed him.

 

[Skunkmaster-k]

Kevin and Bob went fishing and Bob was bitten on the butt cheek by a water moccasin. Kevin called the doctor for advice. The doctor said “ make an incision on both fang marks and suck out as much venom as possible “. After hanging up Bob asked what the doctor said. Kevin looked at Bob and told him “ He said you’re going to die “. 

[PaulVE64]

How do you know spring flowers are friendly?

 

They always have new buds.

[spartyon8]

What did the hat say to the scarf?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

You hang around while I go on ahead. 

[Woody B]

I saw a guy standing on one leg at the ATM.  I asked "what are you doing?"   He said "I'm checking my balance."