My son is a drug addict.

[Bass Turd]

14 hours ago, lo n slo said:

this is not your fault brother. i know people who have raised their kids in a loving home, this kid grows up with no problems, that kid has problems. how did this happen? same rules, same love, same everything. there is no rhyme or reason. you do the best you can, then they become independent minded, and it is up to them to live their own lives. you said it earlier. the choice is his to make. all the money, rehab, or enabling wont change a thing til HE says so. when you get to the end of your rope tie a knot and hang on. God bless you

Palomar or Hangman's?

[Fisher-O-men]

3 minutes ago, Bass Turd said:

Palomar or Hangman's?

Did you know that a hangman's is actually a Uni Knot?

 

Seriously though, you mentioned suffering.  Romans 8:18 may be helpful.  None of us is immune to the ravages of the "bondage of corruption".  Verse 28 only makes sense in the light of these preceding verses. 

 

My eldest was deceived by alcohol.  Two DUI's and a stint in jail helped sober him up.  While he was in jail I sent him a letter apologizing for my failures as a father.  That seemed to disarm him and allowed healing.

[J Francho]

9 minutes ago, Fisher-O-men said:

Did you know that a hangman's is actually a Uni Knot?

 

Not even close:

 

http://www.wikihow.com/Tie-a-Hangmans-Noose

 

@Bass Turd, I'm sorry to hear this.  Lost many friends to various addictions.  As has been said, they have to be the ones to decide where rock bottom is, and get up and climb out themselves.  This is no fault of yours.

[Mike L]

Bass Turd, My brother sounds like your son. Unfortunately my family doesn't have the resources to get him the professional help like you do..All we have is the patience, Love and compassion like you. 

We circled the wagons and as one unit made it clear that when he's ready to save his life our lives will be worth living again. 

 

We're still waiting. 

 

It's not much but you're not alone brother, I pray for you all. 

 

 

 

Mike

[Snipe Hunter]

Danny,

I feel kind of funny responding to a thread like this being new to the forum but I felt compelled. I have some experience in this topic which I'd rather not go into right now. If you want details, PM me and I'll be happy to share with you.

 

First of all, don't beat yourself up. Do what you can to take care of the people that your son's problems are affecting. They can be helped, whether it be siblings or his mother or friends. You can't possibly understand what is happening with your son but you can understand how this is affecting your family.

 

Alanon is a program for families of alcoholics. It helps them come to grips, understand and cope with what's really happening and what they can do to protect themselves from the drunk. There must be something like that for families of addicts too. A call to Narcotics Anonymous would steer you in the right direction, they would know who to talk to. I personally wouldn't dump any money into professional facilities or programs because the self supporting groups like AA, Narcotics Anonymous CDA etc have a better track record than fee based programs. But again, if you want to help, you need to understand what's going on first.

 

You also need to understand that nobody can cure or fix your son until he is ready and willing to turn himself around. Nobody but him can put his mind into that place. Drunks and addicts typically won't earnestly seek help till they hit bottom. They all have a different bottom. For many, living under a bridge isn't the bottom. Living under a bridge with no way to get dope and food is the bottom. And that might take some time. One way to help a person find their bottom is to change the locks on the doors so they can't steal anything (else) from you, don't give them money, don't let them blame you and shame you into enabling them etc. You can't enable an addict and can't fall for their lies. All you can do is let him know you love him and whenever he's ready, you'll help him find help but until then, you have a family to take care of. I'd also call the state or county and explain to them what's up. Get the numbers of rehabs and inpatient facilities and find out the cost etc. That way you are ready to move forward if and when he's ready. 

 

This morning I went to an AA anniversary of a guy who has 20 years clean and sober. Prior to finally cleaning up, he had been through six rehab programs and never cleaned up. He finally cleaned up when he no longer had the ability to get booze and drugs and he was also homeless but homelessness alone didn't do it. It's the norm, not the exception. Odds suck for cleaning up the first attempt. Anyway, I hope you get the gist of this. If you want to send me a PM, please do. I'll be happy to talk with you.

Neil

[Bass Turd]

1 hour ago, Snipe Hunter said:

Danny,

I feel kind of funny responding to a thread like this being new to the forum but I felt compelled. I have some experience in this topic which I'd rather not go into right now. If you want details, PM me and I'll be happy to share with you.

 

First of all, don't beat yourself up. Do what you can to take care of the people that your son's problems are affecting. They can be helped, whether it be siblings or his mother or friends. You can't possibly understand what is happening with your son but you can understand how this is affecting your family.

 

Alanon is a program for families of alcoholics. It helps them come to grips, understand and cope with what's really happening and what they can do to protect themselves from the drunk. There must be something like that for families of addicts too. A call to Narcotics Anonymous would steer you in the right direction, they would know who to talk to. I personally wouldn't dump any money into professional facilities or programs because the self supporting groups like AA, Narcotics Anonymous CDA etc have a better track record than fee based programs. But again, if you want to help, you need to understand what's going on first.

 

You also need to understand that nobody can cure or fix your son until he is ready and willing to turn himself around. Nobody but him can put his mind into that place. Drunks and addicts typically won't earnestly seek help till they hit bottom. They all have a different bottom. For many, living under a bridge isn't the bottom. Living under a bridge with no way to get dope and food is the bottom. And that might take some time. One way to help a person find their bottom is to change the locks on the doors so they can't steal anything (else) from you, don't give them money, don't let them blame you and shame you into enabling them etc. You can't enable an addict and can't fall for their lies. All you can do is let him know you love him and whenever he's ready, you'll help him find help but until then, you have a family to take care of. I'd also call the state or county and explain to them what's up. Get the numbers of rehabs and inpatient facilities and find out the cost etc. That way you are ready to move forward if and when he's ready. 

 

This morning I went to an AA anniversary of a guy who has 20 years clean and sober. Prior to finally cleaning up, he had been through six rehab programs and never cleaned up. He finally cleaned up when he no longer had the ability to get booze and drugs and he was also homeless but homelessness alone didn't do it. It's the norm, not the exception. Odds suck for cleaning up the first attempt. Anyway, I hope you get the gist of this. If you want to send me a PM, please do. I'll be happy to talk with you.

Neil

Neil,

 

Thank you for responding. Thank you everyone for responding. Please don't feel funny for writing back. I trusted this great group of guys and gals to lay my struggles out in the open in the first place. What strikes me is that some of the advice is at totally opposite ends of the spectrum. They are both right. I'm sure it depends on the situation and a million different factors. But I think it show's how much we don't know about the science of addition in this country. I would do absolutely anything for my son. I've taken it to the nth degree... I could quit my job, sell everything I own and move to Alaska with him. Our daily struggles would be taken up with survival. But right now he would chew tree bark behind my back to get high. And we'd be in the same place we are now. 

[Turtle135]

23 hours ago, Bass Turd said:

I just want to find another father who is or has lived this nightmare. 

 

There are two groups that might be of help to you.

http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/

http://www.nar-anon.org/

I think you understand that this addiction is something that "you" can not control. Only the individual with the addiction is the one who can finally decide that enough is enough.

 

[Columbia Craw]

Danny,

 

My youngest son left home the day he turned 18 and spent a year couch surfing and doing drugs and alcohol. He was raised right with sound values. I would not and will not compromise our family's values. Neither would his brother, sisters and mother. I made it clear he was responsible for his choices.  It was a very frightening time.  I see what drugs do to lives every single day.  I gave CPR to a guy who overdosed on heroin today.  it's painful.

 

I've read every response and this tremendous insight and wisdom in them. What I, we did was let my son know we would be there for him when he was ready to seek our help, genuinely seek our help.  We allowed him back with love but a level of accountability. He had had enough and realized he missed us and our unconditional love for him.

 

He relapsed twice and we worked with him.  The hardest issue was his addiction to pain killers. We've been through it for years.  My wife and I finally moved him back in with us and helped him address his addiction and his other mental health issues.  I won't lie.  It's been difficult and at times exhausting but we refused to enable him, EVER.  He's sober, back in school, has a son and  is a fantastic father.  He has something more important to live for than himself.

 

I once interviewed a burglary suspect I had arrested numerous times over the years.  I told him to be honest with me and I would do everything in my power to get him to treatment even while he was in prison.  He told me he didn't want treatment.  He told me, " You don't understand Doug, I love it. (heroin) I love how it makes me feel and more than that, I love how it doesn't make me feel."  That's a quote, word for word and it hit me like a bucket of crap.  Your boy will have to search his own heart and I pray he will seek you out.  I know you will be their when he does. I wish he could talk to my boy. Even then, he may not listen but my son would tell him sober is better than on the knod.

 

Praying for you Danny.

[Jrob78]

On 12/17/2016 at 9:29 PM, Columbia Craw said:

I've read every response and this tremendous insight and wisdom in them. What I, we did was let my son know we would be there for him when he was ready to seek our help, genuinely seek our help.  We allowed him back with love but a level of accountability. He had had enough and realized he missed us and our unconditional love for him.

This is all you can really do.  

 

I've dealt with addiction my entire adult life, both as a user and as a family member of a user.  Everyone's "rock bottom" is different.  Be there when he is truly ready and be prepared to hold him 100% accountable during his recovery.  

[Last_Cast]

Sorry to hear...Hope your son wakes up.

 

Stay strong.

[rippin-lips]

Addiction is a very tough thing. I've lost a bunch of friends due to heroin overdoses. My small town seems to be taken over by it. 30+ overdose deaths in 2016 '9 in 2015' and that's not counting the ones revived with narcan.  Every one of them started with something else too. It's painful to stand by and watch them destroy their life. I saw you mention it already. If they don't want to quit then they won't. No matter how bad you try to get them to. Be there to pick him up when the time comes that he hits rock bottom. My thoughts are with you and your family. 

[CrustyMono]

best of luck to you and your son!

[hawgenvy]

Would have answered sooner but just saw this topic.  My wife and I were in a similar situation a couple of years ago, and since then our son is clean -- or at least we think he is. It turns out that there are some excellent support groups for parents of drug/alcohol addicts, and one such group was very helpful in our case.  You are not alone.  The support groups are free and are focused on helping the parent deal with guilt and helplessness, and they stress the importance of avoiding enabling the addict. Such a group will allow you to meet and talk with loving parents who are in the exact same lousy gut-wrenching situation.  There are probably several such groups in your area, and some will have folks you can relate to better than some other groups, so you have to investigate and go to some meetings.  

[hawgenvy]

Oh, and Bass Turd, my friend, I have sent you a PM with some links.

[reb67]

Bass Turd I am in your shoes and my heart truly hurts for you and your son.

My daughter is 26 now our family have been fighting this battle on and off for 6 years, and I say family because it effects everyone directly or indirectly. We almost lost her a couple of months ago, her roommate found her face down in the floor Un responses. After her hospital stay we brought her back home. They are our children we have to try and save them we are all learning how to do that, wife,grandmother,sister,friends and myself. With the help of her doctors and her support groups we are on a up swing of this roller coaster ride.

If you would like to talk more PM me and I will gladly give you my contact info.

I can tell you this is my child and what we are going thru hurts and flat out sucks!!!