losing parents

[jbmaine]

Hi all,

 Losing your parents is something that will ( or has) happened to all of us. But no matter how you think about it, or prepare for it, when it happens, it's devastating. My wife and I both lost our dads some years ago, but had both our moms.

 We called my mom the phoenix. She had Alzheimer's and dementia, and was living in a facility an hour from us. She was under hospice care for almost a year now. They thought she was going to go many times, but she always came back. She had just turned 93.

 My wife's mom was a real nice lady, always laughing at my jokes ( a rare person). She was 86 and fighting cancer, but we all thought she had months or a year left.

 At the end of march we got a call, my mom fell and broke her hip. Because of the virus we couldn't visit her. Two days later on April 2 we got a call, she had passed. Because of the virus I couldn't see her. The funeral home was closed to visitors and asked me to send them pics. to make sure they had the right body.

 I am still having nightmares about not seeing my mom.

 A couple of days after we got my moms ashes back ( in the mail no less, couldn't pick them up in person because of the virus) we got a call, my wife's mom took a turn for the worse and she went into hospice. As she was in Florida and we in Maine we couldn't visit in person ( my wife has medical conditions that keep her from traveling any distance), but two of my wife's sisters were there.

 We kept in constant contact over the last weeks until yesterday, May 3, she passed.

 My wife and I are still numb, not quite sure when things will get back to normal, or what normal is right now. But I guess it helps to write this. Thanks for listening.

              Jim 

[Dwight Hottle]

My condolences to you both. Dealing with the death of a parent is tough enough without the additional burdens caused by the virus. 

[Mike L]

Jim

So Sorry to hear this. 

Our condolences to Your family, 
 

 

 

 

 

Mike

[NHBull]

Jim,

Sorry to hear that.  Hopefully good memories will comfort you through  these times.

[Hartwood71]

Sympathies.  My family has gone through a similar 18 months.   We find focusing on the memories have taken over for the shock.   The laughs have replaced the blues.   The stories have replaced the stresses.  Simultaneously, it’s offered our kids a look at rights of passage and as a result they’re learning about how to separate the things which matter from the things that don’t.  Our parents keep on teaching us even after they’ve moved on.  
 

[Log Catcher]

Sorry for your loss. Prayers sent for you to be comforted. A tough time for everybody right now.

[ATA]

Please accept my condolences.

[Tennessee Boy]

So very sorry for your loss.  

[NorcalBassin]

Wow, so sorry for your losses and on top of that having it happen during such a terrible time. 

[Oregon Native]

Lifting

[Scott F]

I know what it feels like in these times. My 95 year old mother went into a nursing home just as the stay at home order went into effect back in March. We couldn’t visit her at all. She was fading fast and was transferred to my sisters home, where she passed after just a few hours last weekend. We were allowed a small service at a church where we had to maintain social distancing. Not being able to mourn with the rest of my family together just seemed cruel. My sisters and I are all high on the list of people who are most susceptible to the virus so we had to adapt. I know mom wouldn’t have wanted us to get sick because of her passing. 
jbmaine, you have my deepest sympathy. 

[Bird]

Not being able to see them surely adds to the pain of loosing them.

 

Very sorry to hear and hope you and your wife find comfort. 

[jbmaine]

Thankyou everyone so much for all the kind thoughts, we really appreciate it.

[DitchPanda]

I'm fortunate in that I still have my parents. My girlfriend on the other hand was an oops baby so her parents are much older. She turns 30 in a few days and her father passed when she was only 18 just 3 months out of high school. We have been together for 9 years and although I knew her before I never met the man. But I see the way it still affects her and my heart breaks for her. This is a strange time we are living in and it makes these unfortunate life realities that much more devestating. My heart goes out to you and yours.

[roadwarrior]

Well, it's just the circle of life. My daughter hit it on the nail...When your parents die, YOU are the

"Old Folks".  I am the patriarch on both sides of the family.  Getting more "mature" doesn't bother

me at all. My biggest issue is that so many of my friends have died or can no longer fish. I need a

partner to fish my boat and that has become a challenge.

 

[Bankbeater]

So sorry for your loss.  You and your wife are in our thoughts and prayers.

[haggard]

Losing both, just one month apart, must be crushing enough without the added climate of quarantining and distancing. 

 

Neighbors @jbmaine and his wife went to great lengths and effort supporting their respective Moms in recent months.

 

If Moms made it to 86 and 93, they did something right. Most important, they're at peace now, no pain.

 

Thank you for all you've done for your Moms.

 

 

[slonezp]

So very sorry for your loss and even more sorry about what you have had to go thru since the world has gone crazy. I couldn't fathom how you feel inside not being there.

 

My mother will probably pass by weeks end. Went thru cancer in her heart last year and had a stroke the week before Easter. Mom started home hospice a week ago Tuesday. Started morphine for pain this past Monday. I have been fortunate to visit her every day and every day she is worse than the last. 

[Boomstick]

I'm sorry for your losses. That's some rough timing and events you have to deal with there. I haven't had to deal with losing a parent yet, and hopefully it's sometime before I have to. My dad has had a few health scares this year and that's scary enough.

[N Florida Mike]

I’m sorry for your loss. My mom passed at 96 3 1/2 years ago. It was the most heartbroken Ive ever been. I have nothing but good memories of her and dad.

Praying for you, and also you too Sloan.

[the reel ess]

I'm very sorry for your loss. These are tough times to lose a family member because you can't get the normal closure. I lost my mom almost 8 years ago and my dad almost 3. What's so odd is my parents were 10 years younger than my wife's and in good health. My wife's mom had MS and dementia and her dad had dementia. They both outlived mine.

 

Nothing takes the wind out of a your sails as an adult quite like losing parents. You finally have life by the tail. Then BAM! you lose a parent. It's hard to handle but you still have one and they serve as the link to the other. Then you lose that one. I'm not over mine yet. But you've had to deal with an entire other level of grief most people don't. I told my wife after my dad died it felt like getting kicked in the stomach every day for months.

 

If I may suggest something. My parents named me the personal rep of their estate. That only served to prolong the grief a couple more years. It's another weight hanging over your head when that's about the last thing you need. Knowing what I now know, I should have handed it all to a lawyer and let them do the legwork. I would recommend that to anyone unless there is nothing left in an estate.

 

Anyway, hang in there and remember all the good things you shared with them. In time that's what you'll hang on to.

 

 

[slonezp]

9 hours ago, the reel ess said:

If I may suggest something. My parents named me the personal rep of their estate. That only served to prolong the grief a couple more years. It's another weight hanging over your head when that's about the last thing you need. Knowing what I now know, I should have handed it all to a lawyer and let them do the legwork. I would recommend that to anyone unless there is nothing left in an estate.

 

 

When my mother turned 75, she began asking everyone in the immediate family what they wanted of her possessions when she died. I told her the only thing I wanted was for her and dad to get their estate in order as it hadn't been updated since 1995. Fast forward to 2 weeks ago(5 years later), dad has updated the estate and POA's, DNR, etc. I'm expecting mom to pass in the next 24 hours or so. I have to update my estate as my son was a minor when it was originally done and mom was my designated POA. I guess I'm fortunate that my immediate family has a strong bond. Can't say the same about the extended family.

 

Lesson learned. Dad's sister passed away 6 months ago. My father was the sole beneficiary of her estate but was not named as beneficiary on any of her accounts. He went thru all sorts of red tape, and still is, trying to finalize the estate. 

 

A word of advice for anyone who wants to listen. Estate planning with a CPA prior to the end is a much easier way to get thru the financial BS. It's one less thing your loved ones will need to worry about when your time is up.

[VolFan]

Hang in there. Remember the good times that you had with her, and the woman she was. I lost my dad about 5 years ago, and almost lost my mom two years ago (massive stroke, but massive recovery). Lost my paternal grandparents the week of my mom's stroke. Death is a huge downside of life, but only for the living. We should celebrate people's lives when we mourn, but the hole created by the loss makes that very very hard. Add the stress and limitations of a global pandemic and it makes it all the more crushing. Celebrate the life they had, and the life and wife around you, and try to make yours what you want it to be.

[Sam]

Wow.  A double hit which is really bad.

 

Condolences to both families. 

 

As we grow old we take our parents position such as paying for our children's and grand kids' meals when we go out.  Having them visit for Thanksgiving and Christmas as we, the parents, prepare the family dinners. Having the children call us once a week to see how we are doing. Things our parents did for us as we grew older.

 

The baton has been passed to a new generation.  It is the normal progression of life.  It is not easy. Its is very difficult to say goodbye, especially during this virus situation.

 

So you and your wife have moved up a rung on the ladder of life. That is all we can do after we morn for our lost parents.

 

[jbmaine]

Thanks again everyone for all the kind thoughts and prayers, we truly appreciate it.

                                                    Jim