Chili Cook-Off Results

[.ghoti.]

NEW MEXICO CHILI COOK OFF...


For those of you who have lived in New Mexico, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the Santa Fe Plaza. Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL.

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table, asking for directions to the Coors Light
truck, when the call came in... I was assured by the other two judges (Native New Mexicans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge 3."

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:
 

CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILE

Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the he!! Is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These New Mexicans are crazy.


CHILE # 2 - EL RANCHO'S AFTERBURNER CHILE

Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang..

Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they
saw the look on my face.



CHILI # 3 - ALFREDO'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI

Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.

Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.

Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting *****-faced from all of the beer.
 
CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC

Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. woman is starting to look HOT.. Just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?



CHILE # 5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER

Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Jalapeno peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge # 2 -- Chile using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the jalapeno peppers make a strong statement.

Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.



CHILE # 6 - VARGA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY

Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.

Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, garlic. Superb.

Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.



CHILE # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI

Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about judge number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing. It's too painful. I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.



CHILE # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILE

Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?

Judge # 3 - No Report..        

 

 

[roadwarrior]

   

 

I use to make chili hot, but most people, including my wife and kids would not eat it.

So, it thought I really knew "hot" until a couple of years ago when I was introduced

to the ghost pepper. 

 

http://nypost.com/2015/08/04/eating-ghost-peppers-could-kill-you/

[F14A-B]

I think judge 3 must really be from Cincinnati, lol

[gardnerjigman]

Everybody in the office today just got to enjoy this as I started laughing my butt off out loud. I freaking cried I laughed so hard!

[lo n slo]

LOL

[Oregon Native]

This is great

[.ghoti.]

   

 

I use to make chili hot, but most people, including my wife and kids would not eat it.

So, it thought I really knew "hot" until a couple of years ago when I was introduced

to the ghost pepper. 

 

http://nypost.com/2015/08/04/eating-ghost-peppers-could-kill-you/

 

I want absolutely nothing to do with ghost peppers. I had a run-in with habanero peppers in Mexico, and a similar encounter with scotch bonnet peppers in Jamaica.  Both are too much for me. it's like eating napalm, and excreting nitric acid. No mas.

[roadwarrior]

And now the bar has been raised a couple of notches:  https://www.crazyhotseeds.com/top-10-worlds-hottest-peppers/

[K_Mac]

I love hot foods. If chilli doesn't make you sweat and your nose run, it probably isn't hot enough. With that said, there are some limits. I once had some salsa in Houston that was made with ghost peppers. No thanks!

[Raul]

I´ve read it many times before and it always makes me ROFLMAO !!!

 

BTW we southerners across the border are grown tough, my mommy gave me this:

 

[mrmacwvu1]

i took a bite off of the carolina reaper

 

about the size of a small split shot

 

I was not right for an hour or so

And now the bar has been raised a couple of notches:  https://www.crazyhotseeds.com/top-10-worlds-hottest-peppers/

[Hurricane]

Lol... Solid thread...

[deaknh03]

I use to make chili hot, but most people, including my wife and kids would not eat it.

So, it thought I really knew "hot" until a couple of years ago when I was introduced

to the ghost pepper.

http://nypost.com/2015/08/04/eating-ghost-peppers-could-kill-you/

I really like hotstuff..sweating, nose running..I had a drop, 1drop, of hot sauce made with ghost peppers..never again. Not even tasty, just pure discomfort.

[Long Mike]

I've seen the Chili contest thing a number of times and always found it really funny.  What really cracked me up was the Gerber picture.  That thar was funny!

[00 mod]

We carry the hottest bloody mary mix ever made.  It is made with Carolina Reaper peppers.  The stuff is just plain crazy HOT.  No thank you!

 

Jeff

[kickerfish1]

Great post! Judge #3 may never touch chili again. I too have had to "un"spicen my chili. I like hot things but in small quantities. Having two bowls of hot chili is just asking for it.